What a Night for a Dance
by A Sideways Smile
Summary: Pony said his name and she expected him to dissipate like the smoke from his cigarette. Dally didn't say anything, he just nodded and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. Everything was different about him. Everything except for those eyes.
1. Don't Take Him Home

_**A/N: Surprise! Happy Good Fic Day! **_

_**This story is a continuation of what has become a saga. This story is the sequel to One Headlight. We hope you enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: We do not own The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, nor do we own the song "The Queen of Lower Chelsea" by The Gaslight Anthem.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Did you grow up lonesome and one of a kind?<strong>_  
><em><strong>Were your records all you had to pass the time?<strong>_

**Winter 1968**

The ball wobbled on the edge, barely hanging on until the last minute when it fell into the gutter without hitting a single pin. Scowling, Ellie returned to their table and glanced over at the score sheet.

"You almost had it," Pony said, filling in a huge, fat zero.

"Too bad almost doesn't count," she said.

Pony walked over and picked up his bowling ball. He considered the pins for a moment before he took his shot. When he finally threw the ball, it knocked down all but one pin. He turned around and grinned.

"That's how the pros do it," he said.

"You missed one," she said dryly.

"Watch this."

Ellie watched with disinterest, knowing full well that he would knock it over. He'd gotten all the rest it seemed. Her stomach growled, and she wondered how much longer it would take for their food to get ready. Looking over her shoulder at the food counter, she saw Wade working by himself and looking rather busy at it. It wasn't her idea to come bowling, she didn't really want to be around Wade after New Year's, but Pony had insisted. To her surprise she gave in pretty easily.

Her view was blocked, and she looked up to find Curly Shepard grinning down at her.

"Long time, no see," he said, grabbing a chair and flipping it around so he leaned into the back of it. "Whatcha up to?"

"Not much," Ellie said. "You by yourself?"

"Meeting Tim here."

Surprisingly, she only felt a little dread.

"Hey, Curly," Pony said, sitting down as well.

"I've been meaning to ask you, Curtis," Curly said. "You know a kid, Bryon Douglas?"

"Yeah, I know who that is," Pony said.

There was a gleam of excitement in Curly's eyes, the same one Tim would get right before someone would end up with a black eye.

"Why?"

"That shit cut Angel's hair off. Most of it anyway," Curly said.

"Didn't they used to date?" Ellie asked.

"Who even knows with that girl?" Curly said.

Pony let out a whistle and swiped his Pepsi from the table. Holding it thoughtfully, he said, "I wouldn't mess with your sister with a ten foot pole. I'm more scared of her than I am of you and Tim together."

It was hard right then not to start laughing at the thought. Ellie knew that Angel threw herself at every guy she thought was cute, even that one time at Ponyboy.

"You touch my sister, Curtis, and I'll make you scared," Curly said.

"You are so full of it, Curly," Ellie said. "With the types of guys your sister dates, Pony's a saint and you know it."

"Don't mean I want him dating my sister," Curly said. "Man, I'm starving. You guys bowling?"

Tim walked up to the table before they could answer, smacking the back of Curly's head. Ellie squeezed the straw between her fingers and tried not to mind when Tim sat down beside Curly. He didn't smile, but he wasn't necessarily frowning.

"They're in a fucking bowling alley, what else would they be doing?" Tim said. "And you were supposed to be waiting outside, dipshit."

"It ain't even dark yet, man," Curly said, rubbing his head. "We'll find him later."

Tim looked around, seeing who was there and she felt the need to say something.

"You guys want to bowl a game?" Ellie asked.

Tim looked at her, a wry smile on his lips and a raised eyebrow. It was a dumb question because she knew he wouldn't be caught dead bowling.

"I'll pass," he said.

Instead he leaned back in his chair and lit up a cigarette. She studied him as Curly bantered on, and she wondered how he was doing since the gangs fell apart. She didn't exactly talk to him that often. She didn't exactly want to.

"So, Bryon cut Angel's hair? Why was she out with him?"

It was a question she wish Pony wouldn't have asked with Tim sitting right there. Everybody knew about the guy Tim forced Angel to marry, but Ellie had never asked about particulars. In a way, it scared her to death to think that Tim would go to such lengths to make things right in his eyes. It was common knowledge that Angel and her husband didn't exactly like each other.

Tim looked less than amused at the question, and he shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Nobody does shit like that to my sister and gets away with it."

"Yeah," Curly added with a smirk. "'Cause we gotta listen to her bitch."

Tim tried to hide his smile with his cigarette, but Ellie caught it just the same.

"Don't hurt him too bad," Ellie said. "It's just hair."

"It's the principle of the matter," Tim said, leaving no room for argument. He hardly looked at her when he said it.

Over the PA system, Ellie heard her name, and she glanced back to see Wade standing at the counter with a tray in his hand.

"Oh, food," Curly said. "Mind sharing?"

Rolling her eyes with a good natured laugh, she waved him off.

XXX

Wade called her name, even though Pony had been the one that ordered the food. He wanted her to stop up and talk to him for a few seconds, especially since the two boys had joined their table. Wade could see the ease at which she talked to them. The way she laughed, the way she just simply knew them. It was dumb to be jealous, but he was.

The thing was, she wasn't the one heading in his direction when he called her name. Instead, it was Curly, one of the two boys who had sat down with her. Wade didn't really know them, but he did know they were the ones with the crazy sister.

The boy with the curly, greased hair and a slouch that would send his grandmother to her grave stopped at the counter and reached for the tray. Wade pulled it back.

"Hey, man, it's for me," he said.

"Your name's 'Ellie'?"

"Yeah, man."

"It's not for you," Wade said.

"You a waiter? You going to take it over there?" Curly looked over to the right where two people were now standing and waiting to order. "Just give it to me."

"It's for Ellie," Wade insisted, looking over Curly's shoulder only to see her still talking about something with Pony and the other boy he knew she used to date.

The kid in front of him cocked an eyebrow and said, "Are you her boyfriend?"

"What? No."

"Wish you were?" he asked with a smirk.

Wade pulled the tray back even further. They obviously weren't dating; she'd made sure to avoid the subject since New Year's. Curly's smirk turned into a full grin.

"See how she's sitting with Tim over there? They used to date."

Wade ignored his comment and held tight to the tray.

"Look, kid, just give me the food. You ain't got a shot with her."

Reluctantly, Wade released the tray to him, and he started to walk away. He wasn't more than two steps away when Wade said his name.

"Does that mean she dates guys like you?" He meant for it to sting, to rub it in this kid's face that Ellie wasn't dating him either. It didn't seem to do anything.

"She just doesn't date Socy guys like you," Curly said.

He walked away, and Wade was once again faced with that word that had so little meaning to him.

XXX

Curly had eaten his way through her basket of fries but left her cheeseburger alone so she wasn't starving anymore.

Pony was up taking his turn while Tim and Curly talked about where they were going to look for Bryon. At the parties, Curly had seemed so much like Tim, but when they were side by side, Ellie realized there was only room for one of him. Curly had grown taller and leaner in the past year, and although he looked more and more like Tim every day, he still had nothing on him. Tim's intricacies didn't imprint on Curly very well.

"What was that about earlier?"

Through a mouth full of fries, he asked, "What?"

"Up there with Wade. You were up there forever," she said.

"Nothing. He wouldn't give me the food because he called for you."

The sing-song way in which he said that made her bite her tongue. Kissing Wade was a mistake, another to add to her already long list. All it made him do was ask her questions about it and wondering what to do next. She tried to convince him as best she could that they were just friends, but he was persistent.

A stupid smile spread across his lips, his eyebrows went up as he gawked at her.

"Ahh, you like him, huh?"

"No," she said, but she knew her face was flushed.

Curly's face changed, the grin dropped and he looked at her like he was mildly disgusted.

"Come on, a Socy kid like that? Really?"

"Didn't I just tell you no?" she asked. She yanked back what was left of the fries. "And quit eating my food."

"Hey, you told me I could have some. I can't help it that loverboy up there's got you all lovesick," Curly said.

"Shut up. I told you it was nothing."

"You try tellin' him that?"

"Jesus, Curly, you sound fucking desperate," Tim said.

It was amazing how quickly Curly shut up with Tim said that, and she gave him a little thankful smile without looking at him.

Wade came up to their table, carrying an arm load of Pepsi bottles. He set them down on the table and pushed them in front of everyone. He pulled up a chair for himself and sat close to her. Curly snickered.

"Hey," he said, looking right at her.

She smiled at him and then heard Curly making kissing noises. She tried to ignore him, but it was hard to do. Even kicking him under the table didn't do a thing but make him more obnoxious.

"Would you grow the fuck up?" Tim muttered before he stood up. He grabbed Curly by the collar and pulled him out of the chair. "We gotta get going."

"Yeah," Curly said. "We gotta go beat the pulp outta some kid."

Wade frowned as he drank his Pepsi but didn't look at him.

Before they left, Curly draped his arms over both Ellie and Wade. "Now, kids, don't do nothing I wouldn't do."

Wade shifted uncomfortably before Tim grabbed Curly's arm and all but dragged him out of the bowling alley.

"Are they really going to go beat somebody up?" Wade finally asked after they left.

"Yeah, I think so," Pony said.

"Why?"

"Don't ask."

"Their sister is the crazy one, right?"

Ellie smiled and nodded.

"I think their whole family is crazy."

"Maybe a little," she agreed.

XXX

With Pony dropped off, Ellie was on her own with Wade for the first time that night. He drove back to her house as slowly as she figured he could.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she said slowly, unsure of where the conversation would go.

"Those boys back there, Curly and Tim? You're friends with them, huh?"

"Kind of. I guess. I mean, I know them."

"Tim's the guy you dated before, right?"

Ellie closed her eyes because she already knew where this was going. He would ask her about Tim and then circle back around to their New Year's kiss and she would do her best to apologize to him for it.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I just want to know where I stand. We kissed so I'm assuming you must like me a little and I sure as heck like you, but if there's another boy – "

"Stop, please, while you're ahead," she said, putting her hand up. He had no idea. "If by another boy you mean Tim, then just get it out of your head. Tim and I broke up a long time ago."

He put the car in park in front of her house, but wouldn't look at her.

"You guys were all talking like you were friends, Curly even said something about you and Tim," he said.

"Curly said that?" Ellie rolled her eyes. Curly was probably causing trouble because he saw that it would get under Wade's skin. "Look, Tim and me? There's no way. I wouldn't date him ever again."

"How come?"

This kid and his questions would be the death of her … or him.

"It was a bad break up."

"Why?"

"Are you three or something? Why do you ask so many questions?"

"Sorry," he said, looking away again.

"Look, Wade, I broke up with Tim because he hurt me pretty bad. I'm not going back to something like that." He was about to ask why, and she put her hand up, cutting him off. "I swear to God that if you ask me what he did, I'll never talk to you again."

He went pale.

"You need to know when to leave it alone. It's over, I've moved on and I can talk to him again. We're not friends, but we can be civilized." She added, "I got him back anyway."

For once, he actually kept his mouth shut. Instead, he was looking at his hands. She knew he was still obsessing over the kiss from a couple of months earlier. She was about to bring it up, to once again apologize for doing it when he looked at her again.

"I wouldn't hurt you."

It was the simplest statement. He said it with such sincerity that she was moved more than she would ever admit to anyone. Tim and Dally had always been persistent with her, knowing they could wear her down to do anything they wanted, but with Wade the persistence was different, it wouldn't end with a night spent at Buck's. Everything about him was different.

"I'm not saying you would," she said, the strength in her voice gone. "I just … can't."

"Then why'd you do it?"

She found herself answering him honestly. "Because you were there when I was lonely. You're supposed to kiss someone on New Year's."

"No, you're supposed to kiss someone at midnight on New Year's. It was a long time after," he said.

She couldn't argue that. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," he said, the words defiant. "One date."

"What?"

He turned in his seat, facing her head on. "Just go on one real date with me. You can pick the place and when. But just go out with me once and then decide."

"Wade …" She trailed off and looked away from him. She was looking for a way out but all she saw was her empty mailbox. A year and some months later, and there was still no word from Dally. She'd sent him dozens of letters, and she'd received nothing in return. Looking at her empty hands, she said, "Okay."

"Really?"

Looking at him, she nodded. She was afraid to speak, terrified she would cry if she tried.

_**And if you find a good man, **_  
><em><strong>Don't take him home.<strong>_


	2. Find Out What You Are

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. We're so happy to be posting again! :) **

**Disclaimer: We don't own _The Outsiders_ by S.E. Hinton or "The Immortals" by Kings of Leon.**

* * *

><p><em>The open road, the path of greatness<br>It's at your fingers_

For a kid who was barely out of jail, finding a job was a difficult task. Most places gave him a once over and then turned up their noses. The others made up some lie that they would call him if there was an opening, but Two-Bit knew they threw away his application as soon as he walked out the door. He promised his mom he wouldn't find a job anywhere real dangerous, so that left out places like Charlie's and any other bar in town. He really didn't want to be a hamburger flipper, either; it just sounded so dull.

He drove his mom's car in the direction of the fancy new department store downtown and sat in the parking lot for a while. From the outside, it was a pretty swanky place for his standards. He watched the people that worked there help customers out to their cars with their boxes and bags. They were as nicely dressed as the shoppers that were getting into their nice cars. He cocked an eyebrow, unable to picture himself in such a getup but figured it wouldn't hurt to at least check out the store.

When he finally got up the guts to go inside, he found it was even nicer than he expected. Suddenly, he felt underdressed in his jeans and leather jacket. From the looks he was getting from nice ladies with their nice purses they kept clutching, he didn't belong.

Very quickly, he walked toward the men's section and pretended to be looking through neat piles of dress shirts. He could smell perfume from the counters in the center of the store, and that was when he noticed the tall guys in swanky suits walking around the store. They looked to be the store's security guards. It looked like a job better suited for Darry because none of these guys looked like they could crack skulls, even if they wanted to. Two-Bit wandered around for a couple more minutes, keeping an eye out for those sharp-dressed guys that walked around like they owned the place. It was the sorriest excuse for security he had ever seen. Sticking his hands in his pockets, he headed for the exit, his hand resting on the new prized possession he had pocketed without even breaking a sweat.

XXX

Two-Bit was happy to find Pony and Ellie sitting on the couch when he walked into the Curtis living room. He sank down beside them and slung his arm across the back of the sofa.

"Hey," Ellie said. "Is it true what I hear?"

"Probably not. But what have you heard?"

"That Two-Bit Mathews is out looking for a job?"

"Man, news travels fast around these parts. That actually is true."

Pony grinned. "Good for you. Any luck so far?"

"Not a bit," he replied, trying not to look as glum as he felt.

"Want me to see if they're looking for help down at the grocery store?" Ellie asked.

The prospects just kept getting worse and worse.

"No offense or anything, kid, but that sounds like the dullest job I ever heard of."

"It is," she agreed. "But it's a job and it's money."

"Well, I ain't too concerned about the money part, because I manage, but I'm gonna have to meet with my parole officer before too much longer, and the job part isn't something he's going to let slide, I'm sure. If I can't find anything in the next couple weeks, then I might take you up on that offer. Can I ask you something, El?"

"Sure."

"Remember when you guys threw that party for me after I got out? You told me something that I've been thinking about a lot today."

"What's that?"

"You said I oughta go down to that department store downtown and get a job as a security guard. Remember when you said that?"

She nodded. "Sure I do."

"Were you serious?"

She smiled, but he knew she wasn't laughing at him.

"Yeah. Why not? Somebody with your expertise in stealing could probably do the job better than anyone else."

He grinned. "My expertise? I wonder if I could put that on my application."

She sat up a little. "Are you really going to do it?"

He shrugged. "I'm thinking about it. It just seems a little crazy, you know?"

It was actually a lot crazy. He knew that, and it was half the reason he wasn't jumping on the idea. In all his life he couldn't really remember a time he needed someone to push him into doing anything a little left of center, and here he was looking for approval.

"It might just be a little crazy, but it couldn't hurt to try, right? I know you'd do a good job."

"What do you think, Pone? Does that sound nuts?"

Pony didn't look as convinced as Ellie, and he shrugged.

"I think you'd have to be out of your mind to try something like that, but if anybody could, it'd be you."

"Thanks, guys," he said with a smirk. "I might just do that."

"Let me know how it goes," Ellie said as she stood up and grabbed her jacket. "I've got to get home."

"What's the hurry?"

Pony leaned over and whispered loudly, "She's got a date."

That threw him off a little, but he tried not to let it show. He tried but there wasn't anybody he could really imagine her going out with.

"A date?" he asked, his eyebrows wiggling. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"It's not a big deal," she said, but her cheeks were turning red.

"Wade," Pony replied for her.

"The cowboy?" he asked, obnoxiously loud, just to get a reaction out of her.

It worked, too. She huffed a little as she pulled her coat on and opened the door. "Cut it out. Good luck, Two-Bit."

"Hold up, I'll walk with you," he said, getting up. "See you later, Pone!"

He followed her outside, noticing that she was walking awful fast.

"Hang on now, I ain't gonna make fun of you," he said, catching up to her.

"Am I supposed to believe that?" she asked, looking at him from the corner of her eye. There was a hint of a smile there.

"Of course. I ain't gonna rub you too hard about it," he said. "When'd all this happen?"

"I'm not really sure," she said.

"About what? When it happened or the date itself?"

She was staring ahead, arms crossed like she was cold. With a heavy sigh she said, "About it all, I guess. He's a nice kid, you know. I mean it's almost funny how innocent he is about everything. I've never met someone like that."

"Nervous?"

She looked at him and shook her head. "Not really. I just don't know if I should go through with it." Her eyes brightened up a bit, and she stopped walking. "Are you and Kathy doing anything tonight? You guys could show up and bail me out if I need it."

"Can't do that, kid," he said, depositing his hands in his pockets.

She looked stricken. "How come?"

He shrugged a little. "Kathy and I ain't really together anymore."

"Is everything okay?"

He smiled at her concern and nodded. "It's okay. It was kind of mutual as a matter of fact."

"What happened? You guys looked so happy a month ago."

"Turns out that things just weren't the same. We don't hate each other or nothing, and we weren't fighting like we were when we broke up before I got locked up. We just sort of fizzled out. I guess when you don't see someone for a while –" He cut himself off, wishing like hell he hadn't rambled on like that because he knew right where her mind would go.

"Oh." She sounded so damn sad when she uttered that single syllable that Two-Bit felt like kicking his own ass for bringing up something like that.

"That's just us," he said quickly. "Doesn't mean a thing. We weren't on great terms before. We were trying to get back something we hadn't had in a while, you know?"

She nodded a little and stared at the ground as they continued walking.

"Listen, El," he said, hoping to bring something good out of the conversation, "it's a good thing you're going on this date tonight. You can't just sit at home for the next couple of years waiting for Dally."

"I never even heard from him," she said. "Not once since he's been in."

This was a hard topic. In all honesty he wanted to see her and Dally together, though he knew he was in the minority. Maybe once upon a time he had seen something between them he never saw between anyone else. Maybe he just believed in the hopeless.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"Give Wade his one date and then ... I don't know."

"One day at a time," Two-Bit said. "Do you really want me to bail you out tonight?"

"No, I guess not. I don't want to hurt his feelings."

The thought made him smile. She had never been with a guy whose feelings she had to worry about hurting. Not a one. He could tell it was already turning out to be an interesting relationship if she let it last. He wasn't sure how she felt about the cowboy, if Ellie even knew herself.

"Do me a favor, though," she said. "Try and get that job. I really do think it's something you could be good at."

"Thanks, kiddo. Have fun. Don't get fresh with that cowboy, now."

"Are you kidding me?" she asked. "He's the last person in the world that would make a move on a girl."

"He's not the one I'm worried about," he replied with a wink.

She looked like she was trying not to smile, but it didn't last long. "See you later, Two-Bit."

He walked back to his car at the Curtises, ready to head home, but he sat there for a moment. The box that he stole was sitting on the passenger seat. He pulled out the silk tie he had pocketed from the department store and smiled. He considered those polished guards who didn't have a clue what to watch out for and thought that maybe Ellie had really been on to something. And if not, he had one hell of a silk tie to add to his closet.

XXX

Going on a date with Wade wasn't much different than just hanging out with him except that Pony wasn't there. But then again, there was something different. Wade was nervous.

They decided on the movie house, with Wade insisting she pick the movie. Reluctantly she did, choosing a western. She didn't know anything about it, but she did know she liked Jimmy Stewart an awful lot, and she figured Wade would like anything that involved people wearing cowboy hats. He had surprisingly left his at home, although she noticed he occasionally reached for it only to find it wasn't there.

Halfway through the movie, he seemed to finally get up the nerve to reach for her hand. She had watched his hand twitch for the last hour out of the corner of her eye and, although she considered protesting, she let him hold hers for the last half of the movie. She couldn't remember a date she had been on where anyone had only just tried to hold her hand. Maybe that was why she let him. She wasn't sure, and she spent the rest of the movie contemplating it.

After the movie was over, they ended up at a little pizza joint a few blocks from the Ribbon.

"How come you chose this place?" he asked.

She paused, about to take a bite of her pizza. "Just wanted something different, I guess. Hanging out on the Ribbon gets boring after a while."

Honestly, she just wanted a place where they were less likely to run into anyone she knew. Mainly Curly since he would surely just crash their date and make fun of Wade.

"How is it?" she asked.

"Really good." He grinned and added, "Better than the burgers at the Dingo."

She returned the smile, and they finished their dinner. Wade seemed nervous and Ellie half-expected him to talk even more than normal because of it, but he was unusually quiet. That made her feel a little more adventurous with him.

"I can't remember the last time I got to pick the movie on a date," she said.

"I really liked it. Westerns have always been my favorite."

She smiled, trying to keep it to herself. She had somehow guessed that.

"Do you go on a lot of dates?" he asked, a little bashful.

"Not a lot, I guess," she said after a moment's hesitation. She decided not to include the fact that most of her time spent going out with Dally or Tim hardly qualified as dates. It was a sure bet that she could embarrass him to death just telling him about the things she did with Dally alone.

"How's this one rank so far?" He kept his eyes focused on his Pepsi, but she could tell he was dying to know.

There were a lot of things she wanted to tell him then. She wanted to tell him she gave him the one date he asked for. She wanted to tell him that she kept up her end of the bargain, and now he needed to back off so they could just be friends.

But she couldn't bring herself to crush him like that, especially not with a lie.

"I guess it rates pretty high up there," she finally admitted.

"Honest?"

She nodded and he suddenly reached across the table and took her hand.

"I've got something else for you before I take you home. Is that okay?"

She could barely reply before he had pulled her out of her seat and led her out to his car.

"Wait just a second, okay?" he said before he dug around in the backseat for a moment.

She thought she could see his cowboy hat sitting on the floor of the backseat, but she wasn't sure because of the dim streetlights. She bit back a laugh, knowing he would never stray too far from that hat, when he finally turned around to her. He had a modest bouquet of flowers in his hand, and his cheeks were a little flushed.

"I was going to give these to you earlier," he explained. "I had this whole thing planned out. I was going to meet your parents and give you the flowers and open your door for you and everything, but you kind of threw me for a loop when you were waiting in your driveway for me."

She laughed uneasily, feeling her own cheeks flush with embarrassment. "Sorry I ruined your plans."

"I was kind of afraid you were that anxious about getting our date over with."

"Oh, Wade, that wasn't why I was waiting outside," she said, frowning a little. She kept it to herself that, while she should have known better, she didn't expect him to come to the door to pick her up. She felt ashamed that after the boyfriends she had had in the past, she had come to expect so little from guys she dated. "These are beautiful."

"I'm glad you like 'em. I thought about giving them to you on the way to the movie, but I thought you might think they were cheesy."

"From anybody else, they might be. From you, they're very sweet."

"Do you think there's a chance this one date could turn into another date?"

There was a part of her brain that was screaming at her, telling her it was the perfect opportunity to let him down easy and tell them they should just be friends. That was the part of her that still thought about Dally every single day, thinking of letters to write him, filled with apologies for that last one she sent.

Then there was the other part of her that couldn't ignore the things that everyone seemed to be telling her. Wade was a nice guy. He actually liked her. He took her on a nice date and wanted to meet her parents and open her car door and bring her flowers. All the things girls liked that Dally and Tim had casually ignored. It was hard to ignore that Wade made her feel good.

"I think if I turned you down," she said slowly, "I would be the dumbest girl in the world."

"Is that a yes?" he asked, a little surprised.

She nodded, and he kissed her suddenly, his arms wrapped around her and his lips warm against hers. There was more of that electricity that she remembered from New Year's, but this time, she thought less about Dallas and more about Wade.

_Once you've had enough, carry on  
>Don't forget to love 'fore you're gone.<em>


	3. Deal With Old Regrets

**Disclaimer: S. E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Matchbox Twenty owns "I Can't Let You Go."**

* * *

><p><em>Is it better now?<br>Do you feel like all is fair?_

What would have been Johnny's eighteenth birthday fell on a Friday, and Ellie and Pony skipped out on school for the day in Windrixville. Ellie skipped, at least; Pony had easily gotten Darry's permission to miss a single day. They seemed to be getting along better than ever, she noticed, and she was happy for them. She was also happy at how well she and Pony were getting along.

At the top of Jay Mountain they stood silently. She stared at the ashen ruins of the church, watching as bits of black rode off with the wind. Even almost two years later the whole ordeal felt far away. It was still hard to think about Johnny, and even harder to accept that he was really gone. Nothing solidified that more than standing right there.

Pony stood away from her, quietly staring at the burned timber and then out at the horizon. He didn't say anything, but she could tell he was thinking hard.

After only a few minutes he turned to her and said, "Let's go find something to eat. I'm starving."

For a second she studied him, hoping he was okay. He noticed her staring and smiled a little.

"I'm okay," he said. "Swear."

"You're sure?"

He looked back at the church and said, "I can't stay here."

She had no idea what he meant by that and she knew he wouldn't explain it. Instead he walked by her and got into the car.

XXX

"Wade said you guys had a good time on your date the other day," he said as they drove through the dusty old town. They had spent most of the morning just hanging out, but now they headed through the main drag – what little of it there actually was – and looked for a place to eat.

It had taken him a lot longer to mention the date than she expected. "We did."

"And?"

She smiled a little to herself as she pulled into Bud's Burgers off Main Street. It looked like some dive truckers may stop at if any truckers ever actually drove through Windrixville. Looking around, it didn't look like a popular place for just passing through.

"And what?" she asked as they got out of the car.

"What'd you guys do?"

Something settled inside her and she couldn't tell if it was disgust or embarrassment. She really didn't want to explain everything to Pony. Glancing at him she could tell he was dying to know.

"Pony, I swear you're a worse gossip than most girls I know."

"I ain't gossiping," he said. "I'm just … curious, I guess."

She kept her mouth shut about Wade until after they ordered their burgers and fries. It looked like it was just about killing Pony, too, so she avoided the conversation until their food arrived.

"He's really nice," she finally said. "We saw a movie and had pizza. He gave me flowers, too. It was really sweet."

A stupid grin crossed his face and he choked down a laugh. He said, "He gave you the flowers?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He asked me if he should get you flowers. I told him you'd probably think they were dumb. I can't believe he got them anyway."

She raised an eyebrow. "Why do you say I would think they were dumb?"

"If somebody like Tim got you a bunch of flowers, you'd think they were dumb."

She shrugged a little. "If Tim got me flowers, I'd think he'd lost his damn mind. That's about what it would take for a guy like that to get a girl flowers."

"So are you and Wade dating now?"

She had no idea what really constituted "dating."

"I don't know, but I think we'll go out again," she said.

"But seriously dating? Going steady and all?"

Exasperated she replied, "After one date? Are you serious?"

It had taken months of Wade wearing her down for her to actually admit to herself that she liked him, but going steady after one date? Pony clearly had no experience.

"Seemed like you did with Dally and Tim," he said. "I was just curious."

With a deep sigh she calmed herself down and she asked him why.

It was Pony's time to shrug a little. He stalled around and even got their drinks refilled before he finally stopped beating around the bush.

"I was thinking about asking this girl out, but I don't know if it'd be a good idea."

Ellie sat up a little straighter and focused all of her attention on Pony. It was the first time he had ever really talked about asking a girl out, and she was more than curious to know who he had in mind.

"Yeah?" she asked. "Anybody I know?"

"I don't know. She's a sophomore. I sort of asked her to hang out a while ago, but she was going out with that Bryon guy you know. They broke up, but he sort of hates my guts, so I don't know if I should ask her or not."

"Don't pay any attention to Bryon," she said. He was a nice enough guy when she saw him at her job, but he just wasn't in her circle of friends and neither was his buddy Mark.

"I thought she might be a little more interested to go out if it was kind of a group thing instead of a date, you know?"

Finally she saw where he was going with this.

"You mean, with Wade and me?"

"Well, if you two are going to go out again, you mind going out with us? If she even wants to," he added quickly.

She smiled. "Of course. I don't mind, and you know Wade won't either. And I'm sure she'd love to go out with you. Don't sell yourself short, Pone."

"I don't know. She's probably heard all kinds of stuff about me. You know how everybody talks about what happened."

She did. Everybody had their own version of how things happened with Pony, Johnny and the Socs, and nearly none of it was true. The nice thing about missing most of the last school year was that most people forgot about her.

"Well, if nothing else, she'll go out with you because you're so dreamy. That's what I always hear girls talking about."

He flushed a little. "They don't."

"They do, too," she said. She always heard girls talking about Pony the way she imagined most girls talked about Soda when he was their age. "You're the perfect mix of Darry and Soda."

"It's just because the blond in my hair's grown out," he said, but she caught the smile on his face as he finished his cheeseburger.

XXX

On their way back into town they talked about everything and nothing. She kept asking him how he planned on asking out Cathy, and he kept telling her he had no idea. He really didn't. In all honesty he didn't even know if he would actually go through with it. He decided to change the subject.

"Do you remember that contest Mr. Syme told me to enter? With my theme and all?"

She nodded, and he looked out the window. Buildings were beginning to pop up around them as they got further from Windrixville and closer to the city.

"I got a letter about it last week."

"You did? What'd they say?"

"I'm one of the finalists."

"What? Really?"

He looked back over at her, and she was grinning.

"Yeah," he said. "I'll find out in the next couple of weeks if I won or not."

"What do you get if you win?"

"A cash prize."

"Wow. What'll you do with it?"

"I guess save it for school. Darry would kill me if I did anything else with it. If I even win. I might not."

All he could think about was that cash prize right then. He didn't really know how much it could be, but he didn't figure it to be chump change.

"You'll win," she said. "With a story like that, you'll win without a doubt."

The words stung a little. With a story like that. It made the whole thing feel so fake, so contrived, as if it was something he didn't live through. He didn't tell her that, though.

"Maybe."

"What about college? Have you been thinking about it?"

"A little." He was lying, though. He had actually been thinking about it quite a bit lately.

"You better start thinking about it a lot. You'll be a senior next year. Where are you going to apply?"

"I haven't decided yet. Have you started thinking about it?"

She shook her head slowly. "School's never really been my strong suit. You know that."

"So what?"

It didn't take a lot to ruffle her feathers sometimes, and he just did it. Her jaw clenched tightly for a second before she said, "It'd be a waste of time for me to go to school. What would I even go for?"

He shrugged. "There's plenty of things you could study."

"If I even wanted to study, which I don't think I do. You, on the other hand, you could study anything you wanted to. Think you'll study English or something like that?"

"I don't know," he said. "Probably."

"You should. You could be some hotshot writer someday."

He smirked a little. "Maybe. Darry would probably hate that, though."

"How come?"

"You know Darry. He would think my time would be better spent doing other things. Working a real job like him."

"He would want you to do what you want to do. That's why he works so hard so you can go," she said. "And I think what you want to do is be a writer."

He smiled. "Yeah, that's what I'd like to do. He'd probably like it better if I didn't write about him again, though."

She nodded. "Probably."

It fell quiet again and he couldn't stand the silence for once.

"How's Danny?" he asked, trying to switch the subject.

"He's good. He's so sweet. And growing like a weed. You wouldn't believe how big he's gotten."

He liked hearing her talk about her little brother. The kid sure was cute from the couple of times he had seen him, and he felt sort of bad that he wasn't over there more often. It was just awkward to go over there because of Ellie's mom and stepdad.

"How's your mom doing?"

She shrugged. "Same as she's been for a while now. She doesn't seem like she's snapped out of it yet."

"She hasn't been right since Danny was born, has she?"

Ellie shook her head. She always seemed so sad when she talked about her mom which was such a contrast from when she talked about Danny. He could tell that she was good at putting up a front about it, but she was letting that guard down right then.

"I don't know what to do about her. She doesn't do anything but sleep half the time and it's like she's afraid to touch Danny sometimes. She lost her job awhile back, too," she said. He was about to say something when she said quietly, "She's been drinking a lot."

"Maybe she should go to the doctor or something," Pony suggested only because he didn't know what else to say. He was sorry he brought it up because there was nothing he could say to help her. "Maybe there's something really wrong with her."

"I know," she said. "But it's not like she doesn't take care of Danny. She does, it just always seems like such a chore."

"What's Jimmy like?"

"He's great. Surprising, right?"

"Honestly? Yeah, it is."

"He just loves that kid so much. He seems really fed up with my mom, though, and I guess I can't really blame him. I just can't believe he turned out to be such a good dad. He's always so good with Danny, and Danny's just crazy about him."

"Sorry for bringing it up. I know it ain't easy for you."

She shrugged a little and smiled, but she still looked sad. "It's okay."

They were silent for a long while as they made their way back into Tulsa, each lost in their own thoughts.

XXX

After dropping off Pony she drove herself home lost in thought. It wasn't until after she was parked and out of the car did she notice the newer car parked at the curb and the boy with the cowboy hat leaning against it. He smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile like an idiot back.

"How was it?" he asked, after kissing her on the cheek.

"Easier," she said, leaning beside him. "How come you're here?"

He shrugged. "Just wanted to make sure you guys got back okay. Is it okay that I just showed up?"

Smiling up at him, she nodded. She found herself feeling happier than she had been in a while.

XXX

Dallas was a pussy. There were few other words to describe how he felt about himself. It wasn't like he proclaimed it to the world or that he was counting the days in his head, but that stupid, crazy broad on the outside still had the ability to drive him mad while on the inside.

It wasn't until Ellie's letters stopped coming that he realized he actually looked forward to them. Dally prided himself on not giving a shit about anything anymore, but she could still make him insane. The worst part, he realized, was that he was powerless to do anything about it.

In the old days, he could simply torment her into doing anything he wanted or at least to get a reaction out of her. Even when she was with Tim, he knew ways to get to her that proved she still liked him, that the shit she was doing with Tim meant nothing to her. But now he was behind bars and she was off living her life.

Every day, Dally told himself he didn't care, but when the mail came around in the afternoon he found himself let down a little more. If she wasn't writing to him, what the hell was she doing?

_Down from the edge I can see where we end,  
>I'd give up all of my days to go back<em>


	4. Torn

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_, and 3 Doors Down owns "Let Me Go."  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>In this world, there's real and make believe<br>And this seems real to me_

**Spring 1968**

Darry was finishing up the dishes from dinner when the front door slammed shut. He figured one of his brothers forgot something before they ran out to do whatever they were going to do that evening, but he was a little surprised to find Two-Bit slumped on the couch.

He was even more surprised by what he was wearing.

"Uh, hey, Two-Bit. What's up?" He was trying to keep himself from laughing. Two-Bit looked so serious sitting there on the couch. Glory, did Darry realize how dull it had been when Two-Bit wasn't around.

He sighed. "Busy day."

Now that was something. "Yeah? What have you been up to?"

"Interviews. For a job," he added, as if to answer Darry's inevitable question.

He raised his eyebrows a little. "I see you got dressed up for them even."

Two-Bit looked down and his attire. "Yep."

"That's a nice tie you've got there. Is that silk?"

He nodded but still looked ridiculously serious.

"I think it'd probably look better if it weren't paired with a t-shirt. The blue jeans are a good match, though."

"Thanks. Personally, I like the leather jacket. I thought it was a nice touch. It gave it a little something extra."

The tugging at the corners of his mouth hurt so badly so he let himself grin for just a second. It was hard to keep a straight face with the sight in front of him.

"So how'd those interviews go?"

"Not so hot. I guess not everybody appreciated my fashion sense. Or my lack of experience."

"I didn't know you were in the market for a job."

"Gotta be, says the parole board."

Darry should have known it wasn't Two-Bit's own idea that had him out there searching for a job, although it could only be his idea to do it in a silk tie and a beat up leather jacket.

"Where all have you interviewed?"

He sighed heavily and threw one arm into the air and flipped his wrist in an arc.

"All over the damn state, it feels like. I had a few interviews off the Ribbon today. I even got hired on at Jay's as a busboy."

"Well, that's a job," he said, feigning excitement. Two-Bit just stared at him, his mouth agape. "I'm guessing that didn't work out so well?"

"I quit. It was just so boring!" He rubbed at his head, and even Darry had to feel a little sorry for him with how miserable he looked. "It's too bad the Dingo burned to the ground, it woulda been a bit better working there I bet."

He stared at Two-Bit for a minute. It had been all over the newspaper that the place had burned down, and he was a little surprised it hadn't happened sooner than that considering the kind of joint it was. Now, however, he was a little suspicious. "You didn't have anything to do with that, did you?"

"You think I'm trying to not get hired?"

"You don't sound like you're working too hard to keep a job. How long were you even at Jay's? An hour?"

Two-Bit's head moved from side to side, and then he nodded. "About that."

"You gotta put a little effort into it. No one likes the first day."

"Man, I don't know how you do it without losing your mind."

Darry shrugged. "Sometimes you just have to. You get used to it. What other choice is there?"

Two-Bit said nothing for a little while before he glanced around the room and out the front door. "Can you keep a secret, Dar?"

"Sure," Darry replied, mostly out of interest. He couldn't imagine Two-Bit would have anything more surprising to tell him after that.

"A couple weeks ago, I went to that new department store downtown. You know, the real classy joint?" He held up the tie that was around his neck. "It's where I picked this up."

"You're putting an awful lot at stake, stealing from a place like that, aren't you? The little drugstores around town can't do a whole heck of a lot if you steal something from them, but a place like that could probably have you thrown back in prison. And probably for less than that tie right there."

"That's the thing, though! There were all sorts of people around, but nobody was paying any attention. I probably could have gone up to one of those guys that were supposed to be security guards, the ones in the penguin suits, and asked them how to tie it, and they still wouldn't have known I was stealing from right under their noses!"

"So what's the problem?"

"Well, see, I went down there to apply for a job as a janitor. I figure a place that big needs somebody scrubbing their floors or something. Besides, there'd be plenty of people to talk to all day long. What they really need, though, is somebody like me working their security."

Darry tried to hide his surprise because he didn't want to offend his buddy, but these were pretty big bombshells Two-Bit kept dropping on him.

"That might be a pretty tough sell for them, don't you think?"

Two-Bit nodded. "Boy, don't I know it. But I have this idea. The thing is, it might be an even bigger risk than lifting this damn tie was in the first place. It would definitely be dumber."

"What's your plan?"

"Tell 'em I did it."

"You're right. That's a pretty big risk and maybe not the smartest idea in the world."

Two-Bit looked glumly at his hands as he nodded his head. "Yeah, it'd be pretty stupid to waltz in there and do something like that, wouldn't it? I may as well put the handcuffs on myself before I even walk in the doors." He looked back up at Darry. "But I can't get it out of my head. I think there's a chance it might really get me the job."

"Do you really want to be a security guard? No offense, but you're probably the last person I would expect wearing a uniform and a badge."

That image must have seemed a little funny to him too because he finally cracked a smile. "You're right. What a stupid idea. It might be kind of fun, though. Catching some stupid, punk kid red-handed. It'd be good for a laugh."

"You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?"

"Yeah. I don't know why, I just can't stop thinking about it. I guess I just needed somebody to tell me it was stupid."

Seeing Two-Bit look so upset made Darry second-guess himself a little. "You know, the more I think about it, I don't think it's a stupid idea. Sure, it's pretty risky, but you could be right. The payoff could be worth it. I'm sure the last thing a place like that would want to hear is that people are ripping them off. If you think it's something that would be worth a little risk, Two-Bit, I think you oughta go for it."

From the way his face lit up, it looked like that was exactly what Two-Bit wanted to hear. "Really?"

"You know what you're risking, right? Jail time, fines, maybe."

Two-Bit was quiet for a minute, looking like he was seriously thinking it all over. "That's a possibility. I think I could talk them out of it though. If they gave me the chance, I think I could make them change their minds."

Darry grinned. "You could talk the spots off a Dalmatian, Two-Bit. If anybody could pull off a hair-brained scheme like this, it's you."

He grinned right back. "Thanks, Darry. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me."

XXX

In only the span of a few hours Darry had gone from seeing Two-Bit in a silk tie and a leather jacket, to a very nervous Ellie standing in the living room all dressed up from head-to-toe. She looked really nice.

"What's the occasion?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

Looking up from the paper, he took her in all over again and shrugged. Even her hair was down from its usual pony tail and instead of sneakers, she was wearing a nice pair of shoes.

"Nothing I guess, you just look nice," he said cautiously.

"Is it too much?"

Darry shook his head. Too much was when she dated Tim and wore short skirts and a pound of make up. She looked like she was going to church or something.

"It's dinner with his parents. Wade's," she explained. "I mean really, his parents? I don't do things like this. I _haven't_ dont things like this. I've only gone out with him a couple of times, and now I'm meeting his parents?"

She looked so nervous, he wondered if she was actually going to go through with it.

"Relax," he said. "Just be yourself. They'll love you."

Her face pinched when he said that. She looked disgusted with herself.

"I hate myself," she said. "Wade doesn't even know anything about me. He likes a me that isn't really me."

Good God Almighty, he wished Ellie didn't have so many problems for him to keep track of.

"Don't say that, El. That kid is crazy about you. That's all that matters."

"Thanks."

"It'll be fine. Wade's a nice kid I can only guess that his parents are as nice."

"His dad's a pastor, you know. I haven't stepped foot in a church since my grandma used to make me go."

"So don't talk about God," he suggested. "And don't swear."

Allison walked in the door as he gave her the advice, and she gave him a funny look. "That's always good advice. I think."

He smiled and kissed her.

"You look nice, by the way," she said to Ellie. "And Wade was right behind me when I pulled in. Looks like this is a big date tonight."

There was a knock on the door, and she smoothed out invisible wrinkles on her blouse.

"You had him pick you up here?" Darry asked.

"I know," she said. "I'm pathetic."

"Good luck. Just be yourself," he repeated as she headed out.

"What was all that about?" Allison asked.

"Just a reminder of why God never gave me a sister," he said.

XXX

Dinner with Wade's family was nothing like she expected, and it wasn't until his mother sat down so they could eat did she realize that she really had no idea what she was expecting in the first place. One thing she certainly didn't expect was how quiet Wade was going to be.

She sat between Wade and his younger sister, Julie, and sat directly across from his mother. The conversation during dinner had been guided by her, and it never wandered into territories Ellie wasn't comfortable with. No one asked about her mother and nothing was said about her being a full year behind in school. Part of her wondered if they knew any of that.

"Wade tells us that you're a hard worker," his dad said. "You've been holding down a job and going to school?"

Ellie nodded, thinking carefully about how she wanted to answer. "Yes, I work at a supermarket, the new Food Mart downtown."

"Do you like it?" his mother asked.

"I like it okay."

"Well, I hope you manage working with school better than Wade does," his father said, giving him a stern look with a wink attached to it.

"I think I handle it okay."

It wasn't really a lie. She never had any problem balancing work and school; the trouble came from balancing work, school and the boys in her life.

The smile from his mother was bright and warm. Ellie pushed aside the nervous flips in her stomach and tried to eat. The dinner that was served looked like something her grandmother would have fixed and something Ellie had learned to cook when she was still pretty young. As she ate, she watched the family. They were nice to each other, they ate as much for food as to enjoy each other's company. They talked about their days and things coming up during the week, even including the littlest member of their family who was still in a high chair. It was so unlike anything that had ever gone on in her house. Even though it was so foreign to her, it was comforting. She found the longer she sat there, the more she enjoyed it.

When everyone was finished eating, Wade and Julie got up quickly and started to collect dishes, but Mrs. Wilson stopped them.

"Wade has a guest tonight, I'll do the dishes," she said as she gathered the empty plates in front of everyone. "How does dessert sound, Ellie?"

"Sounds great. Do you need any help?"

"Julie can help me. You stay put."

As his mother and sister went into the kitchen, she noticed Wade still sitting rather uncomfortably beside her. She nudged him a little and smiled, and he took her hand under the table.

"How come you two didn't go to homecoming?"

Ellie stared at his dad and tried to find some answer that wouldn't sound as awful as the real reason, but Wade answered for her saying, "I didn't ask her in enough time."

"I bet you already had a date, didn't you?" he asked, but he had a gleam in his eye that reminded her of Mr. Curtis. "I imagine Wade here had to steal you up pretty quick."

A hollow pit formed in her stomach, and she was clueless on what to say.

"She didn't know me well enough, dad," Wade said.

"Well, we're awful glad you did get to know him. I know he is, too. You're all he talks about, you know?"

This time Ellie felt herself blush, especially as Wade squeezed her hand a little more. She tried to really enjoy the moment, instead of worrying about how fast this was moving. She still wasn't sure that she liked Wade as much as he seemed to like her, but his family sure did make her feel like a different person.

A few minutes later, Mrs. Wilson and Julie walked back in with bowls of ice cream. They set one in front of everyone. It was almost too perfect, but she let herself be apart of it.

XXX

Allison was getting dressed in the dark when Darry stumbled back into the bedroom.

"I wish you would stay the night once in a while," he said, wrapping his arms around her before she could finish doing up the buttons on her blouse.

"You know I need to get home so I can take care of Lizzie in the mornings."

He nodded. "I know. It just feels like we're doing something wrong when you have to sneak out of here in the middle of the night. Like sneaking around our parents' backs or something."

She turned around to face him, and he could tell she was smiling. "You know, if we made this a little more official somehow, I wouldn't have to be sneaking out of here in the middle of the night."

He kept his face as neutral as possible even though he knew exactly where she was headed with this. She had been dropping subtle – and not so subtle – hints about getting married for the last couple of months at least. He wasn't trying to ignore them, but he felt like he was already juggling responsibilities as it was. He knew it was about time to come clean, though.

"How exactly do we make it 'more official?'" he asked.

"Well, you know," she said, shifting a little in front of him.

"I don't think I do."

"Oh, come on, Darry," she said, pulling away from him and sitting on the edge of the bed. "You know what I'm talking about."

He turned on the small lamp beside the bed before he sat down next to her. He felt like he should be a little more nervous about all of this, but somehow he wasn't. It certainly wasn't how he had planned it, not with her insisting and giving in to her asking. He had to make sure she understood it was what he wanted too. Allison was unlike any girl he could have ever imagined he would have ended up with, and he knew she would understand his hesitation. He liked that she was thinking in the same direction he was, though. He just wanted to hear her say it.

"I'm not sure I do," he said.

She sighed and started buttoning her shirt again. "I need to get home."

He smiled to himself as he stood up and walked over to the dresser. He opened the top drawer and dug around in the back until he came up with the small box he had kept hidden in there since New Year's Eve.

Allison was pulling on her heels when he turned around.

"Do you mean something like this?" he asked, fumbling with the box as he pulled out the ring.

She covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes kept moving between him and the ring. "Darry," she whispered, "how long have you been planning this?"

He shrugged a little and smiled at her. "Longer than you think I have."

"It's beautiful," she said.

"It was my mom's." He sat back down on the bed beside Allison and realized they were both just staring at the ring because he had never actually asked her the big question. "You know this means I want to marry you, right?"

She grinned and wrapped her arms around him. He pulled her close and gave her a long kiss. When they broke apart, he tried to slip the ring on her finger. It didn't fit at all, and he ran a hand through his hair.

"You'd think that in the months I've been carrying this ring around, it would have occurred to me to make sure it would fit you."

She kissed him on the cheek. "That doesn't matter. Why did you wait so long? I was beginning to think you weren't interested in getting married."

"That's the thing," he began, pulling away from her a little. "I was waiting because I have no idea how this is going to work."

"Well, typically, we date, then we get engaged, and then we get married," she said. "I guess you could do it in a different order, but I don't know why you would."

He smiled at her. "Thanks. That's not what I meant, but thanks. What I mean is I've got two brothers still living here. It would be cramped. Lizzie would have to move. You'd have to take a major step down from your mom's nice house to live here … is that something you'd really want to do?"

"I want to marry you. If that means I move to Mexico, sign me up."

"Would you be okay with waiting to get married?" he asked. "I'd just like to make sure Pony gets through his last year of school okay. And maybe by then we can figure out the space problem here."

She leaned into him and rested her head against his shoulder. "Darry, I'm not trying to rush you into anything. I just wanted to know that we have a future. We'll get married when the time is right, and everything will work out just fine."

He closed his eyes and rested his head against hers. Marriage was a big step and a huge change for everybody involved, but somehow he believed her. Everything would work itself out.

"Tell you what," he said, taking the ring and putting it back in the box. "Don't tell anyone yet."

She gave him a crooked smile and watched the box in his hands. "How come?"

"Because for one the ring doesn't fit you and it needs to, and I want to surprise you again. Maybe a time when you're not asking all the questions about when we're going to do this," he said, putting the box safely back in his dresser drawer.

Allison's freckled nose scrunched up, and he kissed her on the forehead.

"Well, I guess I can do that, but you're going to have to really surprise me with it."

"I'll do my best," he said, holding her close. "Promise.

XXX

Wade walked her up to her door and paused there, holding her hand in his.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"What do you have to be sorry about?"

"My parents. They're kind of embarrassing."

She took his other hand. "Your parents are great. I wish my mom was half as sweet as your mom."

That was something she truly meant. Above all else, she would give anything to have a mother that actually acted like a mom instead of someone she just lived with.

"You're lucky, Wade. Ask half of my friends and you'd know that," she said. "Come in for five minutes, and you'd know that."

Wade looked at the door and then at her, a bit of fear in his eyes.

"I'm not serious. You don't have to come in," she said.

"When am I gonna meet your mom?"

It would probably be too much for him if she insisted that Wade did not want to know her mom, so she shrugged and said nothing. When he only stood there, holding her hands, she felt the need to reassure him.

"It's not you. She's just not somebody you need to meet right now. She's not like your mom. She's hardly been my mom lately."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's just how it is. It's really okay."

She let go of his hands, wishing now that he would just leave her alone for the night. She was already going to be up half the night comparing her family to his, and there wasn't much to compare.

Gently, he touched her face, brushing wisps of hair back behind her ear. He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I like you, Ellie."

He kissed her once on the lips and told her goodnight. He waited outside of his car until she was inside.

The house was dark, her mom and Danny probably in bed and Jimmy was at work. Ellie paused at her mom's bedroom door and opened the door slowly and was instantly attacked by the scent of stale cigarettes. From the dim glow of the hallway light, she could see the outline of her mom's body snug under covers, breathing deeply in her sleep.

_How can this love be a good thing  
>When I know what I'm goin' through?<em>


	5. Spinning

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Lifehouse owns "Spin."**

* * *

><p><em>The the world keeps spinning 'round,<br>My world's upside down  
>And I wouldn't change a thing.<em>

The math problems were the same as the year before, but she was still having problems with them. Erasing the scribbles on her homework, she set up the problem again and sighed. Pony was watching her, and she wished he would just tell her what to do. He just waited instead. He kept telling her she had to learn it for herself or she would never get it. That wasn't helping anything.

Darry walked in with a couple of bags of groceries and set them on the counter.

"Hey Pone, there's a couple more out in the truck. Can you grab them?"

"Sure."

Pony got up and Ellie kept trying the problem. Looking over her shoulder, she was satisfied Pony was gone. "Darry, do you know how to do this?"

Darry laid his hands flat on the table and looked at the problem she was pointing to. He studied it and explained it to her quickly as Pony walked back in. Ellie saw what he was talking about and finally completed the problem.

"You didn't need help," Pony said. "You almost had it."

"Easy for you to say," she said, closing the book.

"Hey, El, what are you doing Saturday night?" Darry asked.

She shrugged as she packed up her school stuff. "Nothing. I have to babysit Danny."

"Would you mind watching Lizzie, too? Allison's mom is out of town this weekend, and we're going to a play or something."

"A play or something? You?" Pony asked with a laugh.

"Watch it, little man," he said before turning his attention back to Ellie. "You can bring him over here. I'll pay you and everything."

It was impossible to tell him no with the hopeful look on his face.

"That's fine," she said, grabbing up her stuff. "But you really don't have to pay me. It's not like I get paid to watch Danny or anything."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," he said with a broad smile. "I owe you one."

"You owe me two," she said.

XXX

Two-Bit sat uncomfortably in the chair across from the guy that was supposedly head of the department store's security. He was just an old, overweight guy. Maybe a former cop that got too old or too slow to actually be a cop anymore. He scowled over the paper he was holding, looking more at Two-Bit than at the application.

"Is this some sort of joke?" he finally asked, his voice as gruff as he looked.

"No, sir. No joke at all."

"It says on here you didn't finish high school." He looked back at the paper. "Oh, and that you just got out of prison."

"Yes, sir. For good behavior," he added. "Did I write that on there?"

"Yes, yes. That's scribbled here in the margin."

"I was a model prisoner."

"That's a good thing to know. If I were running a prison. I'm not. I'm running a department store."

Two-Bit sat a little straighter in his chair. "I know I don't have any glowing recommendations on there or nothing, sir, but I would be very good at this job."

"I highly doubt any criminal would be good at a job involving security."

He fought the urge to scowl at the old man. Instead he cleared his throat and leaned forward a little in his chair. "First of all, sir, I don't think I'm a criminal. I did some stupid things, and I paid my dues. I was even honest about it. I could have lied as easy as I didn't. That's gotta count for something, right?"

The old man grumbled non-committal.

"And second of all, I think someone like myself would be excellent at a job in security. I'll tell you something else that I could easily lie about. I'm one hell of a thief. I could lift just about anything out from right under your nose and you'd never see it coming. You'd never even know it was missing until you reached for it, and it wasn't there. Like your pen for example."

The old man grunted again and set down the application. He reached for something and came back empty-handed. Two-Bit produced his fancy ink pen from his jacket pocket.

"See? I swiped it as soon as I walked in here, and you never noticed."

"All that proves is you might make a pretty good magician at a child's birthday party. That or a clown. Neither of which we need here."

Two-Bit tugged at his tie a little, uneasy about how the interview had ended up but not ready to give up just yet. "I'll tell you another story and then I'll leave and hopefully when I walk out of here, you won't be calling the cops on me." He removed the empty box he had stuffed inside his jacket before he walked into the store. "This is one of the store's ties, right?"

The guy glanced at the box and back at Two-Bit. His gaze fell on the tie around his neck, and the look turned into a scowl.

Two-Bit hurriedly pulled the tie from around his neck and smoothed it out. He set the box on the desk and the tie on top of the box. "I stole this about a week ago, and not a single person looked at me. Even if you don't hire me, you oughta know that you're probably getting robbed blind every single day. I know this is a nice part of town, but kids like me come running to places like this just to see how much we can score. I only did this to prove something, but I know you probably still see it as stealing. I'd be happy to pay for it if you want, although it may take me a while, especially if I don't get this job."

The man was staring hard at the tie and, for the life of him, Two-Bit couldn't read his expression. He couldn't until he looked back up at him, and then Two-Bit knew exactly what he was thinking.

"I'll see myself out," he said, standing up hurriedly. "Thank you for your time."

He didn't have to see himself out alone because the old grump followed him closely. It was exactly what he had counted on.

The old man was close on his heels when Two-Bit got close to the counter that was selling men's accessories. Most of the expensive things - the cuff links and watches - were in the glass case, but the smaller things were sitting out. There was a kid standing there, looking like it was the last place he belonged. Two-Bit knew that look from the first time he ever lifted something, and he glanced back at the old security guard.

"It might be a good idea to check that kid's jacket before he walks off with a wallet or two."

The kid seemed to hear him, and his eyes widened just like the guard's did.

"Hey, kid!"

Before the guard could do anything, the kid bolted, dropping a wallet from inside his ratty jean jacket as he did. Two-Bit imagined the guard croaking of a heart attack trying to catch up with the kid, so he took off instead. If it didn't get him the job, it might at least make the old man feel guilty about it.

He burst outside into the parking lot and spotted the kid racing in between parked cars. He was too far to catch, but Two-Bit made it as far as he could before he couldn't breathe anymore. When he stopped to catch his breath, he heard the old guard jogging towards him. He had run at about half Two-Bit's speed but looked twice as winded.

"That little shit," the guy muttered.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Two-Bit agreed.

"You could tell just by looking at him?"

"It's the eyes. They give everybody away. It's how I got caught the first time."

"How do I know you won't just rob us blind yourself if you're so good at it?"

Two-Bit shrugged. "I guess you just have to take a chance. Look, I know my being in prison ain't a point in my favor, but I really need the job. I ain't never been good at nothing but stealing, but I think I could be good at this. I'm a long shot, I know that, but I guess the way I figure it, if I steal something from you, you know where I get my paycheck from."

The man regarded him for a second then looked back in the direction the kid had run off to. "Next time, you better run just a little faster."

Two-Bit perked up a little. "Next time?"

"Be here at seven tomorrow morning."

"Seven?" The old guy seemed to pick up on his disgust, so Two-Bit changed his tune. "Seven sounds perfect. You won't be sorry."

"I better not be."

The old guy was still breathing hard as he walked back to the store, and Two-Bit whistled a happy tune as he made his way through the parking lot to his car. He rounded the old hunk of junk and came face to face with the kid that had lifted the wallet.

"That was a pretty good show back there, right?" the zit-faced kid said.

"It wasn't half bad," Two-Bit agreed. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He handed the kid a couple of bucks.

"That's it?" he whined.

Two-Bit cocked an eyebrow at him. "You lifted the cheapest wallet they had there. You could have at least gotten two or picked up one of those leather ones they had. Plus you ran too fast. It would have looked better if I could have closed in on you a little more."

"This is bullshit," the kid muttered, pocketing the money.

"You got a problem with it and you come back here and try to steal something again," Two-Bit suggested with a grin. "I dare you."

The kid just scowled and walked away, kicking at Two-Bit's car. It had so many dents in it already, it didn't matter. He climbed in and the old bucket's engine turned over on the first try. Two-Bit returned to the tune he was whistling and cruised out of the parking lot.

XXX

On Saturday, Ellie deposited Danny on the living room floor with a bag of toys and watched him ignore them completely and go for the junk on the coffee table instead. Allison was sitting on the couch with Lizzie, giving her a small talking to about the rules for the night. Darry stood anxiously by the door.

"Are you going to be good for Ellie?" Allison asked.

Lizzie nodded and Allison kissed her on the head and set her back on the floor. She stood up and smoothed her skirt.

"She should be good for you, and if not please let me know. Don't worry so much about getting her to sleep, just try and get her to settle down around eight or so. We shouldn't be back too late."

Ellie nodded. "Do you care if Wade comes? He said he might stop by for a bit when he's off of work tonight."

She shook her head. "No, not at all. Lizzie loves to play house and I'm sure she'd love to have more people playing. I hope she isn't a handful for you tonight."

"I've got this," she assured them. "You guys have fun."

"Thanks, El," Darry said. Allison joined him at the door, and he slid his hand around her waist before they headed outside.

Ellie turned to look at the kids. Lizzie was pulling out Danny's toys and Danny was trying to pull himself up on the couch. For the moment, they were occupied and Ellie sat on the floor with Lizzie to play.

XXX

Looking for a little action, Two-Bit walked toward the Curtises to see if anyone was home. A newly familiar car was just pulling up as he turned onto the street, and he grinned to himself when he saw the cowboy hat in the streetlight.

"Wade!"

Wade looked up, looking all around him until Two-Bit was nearly right under his nose.

"Oh, hey there, Two-Bit," Wade greeted.

"Whatcha up to? Takin' Ellie out?"

It was funny the way his face turned all red, and he stuttered a little trying to answer him. "Not tonight. She's babysitting and I thought I'd come over and help her out."

Two-Bit looked at the house and smiled to himself. This could be a lot of fun.

"I think I'll help you out, too."

He followed Wade up through the yard and up the porch. He was about the knock and Two-Bit just pushed the door open instead.

"You gotta learn that you don't have to knock here," he told him. Wade just shrugged and they walked in together.

There was screeching laughter coming from the kitchen and the sounds of a pot and pan parade. They both walked toward the ruckus and Two-Bit was about to make his own loud entrance but silenced himself when he saw the happy smile on Ellie's face when she saw Wade. He watched her for a few seconds and realized that in that short moment there was no one else in the room but him.

They hugged, almost awkwardly, as she noticed Two-Bit standing there.

"Hey," she said, a bright smile on her face. "You came to play?"

"Sure did. I thought I'd come celebrate."

"Celebrate what?"

He grinned. "Celebrate my first successful day as a security guard."

"You got the job?" she asked excitedly.

"Sure did. It took some doing, but the guy finally caved. I had to pay some miniature hood to try to steal something so I could prove I had a good eye for it, but it worked."

She laughed, and even Wade seemed amused by it. "I'm so happy you got it. How was your first day?"

"A little on the boring side, but as far as I could tell, nobody lifted anything while I was around. My boss is going to be on my back for a while, though, I can already tell."

"You're gonna do great. He'll be happy he hired you."

"I sure hope so."

He looked down at the two tiny kids on the floor and crouched down to their level. Lizzie handed him her wooden spoon while Danny smacked him on the arm with one. He jammed with them for a minute or two.

"Hey," he said, something dawning on him. "You know what we need? A tent."

Ellie stared at him. "A what?"

"A tent. These kids need a tent to play in."

Ellie was still looking at him a little confused, but Wade got it immediately. "Get as many sheets and blankets as you can."

"Okay … " she said hesitantly. "Watch them."

Wade crouched down and looked at Lizzie. "Want us to build you a tent to play in?"

The little girl's blue eyes lit up. "Like a house?"

"Sure," he said.

Two-Bit got up and rubbed his hands together. He pointed at the dining room chairs and Wade grabbed two and followed him into the living room. Lizzie followed, watching excitedly as Danny continued to bang on pots in the kitchen.

Wade was setting up chairs in a wide circle, but Two-Bit told him to push them out wider. He went to work pushing the couch so it faced the fireplace.

"What are you doing?"

Ellie was standing by the bathroom door, holding a modest arm load of blankets.

"El, we're gonna need more than that," Two-Bit said. "Ain't we, Wade?"

Wade surveyed the room and then the blankets in her arms and nodded. He pushed his cowboy hat back on his head and said, "Yeah, we need more than that."

"Are you two serious?"

"El, the blankets, come on! We've got kiddos waiting here!" Two-Bit said. He took the ones in her arms and pushed her off to grab more.

Wade called after her, "Grab any clothes pins, too!"

XXX

It took the boys nearly half an hour to set it all up, but when they were finished, they had created a modest circus tent. It was almost the size of the entire living room. Two-Bit quickly decided it wasn't big enough and moved the dining room table out a bit and started throwing the rest of the sheets over it. It was impossible to get anywhere in the house without crawling through the tent.

"Honestly, you guys, this is nuts," she said, as she got down on her hands and knees and followed Danny into the big top. Inside it was dark, but just behind her Two-Bit crawled back under with a flashlight and a camping lantern.

When the lights went on, Lizzie squealed in delight.

"Who is gonna clean all this up?"

"Relax, El. It's just blankets. No big deal," Two-Bit said.

"Didn't you ever build tents like this?" Wade asked her.

Ellie shook her head. "No way. My grandma never would have let me do anything like this. If I did this I woulda had to wash all these blankets before putting them back!"

"Well, live a little," Two-Bit said. "They love it!"

Lizzie crawled around them, giving orders.

"Ellie, you're the mommy. Bit, you're the brother. Wade, you're the daddy and Danny can be the baby like me," she said.

Wade immediately scooted closer to her.

"What are the mommy and daddy supposed to do?" Wade asked.

"They're supposed to take care of us," she said, matter-of-factly. "The big brother is being mean to us."

On cue, Two-Bit grabbed her around the waist and drug her into his lap. He tickled her and she kicked and laughed. When he stopped, she was out of breath and in a baby voice she said, "Momma! He's being mean to me!"

Taking her cue, Ellie said, "Two-Bit. Knock it off! Be nice to your sister!"

"Aw, I don't wanna be!"

"You have to be," Ellie told him. Lizzie gave him an angry look that was overpowered by a huge smile as she crawled out of his lap. She moved around, pointing out different living areas they were supposed to abide by.

"This is the kitchen," she said, pointing to the far corner. "We need to make dinner."

Ellie crawled over, and they pretended to make dinner. As they cooked, she heard the front door open and a sudden gasp.

"Oh man, this is incredible!"

"Hey, Soda!" Ellie called.

Two-Bit carefully parted two blankets and stuck his head out through the top.

"Look, Lizzie, he has no head!" Wade said and Lizzie laughed.

"Come on in, Soda!" Two-Bit said.

"If you can," Ellie added. "You might have to go through the kitchen."

From inside, she could hear him kick off his shoes and bound through the house to find the entrance. A few minutes later, he was on his hands and knees crawling toward them.

"No way," he said, sitting and taking them all in. "This is so cool."

"Will you play too, Soda?" Lizzie asked.

"You bet I will! What are we playing?"

Lizzie appraised him for a moment and then said, "You're the prince. Ellie's the queen and I'm a princess."

"What's that make me and Wade?" Two-Bit asked.

She looked at Wade and said, "He's the king."

She seemed stuck on what to make Two-Bit, so Soda leaned down and whispered something in her ear.

"Bit," she said, "you're the jester."

They all laughed and Two-Bit bowed. "I'll do my best, my lady."

XXX

The kids were falling asleep as they crawled around the tent, and Ellie finally had to carry them back to the bedrooms. It was later than she had wanted to put them to bed, but it was hard to babysit them along with Two-Bit, Soda and Wade.

She was trying to edge her way back into the living room when the front door opened and a very surprised Darry walked in.

Allison laughed before he could say anything. "When did the circus get in town?"

"Oh, right around the time the three stooges showed up," she replied.

"Yeah," Two-Bit said as he stumbled out from under the tent, Soda and Wade tripping over chairs as they stood up too. He blinked a little when Darry turned on the living room lamp.

"The kids had a blast," Ellie said.

"Yeah," Darry said, eyeing Two-Bit, Soda and Wade. "I bet Lizzie and Danny had fun, too."

Allison laughed again. "I'm gonna go say goodnight to her. I hope she was good for you, Ellie."

"She was great. It was the boys who were a handful."

"That's a lie," Soda replied. "We were princes."

"Literally," Ellie said. "Because Lizzie made them."

"And who was the frog?" Darry asked.

"Nobody, but I was the jester," Two-Bit said. "Best performance of the night."

"Somehow, I can believe that," he replied.

As Allison was struggling to get into the hall, the bedroom door opened and Lizzie walked out. Ellie could see the struggle to keep her eyes open.

"Momma," she said, as Allison picked her up. "Can we sleep in my tent?"

"You'll have to ask Darry," she said, turning to him.

"Darry, can we sleep in the tent?"

Lizzie wasn't the only one who froze, waiting for his answer. She could practically feel the boys behind her holding their breaths to see Darry's reaction. He looked out at the giant mess of his house and sighed. Turning back to Lizzie, he took her little hand and said with a smile, "We don't have any blankets left to sleep under."

Lizzie surveyed the room again and looked at her mother and then at Darry. She said casually, "I'll be okay."

"Well then, I guess it's okay," he said.

Lizzie's blue eyes lit up. She squirmed out of Allison's arms and darted back under the tent.

"Wrapped around her finger already?" Soda asked.

Darry turned bright red for a second and shrugged. Ellie could never remember seeing him so happy.

_I've got nothing else to lose  
>I lost it all when I found you<br>And I wouldn't change a thing._


	6. Hanging on the Memory

**Disclaimer: _The Outsiders_ belongs to S.E. Hinton, and "Angry" belongs to matchbox twenty.**

* * *

><p><em>And instead of wishing that it would get better,<br>Man, you're seeing that you just get angrier._

Steve thought it would be fun to get his car fixed up real nice and maybe even race it one of these days. He could smoke people in the smaller races, but he didn't stand a chance in the big ones. They were pretty tough, and he never had the right car he could enter. Standing back and looking it over he made dozens of mental notes, all of the little things he needed to do to get his hunk-of-junk into racing condition.

He sighed. It was going to take a lot of work.

"What's that big ol' sigh for?"

Evie was standing in the driveway. She smiled at him and came closer. His car might need a lot of work, but he sure did have a good looking girl to go with it.

"Nothing. Just thinking about how much work this thing needs," he said. She came right up next to him, and he put his arm around her waist.

"Hmm, yeah, I'd start with a new paint job," she suggested with a sarcastic smile.

It was true, though. The stupid car needed a new coat of paint pretty badly.

Evie walked toward the car and propped herself up on the hood. She patted beside her and Steve sat down, resting one foot on the fender. She put her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.

"You don't need a fancy car."

"Need? No. Want? Definitely."

She slipped her arms away and shook her head. "Such a motorhead."

"I can't help it," he said. He touched her ruby lips and rubbed his fingers together. "At least I don't wear that stuff all over my face."

He waited until she got her feathers all ruffled before he grinned and kissed her. As far as he was concerned, she was perfect.

XXX

Work at the DX was getting to be a mundane task after his afternoons working at the garage. He just didn't dig selling candy bars and sodas and pumping gas for jerks in their nice cars. All he wanted to do was work on cars, not be some guy that tallies up the bills. He was grateful for the things Ralph did let him do, but he was more than ready to move on.

After he rung up a customer for five gallons of gas and a Hershey bar, he sat back down in his seat and flipped through a car magazine, daydreaming about his perfect car. Soda sat down beside him and shuffled a deck of cards.

"I can't believe the Dingo burned down. You know that Pony and I went over to Jay's last night and it was so busy you couldn't even find a parking spot? It was a weeknight!"

The Dingo burning down had put a lot of people in sour moods. It wasn't the best place to hang out, but a lot of people went there. It was a bit like losing apart of their collective history. Steve was as mad as anyone.

"What do you think happened?"

Steve shrugged. "Paper just said it was a fire."

"Yeah, but what started it? It burned down overnight."

The bell over the door chimed and they both looked up. Ponyboy walked in.

"Hey guys," he said. "Mind if I swipe a Pepsi?"

"Go ahead," Soda said.

Pony went to the cooler and came back with a bottle. He leaned into the counter and drank.

"What's up?" Steve asked. The kid obviously wanted to spill his guts about something.

Pony just shook his head, though.

Steve could see Soda eyeing, him and Pony deflated a little. He straightened up and focused on the bottle, wiping condensation from the glass.

"Out with it."

"There's this girl, and I was wondering if you guys would give me advice on asking her out."

Boy, did his ears turn red. Steve smiled a little and Soda leaned forward.

"If I don't ask her out soon, Ellie's gonna kill me and she'll probably do something dumb and talk to her for me," he said.

"That ain't dumb," Steve said. "Sometimes that's the best weapon."

"Who is it?" Soda asked.

Pony shrugged again. "You don't know her."

"Just ask her out," Soda said. "What do you have to be nervous about?"

"You want me to just go up and ask her out? Just like that?"

"It ain't rocket science, Pone. If she says 'yes,' it's a good thing, if she says 'no,' leave it alone for awhile. No big deal," Steve explained, putting down his magazine.

"Just talk to her. Strike up a conversation or something and ask her go to Jay's or bowling with you. She'll go," Soda said.

Steve wanted to tell him to not talk about clouds and movies nonstop, but he kept his mouth shut. Maybe the girl he liked was into that kind of stuff.

"Yeah, I'll try," he said, taking another drink. "Guess I got nothing to lose but my pride."

"That ain't nothing," Soda said, patting him on the back. "Just do it."

"I will," he said. "Oh, hey, did you guys hear about Tim?"

XXX

Ellie and Wade were hanging out in front of the Tastee Freeze when Two-Bit came sauntering up. He had a look on his face that told her he had some big news, and he was busting at the seams to spill the beans to anyone that would listen.

Sure enough, the first words out of his mouth were, "Did you guys hear about Tim Shepard?"

"No," she said, not that Tim was someone she heard about every day anyway. In fact, she hadn't seen him for awhile.

"He's in the big house."

"What do you mean?" Wade asked.

Two-Bit looked at Ellie. "Is this kid for real?"

She smiled but didn't say anything.

"I mean," Two-Bit said, "he's in prison."

"Oh. Why?"

"Well, there's a lot of speculation going on about the specific reason why," he said. "I've heard lots of rumors and tall tales in my days, but it's a little harder to determine the truth to the stories flying around about Timothy."

"Why's that?" Ellie asked with a smirk on her face.

"Well, it could all be true."

"What have you heard?" She knew she shouldn't be interested in anything involving Tim, but Two-Bit had a way of piquing everyone's interest about any number of things.

"There's the rumor going around that he pissed off one of Tulsa's finest too many times, and he's locked up on bullshit charges. This is perhaps the story I believe the least."

"How come?"

He looked at Ellie seriously. "El. You know Tim maybe better than I do. By saying he's locked up on bullshit charges would be the same as saying he's innocent, and I think we all know Tim well enough to say he's never innocent of anything."

"Fair enough," she agreed. Wade fidgeted beside her.

"There's another story floating around that makes it sound like Tim thought the only way to keep his gang relevant was to get into the drug game."

"He got picked up for dealing drugs?"

"That's what they're saying. Then there's the theory that it wasn't actually him but Will Bridges dealing. Everybody knows they hate each other's guts, so this ain't all the surprising a story to hear Will tried to bring Tim down."

"Who's Will Bridges?" Wade asked.

"The leader of the Tigers," Two-Bit said.

He looked confused. "Who are the Tigers?"

"Will Bridges' gang," he replied. He ignored the next thing Wade was about to say and turned to Ellie.

"I don't know," Ellie said. She knew for a fact how much Tim hated Will. She knew the feeling was mostly mutual, but for Will, it would have been business as usual. For Tim, because of everything that happened to his buddy Monty, it would have been personal. "You know everything that's gone on between their gangs."

"What happened between their gangs?" Wade asked.

"It's pretty complicated," she said, trying not to go into much detail.

Two-Bit nodded. "You know, I haven't seen Bridges around lately. Not that we hang in the same circles or nothing, but he's been awfully quiet lately. Maybe he tried to bring Tim down and it backfired. Or maybe it was reversed. You know what my favorite theory about Tim is?"

She tried not to smile at the animated look on his face. He was having too much fun being the messenger of these theories. "No. What is it?"

"You know how the Dingo caught fire a couple weeks ago?"

"Sure. It was all over the news. They said it was a small grease fire that got out of control."

"Sure," he said. "Of course that's what they said. They'd never tell the real story."

"What's the real story?" Wade asked.

"That it was an intentional fire."

"And what? It was set by Tim?" Ellie asked. "I doubt that."

"Yeah, I did too when I first heard it," Two-Bit replied. "Then I heard the rest of the story. Tim was there with his idiot brother and a couple guys from his gang and they were having lunch. The waitress messed up his order, and you know how short Tim's fuse is. He and his buddies come back in the middle of the night and bomb the damn building."

"The Dingo was bombed?" she asked incredulously.

"Come on," Two-Bit said. "You've always been best friends with Pony. I know some of his wild imagination has rubbed off on you. I think we all know that a little ol' grease fire doesn't burn down a whole entire building."

"One that gets out of control might," she argued.

"And so would a couple homemade bombs made by the Shepard gang."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't think that's what happened."

Two-Bit leaned back and folded his arms. "I think it is."

"That sounds pretty ridiculous," Wade said, although he looked as though he almost believed it.

"I like this story the best," Two-Bit replied. "I think it's what happened."

Ellie disagreed, but she expected the story to spread like wildfire across town if Two-Bit liked it so much. She imagined the rumor getting back to Tim at some point and knew he would highly approve.

XXX

One Tuesday of no importance, Dally went through all the regular motions. He woke up. He got dressed. He went to breakfast. When he went to lunch, he sat alone like he had at breakfast, eating his food mindlessly. There was no taste to anything, not since he went in. He just went through the motions of putting the fork in the food and the food in his mouth.

As he was eating, a person dropped a tray on the table across from him and sat down. Dally didn't look up. He didn't care. Most everybody on the inside knew he wasn't a talker, and when those few did sit down at his table, they never said much.

"I cannot fucking believe this."

Half-way to his mouth, his hand froze and he looked up to find Tim Shepard.

"Shit," he said, dropping his fork into his food.

Tim looked almost exactly the same as the last time he saw him at the rumble. Same ugly mug, same hack-job scar on his face. Same fucking Shepard.

"Exactly my reaction," he said. He didn't look down at the food, just at Dally.

"Better eat it, Shepard. Ain't nothing better," Dally said. "Can't be a picky princess here."

"Good to know you can just act like we saw each other yesterday," Tim said. "It's been, what? Almost two years?"

"Trust me, it ain't be long enough. What did you do?"

"Tried to fuck over Bridges."

"Must not have tried too hard. Either that or he fucked you over first."

Tim shook his head and picked up his fork. He stabbed it into the slab of meat and just stared at it.

"How long?"

"Five to seven."

"No shit."

Tim shrugged and didn't say anything else through the rest of lunch.

For a second, Dally was actually kind of enjoying himself. He realized Tim would play by the same rules as if they were at home, including knowing when to shut the fuck up. And he probably wouldn't bring up Ellie.

He went back to eating his bland food. Shepard was already better company than Two-Bit had been.

XXX

After Pony dropped the news about Tim, all Steve wanted do was find Ellie. Pony insisted that she already knew, but he wanted to talk to her anyway.

When they got off work, Soda tried his best to tag along, but Steve didn't want him there. Soda may have been there when she took a crowbar to Tim's car, but he wasn't there the night he hurt her. This was his arena.

He knew he'd be off work before her so he waited outside the grocery store until she came out a little after 8:30.

"El."

She turned around and saw him. Steve walked toward her and they fell into step, him leading the way to his car.

"I guess you heard, huh?" Steve asked.

She nodded and said nothing. It bothered him. What he wanted was for her to be excited, to be jumping up and down that she didn't have to run into him for the next few years or so. Instead, she was stone faced and silent.

At his car, he stopped and leaned against the passenger door.

She looked straight at him. "What?"

"I don't know. Just thought you'd have a bit more reaction than this."

"I'm glad, but ... I don't know. No one seems to know what happened or anything."

"What's it matter what happened?"

She spoke thoughtfully, her eyes never quite meeting his. "I don't like to see anyone go away. Even Tim."

It was impossible for him to hide his disgust right then, and she frowned at him.

"I can't explain it to you and I don't expect you to understand any of it," she said. "I'm not going to let what he did ruin me."

"You forgive him?"

She shook her head a little. "No, but I'm not going to hate him like you think I should. I did for long enough."

Sucking in a breath, Steve refused to look at her.

"Hey," she said. "It was one awful night and I want to move on from it. I think I have moved on from it."

"So, does him not being here make that better or worse for you? 'Cause I'm confused."

"You worry about me too much, Stevie," she said, with a bit of a smile. "I'm a big girl, you know."

"I'm serious, Ellie," he said. It was no laughing matter. Maybe she was blocking it all out, but he would never get the image of her hurt and crying into his shoulder that night out of his head.

She crossed her arms and looked him straight in the eye. "I'm glad I won't have to see him around. Is that what you want to hear?"

He considered that for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah. That's exactly what I want to hear."

"Well, there you go."

"It hasn't seemed to bother you lately when he's come around."

"It's not like we're friends or anything, and we won't ever be again. It's uncomfortable when he's around, but I'm not scared of him anymore," she paused. "What else do you want from me?"

"Shit, El, I don't know."

She shrugged a little. "I don't know either."

"It's not okay. What he did," he told her.

"No it's not," she replied, her voice quiet.

They were quiet for a long time before she spoke up again.

"Are you gonna drive me home or make me walk?"

He sighed and opened his door. "Hop in."

_It gets inside and it tears you up  
>I'm not angry but I've never been above it<br>You see through me, don't you?_


	7. On to the Next One

**Disclaimer: We do not own The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, nor do we own "No Money" by Kings of Leon.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>I got no money, but I want you so<br>I got so much I cannot handle_

**Summer 1968**

Ellie didn't invite Wade to go to Steve's graduation, but she hadn't been able to keep him away from the small party they had afterward. It felt like too much too fast having him everywhere with her all the time, even if everything else was going so much slower than she was used to with boys. She was learning to accept it, though.

The party was pretty tame by their standards. Steve's dad had come around enough to have a cookout in their backyard and even acted happy and genuinely proud of his son for once. She watched his dad as he mingled with the people who were there. Hand shakes and smiles and sometimes even a proud pat on his son's back. Steve would probably never admit to it, but he looked happy about it.

Evie had shown up and stood by Steve and accepted all the same praise he was getting for graduating. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, her make up pretty demure and Ellie thought she looked incredibly nervous for some reason. And then there was Soda, who was standing with Two-Bit and looking like he was hardly talking at all. If he had stayed in school it would have been his graduation day, too. Something told her that logic wasn't lost on him by the look on his face.

"Earth to Ellie?"

Pony waved his hand in front of her face, and she looked away from Steve and Evie and raised her eyebrows.

"What?"

"I was trying to talk to you and then you went off to lala land," he said.

Wade snickered. He quickly reset the smile when she gave him a look.

"Anyway, I was trying to tell you I got the job at the movie theater. I get to change the reels."

"No kidding! Congratulations."

It was good to see Pony look so happy about something that it made her wonder about something else.

"Did you ever ask out Cathy?"

The kid's face and ears lit up bright red, and he shrugged.

"He almost did," Wade said. "But he chickened out because a whole bunch of other girls were around."

"Find her this summer and ask her out before school starts. I'm serious," she warned.

Pony stared her down for a minute and then smiled. "Fine."

XXX

By the time the last person left his backyard, he was more than ready to be alone with Evie. She was across the yard helping his dad to clean up the stray cups and plates people left around. He walked over to them to help finish up.

"Get on out of here, you two," his dad said. "You don't need to clean up."

For a minute, he stared at his dad. The man was more likely to not say anything to him for days at a time, yet he had taken the time to throw together a little party. He had even given him a little extra cash as a gift. For the first time since his mom had died, Steve liked the old man. It wouldn't last, though.

"Shoo," he said, holding a garbage bag out for Evie to empty her hands. "Go."

Steve took her hand and led her out of the yard. They needed to plan.

XXX

They had driven around, finding a quiet spot for them to sit and talk. All that seemed to be going on was thinking, though. Evie was so quiet, Steve didn't even know what to say to shake her out of it, so he just sat there in silence, too.

"You know what I was thinking?"

Steve looked down at her. Those were the first words she'd spoken since they stopped. She was lying across the bench seat of his car with her head rested on his knee, and he combed his fingers through her hair.

"What's that?"

She sat up and looked at him head-on. "I think we oughta wait to get married."

Those words were like a cold punch to the gut.

"Wait?" he asked. "All we've been talking about for six months is how we're going to get married."

"I know it."

"We were going to get hitched right after ... today."

"I know." She fidgeted a little before she reached for his hand. Her eyes never met his.

"Do you not want to anymore?"

"It's not that. It's just that I thought we'd be a little more ready for this."

He frowned at her. "How ready do we gotta be? Practically anybody can go out and get married."

"We barely have any money."

"And I'm working on that. You know how I've been at King's Auto Body working for half a day for the entire school year?"

"Sure. For the vocational program."

"I've learned all kinds of things I didn't know before. Things I didn't know I'd ever need to know. And I've gotten real good at it, too."

She smiled a little and rested her head against his shoulder. "You've always been good at everything car-related."

"I had a knack for it before," he said. "Sure. But now? Now, I'm really good. My boss says so. Everybody says so. He offered me a full-time position."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him I'd take it." He still hadn't figured out a way to break the news to Soda.

She seemed to perk up a little at that. "Really, Steve? That's great."

"Sure is. And it'll mean I'm making more than I am at the DX, plus I won't have to do the things I hate, like pumping gas for jerks from school or stocking shelves or manning the counter. I'll get to do what I've been wanting to do, and that's work on cars."

"You never told me you wanted to leave the DX."

He shrugged a little and rested his cheek against the top of her head. He hadn't told anybody he had wanted to leave that place for a while. The only thing that kept him there was Soda, and he didn't even have the guts to tell him his plans. "I guess it's always been in the back of my mind. I can't stay there, you know. There's not a future in a place like that."

"When do you start?"

"The guy at King's told me to do it right and give two weeks at the DX. I don't know, I think the guy tries to give me all this real world advice bullshit," he said with a smirk. "Plus there's this other guy going to Vietnam, and they're waiting for him to leave before they'll let me start."

There was instant fear in her eyes at the mention of Vietnam, and he took her hand. He knew he should say something about it, but he went back to the subject at hand. "So, you'll still marry me? Man with a big time job here?"

He felt her shift beside him a little. "I'm not trying to get out of getting married to you, you know. But you know what else we don't have? We won't have a place to live."

"Well, I guess that's where the money that we have saved is going to go. I've got enough from the DX and you've got some saved, too, right?"

"Sure, but it's not enough. Where would we live?"

"Anywhere that's not with my old man."

"Or anywhere with my folks."

"We could find a little place downtown. One of those apartment buildings down there."

"We'd be broke in a month."

There was something wrong with her. This wasn't his Evie.

"What are you trying to say, Eve?" He sat up a little and turned toward her. It was getting dark out, and he couldn't quite make out the expression on her face.

"What if we waited until the end of the summer to get married?"

"That's another three months."

"And we've already waited six. What's another three?"

He didn't like the thought of waiting any longer. For months, he had watched boys from all over the city get drafted and disappear. Every day, he waited for his number to be pulled and his time to be up. Every day they weren't married, he felt like he might lose his chance with Evie.

"Is that okay?" she asked.

What was he supposed to say? He had no idea why she was acting like this. He wondered if was something he had done. She just looked so worried and he wondered if she was just scared.

"Sure," he replied, keeping his worries to himself. They weren't anything he needed to put on her shoulders, and it wouldn't keep the worry at bay by talking about it. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. "The end of the summer. Promise?"

She smiled and kissed him. "Promise."

XXX

Steve's news pretty much floored him. The fact he wanted to leave the DX and him in the dust triggered awful feelings and awful thoughts toward his buddy. Steve could hardly look him in the eye when he told him.

"That's it? You're just going?"

Steve nodded. "Two weeks."

"Two weeks? You've probably known a whole hell of a lot longer than that," Soda said, his voice louder than he intended.

"I really just found out they'd hire me."

"Sure."

"Are you seriously this mad at me? It's a great opportunity. I thought you'd at least be happy for me."

There were a hundred things Soda wanted to say to him right then, but the only thing that came out was an exasperated sigh.

"You want me to stay here for the rest of my life?"

Maybe it was the way he said it in that angry way only Steve could manage, but Soda was more hurt by it than he would ever admit. He looked at his buddy and saw the frustration and how uncomfortable he was.

"Guess it's good enough for me then."

"Shit, Soda. That's not what I meant."

It was, though. He may not have known that was what he meant, but the thought was still there. Steve was always the one who would move on to bigger and better things. Soda was always going to be left behind.

He got up and headed for the door.

"Where you going?"

Soda stopped at the door, without looking at Steve. "You can handle it for a bit by yourself."

XXX

Soda knew he shouldn't have just cut out on work the way he did. Ralph would be mad, and he didn't need to be losing out on hours like that, but he couldn't think while he was there. Instead he dug around his bedroom until he found one of Pony's stray cigarettes and sat on the porch smoking.

He was lost in thought when Pony got home. Soda didn't notice him until he was right there in front of him.

"Everything okay?" Pony asked.

Soda shrugged.

"What's up?" he asked, sitting down beside him.

"A lot on my mind, I guess."

"Anything you wanna talk about?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay," he said, although he kept sitting there.

Finally, Soda glanced over at him. "How would you like working at the DX this summer?"

"The DX? Who quit?"

"Steve."

Pony looked surprised. "Really? Where's he going to be working?"

"That body shop off Hayden Avenue. He's got some big shot job, I guess. How about taking his spot?"

"I don't know. I just got that job down at the movie house."

"Yeah, but it could be a lot of fun. We'd hang out all summer. Plus, there's a lot of girls that always stop by," he said with a nudge. "Maybe that girl you like would be one of them."

Pony smiled, but he didn't look convinced. "I don't know, Soda. Cars and stuff is your thing. Movies are more my speed. I can still come by and keep you company when I'm not working."

Soda tried to keep his disappointment to himself and gave his brother a smile. "Sure."

Pony gave him a punch to the arm before he got up and walked inside. Soda stubbed out his cigarette and kept on thinking. He shouldn't have been surprised that Pony wasn't interested in working at the DX, but it sure would have been fun to hang out with him all summer.

Deep down, though, Soda couldn't shake the hurt of everyone blowing off the job. Sure, it wasn't the greatest job there was, and nobody was going to become a millionaire working there, but he really enjoyed it. Not every day was the same, and except for some lulls in the day, there were usually a lot of different people to talk to. He thought it was usually a lot of fun, and he didn't get why no one else felt the same.

All he could chalk it up to was that he must have seriously different goals in life that everyone else. Steve had graduated from high school and now he was moving on to bigger and better things. It seemed that even his little brother was well on his way to the same thing. Soon, he'd be a high school graduate, heading off to some college somewhere, and all Soda would ever be was the high school dropout working at some gas station. There was nothing for him.

Whether he liked it the job or not didn't matter. It all just sounded so pathetic.

_I'm a waste of time  
>And all in all, a waste of a living<em>


	8. Everything I Miss

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_ and Lifehouse owns "Smoke and Mirrors."  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>I remember thinking<br>We could make it out somehow  
>If somehow we ever took a chance<em>

The pretty girl with the dark hair had looked at him twice, he was sure of it. He looked back down at the book he was holding, not seeing a word on the cover, hoping to look like he wasn't staring. Slowly, he looked up again and caught her looking at him. This time she looked away as quickly as he did before.

Cathy Carlson was a pretty girl and one who seemed to be looking right at him.

For once she was by herself, and he was working up the nerve to talk to her. Soda and Steve said to just go for it. That she would like him, and if she didn't, he could always try again later. The thought made his hands go clammy and rocks to form in his stomach. He never told Soda that this wasn't the first time he'd be asking her out. She'd already turned him down for someone else, but he still liked her and now he thought maybe she liked him back.

Working up a little nerve, he put the book back on the shelf and smoothed his hair and checked his breath. Reminding himself to breathe, he headed toward her table and stood opposite her.

"Hi," he said. His voice sounded too loud for the quiet library.

Cathy looked at him and smiled. "Hi, Ponyboy."

"Hi, I was, uh - How's your summer?"

She crossed her arms on the table and leaned into them a little. With a bored shrug, she said, "It's been okay. Nothing too exciting so far."

He relaxed a little. He could compete with nothing exciting.

"Mind if I sit down?"

She shook her head and he pulled out a chair and sat down on the edge of the seat. Underneath the table, his feet tapped in anticipation.

"How's your summer?"

The question threw him off but helped him to relax a little more. He hadn't prepared an answer, so he just said, "It's good."

"That's good."

"I'm going to the fair this weekend," he said, finding his courage. "Have you been yet?"

"Not yet."

It was time to go in for it. "Would you wanna go this weekend? There's a bunch of us going, it'll be a lot of fun."

Her lips pressed together and she looked like she was thinking real hard about it. "Sure, I'd love to."

Pony was absolutely stunned. He sat there staring at her wide eyed for a second or two before he remembered to snap out of it. He was trying hard to not smile like a buffoon, but his cheeks were working against him.

"Do you know Ellie O'Hare or Wade Wilson?"

"Not well or anything. I know who they are."

"I'm riding there with them, so we'll pick you up around noon on Saturday?"

She smiled, and maybe it was because he was floating, but he swore her dark eyes were twinkling.

"That sounds great, Pony. I can't wait."

Before he could ruin everything, he pushed his chair out and stood up in a hurry.

"Hey, Pony," she called after him in a loud whisper. He looked back at her, and she waved him back with a giggle. "You need my address."

Lordy, he felt his face heat up. She jotted down her address and phone number on a scrap piece of paper and handed it to him.

"See you Saturday."

XXX

Darry had picked Soda up from the DX on their lunch breaks, but he wouldn't tell him where they were going. He was beyond confused when they pulled up to the jewelry store.

"What're we doing?"

Darry just nudged him along.

He gave the old man behind the counter his name, and they waited until he brought back a ring box. Darry handed Soda the box and waited as the man rang up the cost.

Soda opened the box and nudged him. "Darry, this is nice and all, but you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble for me."

He smirked. "Keep dreaming, little buddy. If I wanted to get you ring, I'd just get one out of a Cracker Jack box. No offense or anything."

Soda smiled and looked closely at the ring. It was familiar, but he hadn't seen it in years. "Hey, Dar," he said as they walked outside, "is this Ma's wedding ring?"

He smiled. "Sure is."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"I'm going to ask Allison to marry me."

Soda knew he shouldn't have, but he felt a little blindsided by that announcement and the ease of which Darry told him. In a way, he felt a little put off.

"Wow," was about all he could mutter as he took the ring out of the box and stared at it. He was happy for Darry, but he also felt a little sad about it all, too.

Darry was quiet as they got back in the truck and headed for the Ribbon to get some lunch.

When the truck finally stopped, Soda noticed Darry turn in his seat a little to look at him.

"I'm sorry, Soda."

"For what?"

Darry was looking hard at the ring. "I should have asked you and Pony if it was okay if I give Mom's ring to Allison. It's as much both of yours as it is mine."

"No way, Darry. You should give this to her. And Pony would tell you the same thing." It wasn't like Sandy was there for him to give it to.

"I don't know."

"Don't tell me you're having second thoughts about this," Soda said with a smile.

"No, not at all. I've been planning this for a while. I even sort of already asked her, but I had to have the band resized and everything, so I want to ask her again. I just don't know about the ring anymore."

In a more perfect world he would have had to buy his own ring for Allison, but in their world it was all handled. He thought about the diamond and how it used to poke him when Mom would squeeze him too hard. Allison had Lizzie to poke with it with too tight hugs. Mom would love that.

"You're the oldest. You're the one with Allison. It's only right that you ask her with this ring."

"Thanks, kid," he said, staring at him a little too hard for a minute. Soda plastered a smile on his face. "Now, how do I ask her?"

Soda shrugged. "You got me. How'd you ask her the first time?"

"Not very well," he said with a laugh. "I want to surprise her, though. I have a feeling she's expecting me to propose some night it's just the two of us having dinner or something."

"So you gotta do something big. You should ask her in front of a bunch of people. She wouldn't expect that."

"Because I would never do that."

"Exactly."

"No, I mean, I don't think I could do that."

Soda couldn't help but laugh at his big brother. "Why not? You already asked her, and she obviously said yes, otherwise you wouldn't have had the ring resized. It's not like she's going to say no."

Darry shrugged, but he didn't seem convinced.

"We're all going to the fair this weekend, right? Ask her there."

"This weekend? No. No way. At the fair? That's a weird place to ask her to spend the rest of her life with me."

"Then you gotta do something bigger," Soda said matter-of-factly. He thought about it for a second before he got a great idea. "Fourth of July."

"What about it?"

"We all always go see the fireworks downtown. You ask her then. That would definitely surprise her."

"That would be pretty hard to top," he agreed.

"So you're going to do it?"

Darry nodded. "I'll think about it."

"You can't back out now that you've got the ring and the plan. I'll hold you to it."

He chuckled. "I'm sure you will."

XXX

Soda picked up Two-Bit from the department store and the two of them headed to the fairgrounds to meet up with everyone else. He was in a weird mood, and he knew it. He had been ever since he had gone with Darry to pick up that ring. He was genuinely happy for his brother and wallowing in self-pity himself. It was great to see Darry so content with his life, but Soda felt a pang of jealousy that he couldn't share in the happiness everyone else in the world seemed to be feeling.

"What's eating you today, Sodapop?" Two-Bit finally asked.

"Nothing."

"Sure don't seem like nothing."

"It's nothing."

"Mad you had to work today while everybody else has been having fun at the fair? Because _I_ worked, too."

He knew Two-Bit was joking around, but Soda shot him a look. "Mad that I'm the one that has to put up with driving you there today."

"It's worse than that. You're gonna be stuck with me all night."

"Why's that?"

"Everybody else has got a date except you and me."

"Not everybody has a date. Pony doesn't."

"Oh no?" Two-Bit wiggled his eyebrows. "Guess again."

"What? Who's he going out with?" And why was he the last to know about it?

"I don't know. Some little chick from his school. She looked kind of snooty if you ask me, but we'll see."

"That must be the girl he was thinking about asking out a while ago," Soda said, wondering why he hadn't mentioned anything about actually asking her out.

"Well, like I said, you gotta put up with me all night 'cause it looks like you're my date."

"Not on your life, buddy."

XXX

The fair was Ellie's favorite summer place. Even though the whole gang only ever went once every summer, she lived for it. Maybe it was because everyone was together, or because it was an excuse to just have fun all day long. Either way, very few things would ever spoil her trip the fair.

Wade had driven them there, with Pony and Cathy Carlson in the backseat, and Darry, Allison and Lizzie in her car in front of them. Ellie was so shocked that he had finally asked Cathy out - and to the fair, no less, where everyone would be watching them – that it took her half to the day to realize how badly she wanted away from the girl. She seemed nice enough and Pony seemed to really like her, but Ellie just didn't see herself being girlfriends with Cathy. Although, that wasn't much of a surprise when she didn't have very many girlfriends to speak of.

There was no tactful way to suggest they split up for awhile, so Ellie waited. She didn't have to wait too long after they looked in on all the livestock and watched a horse show for Wade and Pony.

They all four stopped on the midway and looked at a twisty roller coaster that made her nauseous to look at.

"What do you say?" Cathy asked. "Looks like fun, huh?"

Pony took her hand and led her toward it, and Wade tried to do the same with her. She planted her feet to the dusty ground.

"Not a chance," she told him.

He gave her a look and half smiled. "You're afraid of something like that?"

She yanked her hand out of his and crossed her arms over her chest, ready to tell him just what he should be afraid of, but Pony shouted back at them, "She's a chicken, Wade! You have to make her get on it!"

Wade looked at her with a broad grin and took small steps toward her, hands out.

"Don't you dare," she said, backing up a little.

But instead of grabbing her by the waist and forcing her on the ride like Dally would have done, he nodded to something behind her. She looked back to see that on the other side of the midway was the scrambler.

"Do you like that one?"

She nodded with a smile. "That one I can handle."

"Want to?"

"Okay," she said. He grabbed her arm and pulled her at breakneck speed toward the ride. "You're going to break my arm!"

He stopped and let go, looking at her apologetically. "Sorry," he said, tipping his hat back a little.

Fighting back a little smile, she walked by him and up to the front of the line. The operator let her on and Wade dashed by her and ran to one of the empty cars.

"How's this one?"

"Fine with me," she said, climbing in and sitting beside him.

Ellie was careful to keep a safe distance away from him, but once the ride started, other forces took over and she couldn't hold on to that space any longer. He threw his arms into the air, his cowboy hat somehow firmly attached to his head, and she let herself lean against him without restraint. They laughed as the ride spun them around, forcing her firmly against his side.

As it started to slow down, Wade's arms came down, one wrapping around her shoulder as he pulled her closer to him. Once it stopped he let go and, not waiting for the attendant, unlocked their car and hopped out, reaching for her as she jumped to the ground. Like a stupid movie, she was dizzy from the ride, tripped coming down from the step and fell right against him. He steadied her easily and they walked to the exit with her tucked against his side.

They walked back across the midway and found a bench while they waited on Cathy and Pony, who had been stuck in a far longer line than they had been. They sat down and he faced her with a smile.

"Your hair's a little messed up," he said, as he brushed strands from across her face. He tucked them back behind her ear. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed her softly, and then with a lot more urgency than he had ever dared to. She felt herself falling into it so easily that she nearly whimpered when he pulled away.

He ran his thumb against her bottom lip and looked into her eyes. Those blues weren't the ones she'd been dreaming of, but as he leaned in for another kiss, Ellie felt herself let go a little more and kiss him back.

XXX

The whole gang waited in line for the Ferris wheel at the end of the night, and Two-Bit grinned when it came down to him and Soda sharing one of the cars.

"Come on," he said. "You're my date, remember?"

"Date, huh?" Steve asked with a laugh. He was waiting with Evie for their own car and gave Soda a shove toward the one Two-Bit was already sitting in. "Better not stand him up."

Soda shot him a look but climbed into the car. "Keep your hands to yourself."

Two-Bit held his arms up. "No problem."

"I mean it," he warned. "I'll toss you right off this ride if you get fresh with me."

"You're such a tease, Soda."

He grinned. "That's what they all say."

Two-Bit was happy to find him in a better mood than he had been earlier in the day. The two of them joked around, swinging the cart as much as they could until they got to the top of the ride and had started back down. Ellie and Wade were in the cart ahead of them, and Two-Bit was surprised to see Wade had enough guts to have his arm around her. It was pretty tame, considering all the things he had ever done with Kathy on the Ferris wheel, but it seemed pretty bold for the cowboy from Texas.

He nudged Soda and pointed down at the two of them. "How about that, huh?"

Soda watched them for a minute and shrugged a little.

"She seems happy for once, don't you think?" Two-Bit asked.

"Yeah, I guess, but I don't know if she really likes him all that well."

"I don't know, I think she likes him quite a bit."

"Yeah, but …" He was quiet for a long time but finally finished his thought. "Not as much as she ever liked Dally."

Two-Bit considered that. "No, I guess she ain't as head over heels as she was for Dal, but she still seems happy."

"It just seems kind of fast for her to be moving on."

"Soda, it's been almost two years since he went away. How long do you want her to wait?"

He shrugged, and Two-Bit couldn't figure out what he was getting at.

"I think it's pretty funny seeing her with such a goody goody like Wade. She doesn't know what to do with a boy like that," he went on. "It's a lot different than seeing her with Dally or Tim."

Soda snorted a little. "Yeah, it's a lot different than Tim."

Two-Bit glanced at him. "You okay, man? You seem a little off lately."

"Just a lot on my mind."

When he didn't say anything else, he shut up and left Soda to his thoughts for the rest of the ride.

XXX

An idea had been gnawing at him for weeks, but if he really got to think about it, it was something Soda had wanted to do for over a year. He needed to see Sandy.

For a long time after she left, he didn't know what to expect other than the fact that she would be back again. They could pick up where they left off, get a house and raise their child. The only problem was that she never came back.

A bus left Tulsa for Tallahassee, Florida at seven Wednesday evening, and one was scheduled to return late Saturday night. It was perfect. Work wasn't a problem because he wasn't scheduled Wednesday or Thursday, and he figured he would just call off for the weekend. It wasn't all that big of a deal. It was just a few days, and without Steve around, Ralph wasn't likely to fire the only other person other person who knew the ropes. It would mean, though, that if Darry actually proposed to Allison during the fireworks, he would miss it. He hoped that maybe he could come home with his own family, and it would make it worth it.

When he got off work Monday night, he drove over to the grocery store and waited for Ellie to get off work. He needed to tell someone. Mostly, though, he needed someone who wouldn't tell him to forget it all.

A little after eight, he saw her walk outside and start toward the bus stop. He called her name through the rolled down window, and she looked up and smiled.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, standing by the door.

"Can you go for a ride? I need to ask you something."

She shrugged and walked around and got in.

"Hungry?"

"Sure am," she said.

He drove them over to Jay's and ordered their food. It was a nice warm night, the breeze comfortable through the open windows.

"What's up?" she asked, kicking off her shoes.

"I'm going to Florida."

It seemed to catch her off-guard and she turned and looked at him, her eyes wide. "What?"

"Wednesday."

"_This_ Wednesday?"

"Yeah. There's a bus that leaves Wednesday evening and I'll be back Saturday."

"Soda … why?"

It stung him more than he thought it should that she didn't immediately know, especially after all they had gone through. If anyone was supposed to understand how he felt about Sandy, it was her. After all, she had felt the same way about Dally.

"Because of Sandy."

"You want to see her that bad?"

It was more than that, but he nodded because it was the easiest answer. A car hop skated over and set their tray on the rolled down window. It went untouched even as she skated away.

"Look, I need to see her. It's been over a year and I haven't heard from her." He passed the food to Ellie because the smell of the burgers and fries was making him sick.

"But if you haven't heard from her … You're just going to go?"

"Yeah, I was planning on it."

The one reason he came to her was because he thought she would encourage him to go, but he was starting to feel dumb. Looking at her, he could see her trying to work it all out in her head and he noticed something else about her, too, that he hadn't been able to pinpoint until just now. She was happy. She was with Wade now, a boy that was not only a nice kid but one who was there and not in some prison somewhere. He could tell, though, that she hadn't moved on completely, but she was working on it.

"Listen," he said, "it's stupid. I know."

"Hold on a minute," she said as she tucked her leg under her and turned to face him head on. "I didn't mean it like that, I just wondered if you even know if she's still there. She went to live with her grandma, right?"

Soda nodded and drummed his fingers nervously on the steering wheel. "Yeah, and she hasn't come back."

"You still really love her, don't you?"

She was looking at him, a sympathetic look in her eyes, and he knew she was the right one to tell.

"I never stopped," he said.

"What about … what about the baby? Did she keep it?"

He had no idea if she kept the baby or not, although deep down he really hoped so. It was his baby, he was more sure of that than he was of almost anything, and he didn't want his child growing up with strangers.

"I don't know if she did or didn't," he admitted. "I want to find out."

"Soda, what if …"

He finished her thought. "What if it's mine?"

She nodded. "What would you do?"

"I'd raise it."

She didn't say anything, and he knew she had to be thinking that he was stupid. No one seemed to believe him that the kid could be his.

"Look, if it's mine, it's the right thing to do. I want to do right by both of them. I need to know and I need to see her. I have to see her."

Ellie didn't say anything for a long time and out of the corner of his eye, he watched her play with the ends of her long hair, and then lay a hand flat on her chest and pull her fingers into a small fist. Finally, she sighed. "Do you need any money?"

He smiled. "I already have my tickets."

"Do you have enough to spend, though?"

He frowned and felt dumb for not thinking about that.

"I got paid last Friday," she said. "I'll get you some money."

"You don't have to help me. I can manage with what I have."

"You need money if you're going to take her out or something once you get there, not to mention it's gotta be a long drive there and back and you'll have to eat sometime."

"Thanks," he said, giving her a smile. He looked at their food on the dashboard and realized it was getting cold. "One more thing."

"Sure, anything," she said, unwrapping a burger carefully.

"Don't say anything to anyone."

Her fingers stopped with the paper, and she looked at him again with a surprised look. "What?"

"I'll leave Darry a note, but I don't want anyone to know where I'm going," he said. "No one else gets it."

She set the burger on the dash beside her fries. "Soda, they'll understand that you want to see her. I know they will."

She obviously hadn't been around every time he brought up Sandy around Steve or felt the way he did watching Darry with Allison. No one took him seriously about his feelings for her.

"Just please don't," he said. "I don't want Darry breathing down my neck or Steve telling me to let it go already. Not that we're really talking or anything right now."

It was hard to ask her to hide it from Darry, but it was only for a couple of days. He would be okay with it as long as he left a note, and Steve would get over it.

"Is that because of his new job?"

"Something like that," he told her.

"But why tell me?"

"I don't know. I just figured that the way you felt about Dallas would put you in the same boat as me," he said, looking straight at her. She looked away.

It took her a long time, but she nodded her agreement. "Okay, but promise me you hurry back."

"I promise," he said. "Just until Saturday."

_We were living smoke and mirrors anyway  
>Gonna drive all night 'til we disappear<br>Chasing down the miles so far from here_


	9. What You're Waiting For

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_, and Vertical Horizon owns "Everything You Want."**

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere there's speaking, it's already coming in<em>_  
>Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind<em>

**July 3, 1968**

On Wednesday evening, Ellie postponed her date with Wade and drove to the high school parking lot to wait on Soda. The plan was for her to pick him up and drive him to the bus depot. Sitting alone in the car, she worried about helping him to see Sandy, mostly because of the sneaking around. She'd done that before when Pony and Johnny were gone, and she didn't even know anything then.

She was too far into it, though, to just back out now. She promised she'd help him.

She saw him running across the parking lot with a small duffel in his hands. He got in and flashed her a smile as he set the bag on the floor.

"Thanks," he said.

"Don't mention it," Ellie said as she started up the car.

They drove mostly in silence, but Ellie had a lot to say to him. She let it wait until they were at the depot.

"You left the letter, right? Darry will know where you are?"

There was a slight hesitation from him, but he nodded. "He'll find it later."

"You promise?"

"Scout's honor."

"You were never a scout," she said, worried.

He gave her another smile. "It'll be fine. I promise."

"You do realize that you're asking me to do the same thing you were mad at me for doing when Pony and Johnny were gone? Except this time I'm actually guilty about knowing something."

For a minute, he didn't look at her, but when he did, he had the saddest look in his eyes. She immediately felt bad for saying anything.

"I'm sorry about that," he started. "But it's a little different, right?"

"Yeah, until everyone starts grilling me about where you are."

"They won't. Don't let on that you know."

He unzipped the bag at his feet and pulled out two pieces of paper. "I get on the return bus Saturday morning. I'll be back by late evening."

Ellie reached into her purse and handed him a few bills. She didn't have a whole lot to spare, but she didn't want him to go without a little bit of money.

"I really hate taking your money," he said. "I can make do with what I have."

"Just take it, please," she said, thrusting the cash into his hand. "I'll feel better knowing you have it."

He half-smiled and took the money from her. "I'll pay you back."

"It's okay."

Soda nodded and put the papers and money back into his bag and zipped it. He looked out at the waiting buses and sighed.

"Do you know what you're going to say to her when you get there?"

"No. I hope she'll at least see me. I'd hate to waste this trip by having her just turn me away."

She felt his pain, but she doubted Sandy would be able to ignore him in person, and that was probably his reasoning for going. Letters were easier to ignore than people showing up on a doorstep.

"She will."

He leaned over and gave her a hug and told her thanks one more time as he got out of the car.

"Call me if you need anything and be careful," she said. "Darry would kill me if anything happened to you."

"No he wouldn't, but I will just the same."

"See you Saturday."

He winked at her and closed the car door. She watched him across the parking lot until he climbed on one of the buses. Deep in her gut, she knew it was a bad idea to just send him off without word to Sandy, but it wasn't her place to stop him either.

XXX

Wade picked her up barely fifteen minutes after she got home. She wished she had enough time to cancel. Suddenly she wasn't in the mood to be around him. She rushed to finish getting ready as he stood nervously in the hallway outside the bathroom waiting on her.

"Did you get off of work late or something?"

"Uh, no, but I had to take care of some things for mom," she said, smoothing her hair and switching off the bathroom light. "Sorry. We can go now."

"Where are we going?"

Ellie shrugged and walked with him outside. He opened her car door for her and came around and got in himself.

"I told Pony and Two-Bit we might meet up with them at the bowling alley."

There was no way she would be able to hang out anywhere near Pony or Two-Bit without acting weird. The guilt would eat her alive. She knew Pony would see right through her, and she decided it was best to just steer clear of them.

"We go bowling all the time. Let's do something else," she said.

"Like what?"

One of her best friends was on a bus all the way to Florida, on his way toward love or serious heartbreak and looking at Wade, she found herself wishing he was someone else. Leaning over, she pressed her hands against his face and gave him a long and lingering kiss. When she pulled back, she smiled at his flushed cheeks.

"Somewhere alone," she said.

He tripped over his words and struggled to get the car to start.

"You're cute when you're nervous," she said.

In her mind she wanted to go that far with him, but she also knew he wouldn't let it go as far as that. He was too good and too innocent. And maybe he knew better than she did anyway.

Twenty minutes later, Wade stopped the car in a park closer to his side of town and put his hands on his lap. Ellie adjusted the radio and scooted closer to him, picking up one hand and holding it in both of hers. She stared at his hand as it intertwined with hers. Thinking about Soda going to see Sandy had her thinking all about Dally again. It hurt to think about him and the fact that she hadn't seen him or even heard his voice in almost two years. She still missed him.

After a while, he pulled his hand free and wrapped it around her shoulders. He kissed the top of her head and Ellie turned her face up to his, kissing his lips. He wrapped his arms around her as they kissed. She felt his hands begin to roam, find a spot they liked and then quickly pull away. He broke the kiss, his breaths coming in short and ragged gasps.

"Sorry."

"What for?" she asked, backing away a little.

"For, uh …"

"You're the one that stopped yourself. I wasn't protesting."

Wade stumbled for words, and she stared at him in disbelief. Leaning forward, she knocked the stupid cowboy hat off of his head so it landed in the backseat. She kissed him, willing him to just touch her, to want her. She wanted him to prove to her that she didn't need Dally around, that there was someone else. But the heavier she tried to go with him, the more resistance he put up.

He was trying to push her away, his hands holding her wrists gently. Ellie was having none of it and she twisted out of his light grip. She tried to pull him into her, but he stayed seated.

"It's okay," she said in his ear.

His hands were chastely on her arms, and she moved them down to her hips, hoping from there he'd get the clue. With Wade, things were never that simple. Instead he pushed her away a little.

"What are you doing?"

"What are you?" he asked.

"Are you some kind of stupid?"

The hurt in his eyes barely fazed her. She was hurt, too.

"No, no," he said quietly. She caught the glance he stole at her legs where her skirt was ridden up. "I just ... shoot."

Turning away from him, she sat straighter in the passenger seat. She fixed her skirt and wished her heart would stop beating so loudly in her ears. Boys were supposed to want that sort of things. Dally always had. Tim never turned her away, not really anyway. Getting up girls' skirts was all the boys talked about.

"Ellie, I want to. I just don't think we should yet …" He trailed off when she didn't look at him. Instead, she sat there and stared out the window, chewing on a fingernail. She was the one who was stupid, she knew that much. She also knew that somewhere in her mind, she was coming up with twisted reasoning. She knew sleeping with Wade would only cause problems with him, but it would help her forget Dally.

"Are you okay?"

Wade was a stranger, and she was a stranger to him. There was so much concern and fear in his eyes, and she knew it was because of what she just did. It was the most of her he had ever glimpsed. He was starting to get to know the real her, and she could tell that he didn't like it.

"Just take me home," she said, quietly.

With Dally, there would have been an argument or a fight, but Wade just nodded and started up the car. He didn't say anything all the way back to her neighborhood and only when she started to get out of the car did he stop her.

"It's not you," he said. "I've told you I really like you. I just don't want you to think we have to do that to be together. Not right now."

"You're the only one that seems to think that."

Just before she could shut the door, he said, "Why does anyone else matter? It's just you and me."

There was nothing she could say to that, so she shut the door and walked quickly inside. Once she heard his car leave, she let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. Cradling her aching head in her hand, she wished she could get Dally off her mind as much as she wished he was right there with her.

XXX

In a hurry, like always, Darry grabbed up the things he needed for his night watchman job down at the loading docks. He usually didn't work his late-night job during the week, but with the Fourth the next day, he had his main job off and he didn't want to lose out on the hours. Picking up his lunch pail last, he stood in the living room and checked everything off the list in his mind. Pony was laying on the couch, staring at the TV.

"What are you doing tonight?" Darry asked.

"I'm going out with Cathy in a little while."

"All right. Keep out of trouble and don't get home too late. You don't need to sleep away half the day tomorrow."

"Why not? You will," Pony said with a grin.

"I swear that Two-Bit rubs off on you more and more. Be good," Darry warned as he headed out the door.

XXX

One in the morning qualified as lunch with the shift he worked, so Darry waved off the older man keeping watch with him, picked up his lunch and walked to his usual quiet area. It was nothing but a discarded desk and an old folding chair tucked into a corner where someone might get some use out of it. Darry found that it suited him well for lunch.

Popping open the pail, he pulled out the contents and ate his left over chicken sandwich in three bites. He licked mayonnaise off of his fingers and reached in for the second sandwich when his fingers brushed something else. Staring down into the metal box, he saw a white envelope with his name on it.

It intrigued him that someone slipped a note into his lunch, but even more so when he recognized that it was Soda's handwriting.

"Here we go," he muttered, tearing it open. He pulled out a sheet of notebook paper and unfolded it. The message was brief, barely a few lines of Soda's messy handwriting, but Darry found himself reading it over and over again, just trying to understand exactly what it was he was reading.

_Darry,  
>I had to go some where this weekend but I'll be back Saturday. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine and I'll see you in a couple of days. And I mean it when I tell you to not worry. It's nothing bad, I swear.<br>Sodapop Curtis  
><em>  
>Darry read the note over a third time and crushed it in his fist. At first, he didn't know what to think. Soda wouldn't just up and disappear without saying anything. In fact, Darry didn't really think it was at all possible for Soda to keep any type of secret no matter how important.<p>

Smoothing out the letter, he read it over again as if it would be different or if it would say where he was between the lines. The part that worried him the most was where it told him not to worry. Telling him not to worry made him think there was definitely something to worry over.

Darry finished eating in a daze. Terrible feelings swirled around him as he remembered Pony disappearing. It was the worst feeling not knowing where the kid was, but this was somehow different. There wasn't a dead kid involved and even though Darry had no idea where Soda was, he gave him a small heads up. It worried him most, though, that he couldn't tell him to his face.

A few minutes before he was due back to work, he stopped by the foreman's office to use the phone. First he called home and waited until Pony groggily answered the phone.

"Yeah?"

"You always answer the phone like that?"

"Darry? It's the middle of the night. What's wrong?"

"Sorry, kiddo. I just wanted to let you know Soda won't be home tonight. Didn't want you to worry."

Judging by the hesitation, he could tell Pony hadn't even realized Soda wasn't there.

"Where is he?"

Darry sighed. "I have no idea. He left a note for me saying he'd be back on Saturday."

"And that's okay? Where would he go?"

"I don't know. This ain't like him, but I don't know what else to do about it right now. I'll chew him out when he gets back, don't worry about that."

"Okay."

"He didn't say anything to you about going anywhere, did he?"

"No, he never said anything. He's been kinda weird lately, though."

"Yeah?" Darry couldn't pinpoint what Pony was talking about. Soda had seemed okay to him. "We'll talk about it in the morning. Go back to bed. 'Night, kid."

"'Night."

Darry hung up the phone and picked it back up. He considered the possibility of Steve's dad answering the phone first but decided it was a chance he was willing to take.

"Hello?"

"Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"It's Darry. Sorry, I know it's late."

As far as Darry knew, Steve and Soda shared everything. They were best buddies even if they didn't hang out all the time like they used to.

"Look, I know he probably swore you to secrecy or something, but can you just fill me in on where he went?"

There was a long silence on the other end, and Darry could almost hear him thinking up the lie.

"What are you talking about?" Steve asked.

"Soda."

"What about him?"

"That's what I'm asking you," he said. "Don't tell me you don't know where he went, because I know you do."

"Darry, I don't know shit. I haven't seen him since yesterday." It was Darry's turn to be quiet as he turned that over in his head. "He's gone?"

"Yeah. He left me a note that he would be back in a couple days. He didn't say where he went or why."

"You're shitting me. I can't believe he'd do that."

Darry felt his gut tighten a little. It was strange to him that Steve didn't know anything at all. It sounded like he didn't even suspect anything like this.

"If you hear from him, let me know. And if you talk to anyone who knows."

"Yeah, man. I'll let you know."

"Thanks.

Darry hung up and told himself that it was okay. Soda wasn't on the run from the cops, no one was dead, and he would be back in his bed by the end of the weekend. It was fine.

XXX

"I don't know what would make him do something like this," Pony said to Wade, as he smoked what had to be his tenth cigarette that morning.

"Any idea where he could have gone?"

"None. I don't think there's anywhere he could go where he'd know somebody. It can't be good, whatever it is."

"If he thought far enough ahead to leave a note for Darry, he must have thought this through, right? He's gotta have some sort of plan if he knows he'll be back by Saturday."

Pony nodded. "Yeah, I guess so. I just don't know why he wouldn't tell me. He tells me everything."

"Sorry, man," Wade said. "I know this ain't easy."

That was an understatement to say the least. It brought back a lot of memories for him of when he and Johnny had run off. There wasn't the same amount of panic, but Pony knew the unease he felt was only a fraction of what his brothers went through that week they were gone.

Darry had assured him when he got home from work that everything would turn out okay. Soda was an adult, and if he needed a couple days away, that was okay. He was sure going to get an earful when he got home about worrying them sick, but it would be all right.

"I gotta get downtown," Wade said. "I promised my mom I would help out before the parade. Are you guys still coming to the fireworks tonight?"

"I don't know. I guess we might make it. Darry told me that he thought everything's okay until we hear otherwise."

"It'll end up being okay, Pony. Let me know if you hear anything, all right?"

"Sure."

After Wade left, Pony stubbed out his cigarette and lit another as Steve's car pulled up to the curb.

Steve was barely out of the car when he yelled up the walkway, "You heard anything from him yet?"

Pony shook his head and kept smoking.

"You mind if I bum one of those, kid?"

He handed over the pack, and Steve tapped one out. He lit it, and chuckled when he noticed the small pile of butts sitting next to Pony's leg on the porch. "Been busy, I see."

"Ain't nothing else to do until we hear something."

"Shit," Steve said. "Ain't that the truth."

"Do you have any clue where he would've gone?"

"Kid, I swear to you on my mother's grave, he never said a word to me about where he went. I guess we ain't been talking a whole lot lately. I can't figure out why he didn't tell you, though. He tells you everything."

"Not everything, apparently."

"Where's Darry?"

"Sleeping. He worked at the loading docks last night." Pony stared at his cigarette for a long moment. "What do we do until we hear from Soda?"

"I don't think there's much we can do. Just wait, I guess."

Pony nodded slowly and sat with Steve on the porch as they smoked their cigarettes in silence.

XXX

Hours and hours of sitting on the bus had made him sore, but when the driver pulled into a depot with palm trees lining the lane, Soda smiled as he grabbed his duffel and walked off the bus with a skip in his step.

Outside, the air was hot and humid, instantly making him sweat. The further he walked from the idling bus, the more nervous he started to get. Everything around him was unfamiliar, and it shook him to be so far from home.

As he waited at a small terminal for the bus that would take him to the same address he had sent so many letters, he itched for a cigarette. What if he had come all this way and she refused to see him? What if she sent him home without even a glance like she had done to all of his letters?

And worse yet, what if she wasn't even in Florida anymore?

_You're waiting for someone to put you together  
>You're waiting for someone to push you away<em>


	10. Orphans

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. The Gaslight Anthem owns "Orphans."  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>And we were orphans before<br>We were ever the sons of regret_

**July 4, 1968**

Soda stood with his hand by the doorbell for what felt like an eternity before he finally had the courage to ring it. It felt like even longer before he heard someone walking to the door. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out what he would say when Sandy's grandmother answered the door. To his surprise, it wasn't her grandmother that opened the door.

It was Sandy.

He could imagine that the look on his face was much like the one she had on hers. They stood for a long time just staring at each other, and he wondered why it had taken him two years to find her.

"Hi, Sandy."

She seemed to shake herself out of her shock and stepped outside, closing the door behind her.

"Soda, what are you doing here?"

He pretended that he hadn't expected a different reaction. He pushed the mental images of her racing into his arms and asking why he hadn't come sooner out of his mind.

"I wanted to see you."

"It's been such a long time."

He took a step closer to her, and she backed up a step. He planted his feet where he was and didn't move any closer. "I know. That's why I wanted to see you."

"You shouldn't have just shown up like this. It's been a long time," she repeated.

"Almost two years. I know how long it's been."

She said nothing, and it took him a long while before he could say anything either.

"How have you been, Sandy?"

"Okay. How have you been?"

Soda shrugged. "Better now."

Her hands were folded in front of her, but she was fidgeting as she stood there. "How are your brothers? And Steve and Evie?"

"They're all fine."

"That's good."

Soda stared at her, barely seeing the same girl that left him standing in the dust two years earlier. In spite of that, he still loved her so much that it hurt. He knew they could stand there all day spitting out small talk, but that wasn't why he came a thousand miles.

"Why didn't you come home?"

It was enough to get her to actually look at him again, but it still took a long minute of awkward silence before she answered him.

"It wasn't my choice."

"You're eighteen," he said. "You've got a choice now, don't you?"

"It's not that easy."

"What's not easy? Come back to Tulsa. Your parents are there."

"They don't want me back." She lowered her voice and glanced back at the door. "My grandmother isn't well. I can't just leave her to come back to nothing."

"You aren't coming back to nothing," he said, trying to hide how hurt he was by being lumped in with nothing. "I'm there. I still love you."

"Soda," she began, shaking her head.

He cut her off before she could say anything else. "I waited for you for two years. I can wait another two if that's what you need. You just need to know that I'm still going to be there when you go home."

"What if I don't come home?"

All along, he had refused to believe that she wouldn't come home. It was taking her a while, but he was convinced that she would eventually get there. Now that he was standing on her front step, a thousand miles from home, it was a little harder to believe.

"Soda," she said, "you can't be sitting around Tulsa just waiting for me. I started a life here. You need to start one there without me in it."

"I don't want to."

"You have to."

They stood there in silence, staring at each other for what felt like forever before Soda started to finally get the hint. Before, he thought everything had been a mistake. The fact that she hadn't come home right away, the letters that had been returned unopened, the phone calls that weren't returned. It was starting to make sense now.

He nodded a little and stepped off her front stoop, trying his best to keep it all together. He had come all this way uninvited. He couldn't be all that surprised to find she didn't want him, could he?

By the time he hit the sidewalk, his feet felt like they had been packed with cement. He didn't know how he could make it all the way back to the bus depot the way his head was swimming. He thought about what he would tell Ellie when he got home. He couldn't bring himself to think about what he would tell his brothers.

He felt like an idiot. He had been stupid to think he could take off for a weekend to woo the girl that had left him. He was a fool to leave home the way he had, worrying everyone only to return home with nothing to show for it.

Slinging his duffel over his shoulder, he rubbed at his neck, trying to figure out the haze in his head when he heard Sandy behind him.

"Soda," she said, coming to a stop on the sidewalk as he turned around to face her. "You've been traveling all night. Why don't you come in for a little while?"

XXX

If Dally was remembering right, there was a sort of friendship between him and Tim. Nothing major really, just buddies when they needed to be and enemies rest of the time. It served them both well in their own ways, keeping Dally out from under Tim's thumb and the hell out of his shitty gang. Yes, their type of friendship suited them both well.

Out in the exercise yard one afternoon, Dally noticed that Tim always seemed to stay away from him. He didn't do anything more than Dally did, just walked, sat, and didn't talk to anyone. It fucking bothered him for some reason.

"You avoiding me, Shepard?"

Tim looked at him, nothing cracking through on that ugly mug of his except boredom.

"I'm stuck in here with you until they let you out," Tim replied, leaning against the fence and smoking a cigarette like some goddamn James Dean wannabe. "I think we got plenty of time for chit-chat later,"

"Figured you'd wanna tell me 'bout everything on the outside. Two-Bit couldn't fucking shut his trap about any of it."

"That's one of the differences between me and Mathews. I ain't got any need to talk to you."

"That's how it is?"

He hated the way Tim just stared at him. Just an even glare but enough emotion in his eyes for Dally to know he thought he was a dumbass.

"It's how it is when you took off in some blaze of glory like an asshole."

"Christ, I didn't know you cared so much," Dally said.

Tim blew smoke in his face. "Didn't say I did. I figure it would have been better for a lot of people if you woulda just gotten yourself killed instead of locked up."

It was something of a shock to hear someone say that out loud, but he pretended he didn't care. He just moved on and moved back into familiar territory.

"So, I heard this funny story about Ellie beating your car to hell."

If he hadn't know Tim as well as he did, he never would have noticed the way he went completely rigid as he said that.

"It was a long time ago," Tim finally said, flicking the cigarette through the fence.

For years, Dally had messed with Tim's car in any way he could because he knew it was the easiest way to get a reaction out of him. It was bugging him that he was trying so hard to rub it in his face that Ellie did the same thing, and Tim wasn't responding at all.

"The fuck she do that for?"

Tim looked straight at him for a few seconds and said quickly, "Because I gave you an unloaded fucking gun that you went and tried to get yourself killed with."

Fist clenched, Dally drove a hard punch to Tim's gut, doubling him over. Dally said in his ear, "Why didn't you just get me the fucking bullets in the first place?"

Dally pushed him back into the fence and walked away, pissed off Tim didn't try to finish the fight.

XXX

Although it felt wrong going out to the fireworks with Soda being gone, Darry insisted that they still go. Allison tried to talk him out of it, but he knew how much both she and Lizzie were looking forward to seeing them.

"We could have stayed home," she whispered to him after they had staked out their spot with blankets. Steve and Evie had already made themselves comfortable on a blanket beside them, and Two-Bit was trying to help Lizzie catch the few fireflies that were making themselves known before the sky was completely dark.

He shook his head. "Soda's an adult no matter what stupid things he does. He can handle himself this weekend. No reason we should put our plans on hold for him."

He had lied to her, though, about not putting plans on hold. He had his mom's ring in his pocket, but he knew he wasn't going to give it to her. There was something wrong about doing such an important thing when he wasn't even sure his brother was okay. He had been trying to keep up a confident front that Soda was fine so Pony wouldn't worry, but the fact of the matter was if Soda were fine, he wouldn't have left the way he did. Something was wrong.

Darry tried to shake off that feeling, but it didn't help as he listened to Steve and Evie talking.

"I still can't believe he'd do something so stupid," Steve said. "Where's he get off just up and leaving like this?"

Evie shrugged. "Whatever the reason is, it's got to be important. He wouldn't just leave for no reason."

"It couldn't be that important if he didn't tell me," he snapped. "He didn't even tell Pony."

Two-Bit interrupted the conversation by trampling over the blankets, carrying a giggling Lizzie over to Allison.

"I'm too old to keep up with her and those fireflies," he said, sinking down onto the blankets. He glanced from Steve over to Darry. "I don't think I gotta ask what's up. I know what you guys are all thinking."

"I just don't understand why he's gotta be so stupid all the time," Steve said.

"We don't know what's going on with him," Two-Bit replied. "Wait until he gets home. Then you can really be mad at him."

Steve was still grumbling by the time Wade, Pony and Cathy showed up. Darry was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice anyone was missing until Two-Bit spoke up.

"Where's Ellie?"

"I called her earlier," Wade said, "but I don't think she was feeling good."

Darry thought that seemed strange because she never missed the fireworks. He tried not to jump to conclusions, although he couldn't help but think it had something to do with what was going on with Soda. She had seemed genuinely surprised to hear that he was gone, but she also seemed anxious to get off the phone with him.

He tucked that thought away for the time being as they all made themselves as comfortable as their seats on the grass would allow and watched the fireworks. He couldn't help but notice that nobody but Lizzie seemed to really enjoy themselves.

XXX

It was the fourth of July and all she really wanted to do was see the fireworks, but she was keeping herself indoors and away from everyone. Soda had been gone for an entire day, Darry had called her to see if she knew where he might have went, and Pony had come over looking for the same information. She did what she promised and lied right through her teeth, all the while cursing Soda for not giving Darry more information other than that he would be back by Saturday. It was strike one against Soda.

And then there was the mess she had created with Wade. It was all she could do to not think about how much of an idiot she was for helping Soda out, but there was nothing that could keep her from thinking about what happened with Wade. What killed her more than anything was that she knew that what he did was noble, and all she felt was rejected and humiliated.

He had already called asking if she was okay and if she wanted to go to fireworks. She turned him down without saying much and hung up on him. Wade was too nice to ask her what was wrong, and she kept too much bottled up to tell him she was thinking about someone else. She sure hoped Soda's trip to Florida was doing him some good because she felt like all it was doing was ruining her life.

All she felt like doing was cry, but she didn't do that either. Danny was into everything and her mom was nagging her to keep him out from under her feet as she tried to cook dinner.

"You do it," Ellie snapped at her.

Abby turned, cigarette hanging loosely from her lips, and glared at her. "What?"

Ellie handed Danny a wooden spoon and set a pot on the floor for him to bang on before she returned the glare her mom was giving her.

"I said for you to do it," she repeated as Danny smacked the pot over and over with his spoon.

Abby removed her cigarette from her lips, about to give her a tongue-lashing , but Ellie went to her room, slamming the door as hard as she could. Danny's banging stopped briefly then continued. The steady clanking was driving Ellie mad enough, she lay down and pressed a pillow over her head. She lay that way until she heard the brutal sound of a pot being kicked across the floor and a baby start to cry. Squeezing her eyes shut, Ellie ignored it all until Danny was right outside her door, calling her name.

"Ewie!"

Quietly, she opened the door and picked him up. She lay on her bed with him until he fell asleep. Ellie stayed awake listening to him breathe and thinking about Dally until she could hear the distant boom of the fireworks.

XXX

Inside the tiny house, Sandy stood barely a foot from him, so close he could reach out and touch her soft blonde hair. He tucked strands behind her ear and noticed how different she looked. She was still as beautiful as he remembered, though. Maybe more.

"Soda," she said, backing away a step. "I have to tell you something."

Her china blue eyes were wide and couldn't meet his for more than a second without looking away.

"What is it?" he asked, too giddy she had called him back to worry about whatever she had to say.

She licked her lips and pursed them together as she nodded to a closed door behind him.

"Come here," she said, breezing by him. She paused at the door and then quickly pushed it open. Inside, Soda saw the wooden crib and the toys.

Slowly, he walked into the small room, stopping right beside her and staring at the bump in the blankets.

"I lied to you," she said, staring at the same thing he was.

"I knew it all the time," he said quietly before he turned to her. "You wouldn't do that to me. I always knew that."

Sandy looked at him, her eyes wide, but she sighed and moved toward the crib. She leaned in and came back up with a little bundle in her arms. She held the sleeping baby, keeping it between her and him.

"He's yours," she said, cradling him. "I named him Peter."

Carefully, because as far as Soda was concerned, the little boy was the most fragile thing in the world, he touched his little head, feeling the reality of the soft brown tuft of hair between his fingers. Soda took in everything about his son: the button nose, the tiny fingers and toes, the startled sleeping breaths as Sandy set the baby in his arms.

For the first time in his entire life, Sodapop Curtis felt whole.

_And now my lights, they never go down  
>They waltz the moon and the stars for me now<em>


	11. Leave Me Behind

Disclaimer: We do not own The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, nor do we own the song "Hate Me" by Blue October.

* * *

><p><em>There's a burning in my pride,<br>A nervous bleeding in my brain,  
>An ounce of peace is all I want for you<em>**  
><strong>

Another bus closed its doors and rolled out of the depot as Ellie looked at her watch. It was way past time for Soda's return bus, and she was getting worried. At first, she thought it may have been a delay or maybe he had missed his bus, but as the minutes turned into hours, she was scared.

She got out of the car and walked into the depot.

"Excuse me," she said to the lady behind the counter. "Is the bus from Tallahassee running late?"

She looked at the papers in front of her and shrugged. "No, it was here on time about two hours ago."

"Are there anymore buses from that area coming this way tonight?"

"Doesn't look like it. Got another one coming in around 10 tomorrow morning."

Ellie thanked the woman and headed back outside. She waited around another few minutes, just trying to figure out what she was going to do. She hadn't planned on what to do if Soda missed his bus or just decided not to come back, and she hardly believed he missed his bus. Darry and Pony were going to be out of their minds with worry when he didn't show up when he said he would, and she was the only one that could let them know he was okay. At least as far as she knew at this point.

She decided to come back the next morning and wait. If he didn't show up on that bus, she was going to have to figure out a way to tell everyone that she knew all along where he was. For both of their sakes, she prayed Soda was on that next bus from Florida.

XXX

Ellie paced around the living room at Darry's, anxiously waiting for him to wake up. She knew he had his overnight shift the night before and wouldn't be up, but she needed to be there the second he did. Otherwise, she was going to lose the nerve to confess what she knew.

She had already been to the bus station, and the bus from Florida had come and gone without any sign of Soda. She wasn't exactly surprised, but she had been hopeful. She had gone back home and waited until she knew Pony would be at work before she came over. For some reason, it seemed easier to tell Darry what she knew instead of telling Pony.

Finally, she heard movement down the hall and felt her hands go clammy at the thought of having to spill her guts to him.

Darry came out of his room finally and walked out into the kitchen, looking a little surprised to see her there.

"Hey."

"Hey," she said.

He filled a glass with milk and drank it over the sink before he turned back to her. "Everything okay?"

"Soda didn't come home last night."

He tensed a little. "Yeah."

She shifted her weight from one foot to another as he looked at her.

"Since you said that as a statement and not a question," he said, "I'm assuming you know something."

She didn't know why she even tried. She said down on a chair and didn't look at him. "Yeah."

"I figured as much."

"Why didn't you ask me before this?"

"Soda seemed to have a plan in mind with the way his note read. I figured he had to have told somebody what it was, but that person wasn't Steve. You haven't really been around the last few days, either."

"That was easier than just lying to you guys."

"Is he okay?"

"I think so. I hope he is."

"Where is he?"

"Florida. That's where he was, anyway. I hope he's either there or on his way home now, because if he's not, I don't know where he could be."

The hard lines around his eyes softened and he sighed.

"He went to see Sandy."

She nodded and finally looked at Darry again. "He still loves her."

"What was he going to do when he got there?"

"I don't know. Tell her, I guess. And see his baby is my other guess."

Darry absolutely froze when she said that. For a moment she wondered if she should have even said anything about it.

"He thinks it's his?"

"I think he's sure it is."

Darry ran a hand through his mussed hair. "Jesus."

"I know."

"Do you have any idea how to get a hold of him?"

She shook her head. It hadn't occurred to her to ask him before he left because there wouldn't have been any need to reach him if he had been on time. It was hard to watch Darry's reaction and know how Soda felt about telling him. Would this have been his reaction if Soda had told him his plans?

"If I wasn't going to kill him before all this, I will for not coming home when he was supposed to."

"Maybe he just missed his bus. I went to the depot this morning and there's another bus coming in tomorrow afternoon."

"He better be on it."

She nodded. She didn't want to think about the alternative.

XXX

It was his day off, and Two-Bit had spent it by not doing much else than trying to accept the fact that Soda hadn't come home when he said he would. Pony had called to ask him if he had any clue, but Two-Bit had nothing to offer him. He had no idea where Soda would have gone, but he had a feeling that maybe Steve knew.

When he got to Steve's, he was already outside smoking a cigarette on the porch.

"Hey, man," Steve said.

"Hey. Guess you heard Soda didn't come home?"

Steve nodded and pointed down the street at Ellie's house. "She knows."

"Why do you think that?"

"She was gone most of the evening last night and left early this morning. I know she's not working today. She's been hiding out since he left."

Two-Bit sighed. "You're spying on her?"

"Remind you much of when Pony and Johnny were gone?"

If Steve meant to get Two-Bit mad at Ellie, it wasn't working. It was a low blow to compare the two situations.

"Nobody died and as far as I can tell, ain't no cops after him either. If she knows, it's probably because he told her and swore her to secrecy. That's if she knows at all."

Steve was silent. He just kept watching the street for signs of her, but he didn't have to wait long. She walked out from between two houses across the street, looking like she was coming from the Curtises. Her head was down and her arms crossed. Steve was on his feet.

"Ellie!"

She stopped in the middle of the street and looked up at the sound of her name. Her eyes fell on them, and she headed their way.

"Go easy, man," Two-Bit said.

Instead, he went right in for the kill.

"Where's Soda?"

Ellie's stance was defiant, and her face betrayed very little. Two-Bit figured it was because of Steve's less than easy approach.

"Don't play dumb, I mean it," he said when she didn't answer. "His letter said he'd be back yesterday and no one has heard anything."

"Why does that mean I know something?"

"You haven't been around since he left. How come you missed the fireworks?"

"I wasn't feeling good."

"Yeah, that's what Wade told us," he replied. "You haven't been sick, you just didn't want to get caught."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. We went through the same thing when Pony and Johnny were missing, and you were lying then, too."

"Come on, man," Two-Bit said, trying to diffuse the situation. He knew it was about to get ugly if Steve kept up the way he was going.

"That has nothing to do with this," she said, her voice sharp.

"It has everything to do with it."

Ellie shook her head and looked away.

More than anything Two-Bit wanted to jump in and solve this without screaming at each other, so he tried. "Do you know where he went?"

It seemed to be the trick because she looked right at him, and he saw the guilt in her eyes.

"As a matter of fact, I just came from telling Darry."

"So you have known," Steve accused.

"Yes, I have."

"Where's he been?" Two-Bit asked.

"Florida."

That was meaningless to him, but one look at Steve told him it ought to.

"You've got to be kidding me. He didn't."

"Why Florida?" Two-Bit asked.

"Because of Sandy," Steve answered.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Still?" Two-Bit asked.

He had completely forgotten about Sandy. For being a blonde, the girl had never made a huge impression on him. He knew Soda had a thing for her, but for the last two years? After the girl cheated on him?

"I guess so. He told me he wanted to see her … and the baby."

No one said anything at that, but Ellie was holding Steve's gaze, like she was challenging him to say anything else.

"Is it his?" he asked.

She shrugged. "He seems to think so."

"And what if it isn't?"

"What if it is? He has a right to see his own kid."

"Her parents sent her away for a reason. It was good for her, and he sure as hell can't handle a kid. What the hell is he thinking?"

"He misses her."

It was as simple as that. Two-Bit didn't really get it, but Ellie said it like it should be the most understandable thing in the world.

"So why all the secrecy?" Steve asked. "Why didn't he just tell Darry he was going to go see her?"

"I don't know. I tried to get Soda to talk to him. I really did, but he didn't want to. He didn't seem to think anyone would understand."

"Anyone but you?" Steve's tone was getting hotter and shorter now.

"I don't know. I guess."

"How come no one else would understand? We all know how much he liked Sandy."

"That's the thing. He still loves her. He never gave up wanting her," she said, her tone escalating to match Steve's.

Steve rolled his eyes and said, "I get it. He still has a thing for Sandy and tells you because you were never smart enough to get over Dallas. That it?"

She was trying so hard to stick up for Soda that Two-Bit noticed that she hardly flinched when Steve threw that in her face.

"The two of you need to get over it. They're both gone, move on already," he said. Two-Bit put a hand on his shoulder to try and stop him. "You think either one of them is actually waiting on you two to show up? Did he even call her to let him know he was coming?"

If he would have blinked, he would have missed the way her eyes misted up when he said that. He expected her to tell Steve to mind his own business, instead she just repeated herself.

"He still loves her."

"How come he never said anything then? It's been over a year and he's never said anything!"

"Did you ever ask him?"

It was hard to tell, but Two-Bit thought he saw Steve shrink away a little from the question.

"Guys, let's not do this," he pleaded, but they ignored him.

"What are you saying? That I'm a lousy friend because I never asked?"

"No, but why didn't you know? Steve, you're his best friend."

It wasn't lost on Two-Bit that Steve and Soda had been fighting, that their friendship had been taking punches the last year or so. He could practically see the shame in Steve's eyes for not knowing how badly Soda missed Sandy.

"Look, we're all kind of lousy for not knowing how much he misses her," she said. "But don't be mad at him for this."

"It's kind of hard after the way he just took off. He should have said something to me or Darry."

"You woulda tried to talk him out of going if he told you. Darry and Pony probably would have, too."

"Did you?"

"Not really."

Steve shook his head, looking like he could strangle her if he'd get away with it, so Two-Bit stepped between them.

"Is he still in Florida?"

"I really don't know," she said. "I hope he just missed the bus he was supposed to come home on. Maybe there was some misunderstanding with his ticket."

"Has he called?" Steve asked.

"No." Even Ellie seemed to know that wasn't a good sign, and she started to head back toward her house. "Sorry I didn't say anything before. He just didn't want me to."

Two-Bit nodded and watched her walk across the lawn to her house. He turned back to say something to Steve only to hear the front door of his house slam shut. Two-Bit sighed and walked down the driveway to his car. It seemed like just when things got back to normal with his friends, something happened to send it all back to hell.

XXX

She collapsed on her bed, sick with worry. If it had to be one more thing to pile on top of everything else, it had to be something that everyone was mad at her about. Steve was just being a jerk, she knew that. He wasn't anything she couldn't handle. He was upset Soda didn't tell him, and maybe more upset with himself that she pointed out the fact that he wasn't being a good friend to Soda.

But sometimes she wished Steve would just ease up. People kept secrets all the time, and sometimes people can't let go of what they should. Soda was going to be fine, at least as fine as she was going to be.

XXX

Tim was trying his best to keep his distance from Dally, but that wasn't an easy thing to do behind bars. All he really wanted to do was beat him into the ground, but that wasn't the easiest thing to do behind bars either.

He felt like a Grade A pussy for taking Dally's punch the way he had. He told himself he had because if he had retaliated the way he wanted to, it would have been an all out brawl in the exercise yard. As much as he would have liked that, time in solitary confinement made his skin crawl. The only thing worse than being locked up was being locked up alone.

There was something else, though, that had stopped him. For the rest of his life, he would never be able to look at Dallas Winston without thinking about what had happened between him and Ellie all that time ago. He didn't think Dal knew details about what happened after Monty died because if he did, he'd be getting more than a sucker punch to the gut. But then again, the way Dally brought up what Ellie had done to his car made him wonder.

Tim thought things were settled between him and Ellie, but Dally would make sure debts were still owed. Not because he was some kind of goddamn gentleman or something, but because he was always looking for a way to even some score. He always wanted a way to pay somebody back for something, and Tim felt like he was just biding his time.

He felt like an idiot spending his time thinking about Dally, but there just wasn't a whole hell of a lot else to think about besides his conversation with Winston. The kid had changed after being on the inside. Most did change from it, but this wasn't a change he had expected out of him.

The way he had asked him about those bullets creeped him the fuck out. Dally had clearly been suicidal the way he got himself all shot up the night of the rumble, but Tim assumed it had been a temporary thing. Adrenaline and all that bullshit. This was different, though. Dally still seemed to be thinking about it, and Tim thought that, eventually, the asshole would figure it all out.

XXX

Telling Pony where Soda had gone gave him a little bit more perspective on how nervous Ellie must have been to tell him. His kid brother just sat there, staring at nothing as he tried to put the pieces together.

"He never told me anything."

"He never told me either, kiddo."

"But he tells me everything."

"Guess he left a few things out."

Pony stared at him, his green eyes going dark. "Ellie knew the whole time?"

Darry expected Steve would be all over her when he found out, so he was intent on keeping Pony from being mad at her, too.

"Look, Soda asked her to keep it a secret, and she did. This is Soda's mess."

"Yeah," Pony replied. "When's he coming back?"

With a sigh, Darry said, "Hopefully tomorrow. She said there's another bus coming through. After that, I don't know. Maybe we can find her address or phone number in Florida and we can call down there. I really don't want to have to call her parents looking for him."

"I'll look," Pony said, getting up.

Darry headed toward the kitchen, hungry even though it was after dinner. "Yeah?"

"It's because of the baby, huh?"

He had purposely left that part out, hoping instead that Soda would come home and tell him it wasn't true. Even if it meant his heart would be broken all over again.

"I think so."

Pony nodded and went into his room. Darry stood alone in the kitchen, thinking hard about why he didn't realize his brother was hurting so badly.

_Hate me today, Hate me tomorrow,  
>Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you<em>


	12. On Call

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders, and Kings of Leon (jerks that they are for being drunks and canceling their tour) own the song, "On Call."**

* * *

><p><em>I'm on call, to be there,<br>Once and all, to be there._

As the days slowly turned into a week with no word from Soda, Ellie really started to panic. She stayed home and near the phone, hoping to God he called. Everyone was breathing down her neck, wanting to know where he was, and she had no answers to give them. All she knew was that something had gone wrong. If things were going good for him, he would have called to explain why he was late coming back.

She called off work to stay home and guard the phone. Alone in the kitchen, she tapped her foot anxiously. Her stomach was a nervous mess of knots, and she willed the phone to ring. Staring at it didn't help so she got up and moved to the couch. Just like when Pony and Johnny were gone, she wasn't sleeping well at all.

Stretching out, she tried to make herself relax, but all she could think about was how she was going to kill him when he came home. She was going to get to him before anyone else and scream at him.

There was a knock at the door, and she forced herself up. Pony was on the other side and she let him in without a word.

"You hear from him?"

Ellie shook her head, and Pony rolled his eyes at her before he walked into the kitchen. She had a hard time taking it when he was mad at her like this. When they were little, it was always them against everyone else because they were the youngest. They had always stuck up for each other and having him so mad at her was awful. She felt like she couldn't talk to him at all.

"It's been a week, Ellie. I can't believe you guys didn't plan this out a little better or something."

"It wasn't my plan," she said, defensively. "He just told me he was going to do it."

"You should have talked him out of it."

Why couldn't anyone understand that talking him out of it was like asking the sun not to rise? Why did everyone discount his feelings so much?

Very quietly, she answered him. "I couldn't do that."

"Did you even try?"

She stared at him for a minute, trying to figure out who he was and where he had come from. This was not the Ponyboy she knew, and this was definitely not the Ponyboy Soda had always confided in.

"Why would I? His mind was made up, he was going no matter what."

"I can't believe he didn't tell me."

She could hear the hurt in his voice, and it was a deeper hurt than Steve's had been. In all honesty, she couldn't believe Soda didn't tell him either.

The phone rang and she froze, eyes locked on his. She had been dying to hear from Soda, but she wasn't ready to have an audience.

"Get it."

Ellie walked over to the far wall and lifted the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

It was only Wade. She sighed and looked at Pony, shaking her head. "Hi, Wade."

"I just wanted to call and see how you're doing. Are you feeling better?"

"I'm fine."

"Oh, that's good. Because my mom made some soup, and I could bring it over if you want some."

"I told you I'm fine."

She knew she was being incredibly short with him, but part of her was still very much hurt from the way he turned her down. Plus, with Pony standing just a few feet away, she wanted to talk to him even less.

"Do you want to do anything later? Maybe this weekend?"

Ellie pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She was only thinking one hour at a time, and the weekend was ages away.

"Maybe. I don't know. I'll let you know."

"Okay. Well, rest up. You still sound tired or something. I'll call tomorrow if that's okay."

"That's fine. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye."

She hung up before he could respond. When she faced Pony, she was faced with a whole new look on his face.

"That was nice," he said sarcastically.

She moved around the table to the refrigerator and looked for something to drink. "What?"

Pony was silent until she turned around and looked at him. Shaking his head, he said, "When are you gonna realize that kid is crazy about you?"

Ellie said nothing, and he just shook his head again and walked toward the door.

"Let me know the second you hear from my brother."

The door slammed behind him.

XXX

It would have taken a lot of convincing from anyone else, but all Allison ever had to do to talk Darry into something was just to ask. And when she asked him to come over for dinner, he caved almost instantly.

"I think you just need to calm down a little," she said, stirring something in a pot. "Soda's grown up, right?"

"There's a big difference between being grown up and acting grown up."

"Give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not a kid, and he's not in school. Ellie told you where he is, and there's nothing you can do until he gets home, so just let it go at that for now. He'll call when he needs help or when he's ready to talk."

It annoyed him that she was so calm and trusting about the whole thing, but he didn't let it last. Instead he sat down.

"You don't know Soda."

"I know that there's a girl he still has pretty strong feelings for who left him in the dust without much warning at all."

"What scares me is that Ellie told me he thinks that baby Sandy had is his."

What he didn't tell her was that he didn't know how anything would work in regards to he and Allison getting married if Soda came home with Sandy and a baby. He suddenly thought about the possibility of Soda coming with just a baby, and it terrified him even more.

Allison sighed and put down the spoon she had been stirring with and stepped up behind him. She worked her hands into his shoulders. "Relax."

He succumbed to her massage, letting himself loosen up, but he couldn't keep it all from his mind.

"Look, he told Ellie what he was doing," she pointed out. "He had foresight enough to let someone know. She'll let you know if she hears from him."

Darry shook his head. "I doubt it. Ellie's loyal to a fault, and if Soda calls her and tells her not to say anything, she won't until she has to."

Allison sat down in the chair beside him.

"I know it's nothing like what happened with Pony a few years ago," he said, "but I keep worrying that something bad is going to happen. I'm waiting on a damn phone call from some Florida police department asking me to make bail or something."

His fingers tapped on the table top, and she put her hand on his to stop him. He looked at her, saw the way she was pleading with him and sighed.

"I can't help it," he said.

"I know you can't."

"I can't believe I didn't know he was still feeling this way about Sandy. I've been so wrapped up in Pony and us. I thought he would just get over her after the way things ended. His problems never seemed so bad. He never really let on about it, either. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention."

"He probably thought he could handle them on his own, and you know what? He is the only one who can do anything about the way he feels."

"It's been two years."

Her hand slid away from his, and she looked away. "It takes awhile. Especially when someone leaves you so suddenly."

Darry studied her. He always let himself forget that she had been married before, and that as far as he could tell, had been very happy. It was too hard for him to think that if her first husband hadn't died, he never would have been so lucky to end up with her.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she said, putting her hand back where it was. This time he flipped his palm over and held hers. "I'll bet that's why he told Ellie."

It never ceased to amaze him how quickly she had everyone figured out.

"Glory, I know. She's another story."

The front door opened and they both heard her mom and Lizzie come into the house. She gave his hand a squeeze. "He'll be fine."

Lizzie came into the room, and she scooped her up, covering her in kisses. Darry watched with a heavy heart. Soda could very well come home and set him and Allison back to square one.

XXX

Ellie was dozing when the phone rang. It startled her so much she nearly fell off the couch. She was still feeling a little bleary when she stumbled across the living room to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Ellie?"

She almost dropped the phone at the sound of Soda's voice. "Soda? Where the hell have you been?"

"It's a long story."

"It better be the longest story you've ever had to tell anyone in your whole life," she snapped. "Do you have any idea -"

He cut her off. "Can you do me a favor?"

She was fully prepared to scream at him through the phone, but the lack of emotion in his voice kept her from it.

"What's the matter?"

She heard him sigh on the other end of the phone. "I'm short on cash, and I won't be able to make it home. Could you wire me some money?"

"How short are you?"

"I need another $18 to make the fare."

She thought about the money she had saved but remembered she had all but turned her pockets inside out with the money she had given him for his trip out there.

He seemed to sense her hesitation. "Listen, if you don't have it, I'll figure something out. You've already helped me out a lot."

"No," she said, "I think I can get it to you."

"Really? I would have called earlier, but I was trying to figure it out for myself. I'd just really hate to call Darry and have him worry about sending me money."

"Okay, I'll get it to you as soon as I can," she said, wondering who she could ask for money if she couldn't ask Darry.

"Can you send it before five?"

She looked at the clock and saw it was just a little after four. "Aren't you an hour ahead right now?"

He was quiet for a moment before he said, "Well, I was when I was in Tallahassee."

"What's that mean?"

"I'm in Montgomery, Alabama right now."

"What?"

"I told you, it's a long story."

Her head was spinning, but she looked back at the clock. "I'll wire you the money soon."

XXX

As soon as she was off the phone with Soda, she went back to her room and grabbed the coffee can she kept her money in out from under her bed. Just as she thought, it was practically empty.

It was 4:15, the Western Union Soda was at closed at five. If she didn't get the money soon, it would be another day before he could even buy the ticket to get home. It would take him long enough to get home even if he left at five that evening. She felt sick thinking about any of them having to wait that long for him to get back.

She pulled on her shoes and went back to the kitchen to look for the keys to the car. They weren't hanging on the usual hook, and she shouted down the hall for Jimmy.

"Where's the keys?"

Jimmy appeared in the kitchen dangling them between his fingers. When she reached for them, he pulled them away quickly.

"Where you going?"

"Just over to Wade's. I'll be real quick, I promise," she said, resisting the urge to yank them out of his hand. "Please?"

"You scratch it again and I'll wring your neck."

Ellie rolled her eyes and decided it was not in her best interest to argue over the origin of the scratch on the driver's door. Instead she nodded, and he dropped the keys in her hand.

XXX

Wade's mother answered the door, a pleasant smile on her face.

"Hi, Ellie. Come on in and I'll get Wade."

"Thank you," she said. She noticed that the whole house smelled like fresh baked treats just like it always did when she went there.

"How are you feeling? Wade said you've had a bug or something lately."

"I'm feeling better. Thanks." It was somehow even worse lying to his mom than it was lying to Wade himself.

"I have some homemade soup in the fridge if you'd like some."

She really hoped the soup hadn't been made just because of her, although it wouldn't have surprised her. She glanced over at the grandfather clock in the corner of their den and noticed the time.

"I'd love to, but I'm kind of in a hurry," she replied, hoping she didn't seem too rude. "Is he here?"

She smiled and called up the steps for Wade. Somewhere out of her sight, a door opened and closed quickly. As annoyed as she was with him, she couldn't help but smile as she heard him run toward the end of the hall only to slow down and walk normally down the steps.

"Hey!" He kissed her and pulled away, a puzzled look on his face. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and glanced behind him to make sure his mom was gone. "I only have a minute, but do you have twenty dollars I can borrow?"

The puzzled look on his face deepened. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just kind of an emergency."

Both of his eyebrows went up under his bangs and this time he checked over his shoulder to see if his mom was behind him.

"It's for Soda?"

She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. "It's just to get him home."

"Is he okay?"

"I don't know. He really didn't say much. I just want him to get home. He needs this money for his bus ticket and the Western Union he's at closes in just a little while. I don't have enough, and if I can't get it to him tonight, he's going to have to wait another day before he can start back home."

He seemed a falter a bit. Once more he looked over his shoulder toward the kitchen before he grabbed her hand and pulled her up the steps. He led her down a wallpapered hallway and to the door at the end of the hall. She followed him inside and shut the door behind them. It was a funny thing being in his room, especially knowing she wasn't allowed to be. It looked almost exactly as she would have expected it to. It was messy enough to know it was a teenaged boy's room, yet clean enough to know his mom still picked up after him. She eyed at the rodeo lasso hanging from his desk chair and smiled a little.

"How come you didn't tell anyone from the beginning where he was?"

She watched him as he opened a cigar box on his unmade bed. He picked through the contents and started counting out money.

"He asked me not to."

"So, even though his brothers were worried sick about him, you still kept his secret?"

He stood up and handed her the money which she accepted like it was dirty.

"Listen, you don't understand what all of this was about," she said as they walked back downstairs. "It was really important for him to do this. I don't know what happened to him that kept him away this long. If I would have known he'd disappear, I wouldn't have agreed to all of this."

Wade opened the front door for her.

"I just wish you would've told them you knew something. Pony's awful mad about all this."

"Yeah, but no one really seems to care how Soda feels. I'm starting to understand why he didn't want to tell anyone else."

"It was nice of you to go to all this trouble for Soda, though," he said, kissing her on the forehead.

She held up the money he had given her. "Thank you. I'll pay you back as soon as I can."

XXX

She had barely made it to the Western Union in Tulsa to send the money before they closed. She hoped there would be a bus out of Alabama leaving soon and Soda would be home by the next morning.

Once she got home, she sat in the car for a long time, trying to figure out what she needed to do next. She needed to pay Wade back as soon as she could. She needed to tell Pony she had heard from Soda like he asked her to. Instead, she just sat there, wondering what Soda was going through.

Something bad had to have happened for him to stay as long as he did, only to end up in Alabama as a result. He sounded so lifeless when she talked to him earlier. That was the last word she would ever think of to describe Soda, even in the worst of times, yet, that was exactly the way he sounded.

No wonder he didn't want to tell his brothers where he was going. Somewhere, deep down, he must have known it wasn't going to turn out the way he wanted it. She just wished she knew exactly what happened because she had a feeling he wouldn't want to talk about it when he finally got home.

_And when I fall to pieces,  
>Lord you know, I'll be there waiting<em>


	13. Burning Away

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders. _The Gaslight Anthem owns "Film Noir."**_  
><em>

* * *

><p><em>I'm never going back and I'm never going home<br>I've been gone too long, I've been less right than wrong  
>I've lost so much blood in the falling out.<em>

Steve had his head under the hood of his car when he heard another car door shut down the street. He looked over at Ellie's house and saw her in Jimmy's car. In the past week, he had seen her driving more than she had in the entire time she'd had her license.

He took the cigarette from behind his ear and lit it as she drove off. If she were going to work or Pony's, she would have just walked. Wade would have picked her up if they were going out, so he figured this had something to do with Soda.

He had half a mind to follow her, but he was too mad and trying to convince himself that he didn't really care what she was up to. That was the furthest thing from the truth, though. He was dying to know what the hell Soda had gotten himself into and just how Ellie was going to help him out. He leaned against his car and smoked his cigarette before he finally turned back to the engine.

XXX

Although he had been traveling all day, Soda barely noticed the scenery outside his window. He felt numb after leaving Sandy and the baby. Things had all happened so fast, he hadn't had time to process all the ups and downs. Now that he had all the time in the world, he didn't want to think about any of it. One second he thought he had a shot at having a family, and the next, it was all over.

The bus had been stopped at the depot for a few minutes, but even as it cleared out, he sat with his head rested against the window. He wanted to be anywhere else in the world besides Tulsa, but he didn't have much of a choice. He planned on staying in his seat until someone came and told him he needed to get off. It didn't take long.

"Soda?"

He didn't need to look up to see that it was Ellie.

"Soda, what are you doing? I've been waiting for you all day long!" She stood there, waiting for him to answer. When he didn't, she walked closer. "You need to get home. Darry and Pony are worried sick about you."

He was ready to keep ignoring her, even though he wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish by it, until she picked up his bag from the seat beside him.

"Come on, Soda."

Reluctantly, he stood up and took the bag back from her. He followed her off the bus and over to the car. If it was anyone picking him up, he was glad it was her and not his brothers, but he still felt too worn out to say anything.

Ellie at least waited until they were in the car before she said anything else. "What happened?"

He shrugged. He didn't really know what had happened.

She suddenly erupted. "You have got to be kidding me if you're going to sit there without saying a single thing. I covered for you. I lied for you! Everybody is mad at me because I helped you, and now you can't tell me what happened? You can't even thank me or tell me that you're sorry for being a _week_ late getting home? Where the hell have you been?"

He finally looked at her, but he still couldn't find the words. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the picture he had held onto the entire way home. He studied it for a moment before he handed it to Ellie.

"He's mine. His name's Peter."

For a long time, Ellie studied the picture and stealing glances of his face. When she gave it back, her tone softened. "What happened?"

He stared at the picture as he answered her. "It definitely surprised her that I found her, but after a while, she seemed happy that I was there. Peter's cute. He's real sweet."

"He looks just like you," she said quietly.

He nodded. "Everything seemed to be going great the first couple days I was there. It was like we picked up right where we left off. I think that's what scared her. She was so sure everything had changed after she left and after she had the baby, but it hadn't. The only thing that changed was that she was in Florida and now there was a baby in the mix. And she's over me." His voice betrayed him, and he cleared his throat. "I thought she'd come back to Tulsa with me."

"She didn't want to?"

"I offered to marry her all over again, and she turned me down just like she had before. The reason I wasn't back when I said I'd be was because I went to look for a job. I wanted to show her I was serious. Turns out I'm not any more qualified for anything in Florida than I am here. She told me to cut it out, that she didn't need my help. I think it had to do with her grandma. Her parents must've told her about me, 'cause as soon as I introduced myself, she didn't seem too keen on having me around. I guess I can't blame Sandy. She's set to get her grandma's house after she passes. I can't offer her anything like that."

"It's been a long time, Soda. You've both changed."

"That's the thing," he said, angrily brushing the tears off his face that he hadn't meant to cry. "She's changed. Everybody's changed. And I'm just stuck here. I thought if I couldn't get her to come home, I could stay there with her. We could be a family and I could be something better. She just told me I didn't have a clue about taking care of a baby. I didn't know what all it took, but I want to know! I could learn how to take care of him, of both of them."

"Babies are a lot of work."

"I don't care. I don't expect it to be easy. Nothing ever is. Her grandma finally told me to stay away, said she wouldn't support the three of us. Sandy told me the same thing. She told me she couldn't do it on her own if her grandma stopped helping her. Even when I told her I would always be here for her, she told me no. They're all I want, Ellie, and I'd do anything for them. Why isn't that enough?"

She looked close to tears herself. "She's scared is all. You know, it's kind of the same thing that happened to my mom. She couldn't do it by herself either."

"This is different. Your mom was by herself. Sandy has me."

"Soda, it's not that easy. She knows everything's going to be okay if she stays with her grandma. Things are guaranteed for her if she stays there. It's not because she doesn't care for you. It's about Peter."

"They're my family."

"And you're just 18 – "

"And I still work at a stupid gas station, and I'm a high school dropout? I know, I don't need a goddamn reminder."

Everyone else was going to get on his case about Sandy, he didn't expect Ellie to.

"That's not what I was gonna say," she said, quietly.

He didn't say anything.

"Look, she's probably scared to death, Soda. She has to think about her son even if she wants nothing more than to be with you."

"Forget it," he said, resting his head on the window. "No on wants me here. I'll just enlist or something and get the hell away from here."

She didn't even say anything, she just responded with a sharp punch to his shoulder. He flinched away from her only to have her smack him again.

"Are you crazy?" she snapped. "Enlist?"

He had to grab her wrist to keep her from hitting him again. "Please, Ellie. What the hell does it matter? My number's gonna come up any day now. It's just a matter of time."

"So you think enlisting is the answer? You're going to get drafted anyway so you'll take care of the stupid problem by signing up for it? I swear to God if you do that, I'll never talk to you ever again," she said, tears springing to her eyes. "I don't care how upset you are over this. That is not the answer."

"Then what is? Darry's practically married and Allison and Lizzie are going to move in, so I gotta get the hell out. Sandy doesn't want anything to do with me, and my draft card's about to be pulled. And don't shake your head telling me it's not. I don't have anything anymore."

"Are you really that dumb? Darry would never just kick you out just because he's getting married. That stuff will all work out, and you know that. He's your brother, Soda. Nothing is going to come between you guys. Think of everything he's ever done for you," she said, wiping tears from her cheeks angrily. She forced her hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out the picture of the baby. "And if you enlist all because she won't take you back, this is the person you're going to hurt if you get killed because of it. This is your son. One day he's going to want to know you, and if you send yourself to Vietnam feeling this sorry for yourself, you won't come back. Someone is going to have to tell your kid that."

He took the picture from her and thought about it. She hadn't told him anything he hadn't already considered.

"If you don't," she said, "you'll kill Darry and Pony. You'll kill us all. And you know what? If she won't take you back, maybe you should just stop trying. All this wishing she'd be back just makes you miserable."

"Ellie, you know better than anybody how hard it is to not be wanted by the person you want the most."

She shook her head, like she was refusing to believe that she was in a similar situation herself. "You just gotta learn how to be happy again. Without her."

"What would you do if Dally showed up right now?"

She didn't say anything and stared at the steering wheel.

"If he came back right this second, you'd be right on his heels. You wouldn't be able to stop yourself, no matter how much you like Wade. There's nothing wrong with that, but don't tell me I need to get over Sandy when you're only pretending to be over Dally. You're not any happier than I am."

She finally looked back at him. "I stopped writing him letters just before Two-Bit came home. I stopped writing because he never wrote me back, just like Sandy never wrote you either."

For a long time, neither of them said anything. They just sat quietly, lost in their own thoughts, until he spoke up.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you're upset, but please don't do anything you'll regret. Please don't."

Soda nodded, and she leaned across the seat and hugged him tightly.

"I won't," he said, letting go and sitting back in his seat.

"You promise?"

"Yeah."

She finally started the car and pulled out of the depot. "How did you end up in Alabama?"

"Sandy didn't want me to stick around, so I hitchhiked there. It was taking forever but I didn't have enough money to get home. I thought I could maybe find a couple odd jobs to buy my ticket home, but no luck."

She was coming up on their neighborhood and he shifted in his seat, suddenly feeling antsy.

"You know, she told me a lot of things before I left. I think she told me them just to get me to leave faster, but I don't know for sure. I need you to take me over to Steve's before I go home."

She looked over at him quickly. "What did she tell you?"

"How she was seeing another guy before she left to get her dad off of her back about dating me."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I am, but it wasn't serious for her. I just need to talk to Steve."

"The only place I'm taking you is home. You need to get back to your brothers."

"No, I need to talk to Steve before I do anything else."

"Why?"

"Sandy was surprised I hadn't already heard the things she had to say because she said Steve knew. I need to hear that from him."

"If I have to drag you into your own house, I will," she said, steering the car in the direction of his house instead of Steve's.

He relented only because he knew she was serious, and he knew he would end up at Steve's soon enough.

XXX

Doing what he could to calm his nerves about Soda, Darry tried to watch TV. Nothing was on that caught his attention, even though Pony looked like he wished he could watch every program on the set. It was getting late, and Darry just wanted to go into his room and worry alone.

"It's getting late."

Pony didn't even look at him. "I don't work until tomorrow afternoon."

"Wouldn't hurt you to get some sleep every once in awhile," Darry said, although he knew Pony had been sleeping like a log the whole summer.

"Wouldn't hurt you to - " Pony stopped mid-sentence - something Darry was pretty sure was a good thing right then - when a car pulled up outside and a door closed. They both looked out the window and were on their feet as Soda walked slowly into the house.

Their brother stood in the door way, staring at them. Darry felt his worry subside into anger, and he tried to swallow it down.

"You had better start talking."

Soda stepped in a few feet, pushing between them and stopping in the middle of the room.

Pony said, "Soda, where were you?"

He turned around, facing them. "Florida."

Darry studied him carefully. Soda didn't look like himself, especially as he dropped his bag and headed for the front door.

"I'll be right back. I gotta talk to Steve."

Before he or Pony could register what he was talking about, Soda was gone again.

XXX

In the silence after she turned off the car, Ellie closed her eyes. She knew she had to get inside since Jimmy was already late for work because she had the car out so long, but she couldn't move. Soda's grief sank into her. The fact he had been so upset that he was talking about enlisting was the worst part. It was like Dally thinking he had no other choice but to have a shoot out with the cops.

That made her start thinking about Dally and how she had given up on him. Every word Soda said was true, but when was Dally ever coming back? He still had two years left on his sentence and the first two years had already been so hard. She honestly didn't think she could make it another two on the wish that he would still care enough about her to come home.

Slowly, she pulled the keys from the ignition and got out of the car. The front door opened and Jimmy came out of the house, already yelling at her. He grabbed her arm and forced the keys from her hand, hurting her in the process as he told her exactly what he was going to do when he got home from work.

"Lay off her, man."

Steve was right there, but Ellie wasn't too worried about Jimmy. He was mad in the heat of the moment and didn't have the time to act on it. Just as fast as he came at her, he was in the car and gone, leaving her alone with Steve.

"You okay?"

"Fine."

"Is Soda home?"

"Were you watching me?"

She expected him to be angry with her, but he stood far from her, hardly looking her in the face. She really hoped she hadn't hurt him too badly with what she said to him about Soda.

"He's home," she confirmed.

"It went bad, huh?"

She watched him closely, thinking about what Soda had said. Steve knew something, or at least Sandy thought so. "What did you know?"

"About what?"

"Sandy."

"What do you mean?"

"On the way home, he told me to bring him here so he could talk to you. He was mad about something. I made him go home, instead. He said you knew something about Sandy you never told him. What was it?"

He seemed to realize what she was getting when they were both startled by a ruckus across the street. Someone was running and a few seconds later Soda burst from between the dark houses, coming straight at Steve.

"You asshole!"

Soda punched Steve, and they were suddenly both going at it on her front lawn. Ellie didn't know what to do, so she yelled at them. A few times she tried to move in to break it off, but she got an elbow to the chest for her troubles.

"Knock it off!" she shouted.

There was more running coming across the street, and Darry and Pony were there. Darry quickly grabbed up Soda and held him back as Pony stood between him and Steve.

Soda tried to fight off Darry, but he had him in a bear hug. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Stop it!" Darry shouted at him.

"Get offa me!"

Ellie had never seen Soda so confrontational. It was a known fact he could hold his own in a rumble, but fighting Steve was completely different.

"How could you never have told me? Huh? You knew all this time!"

Steve shook his head and made a motion to move closer, but Pony planted a hand on his chest, stopping him in his tracks.

"I didn't know much, I swear. Evie told me a while after she left."

Even though she wasn't sure what exactly Steve knew, Soda's thinking made sense to her. Evie and Sandy were friends, and Evie knew whatever Sandy did, which meant that Evie probably told Steve at some point.

"Bullshit, Steve. You knew the whole time. Why didn't you say anything?"

"You never would have listened to me anyway! You never would have believed me."

"About what?" Pony asked.

Steve pushed Pony's hand off of him. "That Sandy cheated on him."

No one said anything for a few seconds, and it was Darry that ended the silence.

"It ain't his fault, Soda." He let him go slowly, and Soda stood away from him. "Let's go home. Sleep it off, okay?"

It was scary the way he was glaring at Steve, his arms at his sides, fists clenched. He looked so angry that when Darry put a hand on his shoulder to steer him away, Soda just tensed more.

"I'm sorry," Steve said.

"You should be."

Soda stood there with Darry's hand on his shoulder until Pony walked to him and turned him the rest of the way. Together they walked home leaving her alone with Steve again. She looked at him, noticed his nose was bleeding a little.

"Fuck," he muttered.

"You knew?"

"I didn't know when she did it! Evie told me after she was gone. It was stupid. She went with some middle class guy while she was still with Soda. Where the hell does he get off being mad at me when she's the one that cheated?"

"Steve-"

"Just stop. I don't need this from you."

He turned and headed toward home. She ran off after him, catching up to him on the porch steps and stopping him.

"Of course he's mad at you," she said. "You're his friend. You should have told him."

"What good would it have done? She was gone, having some kid that she didn't know was his or not."

"It's his kid. It could only be his kid."

"What, you believe that 'cause he told you that? Because _she_ told him that?"

"You should see the picture."

"Soda was supposed to get over her."

"You should have told him," she repeated.

"Fuck you, Ellie."

He opened the door and slammed it in her face. She stood there for a long time before she headed home. She wasn't mad at him because she knew Steve well enough to know that he was angry enough with himself. The only thing he could do to get it out was to yell at her.

After the sound of his slamming door stopped ringing in her ears, she went home. Her mom was sitting on the couch watching TV and Ellie hoped like hell Danny was asleep. She wasn't in the mood to take care of anyone else right then.

All she wanted to do was just sleep, but she couldn't. For a long time she lay there, staring up at the ceiling thinking about Soda and Sandy and trying so hard to not think about Dally. That was impossible.

Getting up, she went over to her record player and put on a Beatles album because she knew he would hate that if he were there. She wished she could tell him she was listening to it because she knew exactly what he would say to her if he caught her. That she only listened to something he hated because she didn't know what his reaction would be if he liked something.

Climbing under the covers, she missed the way he would rag on her about her music. She missed it so much, it hurt.

No matter how tightly she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep, she couldn't stop thinking about everything Dally would give her a hard time about if he were there. The fact that she was held back in school, the stupid uniform she had to wear at her job. Wade.

She tried to focus all of her energy on Wade, but no matter how hard she tried, Dally kept pushing him to the recesses of her mind.

XXX

Pony waited as long as he could before he finally went to bed. He was glad Soda was home, but he couldn't help being mad at him for the way he took off.

He thought Soda was asleep when he climbed into bed, but he finally said something.

"I'm sorry."

Pony was quiet for a long time. He thought about not answering at all, but there was only so much silent treatment he could give his brother.

"You should've said something."

"What was there to say?"

"I don't know. Anything. You could have at least told us you were going."

"Y'all just would have told me to forget about it and stay here where I belong."

Pony shrugged. "Yeah. Probably."

"It wasn't something I could forget about. And maybe this isn't where I belong. Did you ever think of that?"

"What's with you, Soda? You leave out of here without a word to hardly anybody, you never call to let us know you're okay, you pick a fight with Steve. What's going on?"

He didn't mean to be judgmental, but it wasn't the Soda he knew. The Soda he knew was always happy and positive, always playing the peacemaker. And just like that, practically overnight, all of that was gone and Soda was a completely different person.

"You don't get it," Soda said.

"Try me. If you'd just explain it to me, I think I could figure it out."

"Go to sleep, kid. I'm home. Ain't that enough?"

He turned on his side, facing the wall. Pony stared at his brother's back but didn't try to say anything else.

_Suffer the rain and the fools in the night and the heat of the day  
>When all you ever really wanted was for someone to understand.<em>


	14. Shattered

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. OAR owns "Shattered."**

* * *

><p><em>I had no idea that the night would take so damn long<br>Took it out on the street while the rain still falls  
>Push me back to you<em>

**September 1968**

It was a pretty slow down around the department store since it was a week day and school had just gone back into session. It was the afternoon, but kids had better places to hang out besides some clothing store. Two-Bit wandered around on his typical path through the store, looking for anything out of the ordinary and not finding a thing. It was nice, but sometimes it got a little boring.

He was busy eyeing the new blonde girl behind the perfume counter when he heard someone say his name. He turned to find Ellie heading his way.

"Hey, kid. What are you doing here?"

She held up a bag of food. "Thought you might be hungry."

He grinned at her. "Hang on a minute and let me clock out for my break. I'll meet you outside?"

After he clocked out, he headed outside, wondering what Ellie was really doing there. Something told him it wasn't just to bring him some food. She looked like she was dying to talk to him about something.

"So, what's up?" he asked as he climbed onto the hood of his car beside Ellie.

She just shrugged.

He should have figured it wouldn't be so easy. "How was school?"

"Same as any other first day of school. Long and boring."

"Yeah, I don't miss that," he agreed, taking a bite out of his sandwich. "So what's really up?"

She finished the French fry she was eating. "What do you mean?"

"Just spit it out, El. You ain't fooling anybody."

She didn't say anything for a while; she just sat there staring straight ahead. Finally she sighed. "Can I ask you something? Something crazy, I mean?"

He looked down at the uniform he was wearing and back at her. Even after months of working as a security guard, he still felt like a nutcase in the uniform. "Are you kidding me? Nobody can say anything that would surprise me anymore."

That at least elicited a smile from her. The smile faded as she spoke, though. "I've been thinking a lot about something, and I just wanted to talk to somebody about it. I think everybody's gonna think I'm stupid or crazy or maybe both."

He ate his sandwich, acting like he wasn't too invested in what she was saying because he figured it would make it easier for her to actually say it. The truth was that he was pretty interested. She had been acting off ever since Soda came home from his adventure in Florida. Actually, everyone was acting strange since then. Steve and Soda were still hardly talking, Ellie and Pony rarely talked. It was a reminder to him how much they had already been through and how quickly the slightest disturbance could screw everything up again.

"Well, I don't think you're crazy or stupid, so I'd like to hear it," he said.

"You know how Soda went to see Sandy? I know it didn't fix anything, really, but it's got me thinking."

He couldn't feign interest anymore when he knew exactly where she was going with this. He put down his burger and looked over at her. "Ellie …"

"I know, I know. I told you, it's stupid and crazy."

"I just don't know if it's a good idea."

"I need to see Dally, Two-Bit. It's that simple."

"What are you going to do? Catch the bus to the prison and visit him?" He thought about how angry Dally had been when he showed up to share a lunch table with him. It wasn't quite the same as a visitor, but he didn't want Ellie going through anything like that.

She was nodding, though. "That's exactly what I was going to do."

"I don't really think the prison is really a place you need to be going."

"I wrote him letters for a long time. He never wrote me back once."

"Yeah, I know. It's just Dally, though. You can't take that personal."

"It's not that. I just need to hear something from him. Anything."

"You know that I always liked you two together."

She nodded. "You're just about the only one. You and Soda."

"And I still don't think it's a good idea."

"What could it hurt, though? Even if he just tells me to leave him alone. I just need him to tell me something."

"It could hurt you. You've been thinking about this since Soda went to see Sandy, right? Do you really think this could end any other way than like that?"

She didn't look at him, and he figured that meant she had already thought of that possibility, but being her she wasn't going to back down from it.

"I don't think anything good could come of this, El. Honestly. I think you might be setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you go see him."

"He could just refuse to see me, couldn't he? Then I would know."

"That wouldn't be any easier than actually talking to him, would it?"

She shrugged.

"Write him. Tell him how you feel and-"

She cut him off abruptly. "No. It doesn't work."

That much he knew, but the more she tried, the better chance that Dally would eventually write back. Looking at her, he knew whatever he was going to say was going to fall on deaf ears.

"What's going on with you and Wade?"

"What's that matter?"

"It matters a lot, actually. He's a good guy. Dally's my pal and all, but he's not like Wade." He knew that wasn't any argument for her because that wasn't the problem. The problem was Wade wasn't Dally.

"Look, I told you I knew it was a stupid idea," she said, sliding off the car and brush the crumbs from her shirt.

"It's not stupid, I just don't think it's all that smart," he said gently.

She cracked a smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Thanks for listening, Two-Bit."

He held up his sandwich. "Thanks for lunch, kid."

XXX

At his father's kitchen table, Evie was breezing through the paper trying to find an affordable place for them to live. For the first time, Steve really had no interest. She kept reading off blurbs about places to him, and he nodded and "uh-huhed" in the right places, but it didn't fool her long. The next thing he knew, she was snapping her fingers in his face.

"What's got you off in lala land?"

"Nothing.

But he didn't fool her. She just sighed and pressed her manicured hands flat on the table. "You still haven't talked to him, have you?"

Now he was busted. He already told her he smoothed things over with Soda. He played it cool, though. She was still on the hook for pushing back getting married.

"Steve, have you talked to him?"

"No, but it's fine."

"It is not fine. All you've done is mope and pout about it all. It's gotta stop."

Evie was good at laying down the law, but Steve didn't want to talk to Soda. He wanted Soda to apologize to him; first for the sucker punch and second for being mad about something he should have just let go.

"You were wrong, Steve. Admit that to him. You're too good of buddies to do this to yourselves. You go over there and tell him you twisted everything around in that thick head of hair of yours. It probably got lost in the hair oil."

He shot her a look, not really enjoying her humor.

"Don't even look at me like I should feel sorry for you. You made it worse by not telling him."

"You know how I coulda understood the 'story' better? If you woulda told it to me straight instead of like you were telling one of your gossipy girlfriends."

It didn't even faze her. She just kept the cool look on her face. "You talk to him and get over it, Steve. You two are worse than girls, I swear."

XXX

It made her seething mad to have Soda first look at her like she was nuts and then simply say, "I don't think you should."

"How can you even say that?"

Soda wasn't looking at her. He busied himself with the TV Guide until she snatched it out of his hands and set it on the coffee table.

"You tried to talk me out of it," he said.

She stopped for a moment and tried to remember the exact moment she treated Soda the way he was treating her right then. Maybe she did try to talk him out of going to see Sandy, but she certainly didn't act as disinterested as he was right then.

"I need to see him."

He looked at her, pleading silently with her, and shook his head. "El, he's in prison."

"Like that's any different than Florida," she said, hands on her hips. "I expected a little bit of help from you."

"What do you want me to do? Give you money? I don't have any."

"No, I just want someone to agree with me."

"Who all have you talked to?" he asked. "Would you sit down? You're making me nervous standing there like that."

Instead of sitting in the vacant seat beside him on the couch, she sat on the coffee table, facing him head on. She thought she would have at least one person on her side, and if it wasn't Two-Bit, she expected it to be Soda.

"The only other person I've said anything to is Two-Bit. And you're both telling me it's a dumb idea when you two have done nothing but tell me to wait for him since he went in."

His eyes widened and rolled just a little bit, and she had half a mind to kick him right then.

"I never said that. I just said that when he gets out you'll be all over him again," he said. "I didn't say you should go see him."

"You went all the way to Florida to see her," she said, starting to feel defeated.

"And what good did it do me? I got nothing, Ellie. She turned me down. Now, I don't wanna burst your bubble or anything, but going to see Dally ain't gonna turn out much better for you."

She was about to retort when the front door opened and Darry and Allison walked in carrying a few bags of groceries. Darry looked right at her, motioning to the table she was sitting on and said, "You mind, El?"

She reluctantly got up and sat next to Soda on the couch, but neither one of them said anything as Darry and Allison headed toward the kitchen. Allison was the one who stopped and looked at them.

"Why the long faces?"

"Nothing," Ellie said. Allison shrugged and walked away, and Ellie turned back to Soda. "You're not being fair."

"I don't know what there's to be fair about. You can get there on your own. You don't need my help or my blessing, and I never asked for yours."

What made her mad wasn't the fact that everyone was basically badmouthing Dally. What made her mad was that she had bent over backward for Soda and all he was doing in return was telling her what she didn't do for him.

"You know what? I'm not asking for any of that!"

"Then what are you asking for?"

Vaguely she was aware of the fact Darry had walked into the room, but she was beyond caring she was so angry.

"Someone to acknowledge that he's still alive."

After she said it, she sucked in a breath and got up slowly. Soda didn't say anything, but Darry stepped forward a little bit. Allison was watching from just a few steps behind him.

"El, this about Dally?"

She nodded because a lump had formed in her throat.

"She wants to go visit him," Soda cut in.

Ellie hardly believed he had the gall to speak up. Not after everything he put Darry through deciding to disappear for a week. Darry's reaction hurt her nearly as much because of the way he sighed and looked overall annoyed with the fact they were having the conversation in his living room. Deep down she was starting to realize that maybe Darry blamed Dally for what happened as much as Pony seemed to.

"Maybe you should try writing him letters before you go all the way there," he suggested.

It was a harmless suggestion. One made by a person who had no idea the amount of ink she had wasted sending Dallas Winston letters, but it made her angry just the same.

"Forget it."

With that, she stepped over Soda's bare feet and headed for the door. Angry tears brimmed in her eyes and she couldn't get away fast enough, but as she reached the gate she heard Allison call her back. Just the tone of her voice was enough to stop her, and she slowly turned around and faced her.

"Do you need to talk?" she asked, walking down the porch steps to meet her in the yard.

Ellie looked at her for a minute and looked behind her to see if anyone was standing in the doorway. The front door was closed and no one was peeking through the window. It was amazing how long it took her to realize that maybe Allison was a neutral person in all of this. Not to mention, the only girl Ellie really had to talk to.

She nodded, but didn't move any closer to the house. At this point, she didn't really expect Darry or Soda to eavesdrop, but she had been around long enough to know you could hear everything going on outside from the front window.

"Want to go for a walk?"

A wave of relief swept over her. It was amazing how Allison could soothe a situation.

Once they were on the sidewalk and on a path around the block, Allison was the first to speak up. "Everything okay?"

Ellie shrugged. "Same stupid stuff."

"Boy stuff?"

Even if it was obviously a boy thing, she didn't think Darry was talking much about her problems with Dallas to Allison.

"When I was your age, every problem I ever had was with boys."

Ellie smirked. "They always seem to be my problem, too."

"Are things okay with you and Wade? He's been over here every now and then but not with you."

"I guess," she said. "There's nothing wrong with us or anything, but it's not him that I've got this problem with."

Allison walked quietly while Ellie tried to organize her thoughts. She knew she was just digging herself into a hole, but there was no way to stop thinking about what she was thinking about.

"You remember Dally, right?"

"I remember hearing everyone talk about him at the hospital. I never actually met him, though."

Dallas, the problem child at the hospital. Of course Allison remembered.

"You know how Soda went to visit Sandy?"

Allison sighed. "Yeah. Considering the way Darry paced every night, there's no chance I'll forget that anytime soon."

Ellie tried not to visibly cringe at the guilt she felt for everyone worrying about Soda. She still felt terrible about it, even though he convinced everyone that he made her keep her mouth shut about it all.

"Well," Ellie said, "Soda and I were talking about all of this. He seems to think I'm the only one that really gets why he went all the way to Florida to see her, and I guess in a way I am."

"What do you mean?"

"I keep thinking about what's going to happen when Dally gets out and comes home."

"And what do you think will happen?"

"Everything will go back to the way it was. Mostly, anyway. As much as it can be the way it was."

"You and Dally would be back together again."

"Yeah," she said glumly.

Allison nudged her and smiled. "You don't have to sound so happy about it. If you don't want to date him, don't date him when he comes home."

"It's not that easy."

"It never is with boys, is it?"

She shook her head. "Especially with boys like Dallas Winston."

"Do you love him?"

"I think I did."

"Did he love you?"

"That's not so easy either."

"Especially with boys like Dallas Winston?" Allison asked, although she seemed to already know the answer.

"I bet everybody tells you all the terrible things about Dally when I'm not around."

"No. Nobody really says a whole lot about him, actually. But if you're this hung up on him, then there must have been something there to keep you going back to him, right?"

Ellie couldn't help but smile. "This is why I wasted my time in there. They don't get it."

"They don't see themselves the way we see them," she replied. "What I'm worried about, though, is what's going to happen to you and Wade because of this."

"That's what I'm worried about, too," she admitted.

"Does he love you?"

"I think so." She didn't have to wait for Allison to ask the next question. "I don't know if I love him, though. I think I could."

"If Dally weren't in the middle of things?"

She nodded. "I hate to be such a girl about these things."

"Ellie," Allison said seriously, "you are a girl. It's okay to act like one sometimes."

She smiled. "This is just such a mess."

"Then I guess you should find out how Dally really feels about you. You shouldn't just settle with Wade because you feel like you have to. Neither of you will be happy if you do that."

"But Dally doesn't get out for a long time."

"Can you write him, like Darry said?"

And the most difficult topic kept coming back up. She wanted to laugh at how much everyone seemed to assume that just because Dally was out of contact with everyone that he would automatically pick up a pen. It was stupid to ever write him a letter. She was willing to bet that he never read a single one.

"I've tried that. A lot. I never hear back from him." She laughed at herself, but it was fake to hear own ears. "I guess that's a pretty good indication right there, isn't it?"

Allison put her arm around Ellie's shoulders. "I know this isn't easy, but maybe you should consider moving on."

"I don't think I can. I've been trying for over a year. I like Wade and all, but there's something about Dally I can't get past. I've been thinking about going to see him," she tried to sort out her thoughts. "I just need to see him. You know the last time I saw him, he was getting carted off to jail. The time before that he threw his lunch tray at me. And before that? He was getting shot by the cops."

She was silent beside her and Ellie looked at her, studying the way her mouth was a grim line.

Ellie finally continued. "Maybe if he just tells me to forget it, I could. But I can't get him getting shot out of my head."

"It's a pretty big step to take."

"I guess so but if he agrees to see me, I know there's something still there. If he doesn't, I guess that's that."

Allison shifted a little beside her, looking uncomfortable. "It would be sort of scary going to the prison all by yourself, wouldn't it?"

Even if she was trying to talk her out of it, she could tell Allison was going to let her make up her own mind and support her decision. She didn't sigh, roll her eyes or clip her tone. She just talked to her.

"It's not like one of the guys would go with me. They already want to kill me for even thinking about it. What Soda did doesn't exactly help me."

"All I can tell you is that you should think on this a little more. Don't make any drastic decisions, okay? You might just end up getting yourself hurt unnecessarily."

Ellie nodded. It wouldn't be the first time something like that had happened, but she could appreciate her advice. At least she wasn't telling her to completely forget about it the way the boys had.

"Thanks for listening. I'll keep thinking on this."

"If you need somebody to talk to, I'm here."

"Thanks a lot," she said.

They finished their walk around the block and Ellie left her at Darry's and headed to her own house. Thoughts of Dally were interrupted with the realization that she finally had someone to really talk to. The best part was that Allison sought her out.

XXX

"You guys hear anything from Ellie today?" Pony asked when he walked into the living room.

Darry was stretched out on the couch beside Allison and shrugged. He hadn't seen her since the day before.

"Who knows with anyone lately?" Darry said.

"She just wasn't in school. She better not be skipping already. School just started back."

"Maybe she wasn't feeling good," he replied.

"I walked by her house after school and it didn't look like anybody was home," he said. He looked annoyed by it and after the things Ellie typically got herself into, Darry didn't really blame him.

"I think she's busy today," Allison said.

"Busy with what?" Pony asked. "I know she's not out with Wade because he's got a church thing going on, and Ellie wouldn't be caught dead there."

"Just busy, I guess."

Darry looked over at Allison but she kept her eyes on the television. "What happened on your walk with her the other day?"

"Girl talk. About boys."

"About what she was mad about when you guys got here?" Soda asked from the kitchen.

"About Wade?" Pony asked.

Allison shrugged.

"What other boys would she be talking about? They're pretty serious, aren't they?" Darry said, hoping Allison had been able to steer Ellie back into Wade's direction.

"I thought so," Pony said.

"I'm sure she's just busy," Allison said.

"Busy with what?" Darry asked her.

Allison didn't look like she was going to answer him, but she finally said, "I think she's going to see Dally."

"What?"

"Before all of you get all up in arms about this," she said, as Soda and Pony started making noise about it, too, "you need to know that she's thought about this for a while."

"She never thinks about anything," Pony said. "She just goes out and does it and then wonders why it doesn't work out."

"That's probably why she didn't tell any of you where she was going," she replied.

That shut Pony up pretty fast, but Darry was still staring at her. "She actually went? She skipped school to go to see Dallas? In prison?" Somehow, it didn't seem to surprise him the way it should have. Nothing ever did with that girl.

"Well, I guess so," she said, biting at her lip a little. "She didn't seem to want to be talked out of it."

"And you told her to go see him?"

"No, but I don't see what it would hurt. She's practically an adult. She knows what she's getting herself into."

"Why's she going to see him when she's dating Wade?" Pony asked.

"She just needed to talk to him in person, Pony," Allison said. "She isn't breaking up with Wade. It's just something she needs to do."

He didn't say anything, and Darry could tell how much he still disliked Dally for everything that happened. He didn't really blame him either. Going to see Dally was a major step back for her.

"Don't say anything to Wade about it, okay?" he said to his brother. "Let her figure this out and tell him when she can."

Pony finally nodded. "Yeah. Sure. I won't say anything to him, but I'll let her know how worried he was about her today when she didn't show up before first period."

Soda got up and went into his room, shutting the door behind him. It wasn't long before Pony put on his sneakers and huffed out of the house.

"It's amazing how talking about Dally can clear a room," Darry said.

XXX

Standing outside of the prison gates, Ellie wasn't sure she remembered why she had come all the way. When she finally got up the nerve to go inside, she felt a little sick as she signed in as a visitor. A guard thoroughly searched her as she waited to tell the man behind the desk which prisoner she would like to see.

Something caught in her throat as she tried to answer, and she suddenly found herself unable to say anything. There was a sick, panicky feeling in the pit of her stomach. She took a deep breath before she replied, only to find herself unable to believe the name she finally told the guard.

"Tim Shepard."

_How many times can I break 'til I shatter?  
>Over the line, can't define what I'm after<br>I always turn the car around._


	15. Little Miss

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Sugarland owns "Little Miss."**

* * *

><p><em>Little miss, one big mess,<br>Little miss, I'll take less when  
>I always give so much more<br>_

_**September 1968**_

Tim walked slowly down the row of chairs, shaking his head in disbelief. There was no way in hell Ellie had come to visit him in prison. It was just plain stupid. She wouldn't do it. Mentally, he ticked off the people he thought might come, but with everyone came a lot of doubt as well. His old lady wasn't well enough, not that his stepfather would have let her come even if she was. Angela was busy with her shit-for-brains husband. It could be Curly, though he doubted it. He thought maybe Todd was trying to get his attention, although he hoped it wasn't him because that would mean real shit was going down back home, and there wasn't much Tim could do about it with nothing but time on his hands.

But when Tim saw Ellie O'Hare was sitting on the other side of the glass window, he realized the whole time that he never should have doubted her. This was the girl who took matters into her own hands to keep Curly and Rick out of trouble ages ago.

He would have loved nothing more than to have sat in his seat without picking up the phone while she tried to talk to him, but she wasn't even looking at him. She was just staring at her hands in her lap. Out of pure curiosity, he reached for the phone on his side of the glass. He couldn't even tell if she knew he was there, so he rapped once on the glass between them.

She finally looked up, but it still took her a little while before she picked up the phone on her side.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

She looked at her hand as she picked at a chipped piece of the table and didn't answer him.

"Better question than that would be why you came all this way to see me."

She still didn't answer, and he looked back at his CO, wondering if he should just ask him to take him back to his cell.

"I don't know."

He turned back to Ellie and studied her. She looked like she meant that. She didn't seem to have a clue as to why she was sitting in that seat.

"You get confused or something when you signed in? I don't think I'm the one you want to see."

She looked uncomfortable as hell sitting there, and he smirked a little.

"I swear to God, Ellie, you make the dumbest moves sometimes. Why are you here?"

"I came to see Dally."

He leaned back in his chair. He figured as much. "So can you tell me why I'm the poor sap sitting in front of you instead of Dally?"

Considering she was sitting right across from him, she hardly looked at him at all. "I guess I chickened out."

"I'll tell you one thing. You aren't missing out on a whole lot by not seeing that asshole."

"Look, sorry I came here. I better get going."

"Hey," he said as she hung up her phone. He rapped his knuckles against the glass and gestured for her to pick up the receiver again. She looked reluctant but finally did. "You came all this way and you're just going to turn around and go right back?"

He didn't know why he didn't just let her go. It was stupid to keep Ellie of all people hanging around, but it was nice getting out of his cell and seeing a different face than all the ugly mugs he had to eat lunch with.

"It was stupid that I came in the first place. That was basically what everybody told me anyway."

No surprise that she didn't listen to a single voice of reason.

"Your friends know you're here?"

"Sort of. By now they probably do."

"You're one crazy broad, I'll give you that."

She glanced at him but didn't say anything. She still looked worried as hell sitting over there. Her nails were worn down like she spent the whole trip there biting them.

"You really came all this way to see Dallas Winston?" Man, he just couldn't get over it. He knew the girl had it bad for him, but there were a lot of things Winston wasn't worth and a bus ticket was one of them.

"If I gave his name instead of yours, would he have agreed to see me?"

She was finally looking him straight in the eye, and he knew why she didn't just turn around and go home when she couldn't ask to see Dally. Seeing Tim was better than not seeing anybody because at least he would give it to her straight.

"Kid, I don't know. I'm not his shrink."

"Would he have come out here?"

He thought of ways to put it delicately. He didn't know why he cared if her feelings were hurt; it was Dally's fault after all. The thing was that he had a bad history with Ellie, and he still owed her in some way.

"Why do you waste your time on that asshole?" It was the best he could come up with.

"You aren't answering my question."

The longer he evaded the question, the more she seemed to get what he wasn't saying.

"Is it that bad?" she asked.

"You were there the night he got shot up. Let's just say, I don't think he's good with the fact that he didn't die that night."

That seemed to hit her hard. She looked away from him, and Tim thought she might start crying. To her credit, though, she finally looked back up with clear eyes.

"Thanks for at least telling me the truth."

"Honestly, Ellie, what were you thinking? You were gonna come here and talk to him and make everything better? It doesn't work that way."

"That wasn't why I came."

"It doesn't really matter why you came since you didn't have the guts to even ask to see him."

He expected that to spark something inside her, but she just sat there.

"It's been, what? Almost two years since all this went down?" he asked. "Move on already."

She mumbled something unintelligent into the phone as she looked back down at the table.

"What?"

She was quiet for so long that he didn't think she was going to answer until she wiped the back of her across her cheek.

"I'm trying," she repeated quietly, her voice cracking as she wiped at her face again.

"You oughta get yourself a boyfriend." He didn't know why he was giving her advice, but it felt right. To his surprise, she laughed a little.

"That's sort of the problem right now."

"Who're you dating?"

"His name's Wade. He works at the bowling alley."

He didn't know the name, but he knew the kid from the bowling alley because Curly kept making fun of him. "The goofy kid?"

"He's not goofy. He's nice."

"Yeah. Doesn't really sound like your type."

She leveled her gaze on him. "Exactly."

He thought about her and that kid with the cowboy hat and what Dally would probably think about all that. He knew his time was winding down and he'd have to go back to his cell before long, so he figured he would level with her.

"Is this a guilt trip or something? You feel bad that you're out there seeing some kid while Dally's in here? You're wasting your time."

"I just needed to know if Dally would see me. I wrote him letters and never heard back from him once. I guess that's answer enough, but I wanted a better answer than that. Only I was too chicken to ask for him because I was afraid he wouldn't agree to see me."

"I think that's your answer, kid."

"He wouldn't have come out here, would he?"

"I don't think so."

She nodded, looking like she might cry again. Even if she did, he had to hand it to her. She was holding up better than most in her position might.

"Do yourself a favor, kid. Go home. Go on a date with that goofy kid. Forget about Dallas Winston. He's forgotten about everybody else besides himself, and I don't think he'll be remembering any time soon."

"What happens when he comes home?"

He knew this was something she could have asked any one of her friends. The fact that she was sitting across from him in a prison told him she was asking a little more than that. She was asking him to be honest with her because no one else would.

So he shrugged. "Hell if I know. Why the hell are you blowing your life on some stupid prick like Dally? What if he doesn't even come home when he gets out? What if, as soon as he gets out, he goes and robs some convenience store and gets shot up again? The kid's got a death wish, and I think it'll come true next time. That don't mean you have to have one too. This might be the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you."

That looked like it hit her hard, and she shrank back a little in her seat.

"A minute," the CO warned from behind him.

He glanced at him, then back at Ellie. "I'm serious. Do what I told you. I gotta go."

"Thanks, Tim."

He shrugged again. "Thanks for getting me out of my cell."

"Will you not say anything about me coming here?"

He nodded. He didn't have any plans of mentioning anything, although in the old days, this would be the perfect thing to get under Dally's skin.

There was something else he needed to say to her, and he wasn't looking forward to it. It was something he needed to get off his chest because he didn't need anything else weighing on him while he was in prison. He hadn't planned it because he sure as hell hadn't planned on her coming to see him, but he figured it needed to happen sooner or later.

"Hey, Ellie." He cleared his throat and leaned a little closer to the glass divider, careful to keep his shoulders curved and his head down. It was hard enough saying what he needed to say. He didn't need to look her in the eye while he said it. "I know this don't change anything between us, but I'm sorry. I know I've said that before, but I mean it. Everything that happened. I'm sorry it did."

She was silent, and he had the balls to look up at her. She didn't say anything but she nodded and that was enough.

"I gotta go," he repeated.

"Can I ask you something before I leave?"

He wondered what it could be, but he didn't think he could actually say no. He finally nodded.

"Nobody back home knows why you're in here, but there's rumors going around."

"What kind of rumors?"

She almost smiled when she said, "That you bombed the Dingo."

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

He figured there had to be stories floating around, but he figured they all involved his gang, the Tigers and some semblance of the truth.

"It burned down right around the time you were arrested. I think Two-Bit started that story, but I thought you might like it." She leaned a little closer to the window and lowered her voice. "How come you're really in here?"

"I bombed the Dingo." It couldn't be further from the truth, but it suited him just fine.

From the smile on her face, she knew he was lying. "I thought so. I'll make sure everybody hears that's what really happened."

The CO stepped up to him as his time ran out.

"Remember what I said," he told her. "And do yourself a favor and don't come back here."

She nodded. "Thanks. Take care of yourself."

They both hung up their phones and just like that, she was gone and he was back in his cell.

XXX

The night air was becoming crisp, and Wade zipped up his jacket as he dug out his car keys. He waved bye to the other guys walking out with him, listening as they locked up behind him. Whistling, he headed toward his car and stopped suddenly. Ellie was leaned against the hood, looking down at the ground.

"Ellie?"

She looked up at him, no trace of a smile, just the blank look he was becoming accustomed to.

"Hey," she replied. Her voice wavered.

He rushed to get to his car but stopped himself short of touching her or even leaning beside her. Instead, he stood a foot away from her as she looked down at her hands. It was a distance she seemed to want between them lately.

"Are you feeling better? I missed you at school. Pony and me didn't even know you were sick."

"I'm okay."

"What's going on?"

Of all the people he had ever met, Ellie baffled him more than anyone. He knew girls could be fickle and emotional, but she seemed like she was always on edge. There was always something she couldn't get away from. Frankly, it worried him because she could be absolutely fine one minute and so mad the next. He had never seen someone turn it on and off so quickly.

"Are you cold?"

Her jacket seemed pretty light, and he made a move to unzip his to warm her up when she stopped him.

"I'm fine."

"You ever consider not lying about how you are?" He stopped, half expecting her to screech at him, but she didn't. "Tell me the truth."

She rubbed her cheeks and pushed her hair back from her face. It fell back as soon as she moved her hands away, and she said in a hoarse voice, "What if you don't like the truth?"

She was breaking up with him. That was all there was to it. Most of the summer, she had been avoiding him, ever since Soda went off and scared everyone. They had hardly talked, and even though she had never been so completely interested in him, there were always small moments when he knew she didn't want to be anywhere else. He lived for those times.

"I don't know how else to tell you that you can talk to me about anything. I want to be here for you. You just have to let me be."

Finally, she looked him in the eye, and he could tell that she had been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she wasn't wearing a lick of make up.

"I had to do some things today," she started. "It wasn't really anything, but I went."

The other thing about girls was that they talked in code, usually one he couldn't figure out too well. Instead of pressing, he acted like he understood.

"Did it help?" he asked, even though he had no idea what she needed help with.

There was a familiar far away look in her eyes. He was really at a loss with her most of the time. He wanted nothing more in the world than for her to just trust him enough to talk to him.

She finally answered him, "For the most part."

"I'm glad if it helped."

Deep down, he wondered where she had gone, what she had done. Whatever it was, it had to have been hard for her. Whatever it had been was what was keeping her so distant. It had to be.

"Wade, I - " She paused and slipped a tiny, frozen hand into his. She squeezed it and said in a choked up voice, "I'm so sorry I wasn't here."

He squeezed her hand back, trying to warm it up. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"You're allowed to miss a day of school," he said, knowing it wasn't the right thing to say. It wasn't what she meant, and he could tell by the way she turned her head. It something he was supposed to read through the lines. "All that matters is that you're here right now."

"I'm gonna try to be."

For the first time since he'd known her, she was being incredibly open with him. Even though he didn't know what had been bothering her, he felt like she was letting him see the scars.

Gently, he held her and she buried her head against his chest. She cried softly, holding him tightly. He smoother her hair, whispering to her.

"No one hurt you, did they? You need to tell me if they did."

She was completely silent, and he pushed her back a little to look at her.

"Ellie?"

"No," she said. "Take me home?"

He held her face in his hands, and he asked one more time to be sure. "You're sure no one hurt you?"

Even if he couldn't see any bruises, he had a feeling it wasn't something so obvious. She shuddered and said, "No more than usual."

Again, it was code for something he didn't understand, and he frowned. She didn't say anything else, and he had a feeling she wasn't going to. Collecting her under his arm, he walked her to the passenger door and let her in.

XXX

The phone rang on the other end, five times, six times. He decided that at 10 rings he would hang up and find a quiet moment at school to talk to her. If she even bothered going. Ellie was backpedaling, and he was intent on stopping it. He wanted his friend back.

Just as he was about to hang up, he heard her on the other end.

"Ellie?"

When she didn't immediately answer him, he was afraid he had woken up her mom or something, but she said his name quietly.

"Hey, you're home."

"Yeah, I'm here."

Her voice was raw, scratchy almost. Looking around at his brothers staring at him from the couch, he picked up the phone and moved to his room, shutting the door behind him. Sitting with his back against the door, he said, "I can't believe you did what you did."

"I can't believe you're calling me to yell at me. That's something Steve would do," she said, but there wasn't much power in her voice. She sounded so drained.

"Why'd you do it? All the way there? For Dally of all people."

There was motion on her end, and he could picture her finding her own quiet place to talk and lean against a wall.

"You don't get it," she said. "You never got it."

"What was there to get? He changed you so much. You've never been the same since him."

"You didn't know him the way I do," she said, but she seemed to change her mind. "The way I did."

"What's to know? He was always the same: mean."

There was a pause for a wet sniff. "Not to me. Not always."

"There's your first problem."

They weren't fighting, not really. It was a quiet conversation, one they'd needed to have for a long time. He felt bad he wasn't having it in person with her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder like she seemed to need right then. But maybe it was better this way. The distance kept both of them from lashing out.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked.

"You always can."

"You promise not to tell anyone? Especially Steve?"

"Especially Steve."

"I didn't see him, Pony. I chickened out and asked for Tim instead."

Something about her relationship with Tim never sat right with him for some reason. Maybe it was because of the way Steve hated him. Maybe because of the way she made it sound like it was a bad idea to talk to Tim over Dally. Either way, he didn't probe into it. He just figured Tim treated her a lot like Dally, and everyone could be a lot angrier with him because he wasn't supposed to be their buddy like Dally was.

"Why?"

"Because I knew he wouldn't lie to me."

"You think we're all lying to you?"

"No, but Pony, you're not fair about it."

"What's there to be fair about?" he asked, his voice still quiet and neutral. "It's all his fault."

She was very quiet for a minute, but he could still hear the soft sniffles coming from her. "What are you talking about?"

He was talking about Dally and Windrixville. Thinking back on it all, Pony couldn't believe Dally would just send them away instead of helping him and Johnny back home. Why did he have to play it out like some big dramatic thing? It was stupid and Johnny had been killed because of it.

"Pony, how can you blame him?"

"You weren't there."

Talking about what happened still gave him an ache he couldn't shake when he thought about Johnny. He didn't want to go into it, so he turned it all back on her.

"What did Tim tell you?"

There was a huge sniff on her end, a long silence. He could picture her on her kitchen floor, phone to her ear, knees pulled up to her chest. Her eyes would be closed.

"That he's a lost cause and that I should forget about him."

"Will you?"

There was so much hesitation in the silence that followed, he was surprised when she actually answered him. "I'm going to try. He's there for another two years, that's a long time."

Her voice cracked a little and for the first time since he called her, he started to really feel for her. She had been fighting for two years to hold on to something that didn't want to be held on to. He could practically hear her heart breaking.

"That's a long time to heal," he told her.

"A lot of lost time to make up. I talked to Wade when I got back. Don't tell him where I was. He worries too much."

The real problem was that he didn't know about Dally, and he could still hear the part of her that wanted to wait for him in that plea. He wouldn't tell Wade, though. The further he kept any mention of Dally from both of them, the better things would be for them.

"I'm really going to try," she said again.

"I'm glad you are. You deserve to be happy, and I know you can be with Wade. I've seen it on your face that you like him. You just won't let yourself."

"I know. I've strung him along long enough, huh?"

Pony laughed a little. "Yeah, he must really like you stick it out through all the torture you've put him through."

"God, am I that bad?"

She was sounding a bit happier.

"You can be, but I guess not bad enough to send him packing."

They were joking with each other, and he was happy about it. If she was really going to let Dally go, they could go back to a kind of normal that he had nearly forgotten ever existed.

"Want to go to a movie tomorrow after school?" he asked.

"Only if you'll play 20 questions with me."

He smiled into the receiver. "That's a deal."

"Sounds like fun," she said. They were getting ready to hang up when she stopped him. "Thank you for calling me."

"Don't disappear no more, okay?"

"I promise."

_Little miss, you'll go far,  
>Little miss, hide your scars,<br>Little miss, who you are is so  
>much more than you like to talk about<em>

* * *

><p><em>AN: When we posted last week, we got something like 12 reviews in one day. There is nothing else to say except that all of you rock. Especially those of you who marathon review. _

_xoxo  
><em>


	16. You're a God and I am Not

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Vertical Horizon owns "You're a God."**

* * *

><p><em>I've got to be honest, I think you know,<br>I'm covered in lies but that's okay  
><em>

**Fall 1968**

Tim ate his lunch in silence, sitting across from Dally, just like they did every day. For whatever reason, sharing a table had become an unspoken agreement. Tim figured it was a matter of survival on both their parts. After all, an evil you know is better than one you don't.

A guy whose name Tim didn't know, but a guy he recognized nonetheless, walked by the table. "Hey, Shepard, who was that little chick that came to see you?"

Tim was mid-bite and glanced up. He noticed Dally froze too. The one place no one should care a thing in the world about him was blowing his planned silence on the matter.

"Someone wasted their time coming to see you?" he asked.

Tim shrugged.

The guy nodded. "Yeah. She was a cute little thing too. Your sister or somethin'?"

Dally scoffed over his mashed potatoes. "Couldn't be his sister then. Besides, we all woulda heard Angel if she were here. Through plate-glass windows and all."

He would have been pissed if that weren't true and if he weren't preoccupied by keeping Ellie's visit quiet.

The guy laughed a little, although he shut up when Tim shot him a look. There were few people in the world allowed to talk about Angel, and he wasn't one of them. Dally really wasn't either, but he let it go.

"Who was she?" he asked again.

"Yeah, Tim," Dally said. "Who was she?"

Tim glanced at Dally, wondering when he became so talkative. He was starting to regret their unspoken agreement to share a table at lunch.

"She your girlfriend or something?" asked the other guy.

"No, she ain't my girlfriend. Just a girl."

"Well, she was a cute one. If she ain't your girlfriend or your sister, you tell her my name next time she comes to see you, will ya?"

"Get the fuck outta here." Tim shot him a look that sent him on his way. He watched him stumble on to another table and sit down. When he looked away from the guy, his eyes settled briefly on Dally who was staring at him, nothing but pure hate in his eyes.

"Who was it?"

Tim shrugged. "Nobody."

Dally turned his attention back to his food, so Tim did the same. He was almost finished when Dally spoke up again.

"It was Ellie."

It wasn't a question which threw Tim off enough that he didn't immediately deny it. By the time he did, Dally just gave him a look.

"You're such a bad fucking liar," he said. "What was she doing here?"

"I don't know, she just showed up."

Dally stared at him, and for the first time, Tim wanted to know what was going on in that head of his.

"What'd she say?"

"I don't know. Not a whole lot."

"Why'd she come see you?"

Dally might have looked like he didn't care, but the disgust in his voice was unmistakable. Maybe he was even jealous about it all.

"Maybe because you're the asshole who can't answer a letter."

It didn't faze him. Dally just kept it up.

"What'd she say about me?"

"Who says she said anything about you?"

Dally snorted. "Come on. We both know she said something about me. I doubt she came here to shoot shit with you."

"She didn't say much," Tim replied. "In fact, I think she's got a boyfriend back home. One that ain't you."

He smirked a little but it looked bitter. "Boyfriend, huh? Figured as much."

Tim didn't know what to make of that, and even if he wanted to ask – which he didn't – Dally was already crossing the cafeteria to deposit his tray by the garbage cans.

XXX

The bell jingled as someone walked into the store, but Soda never looked up from the magazine he was reading. If someone needed him, they would have to interrupt him.

"Aren't you supposed to help me or something?"

He was surprised - and annoyed - to see Evie standing at the counter.

"You've hung around here long enough, I'm sure you can figure it out."

"My God, Steve's really rubbed off on you."

Soda just glared at her and went back to reading his magazine. "You can just forget about whatever you're here to say."

"Jesus, Soda, you can't even hear me out?"

Closing the magazine, Soda tossed it up on the counter and glared at her a little more. "Since you and Steve knew everything and didn't bother to tell me any of it, I don't see why I need to hear you out. It's too late, Evie."

He hoped that would be enough to drive her away, but she planted her feet instead.

"She did it for you, you know? Her dad hated you and she went out with the other boy as a cover. That was all I knew," she said. "Except that she only had eyes for you. It killed her, Soda."

"Thanks. I know all that. I heard it from her."

"So why are you still so mad at Steve right now? She was always the one that needed to tell you, not him."

Soda stood up, pushing his chair back and causing her to jump back a little.

"It wasn't her fault they made her go away. When she went and stopped talking to me? That was when you two shoulda said something."

Evie rolled her eyes. "This is what I don't get. What good would it have done? Everything would have happened the same way."

"He was my best friend."

"You know what?" Her voice softened, "He was trying to protect you. Trying to keep you from feeling any worse than you already did. He was being your friend then. Maybe more than you have ever cared to notice."

She headed for the door, calling over her shoulder as she walked out.

"You don't deserve a friend like him."

XXX

Two-Bit had just about given up all hope that the cute blonde from the perfume counter was going to take her lunch break when he finally spotted her heading to the break room. He was still waiting for Joe, the other security guard, to get back from his lunch before he could take his own. He paced the floor of the women's department, taking breaks from studying his watch to studying the door to the employee's lounge.

He was pretty sure his shot with the girl was all but blown when Joe finally came strolling back.

"Where'd you go for lunch?" Two-Bit asked. "Mexico?"

Joe answered him, but he had more important things to do than listen to him. He had a girl to ask out.

He was relieved to find her still eating her lunch. He played it as cool as he could, knowing he didn't have much time. Glancing around the room, he was happy to see there were only a couple other people around.

"Mind if I sit here?" he asked.

She glanced up and then back to her magazine. "No, that's fine."

"I'm Two-Bit."

She finally looked back at him as if she was trying to figure out if he was serious. "I'm Jeannie."

"Jeannie, huh?" A grin spread across his face. "Think I could make a couple wishes and they'd come true?"

Studying him for a moment, she eventually cracked a very fake smile as she stood up. "You could make a couple wishes, but I don't think they'll come true."

His grin faltered as she gathered her food and her magazine and walked out of the room. He heard someone laugh behind him, and he turned around to see who thought his conversation was so funny. He found a girl, maybe about his age, leaned against the counter, eating an apple and reading a book. Or at least, she had been reading before she found his rejection so interesting.

"Is that a funny book?" he asked.

She tried to hide the smile on her face but it only made her laugh louder.

"You know, I don't really see what was so funny about any of that," he said, walking over to her. She stood about a foot shorter than him, and he thought she worked in the jewelry department.

"Oh, let's see. A blonde girl named Jeannie. I'm sure she hasn't heard about a million and one 'I Dream of Jeannie' jokes. Yes," she said with a nod. "That was definitely a good move."

He eyed her carefully before he finally smirked. "Yeah, I guess you could say that wasn't my best line."

"You think?"

"What line should I have used?"

"Sorry, I'm a little rusty with my pick-up lines since girls don't use them."

He cocked his eyebrow. "See? Even if my pick-up lines don't always work, at least I had one. You didn't even try."

"You call what you did back there trying?"

"You think I should have tried harder?"

"I think if you tried any harder, you would have embarrassed yourself more than you already did," she replied with a smile.

He couldn't help but grin. She was pretty cute, even if she wasn't a blonde. "My name's Two-Bit."

"I know."

He gestured to the table where he had been sitting. "So you overheard my entire conversation with the genie?"

"Even if I hadn't, I think you'd have to go pretty far from Oklahoma to find someone who didn't know you."

"Sorry," he said, frowning as he studied her face, "do we actually know each other?"

"Not really. Maybe a little. I think we went to middle school together. I'm Carolyn Jacobs."

"Were we in the same grade?"

"For a couple of years. Before you were held back."

She seemed to lose her spunk when she said that, so he grinned. "Before I was held back? Which time?"

"The first time, I think."

"Sorry, Carolyn. I guess I've got a pretty bad memory."

"That's all right. You never really paid much attention to any girl that didn't have blonde hair," she said with a shrug as she pointed to her own auburn hair. She grinned again. "I guess you haven't changed much, have you?"

"What can I say, sweetheart? I'm set in my ways."

"It sure seems that way."

He considered what he was going to ask Jeannie and figured he couldn't waste his break without at least trying to get a date. "Hey, would you wanna go bowling this weekend? A bunch of my friends are going. It could be a lot of fun."

She had a cool smile on her face. "You're asking me out?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Was that your pick-up line?"

He shrugged. "I figured you wouldn't be the type of girl to fall for some cheesy pick-up line."

"But I thought you always had a pick-up line."

He fought back a smirk. "It's not so easy to come up with a line when your name isn't the same as a genie."

"Oh, Two-Bit. I think you'll need to try a little harder than that."

She tossed her apple in the trash as she walked out of the room, but he didn't miss the smile on her face.

"Is that really a no?" he called after her.

"For this weekend, it is. Maybe some other time, though."

He grinned as he headed back to work, glad he had run into her.

XXX

For the better part of an hour after he got off work, Steve drove around, trying to find an excuse to avoid talking to Soda. If he put it off again, it would be about the tenth day in a row he had chickened out. Not that he was scared, really, he just didn't want to face it. He still couldn't tell if he was wrong or not about what he knew about Sandy, but he sure as hell knew that Soda owed him an apology for the sucker punch.

Deciding today was the day, Steve drove toward the DX. Soda wouldn't be off for another hour, and he was willing to bet that he could use a little help in the garage.

When he pulled up, Soda was pumping gas for some rich-looking guy. He parked where he used to park when he worked there and got out, leaning against the back of his car until Soda stood a few yards away from him as the guy drove away.

"Your girlfriend was already here," he said. "Leave me alone."

Soda walked back into the garage, and Steve followed him.

"You're not the only one with reasons to be pissed off."

He doubted Soda even heard him with the way he was tossing things around. He threw three empty oil cans into the garbage, pushed around a metal barrel full of junk, seemingly doing anything just to make noise. Steve leaned into the wall, crossing his arms and waiting until he was done. When he finally was, he closed the garage door and headed back into the store. Steve followed.

"You can't take a hint, can you?" Soda asked.

"No, I can. I just don't want to."

"What then?"

It was hard to face him like this when they used to have so much fun. Soda had always been his best buddy, the one guy he knew he could count on no matter what. Now, he seemed like he was just fading away, and Steve didn't want that.

"You ever heard how Evie tells a story, especially one she didn't see first hand? It's like she's heard three different people tell it three different ways and then she came up with her own version," Steve said. "So when she told me the stuff she knew about Sandy, I didn't want to tell you because she made it seem like she'd been with half the guys in Tulsa."

Judging by the way Soda was glaring at him and wringing the rag in his hands, he had worded that all wrong. He was digging himself deeper.

"I couldn't have told you something like that? Something that I heard from Evie who heard from someone else."

"Anyone else would have."

"Not really. No one stepped up to tell Ellie that Dally cheated on her."

"Stop changing the subject," Soda said. "And if I remember that right, you were on the side that didn't want to tell her at all because what you really wanted to tell her was 'I told you so.'"

Shit, he really had a bad track record with this sort of thing, and he quickly tried to come up with an excuse to dig himself out.

"That was different. I never had to tell you anything like that. I liked you guys together. You were happy which was why I couldn't figure out a way to tell you."

Soda tossed the rag behind the desk. "You still should have."

"Would it have really made a difference? Seems like you had your mind pretty well made up about her no matter what she did or didn't do."

"If I had known the truth from the get-go, maybe things wouldn't have ended up the way they did. I could have at least decided to go see her knowing all the information."

That was food for thought, but he still didn't think he was too much in the wrong. He was really just trying to protect his friend.

"You know, it's like how you got your new job and you didn't tell me until you were going," Soda said.

Steve looked down at his brown King's work shirt and then carefully at Soda's faded blue DX shirt.

"I get that King's is a better job and all, but was it really that bad here? We ran this place."

How many hours did he spend with Soda behind that counter just shooting the shit? Playing cards, talking about every girl they ever knew? Those were some of the best times he had just sitting there with him, being buds, making plans that he was finally moving on with even if Soda wasn't.

"There isn't ever going to be a better place than this," Steve acknowledged, flattening his hands on the counter. "But things change, Soda. You gotta change with them."

"Change I can deal with," Soda said. "Just not when it comes every few months like it has been lately."

Steve tried to figure out what it was Soda couldn't handle. "What's going on that you can't deal with?"

Soda sighed. "Everyone moving on."

"Oh, come on Soda, we're all right here."

"No, we're not. Ever since Johnny died, everyone's gone crazy. Not all in a bad way, I guess, but it just seems like everyone got something or somebody they could move on with. I'm gonna be stuck here forever, unless the draft gets me first."

Anytime someone mentioned the draft, Steve felt like his turn was next.

"Don't talk like that. Please," he said.

"Why not? It's true. Darry's got Allison. Pony'll go to college, and you've got Evie. What do I have?"

"Nothing less than any one of us."

It was easy to tell him that he could have anything he wanted, but Steve didn't know where to tell him to start. Soda never left Sandy behind even though she'd moved on. He didn't have any other job to go to, and he didn't seem to want to.

"Count your blessings, Soda. You ain't been in jail like Two-Bit, and you're not as crazy as Ellie."

"She's not crazy."

"Fine, she's just an emotional wreck."

It made him feel a little better when Soda laughed at that.

"I think I'm in the same boat."

He sat down in the chair behind the register heavily. By the looks of it, his thoughts were far away.

"Can I tell you something?"

Soda looked up at him, silently giving him the go ahead.

"I know you had something with Sandy. I saw it, I really did, but it's over now. You went there, she told you that much. She wants you to give up and let go, and that probably means that she's okay. Now you have to be okay."

"But there's Peter ..."

It was hard for him to imagine Soda being a father, and it must have been equally as difficult for Sandy as well. Steve would never tell Soda to his face that right now, he probably couldn't do much to provide for the kid. Sandy was doing him a hell of a favor, and eventually Soda would see that.

"He's still little now. Do what you can, and maybe she'll let you see him. Get your life straightened out here. That part's up to you, but that's the only part."

"How'd everything get so messed up?"

There was no way to trace everything back to a single point, but Steve figured most of it got so bad because of Pony and Johnny running away. It was like a tipping point for everything that had gone wrong in the last couple of years. At least, it made everything else so much harder.

"I don't know, buddy, it just did. Don't mean you can't try and fix what you can."

He nodded and the bell rang as another car pulled up for gas. Soda pulled himself up and fixed his hat.

"Guess I better get that."

He walked toward the door but stopped when he was halfway out.

"Hey, Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry about punching you. I was really out of my mind."

Reflexively, Steve rubbed his jaw and smiled. "No harm done."

Soda grinned and went out. From the window, he watched his buddy work and hoped that maybe they were back on good terms. It sure had been a long time since they were on the same page.

XXX

The bowling alley was hopping, and they were all there. The minute Allison found out that Ellie's birthday fell just ten days after his, she insisted they go all out and do something. Maybe it was because Allison seemed to be big on birthdays and such, or maybe it was because she realized that Ellie hadn't spoken more than a few words to him in weeks.

He watched her all cozy beside Wade from his seat near the ball return and sighed.

Darry came down, helping Lizzie with a bowling ball. "Maybe you oughta talk to her now, Soda."

Looking up at his big brother, he asked, "How much of this is you saying I should, and how much is Allison telling you to tell me I should?"

"Probably a little of both."

He helped Lizzie line up the ball and tried to get her to heave the ball down the lane, but she wanted to set it on the floor and push it. Soda smiled because all Darry could do was let her, and the ball rolled so slowly down the lane, he was afraid it would get stuck.

Bored with waiting on the ball to roll, Soda looked up and watched Ellie again. She was good at the silent treatment, and he had tried to find her a good birthday present to make up for it, but he had come up short. He had no idea what to get her, and he figured Wade would probably go all out anyway. All he could come up with was the money he owed her, and he still only came up with about half.

Darry walked into his line of sight, Lizzie in his arms. "Just go make up with her. Please?"

Forcing himself up, he walked to her table, and she barely acknowledged him.

"Can I talk to you?"

Wade got up quickly, leaving her before she could tell him to stay. She clearly didn't want to talk to him, but Soda sat down in Wade's empty chair anyway.

"I'm sorry."

She looked at him angrily. "For what?"

It wasn't an innocent question. She knew exactly what he meant, she just wasn't going to make it so easy for him to apologize.

"For being a jerk."

"You know that I bent over backward for you, and then when I really needed you to be on my side it was like you threw me to the wolves."

"I know. It was -"

"Selfish," she finished for him. "You were the one who was supposed to really understand, remember? You didn't even try. I wasn't even asking you for anything."

Soda looked down at his hands, at a loss for words. It was hard to hear how awful he had been to her.

Ellie continued, her tone a little softer. "It's really your fault, you know? I wasn't even really thinking about him until you kept bringing him up."

In all honesty, he found it hard to believe she had already given up on Dally, but he readily admitted to himself that he had baited her a bit. He still believed she was the only one who would have helped him.

"Did you see him then? You never did tell me."

This time she looked her hands, her long hair falling free from behind her ear. She looked up a minute, probably looking for Wade, and then back at him.

"He wouldn't see me."

The hurt in her eyes seemed as bad as the way he had been feeling after Sandy. It wasn't easy being pushed away, even worse being denied completely.

"I guess that's his answer," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said. Looking over his shoulder, he watched Wade and Pony race to get their bowling balls down the two lanes. "So does this mean you're full on with Wade? Steady and all?"

"Trying to be."

"Working out?"

She nodded but didn't say anything more than that about it.

"I should have gone with you," he said.

"I was okay by myself, and it was probably better that I was. But can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, anything."

"Just be my friend."

It was a simple request, and it was something he was bound and determined to stick to.

"As long as you'll be mine."

She smiled and nodded behind him. He looked and saw Steve sitting at a table arm wrestling with Two-Bit.

"Are you guys talking again?"

"Yeah, we're getting there," he said.

"Good, I can't stand it when you two fight. It's not natural," she said. Her eyes narrowed and her cheeks turned a little red. "Oh, God. Here comes Allison with a huge cake."

Soda turned around just as she set it down and waved everyone over. They both got up and Soda stuck his hand out.

"Truce?"

Ellie shook his and said, "Truce."

They stood side-by-side, staring at the two sets of candles on the cake: 19 for him, 18 for her. Everyone sang and cheered them on as they blew out their candles. Soda wished for everything to just be okay for a little while.

XXX

Dally sat on the edge of his bunk and pulled out the crumpled letters from under his pillow. The paper had torn and the writing had smudged, but he could still read everything they said. He had held onto the first letter she sent and for some reason, he kept the last one she ever sent, too. It was hard to believe that she kept to her word in her last letter, that she was done with him and all. Part of him didn't believe she'd actually give up, that another letter would follow the scathing one, apologizing and begging for him to just let her know he was okay. She must have known he wouldn't ever do it.

He couldn't help but wonder why Ellie had come to visit Tim of all people. He wasn't sure what had happened between them, but he knew enough that she hated his guts. The fact that she still came and saw Tim pissed him off. He just couldn't figure out the reasoning behind it. He wasn't even sure there was a reason for it. It was Ellie, after all. She did all kinds of shit without thinking about it.

His eyes glanced over the letters in his hands but didn't let himself read them again. He thought about what Tim had told him. Of course she had a boyfriend, why wouldn't she? She was always quick to move on anyway.

That just made it all easier, though. He wouldn't owe her anything, not even the night out he made her promise to. Nope, when he got out, there wouldn't be any reason for him to go back to Tulsa now.

_But I've been unable to put you down,  
>I'm still learning things I ought to know by now.<em>


	17. Move Along

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. The All-American Rejects own "Move Along."**

* * *

><p><em>When all you got to keep is strong,<br>Move along, move along like I know you do_

**November 1968  
><strong>

"Hey, Wade, can I ask you something?" Pony asked, watching outside for any sign of the girls.

They were drinking Cokes inside of Jay's while they waited for Ellie and Cathy to meet up with them, and Wade tipped his cowboy hat back a little.

"Sure."

"I've been sending away for college applications, and I don't really want my brothers to run across them before I send them away. Do you think I could keep them at your house?"

Wade wiped at his forehead as he considered Pony's question.

"Yeah. How come you don't want them to see 'em?"

"Well, I've been thinking about where I want to go to school and I don't think it's Oklahoma."

"Haven't you been talking about going to OU for a while now?"

Pony shrugged. "My brothers keep talking about it. They just sort of assumed I'd go somewhere like that if I get scholarships to pay the tuition."

"Well, you've got the grades and extracurriculars to get those scholarships, so that's not the problem. Why don't you want to go there?"

Pony studied the beads of condensation running down the side of his Coke as he thought of the best way to put his thoughts into words. "You ever feel like you were stuck somewhere?"

"How do you mean stuck?"

"I guess what I mean is … do you ever feel like there's something out there that you're missing out on?"

Wade smiled a little, but Pony knew Wade was from a small town. He never seemed to want anything more than what was in front of him.

"I don't wanna sound stupid, but out where?"

"Never mind, it's a dumb question."

"No, it's not. You mean, outside of Tulsa?"

"Outside of Oklahoma, even."

He seemed to seriously consider that for a while before he answered. "Sure, I guess. Sometimes I wonder what I'm missing in Texas."

"See, Wade, I've never been out of Oklahoma before and for some reason, that's been eating me up lately."

"Why lately?"

"I don't know."

"Because of Soda going all the way to Florida?"

Pony studied Wade for a minute and grinned. He never gave the kid enough credit. "Yeah, that's what sparked it. I know it didn't do Soda much good, but I guess it's just got me thinking about how there's a lot more out there than just Oklahoma. And Johnny ... "

Wade didn't say anything and Pony continued his thought.

"Johnny died only going as far as Windrixville. I gotta get out of here. Just to see things, you know?"

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. Just away from here."

"What's so bad about here?"

"Nothing," he said, although most everything he could think of lately were all the bad things that filled the last few years of his life. "Nothing's bad about Tulsa. I'd just like to know that I've got options outside of Tulsa."

"If you've sent away for applications, haven't your brothers seen them?"

Pony kept his eyes on his soda when he smiled sheepishly. "I got a box down at the post office."

"Just so they won't see a couple college applications?"

"You don't really know my oldest brother all that well," Pony said.

"Darry? No, I guess I don't, but he seems like a good guy."

"Sure, sure. He is. It's just … he doesn't really understand stuff like this, you know? I don't think he would be happy I'm looking at schools in New York."

Wade's eyes widened. "New York?"

Pony nodded.

"That's awful far, ain't it?"

"That's kind of the point."

"Wow. When you meant somewhere outside of Oklahoma, I thought you meant Kansas or something. New York? Wow."

"I'm just considering it," he said. "I haven't decided where I want to go. Hell, I don't even know if I'll be accepted if I decide to apply."

"You could probably get in anywhere," Wade said.

Pony shrugged. "We'll see. If I bring those applications to your house tomorrow, do you mind hanging on to them?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"And, Wade? Can you not say anything to Ellie about this? Just keep it between you and me? I don't want to make a big deal about nothing. That way, if I don't get accepted anywhere besides OU, it won't be so embarrassing," he added with a smile.

"Sure," Wade said. "I won't say a word."

XXX

Wade's warm hand latched onto hers as they walked through his neighborhood on their way back to his house after hanging out at Jay's.

As they walked, he talked and talked. She was just in tune with him enough to know it was because he was nervous about something. She was going to wait on him to figure out, though. As he went on, she looked at the houses, the kempt lawns and decent cars where whole families lived. It left her feeling envious, and she stared at the sidewalk as they went on.

"So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

She looked at him, saw the blind hope on his face and shrugged.

"Probably not much. Maybe go eat with Pony and them, or with Two-Bit and his mom and Steve. Just depends," she said.

"You don't do anything with your family?" He sounded so perplexed.

"Wade, even though you haven't exactly met my mom, I think you should realize that she's not going to be winning any awards for mom of the year. She's never been in the running either," Ellie said. The very idea of her mom cooking a whole Thanksgiving dinner was laughable. "She'll go with Jimmy to his mom's house."

"Don't you go?"

"Once and never again."

"How come?"

It was funny how he seemed to immediately wince when he said that. She had definitely snapped at him one too many times for prying. This time she wouldn't, though.

"I think Jimmy is the way he is because of his mother, and she really doesn't like me," Ellie told him. "They're just more of the same, and I don't want anything to do with them."

"Oh," he said.

It was clear that he couldn't wrap his mind around people not being nice to each other over a holiday, or in general. She leaned into him a little, making him sway as he walked. He grinned and leaned back.

"Maybe … you think you'd wanna spend Thanksgiving with my family? We're having it at our house and some of my aunts and uncles and cousins are coming. They're all fun, but they get kind of crazy when they're all together. Usually, one of them says something that makes someone else mad," he said sheepishly.

She smiled to herself and thought about it for a half a minute, just long enough that she wouldn't have time to find herself an excuse. "I'd love to."

XXX

Sharp nails threatened to poke through the skin on his arm, through his coat no less.

"What do you mean you don't want to get married?"

Steve looked from Evie to the front door of the Mathews' house. He knew this conversation would end in a fight, and he wasn't sure why he decided to have it before they all had dinner together.

"Evie, you were the one that told me you weren't ready."

"Well, now I am," she snapped.

"And now I'm not."

She glared at him. "Then you never really were."

He glared right back. "Everything would've been fine if we would've just gotten married when we said we were. You kept pushing everything back. Why can't I do the same thing?"

"Are we breaking up?"

His jaw dropped. No they weren't breaking up, but he needed to figure somethings out before he married her.

"Shit, Evie, are you serious? No, we aren't breaking up. I'm just saying we wait a while before we get married. Why would we be breaking up?"

"Because you don't want to marry me."

Evie looked like she was actually going to cry and he literally wanted to beat his head on the steering wheel. It couldn't do anymore damage than the crazy logic Evie was operating on at the moment.

"And you were in the same boat a few months ago. Did you want to break up with me then?" he asked as calmly as he could muster.

"No," she said. "I just don't understand what you want."

"Well, right back at you, sweetheart. Can we go eat now?"

"Fine."

He could tell by the way she slammed the car door that he was going to be getting the cold shoulder for the rest of the night. It was dumb and he couldn't explain it. There was absolutely no one else he pictured himself with for the rest of his life, and yet neither one of them could figure it out. Maybe they were too young or maybe he was just scared now that he knew she had been scared. It was all a complicated tangle of problems that he simply couldn't navigate. Plus, he didn't have a ring for her.

He was just glad the pumpkin pie she had been holding in her lap hadn't ended up smashed in his face.

XXX

The house smelled as good as Thanksgiving dinners his mom used to cook, and Darry couldn't help but smile to himself about it. Something about the prospect of having a wife and daughter brought out good things in him and good memories to boot.

"Hey, Darry, can I talk to you for a minute?" Pony asked, poking his head into the kitchen from the hallway.

Darry put set the dish on the stove, surveying the kitchen. Most everything was taken care of except for the potatoes which Lizzie was helping Allison mash. It was the first real Thanksgiving dinner they were having since his parents died, and he felt proud of the way it was falling together.

"Sure, kid," he said, wiping his hands on a dishrag as he met Pony in the hallway. "What is it?"

He held up a copy of Reader's Digest. "I was waiting until I got a copy to tell you. I won that writing contest I entered."

Darry rubbed at his forehead. "You won? They printed your story?"

"Well, the watered down version because it could only be so long." He flipped through the pages. "It's right in here."

"You know what this means, Pone? You're published."

Staring at the clean lines and printed words, Darry was at a loss. It shocked him a little to see Pony's name under the title _The Outsiders_, and seeing his own name in places in the text

Pony smiled. "Yeah, I know."

"Can I keep this?"

"Sure. My Syme sent me a few copies."

Darry skimmed the page, wanting to read the story but couldn't seem to take his eyes off his little brother's name on the page. "Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?"

"Yeah," he said with a grin. "I think so."

He wrapped Pony up in a bear hug. "Mom and Dad would be, too."

He nodded. "You know I get a cash prize for this story?"

"Yeah?"

"Mr. Syme said I should get it in the mail next week. It'll be a nice addition to my college fund, huh?"

"Kid, you know it. Guess we've got a few things to be thankful for this year."

Darry put his arm around the kid's shoulders and pulled him into the kitchen to help finish dinner before Allison's mom showed up.

XXX

Two-Bit and Steve sat on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette, while Mrs. Mathews, Lucy and Evie finished getting dinner ready. Mrs. Mathews had tried to shoo Evie out there with him and Two-Bit, but she wasn't having any of it.

"I noticed Evie's in a great mood," Two-Bit said, leaning against the house.

Steve groaned. "Fucking tell me about it."

"Trouble in paradise?"

He wouldn't have minded wiping that grin off his friend's face, but he was too hungry. "After I graduated, we planned on getting hitched, right? Then when I graduate, she tells me she wants to wait. Now she drops the bomb on me that she's ready to get married, and when I tell her I'm not ready, she thinks this means we're breaking up. What is it with girls?"

"Who knows how girls think? How come you don't wanna get married now?"

Steve shrugged. "Maybe it's that I got myself all amped up that things were going to go a certain way. When they didn't, I guess I got used to the way they were. It's not like I don't want to eventually marry her. I can't really see things going any other way."

"Well, blockhead, did you try telling Evie all that? Maybe she wouldn't be so mad if you did."

Steve glanced toward the backdoor. "You think I can tell her anything when she's mad like this? She's worse than a cat with its claws out. Maybe she'll calm down over dinner."

Two-Bit smirked, and Steve studied him for a minute.

"How's work going? Catching a lot of shoplifters?"

His smirk turned into a grin. "It's not a bad gig, you know. It's such a nice part of town, there aren't too many shoplifters that come in. And trust me, they stick out like a sore thumb when they do."

"What do you do all day?"

"I walk around. Look at all the things I can't ever afford to buy. Talk to people."

"Sounds right up your alley."

He nodded. "It is. Plus there's this real cute girl that works at the jewelry counter."

Steve laughed. "I figured there had to be a girl involved in this somehow. How come she's not here?"

"We haven't actually gone out yet. She's fun, though. Real cute."

"Blonde?"

Two-Bit was practically beaming when he said, "Redhead."

Steve raised his eyebrows. "I never thought you'd trade in your blondes. She must be something."

"She sure is."

XXX

With Dally having figured out Ellie visited him over a month ago, that left Tim without the only company he had in the whole prison. Not that he minded too much, since Dally wasn't much to talk to and he didn't really want to talk to him anyway. Although, it drove him nuts to have Dally of all people ignore him. Dally was predictable. He always liked to get in Tim's way, fuck up his shit. But there he was, sitting on the other side of the cafeteria.

Tim stabbed at his food with his fork. It was Thanksgiving, and they were all lead to believe that the food was specially cooked for them, but Tim knew better. No one was going to put the effort forth to make sure a bunch of cons had a nice meal. It was a little better than their normal food, but it sure wasn't anywhere near as good as the worst Thanksgiving dinner being served on someone's table.

As Tim worked on his turkey, he saw Dally get up and carry his tray to the trash and then turn toward his table. Dally sat down across from him and Tim raised an eyebrow in question.

"You lost?"

"Nope."

"Then why are you over here for the first time in a month?"

"Didn't know you were keeping track."

This seemed a bit more normal for them, and Tim kept it going.

"Nothing else to do in this hell hole. Fucking time is all there is."

Dally looked bored and nodded. "Yeah, fucking time."

"What in the hell are you complaining about? By the time you get out of here I'll probably still have another four or five years."

He scratched his head and didn't say much else for a little while. Tim continued on his Thanksgiving dinner and all but gave up on the food and went for the slice of pumpkin pie. Two bites in and Dally started up again.

"Did you make up that shit about her?"

Only moving his eyes up to meet Dally's, he shook his head slowly.

"She's really dating some kid?"

Tim nodded.

"Dead serious and moved on?"

Tim set down his fork. "When was the last time you even talked to her? She's dumb as hell for sticking out as long as she did."

"Never as dumb as she was for going out with you. What a fucking joke."

Without another word, he got up and walked back to the table he started at. Tim watched him for a minute or two. For the first time their roles were reversed. Tim was under Dally's skin.

XXX

Thanksgiving with Wade was an experience. She had gone, so nervous she was certain she would never be able to force food into her stomach, but it was different than she had imagined. She thought it would be a ton of aunts pinching her cheeks, telling her how adorable she was and everyone making a huge deal that Wade brought a girl, but it wasn't. She had met everyone, who regarded her with a smile and a hug. No big fuss at all. If anything, they were left alone to mingle. It was actually wonderful.

When it was time for Wade to take her home, she received the same warm hugs and sweet words as he did, ushering them out into the chilly night. His mom sent her home with a plate of left over turkey, insisting they had more than they could eat.

Wade opened the car door for her, and she could feel at least a dozen sets of eyes watching from the windows. She found she didn't mind. Wade deserved as much praise as he could get for being a decent boy.

He drove slowly, she noticed, and she scooted over and sat close to him, resting her head on his shoulder as he drove.

"Your family is really nice."

She felt him shrug. "I like them, but I didn't choose them. You're lucky Aunt Marty didn't have another glass of wine. You should see her when she has a little too much."

She heard the thread of embarrassment in his voice. "That's not so bad."

"No one's perfect," he said.

_No one but you_, she thought. At least in just about every way possible.

Ellie lifted her head and looked at him. He had left his cowboy hat in his room for the evening, and his hair was neatly combed and recently cut. She was sure his mom did not like the longer hair he had been sporting and made him clean up before all of the relatives came.

"What?" he asked, looking from the road to her and back at the road again.

"I've just never met someone like you," she said.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Now that she was doing everything she could to press thoughts of waiting for Dallas away, she found herself actually appreciating things about Wade that had bothered her before, all for the simple fact that he wasn't Dally.

"It's a good thing. Did you know that I've never met any of my boyfriends' parents before you?"

"Boyfriends? That's plural?"

Of course he would pick up on that. Wade really only knew about Tim, and she wasn't about to offer up information on Dally just yet, if ever.

He said, "I'm clearly out of my league here. Since the beginning, huh?"

"I'm just not used to being treated the way you treat me."

She was surprised when he pulled over, putting the car in park. He turned to her and looked at her head on.

"What?" She felt uncomfortable with the way he was staring at her.

"I'm not so clueless that I don't see how much crap you and your friends have been through," he started. "It's not fair, but tell me something. Why would you date guys that would hurt you?"

"I didn't do it on purpose," she said, wanting to be mad at him but finding that she wasn't. "You don't know a person until you really know them."

Wade just stared at her.

"I found out too late about some people, but it's not all them. It's not all their fault."

"Tim?"

Part of her wondered if Pony told Wade about her visit to Tim at the prison, but she decided against it. Pony wanted as little to do with Dally as possible. He would never bring him up. Wade just remembered every little thing she ever said. He actually listened.

"It's complicated, but I forgave him. I know he didn't mean it."

"Mean what?"

For a minute, she considered opening that can of worms and telling Wade about Tim, but she didn't. It was over, and she had moved on.

"Just know that I think he would do anything he ever could to help me if I needed it."

He scratched his head, looking stumped. "Why do I have the feeling Tim hasn't been the problem all along?"

Dally was between them again. Wade had known it all along even though he never knew anything at all. Looking at him, she squashed Dally's face out of her mind and said, "You know something?"

"What?"

"You're the nicest boy I have ever known," she said. "Maybe not nicer than Johnny because I don't know if anyone was nicer than him. You two would have gotten along real well."

He looked so perplexed that she couldn't help but kissing him.

"I don't deserve you," she said in his ear.

One of his hands brushed her hair away from her cheek, the other arm firmly around her.

"Yes, you do," he said with conviction.

Then he kissed her in such a way it was impossibly difficult to break away so he could take her home.

_Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving,  
>All the pain held in your hands shaking cold,<br>Your hands are mine to hold._


	18. Secrets

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. OneRepublic owns "Secrets."**

**As always, thanks for all the awesome feedback you guys leave every week. We appreciate it more than you know.**

* * *

><p><em>Amazing that we got this far<br>It's like we're chasing all those stars_

**December 31, 1968**

Soda spun Evie away from him and then pulled her back quickly as the music picked up the tempo.

"I'm glad you came with Steve tonight," he said when she was closer to him.

She just shrugged a little.

"Come on. You can't still be mad at him, can you?"

"Sure, I can."

He glanced over and between the heads of his friends dancing in his living room, trying to find Steve. He was nowhere to be found which meant he was probably outside on the porch. Any other night, he would be cutting in on the two of them, giving Soda a hard time about trying to move in on his girl. Not tonight, though.

"So, are you two gonna break up?"

She shook her head.

"You're just going to keep dating and being mad at each other, not talking and all that jazz?"

"It's worked so far."

"Evie, all Steve did was tell you the truth which is exactly what you did to him in the first place."

She eyed him carefully for a moment before she answered. "I didn't know you guys talked all that much anymore."

"Just the important stuff," he replied with a wink.

"This is different."

"How?"

"I think I liked it better when you two weren't talking, Sodapop."

He smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "Would you please talk to him? I don't want you two to break up because of something stupid."

"Not wanting to get married isn't a stupid reason to break up."

"But breaking up when you still love each other is. Think about it, all right?"

She shrugged again, but Soda thought he might have gotten through to her.

XXX

Steve puffed away on another cigarette as he sat on the porch step. He looked back when the door opened, expecting to see Soda or Two-Bit. He was surprised when he found Evie standing there.

"Mind if I sit down?" she asked.

He scooted over to give her plenty of room. "Go ahead."

They sat quietly for a long time, Steve feeling more and more awkward as the minutes dragged on.

"I'm sorry for the way I reacted," she finally said. "You know, before, when you told me you didn't want to marry me."

She kept her eyes on something straight ahead of her, refusing to look at him, even as he sat there studying her.

"I didn't say I never want to marry you, Evie. I just don't think right now is a good time."

She nodded a little. He thought he might have seen her lip quiver, but it was dark out and he wasn't sure.

He scooted closer to her until their legs were touching. He nudged her a little with his knee. "Think you'll still want to marry me eventually?"

"Probably."

"Only probably?" he asked quietly, his lips close to her neck.

She seemed to shudder a little, and he knew she had been ready to cry until now. He didn't have to look at her face to know she was okay. "No. We'll get married," she said matter-of-factly.

He kissed her jawline, right near where she had dabbed on her perfume. "You know I love you, don't you? Always have."

"Always will?"

His lips trailed further from her jaw and down onto her neck. "Always."

"I love you, too, Stevie."

XXX

Darry pulled a chair away from the table and stepped up onto it. He didn't have a clue as to what he was doing, just that it was long overdue. The ring felt heavy in his hand, and he wondered if Allison would even agree to marry him after he made a fool out of himself in front of everybody.

All of their friends were there, plus a few acquaintances of Soda, Two-Bit and Pony. It felt nice to have the house full of people, even though he would have preferred to keep the proposal to those closest to him. He needed to do something big, though.

It was just a few minutes until midnight, and most everybody was dancing. A couple of them noticed him, first Pony, who elbowed Soda, until practically everyone was staring at him.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt," he said, feeling wobbly on the unstable kitchen chair. "Thanks for coming everybody. I hope you're having a good time."

He looked at Soda who had the biggest grin on his face that Darry had ever seen. They all knew what he was planning on doing. He scanned the faces and spotted Allison on the other side of the living room.

"Since everyone was here, I thought this would be the best time for this. Allison, can you come here for a minute?"

He heard somebody whistle, either Two-Bit or Steve, but he stayed focused on her face. She looked a little flushed from all the attention, but she made her way across the room. As far as he was concerned, she was the only one in it.

"This is a long time coming. I think we both know that, but I wanted to ask you now, before midnight, because I don't want there to be another year that you aren't my wife." He fumbled with the box in his hand before he opened it. "Will you marry me, Allison?"

There was so much hooting and hollering that he wasn't sure she even heard his question, and he certainly couldn't hear her response, but the look on her face was enough. He couldn't climb off the chair fast enough to kiss her.

"Was that a yes?" he finally asked.

She kissed him one more time. "Of course it was a yes."

"There's been about a million times I wanted to ask you. Figured tonight was as memorable as any other."

He wrapped his arm around her and kept her tucked tightly against his side, only letting go of her long enough for both of them to hug everybody.

Soda clapped him hard on the back. "Congratulations, man."

Ellie was already inspecting the ring before she hugged Allison. She moved onto Darry and whispered to him, "That was a sweet proposal."

"Not too cheesy?"

"No, not at all."

If it was nice seeing all of his friends in one place, having fun, it was nothing compared to seeing them all so happy for the two of them.

"You're gonna give this one ideas," Two-Bit said gesturing to the girl next to him that he brought to the party.

She elbowed him in the ribs and held out her hand to Darry. "I'm Carolyn, and you're not giving me any ideas I haven't already come up with on my own. That I wouldn't mind marrying you."

Darry grinned as Two-Bit frowned, and he shook the girl's hand. "It's nice to meet you. Glad to see there's a girl out there that can keep Two-Bit on his toes."

"Hell, she can keep me on my whole damn feet," he said, gently tugging Carolyn along. "Come on, darlin'. If I have to fight Darry for you, I think I'll probably lose."

He patted Two-Bit on the back as they went on before he pulled Allison close again. "Ready for midnight?"

She fit perfectly against him, and they stayed like that well into 1969.

XXX

At midnight, she stood on her tip-toes, wrapped her arms around Wade's neck and kissed him. There weren't any barriers to this kiss. She wasn't thinking about anybody else, and she didn't want to be anywhere else. It was so unlike the year before.

When she leaned back, his face was red but he was grinning like a fool. His hands were firmly on her waist as if he was afraid she might run off again.

"I'm not going anywhere," she told him, leaning up and kissing him again.

He swayed her a little. "I hope not."

It was a good night, maybe even a great night. Darry proposing to Allison made it that much better. Who would have known that out of all the hospital trips two years ago that Darry would find his wife? Everyone was getting along; everyone was happy, including herself for once.

Wade spun the two of them a little, and she looked at Pony sitting on the couch with Cathy, who seemed to be a little bored out of her mind. Pony gave her an inconspicuous thumbs-up, and she winked back at him. When Cathy wasn't looking in her direction, she raised her eyebrow a little and mouthed, "Bored?"

Pony shrugged and mouthed back something about "home."

She looked at Wade, "Wanna walk with Pony to take Cathy home?"

"I could drive."

"That could work."

When she looked back at Pony, Cathy was standing up, looking down at him. She mentioned something about going home loud enough for the whole room to hear.

"Want a ride?" Ellie asked.

The look Cathy gave her was enough for Ellie to realize that Cathy knew they weren't ever going to be friends.

The ride to Cathy's house was nearly silent, but once she was out of the car the three of them came alive with chatter.

"Pony, I hate to say it, but you can do better," Ellie told him.

"Why do you hate to say it? I think so, too." Pony said it with dead-pan humor, and they all burst out laughing.

"Yeah, Pony, sorry. She's not much fun most of the time," Wade said.

All the way home, they talked and talked, and laughed so hard that it brought tears to her eyes. With her hand intertwined with Wade's, she decided that it was one of the best nights of her life.

XXX

Long after midnight, Dally lay awake, unable to turn off his mind. Thoughts swirled in and out and just when he thought he had pushed them out, they came right back in, fighting against all of the others.

It was 1969. He was 20 years old. He'd been in prison for two years. In two years the only people he had talked to were Two-Bit and Tim Shepard, and he had done everything he could to force silence from Ellie. Thinking about her was like getting shot all over again; he wished he'd done it differently. If he had his choice, the bullets would have done their job the right way, and he would have died. It would have been a hell of a lot easier if he would have just died that night. There would have been nothing left to think about. There would just be that: nothing.

Rolling over, he lifted the edge of his mattress and pulled out her letters. He read them over, the first one and the last one and then the first one again. She said she would wait for him, but she hadn't. He wondered if she would have waited if she knew he was getting out sooner rather than later.

_Got no reason, got no shame  
>Got no family I can blame<br>Just don't let me disappear._

* * *

><p><strong>OH SNAP.<strong>

**:)  
><strong>


	19. Basket Case

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Sara Bareilles owns "Basket Case."**

* * *

><p><em>He's not a magic man or a perfect fit<br>But he had a steady hand and I got used to it_**  
><strong>

**January 1969**

Dally felt like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs the way he was walking around Tulsa. It just didn't feel right to be on the outside, and it definitely didn't feel right to be back in the city. There were too many people he could run into, all of whom he had no interest in seeing.

His first stop was at his old man's house, and he wasn't all that surprised to find an eviction notice posted on the front door. He crumpled it in his hand and threw it on the ground. The door was locked, so he went around to the back door. It took a couple tries, but he found a window that was unlocked, and he maneuvered into the dark house.

The place was practically empty, but the few things that were left were covered in dust and filth. His room hadn't really been touched since there was nothing of value in there. Without a bag to cram his belongings into, he shook a pillow out of its case and tossed a few changes of clothes inside. He held it over his shoulder as he walked back outside, feeling like a bum. As he cut through yards and across backstreets, he realized that wasn't too far off the mark.

He could have worked his way around the outskirts of town to get to Buck's, but he told himself that would have wasted a lot of unnecessary time. He knew the real reason, though. It was hard to miss with the way he was involuntarily glancing around at the cars on the street and the girls that passed by.

He was sticking to the center of town because he wanted to see _her_. Just to see if it was true, that she'd moved on. He knew where he could find her, too. If he stuck around until the afternoon, after school was out, he could list a handful of places she might be. It wouldn't be all that hard to find her. A tiny voice told him to stop being such a pussy and just wait in Will Rogers' parking lot until the last bell and get it the fuck over with.

He pushed that thought to the back of his mind, knowing he wouldn't do it. He didn't want to, not really. All he needed was to get to Buck's, see if the bastard had pawned off any of the shit he had left behind, and then he was going to be done with Tulsa once and for all.

XXX

He opened the door to the roadhouse and let it slam behind him to get Buck's attention from behind the bar.

"Well, shit," he muttered. "Look what the cat dragged in. You look like shit, Winston."

"I been in prison the last couple of years," he reminded him. "What's your excuse?"

Buck cracked a half-smile, not looking all that amused. He pointed to the sack Dally was carrying. "What brings you here? I don't think I got space for you to move in."

He shrugged. "That's fine 'cause I don't got the money to pay you for it anyway."

"Ain't never stopped you before," he replied with a scowl.

"I left a few things here," Dally said, changing the subject before he felt like punching the daylights out of Buck. He sure was itching for a good fight.

"Really? Because I seem to remember you only _taking_ things before you split town."

"Shit, Buck. It was a few dollars. I know you've held onto more than that when you'd pay me for all the races I won for you."

"You think I held onto any of your shit after you put a busted bottle to my throat?"

"Come on, man," Dally said, giving him a grin. "You got out without a scratch on you and a good story to tell everybody, right?"

"Dal, get the hell outta here."

He studied Buck for a moment. He didn't look or act all that different than he did before, but Dally was losing his will to back him into a corner. He couldn't even remember if he had left anything there at all.

Without a word, he nodded and turned on his heel. He was at the door when Buck called after him.

"You can see if any of it's still left up there if you want." He slid the key to his old room down the bar. "Don't blame me if anybody stole your shit, though."

Dally took the key and headed up the stairs. The room was exactly the same, probably right down to the sheets on the bed. He dug through the bottom drawer of the bureau, surprised to find a couple of his shirts and even a pair of jeans. He pulled them out and heard something drop to the floor. That old, beat-up Zippo lighter Ellie had given him gleamed up at him. He smirked a little and reached for it.

"Well, well, well," came a snide voice from behind him.

"Jesus, I can't get away from you Shepards," he muttered as he stuck the lighter in his pocket and stuffed the other belongings into his pillow case. He turned to find Curly Shepard leaned against the door way, looking just like Tim if it weren't for the stupid grin on his face.

"Just like seein' a ghost."

"How would you like a scar to match your brother's?"

The grin on Curly's face widened. "How's he doing anyway?"

Dally shrugged a little. "To be honest, better than you."

Curly frowned a little. "How do you mean?"

Dally punched him in his smug face before the kid even knew hit him. It sure felt good to hit somebody.

He left the kid leaning against the doorway for support, clutching at his face.

Dally headed out of Buck's, north to the highway, hoping he could manage to hitch a ride with his sorry excuse for a suitcase hanging over his shoulder.

XXX

In between history and chemistry, Ellie stopped by her locker to exchange textbooks. She was about to shut the door when Curly slammed it shut for her, hard.

"Wow, Curly. Sorry, didn't know that was in your way."

But she noticed the vicious looking black eye and hugged her books to her chest.

"What happened to you?"

"Your boyfriend."

She laughed at him. "Wade did that to you? What'd you do, let him?"

"I didn't say Wade did it."

"Then who?" she asked, the smile falling from her face. "Rick?"

"Like you two were actually dating," he said with a scoff. "Dally."

"That's not funny," she said, turning away from him. She was moving quickly, hoping to lose him in the hallway, but he caught up to her without a problem. Curly walked along beside her.

"Ain't you back with him yet? I figured you would've been."

She had no idea what he was talking about, or how he could be talking about it. Turning on him, she grabbed at his jacket and pulled him against the wall and away from the foot traffic.

"What are you going on about?"

Curly looked down at her with one eye bored and the other hardly open at all. "Don't you know?"

"Know what?"

"He's out."

One hand flew to the top of her head, grabbing her hair and pushing it back from her face with nervous fingers. She looked squarely at the bruise on his face and felt her whole body turn to ice.

"Are you messing with me?"

Curly had always teased her, hassled her in ways that made him feel like an annoying brother. Although he would do just about anything to embarrass her, he wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt her, even with something as minimal as a lie.

"No, he's back," he said with a nod, touching his eye with a wince.

"But he still has two years left." She noticed there was something along the lines of desperation in her voice.

"They let him out early I guess."

The bell rang and those still left in the hallways ran to their classes, but she and Curly stayed put.

"Where did you see him? When?"

The bruise looked so incredibly fresh, so new. Dally couldn't have done it more than a night ago.

"At Buck's yesterday," he said.

"Yesterday?"

It didn't make any sense. She was not prepared for this, and it was like trying to wrap her brain around him being gone in the first place. Dally was back.

"You have a car right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I want to borrow it."

"Fat chance, Ellie. I'll take you there."

She couldn't have Curly in the car talking her ear off. She needed time to prepare to see him. And with the shiner Dally gave him, Curly clearly wasn't a welcome sight.

"No, no. I need to go now. By myself."

Curly slid away from her, and she grabbed his jacket again, trying to force him back, dropping her books in the process. She held on with both hands and Curly pried her off with his.

"Fine, but don't wreck it or nothing," he said, pulling the keys out of his pocket. "And I need to back tonight. I have a date."

She reached for them, hardly acknowledging anything else. Curly yanked them back.

"Did you even hear me?"

"You're gonna hear me scream if you don't give them to me."

"Jesus, you're still fucking crazy about him, huh?"

Why did everyone think she was so crazy for loving him? No one understood it; no one seemed to even try.

She ignored what he said and grabbed her books. "Thanks."

"What about Loverboy?"

Here she went, forgetting everything that was supposed to be important to her just because Dally was around. Curly stared at her with his eyebrows up, looking everything like Tim standing there, silent judgment all over his face.

"I just need to see him," she said quietly.

"Guess it really ain't any of my business," he said. "It's Tim's Charger, by the way. The one you detailed for him."

Nodding, she turned back and walked quickly through the empty halls. She didn't bother stopping back at her locker to get rid of her books, she just kept them with her, not wasting another moment. Dashing toward the front doors, she sprinted past the front office hoping no one would come running out after her.

Outside, the air was freezing, and she wished she had stopped for her coat, but she wasn't going back. Instead she spent a few seconds scanning the parking lot for the car. She found it about halfway back in the lot and she ran for it. Getting into the car, she ignored the scratches in the black paint, and the fact that the car had no side mirrors.

XXX

The drive to Buck's was irritatingly long. She had forgotten that in the nearly two years since she had been there. She drove well over the speed limit, sometimes swerving into the other lane as she got lost deeper and deeper in thought. She wondered what she was going to do when she saw him, what she would say, how she would say it. What would he say? What would he do?

The heat was blasting in her face and she turned it down before clamping her hands back on the steering wheel. Seeing him should be so easy, but the closer she got to Buck's, the more dread settled in. The last time she saw him, he was in a courtroom. Before that, he was throwing things at her, yelling at her to leave him alone. Before that, he was being gunned down right in front of her eyes.

Would he even be the same boy?

Just as she did with most truths she did not want to face, Ellie ignored the details and sped up. She would face the facts head on whether she liked them or not. At least that meant she would be seeing him again and hopefully be hearing his voice.

She caught sight of the roadhouse in the distance, and she started to slow down. From the road, she could only see a few cars parked in the lot, and she pulled Curly's in and kicked up a lot of dust in the gravel. She parked in front, turned off the car and froze.

Her heart was racing, her hands were shaking. How long had she waited for this moment? How long off was this moment still supposed to be?

Glancing at herself in the rearview mirror, she fixed her hair with her fingers, and tried to clean herself up as best she could without a brush or any make up to touch herself up. She looked like a mess.

Gravel crunched under foot as she walked toward the door and went in. It was amazing how one place could stay so unchanged after so many years, down to the last details. Smoke hung in the air, and she looked at the few people sitting around drinking just after noon. They all stared at her, and she looked at each one to make sure they weren't Dally. None of them were.

She turned toward the back where the pool table was, but it was empty back there, too. She paused at the bottom of the stairs and looked up. If he was there, he would be alone.

She planned on taking the stairs slowly, to figure out what she was going to say, but she couldn't stand it. She started taking them two at a time, running up so fast, she ran right into Buck and nearly fell backward down the steps until he grabbed her arm and steadied her.

"What are you doing here?"

Among other things about the place that hadn't changed in two years, Buck himself also hadn't changed.

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"Dally."

Buck rolled his eyes and moved around her back down the steps. "He split."

"Where?"

"Don't know, don't care."

She rushed back down after him, catching him at the bottom and putting herself in his way.

"Where did he go?"

"Are you deaf and dumb or something, girlie? There was no way I was letting him stay here for nothing, not after the shit he pulled the last time I saw him."

"So you just kicked him out?"

Buck glared at her. "He didn't want to stick around anyway."

"Did he head back to Tulsa?"

He just shook his head and moved by her. Ellie followed him back out into the main room, talking to his back. He walked right to the front door and opened it, standing aside and pointing out.

"Get outta here, kid. He ain't here."

She stared at him, hoping he was lying to her, but she could see there was no room for argument. On wobbly legs, she walked back out into the fresh air and stood on the porch as Buck closed the door behind her. For a long time, she stood there, trying to figure out what had happened and where he would have gone. The only place she could come up with was somewhere back in Tulsa. He had to have gone home. Where else was there for him to go?

Running back to the car, she headed back toward his house.

XXX

Pony was nose deep in a book when Wade sat down at the lunch table.

"You seen Ellie around?"

"Huh?"

Wade looked a little worried. "She didn't meet me at her locker, and she was here this morning. Usually if she skips, something's up."

His brows creased as he tried to think of any reason she might bail on school, but he didn't know of anything. She had been fine that morning.

"No idea. You sure she wasn't in the bathroom or something?"

"I don't know."

He wanted to tell him not to worry about it, but he didn't get the chance when Curly Shepard sat down at their table without so much as a 'hello.' He had one hell of a black eye.

"Hey, Curly. What happened to you?"

Curly started at him with his good eye. "Don't you know?"

Pony looked at Wade, who looked like he was about to jump out of his seat, and back at Curly. "Know what?"

"Guess that means you don't either," he said as he cracked his neck. "Good ol' Dallas Winston's back in town."

Pony went deaf at the mention of Dally's name. He just stared at Curly dumbfounded. It took him a minute to realize Wade was asking him a question.

"Who's Dallas Winston? I've heard the name."

Curly laughed and patted Wade on the shoulder. "All he is, cowboy, is trouble for you."

"You told Ellie, didn't you?" Pony asked.

Getting up, Curly shrugged. "Not so much on purpose. I figured she knew."

"Pony, what's going on?" Wade asked.

All he could do was stare at the table as he tried to work it all out himself. Dally was supposed to be in jail, not in Tulsa.

XXX

For hours, she drove around Tulsa, going to places she thought that he might be, but none of them made sense. Dally was a wanderer, he never went anywhere for long. Just shy of looking at her own house, she headed to his dad's place.

From the street, the house looked abandoned. The grass was horribly overgrown, the screen door hung on one hinge and no car was parked in front of the house.

Gathering up as much courage as she could, she walked up to the front door and knocked softly. There were no sounds inside; no one was coming. That was when she noticed the weather-worn piece of paper at the bottom of the door, crushed into a ball. She picked it up and opened it. It was an eviction notice. She looked back up at the door and dared to walk into the jungle of a flowerbed to peer into the window.

Inside, the house was dark. There was next to nothing inside, and it didn't look like anyone had been there in ages. Taking in a breath that made her shake, she backed away from the window and headed back toward the street. She climbed into the car and just sat there with the keys in her hands.

Dally wasn't anywhere.

She hit the steering wheel, a lump formed in her throat. Rain started to fall, and she hit the steering wheel again and again until she wrapped her arms around it and cried. Thoughts were hitting her a million miles an hour. The year she had spent not writing him, the trip she made the prison to see him but saw Tim instead. They were all things Dally had to know. The awful things she said in that last letter. They had all driven him away. Every reason he wasn't there was all because she never gave him a reason to come back.

All she wanted was to see him, to touch him, to know that he was still real. It took a while to get herself calmed down, but when she managed to start breathing normally, she peeled herself away from the steering wheel and sat back in the seat. Her whole body still shook, and she started looking around the car for a cigarette. She found a whole pack in the glove box.

She smoked four cigarettes before she put the keys in the ignition and headed back to Curly's. The sun had set a long time ago, and she was certain he was probably cussing her out for stealing his car. She sat in the car in front of his house, unable to force herself out of the car. She smoked another cigarette, but all it did was make her hand shake that much harder.

It startled her when Curly knocked on the car window. In the dark he looked so much like Tim. She opened the door, and he hung on it.

"You gonna need a ride home?"

She nodded, and he motioned toward the passenger seat. Awkwardly, she climbed into it and settled back again. Curly got in and shut the door.

"So, I take it you didn't find him? Or you did and you spend the afternoon making out in here or something? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I told you I had a date, and I needed it back."

All she could do was give him a pained look, and he backed off.

"No luck?"

"No. Buck said he split. I have no idea where he would have gone."

She caught herself staring at Curly's black eye, wondering how Dally could have been so close without her even knowing.

"Tough break," he said, starting up the car. "You had no luck, and Christine wouldn't wait on me."

"I'm sorry, Curly."

"It's cool. Not sure she was worth the time anyway."

For him, she probably was, and Ellie ruined that. She had no idea who Christine was, but she had a feeling it might have been a big deal.

Curly pulled back onto the road, driving toward her house. He leaned into her seat, popping open the glove box and fished around for a minute. He slammed it back shut and Ellie slowly lifted the box of cigarettes from between the seats.

"Looking for these?"

He took the box from her and flipped it open, and then shot her a look.

"Jesus, you steal my car and then smoke half the goddamn pack?"

"I know. I'm sorry. I owe you a ton right now."

But he just smiled and worked two out of the package. He lit them while he steered with his knee. Casually, he handed her one.

When he stopped at her house, she finished her cigarette, feeling sick from smoking so much on an empty stomach. "You're a good friend, Curly."

"Don't tell no one, all right?"

Again, he smiled and she got out of the car, watching as he drove off. She stood in the cold for awhile, still feeling like she might burst into tears again, but the urgency was passing for the moment. She turned toward her house and felt her heart leap to her throat when she noticed the shadowy figure sitting on her porch alone.

His name was stuck in her throat, but as he moved to where she could see him in the light from the streetlamp, she saw that it was only Soda.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

"Sorry if I scared you."

He had his hands tucked into the back pockets of his jeans, his coat zipped up to his chin. It looked like he had been waiting there a long time.

"You didn't. Just thought you were someone else."

He smiled sadly. "Dally?"

"Yeah," she said, feeling her throat tighten more.

"Wanna talk or something? Inside?"

"You're not gonna yell? Tell me that I'm dumb?"

Soda shook his head and said with a smirk, "I made Steve go home."

It didn't shock her that Steve may have been around waiting to get on her case. If there was anything Steve was really good at, it was picking apart her faults lately.

When Soda nodded at the house, she started inside, feeling everything inside of her go completely numb.

XXX

It was going on midnight when he left Ellie's and even though he had to work in the morning, he would have stayed half the night if it would have made her feel any better. She was upset and terribly hurt. Worst of all, she was blaming herself for Dally just taking off. In her mind, he would have come home and at least said hello if she would have kept writing him letters or visited the prison sooner.

It had taken him the better part of an hour just to try to convince her that it wasn't her fault he didn't come back around before he realized convincing her of anything was going to be impossible. In all honestly, Soda truly believed that Dally was just scared to come back. Everything Ellie said was true; no one talked about him, and when they did, it wasn't to praise him. She seemed to be the only one that still cared about Dally.

When he got home, he immediately crawled into bed, carefully so he didn't wake up Pony. Not carefully enough, though. He rolled over and looked at him.

"What?" Soda asked.

"You saw her?"

"Yeah?"

"She's back with Dally?"

Soda looked at his kid brother and tried to understand the accusation in his voice. He couldn't understand it, at least not the part where he turned his back on his friend. His hate for Dally seemed to seep onto Ellie.

"As a matter of fact, no. Dally left town. She didn't even see him."

"Good," Pony said, as he rolled back over. "He doesn't need to be here."

For a good minute, Soda stared at his brother. "Why's it any of your business who she goes out with?"

Pony rolled back over and said harshly, "Dally ain't no good for anybody. Not a single person. If she was smart, she would stick with Wade. He's a good guy, and better for her than she deserves."

All Soda could do was just stare at him. Ellie was his friend, his best friend, or so he had thought. Things had been rough over the last couple of years, but he thought they were still pretty close.

"It's better if he doesn't come back. It's all his fault you know."

"No. I don't know."

Pony seemed at a loss for words, unable to see why Soda wasn't seeing things his way. "Johnny."

"You blame him for Johnny dying?"

"Don't you?"

Ever since Johnny died, Pony had had some terrible bitter streaks. Just small moments when Soda thought he seemed to act a lot like Dally when he was in one of his moods. But now it was scaring him a little. Pony really believed that Dally didn't care about Johnny, that he really had sent him off to die. That was just something Soda could never believe.

"Didn't you guys go to him and ask him for help?"

"Yeah, for help. He didn't give us any."

"What did you expect him to do?"

"Not something that would get us killed."

Soda left it at that and rolled over so his back was facing Pony's. For a long time, he thought about his brother and about Dally. All he could see was how much it was hurting Ellie.

XXX

He climbed out of the pick-up truck and nodded his thanks to the older man that picked him up about thirty miles out. The man was weathered and leather-skinned. He was a farmer inside and out, and Dally wondered how anybody ever ended up like that. He wasn't even sure why he was heading back to Windrixville after being away from home for so long. He sure didn't have it in him to be some kind of farmer like the folks that lived in this part of Oklahoma, but he didn't have it in him to go back to Tulsa, either.

He looked up the long gravel driveway the farmer had stopped in front of. He knew he was in the right place, but he hadn't been there in years, not since he was a little boy, even before his mother carted him off to New York.

He hitched the bag higher on his shoulder and started up the driveway. He still wasn't sure why Windrixville was the place he kept running to, but it was. He had managed to hide out in a few different barns and he even found a boarded up house that proved effective for about a month before he turned himself in in the first place. It felt a little different to be back and not have to look over his shoulder, wondering if the fuzz was on his tail. He was still jumpy, but that was nothing new. That was the tell tale sign of someone who knew how the world worked. He had to watch his back, just like always.

Dally's sure-footed gait hesitated once when he realized the porch that wrapped around most of the old farmhouse he was walking up to wasn't empty. An older man – a little younger than the one that gave him a ride earlier but just as weathered – sat in a rocking chair, smoking a pipe and staring at him.

Dally cleared his throat and dropped his bag next to him.

"Can I help you, son?"

Dally looked up at him, trying to make out his dark figure in the fading sunlight of the evening. His uncle Lane looked so much like Dally's father, he couldn't seem to find the words he planned out while they were processing his parole.

"I know you don't remember me or nothin'," he said, and the old man chuckled.

"Never said I didn't remember you, Dallas," he said, taking another puff from his pipe. "Just asked if I could help you. Can I?"

Dally couldn't remember a time when he ever had to ask for help, and it wasn't part of his plan to ask now.

"Boy, ain't you just like Harlan? When you two was growing up, you were both thick as thieves, and I bet you're just as stubborn as he still is."

He ignored that comment. He didn't have any desire to be lumped into the same category as his cousin.

"You mind if I stay here for a few days?" Dally asked, still standing in front of the porch awkwardly. "I ain't really had any time to figure out a place to go, and I thought this might be as good as any."

Lane nodded slowly, still rocking away in his chair. "You in trouble, son?"

"Not anymore."

"Wish I could say the same about Harlan," the old man muttered. "Just gettin' back on your feet?"

Dally stared at Lane silently.

"Well, don't stand out there all evening, boy. Come inside."

He picked up his bag again and walked up the steps of the porch.

Lane picked up his cane that was leaning against the house and blocked Dally's path before he could walk into the house.

"I've got a few rules."

"Like what?" he asked. He studied the old man and wondered if he had made a mistake. He'd had enough rules in prison; he didn't need rules here too.

"You look like hell, boy," Lane said, smiling up at him. "You settle in, and we'll talk rules in the morning."

The cane was still blocking his path and Dally looked down at it, then back at his uncle.

"That sure was a shock, seein' you walkin' up the path," he said, still smiling. "You look just like your daddy."

Dally resisted the urge to spit in the old man's face.

"Funny," he replied, his lips curling in disgust. "I was thinkin' the same thing about you."

"Then we're two ugly sons of bitches, ain't we?"

In spite of himself, Dally smirked. The old man might not be so bad after all.

He dropped the cane and gestured in the house. "Go on in. There's a room in the back you can stay in. Make yourself at home. I'll get you some grub. You look like you ain't eaten in months."

Dally nodded and walked into the house. He looked around the dark living room, but nothing really looked familiar. It had been probably ten or eleven years since he had been on that farm. There weren't many doors off the living room and the first he tried was a drafty bedroom. He tossed his bag on the floor and kicked off his shoes. He leaned back onto the pillow and closed his eyes. As long as he had a place to sleep and some food on his plate, he might be willing to accept some rules. He could hear Lane shuffling around the kitchen, but sleep seemed more important than food at the moment. Dally relaxed for the first time in two years.

_I've been saving your place  
>But what good does it do?<br>Now I'm just a basket case.  
><em>


	20. Shooting Me Down

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Jack Johnson owns "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing."**

* * *

><p><em>Lord knows that this world is cruel<br>And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool  
>Learning loving somebody don't make them love you.<em>

The smell of bacon grease and warm food woke up Dally. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. It was barely light outside and as he moved he found that he was sore from sleeping so soundly, but from the way his stomach was grumbling, he wasn't surprised it was the promise of food that woke him up.

Getting up, he rubbed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair as he padded his bare feet into the hallway. The house wasn't huge, but it was one hell of an improvement on any place Dally had stayed in, especially after his eight by ten. It was downright homey, which was a surprise because Lane had lived on his own for damn near forever.

"Mornin'," Lane greeted, dishing out scrambled eggs onto a couple plates on the kitchen table.

Dally nodded and sat down.

"I was gonna fix you somethin' to eat last night, but when I went to ask you what you wanted, you was out like a light." He poured orange juice into two glasses on the table.

"I guess I was more tired than I thought I was."

"That's how Harlan slept every time he got out."

Dally looked up at him, wondering what he was getting at.

"I ain't never been," Lane said, "but I'm assumin' there ain't much sleeping going on in the big house?"

"I guess sleep ain't the first thing on anybody's mind there."

Lane smiled. "No, I guess it wouldn't be."

He sat down across from Dally, and they ate in silence. Dally shoveled eggs into his mouth faster than he could chew, but Lane didn't say a word. He paused just a split second before he stuffed a piece of bacon in his mouth to wonder why Lane hadn't even bothered to ask why he had been in jail.

Dally cleaned his plate, savoring each and every mouthful of real food. When he emptied his glass, Lane put his elbows on the table and leaned forward.

"Your daddy know you're here?"

"No. I don't plan on tellin' him either."

"He might be worried about you."

"And you might be pretty funny after all," Dally replied. "He ain't worried about me. Never has been, never will be. And that's the way I like it."

It seemed like Lane didn't buy that for a second by the way he was looking at him, but Dally didn't care. It was the truth. Mostly the truth, anyhow.

"Even if I wanted to tell him, I don't know where he is. I went home after I got out and there was an eviction notice on the front door. From the look of the house, he packed up and moved a while ago."

Lane seemed to take that in and nodded a couple times. Dally stared at the way his uncle was balding on top, and wondered how old the man was.

"Like I said last night, I got rules here," Lane said, still leaning on the old wooden table.

Dally leaned back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head. "You probably oughta know, I don't do rules all that well."

"Then you probably oughta know that this ain't the place for you then," he replied calmly. "You can stay for today, but then I think you'd be best to move on."

Dally narrowed his eyes at his uncle. "I didn't say I didn't do 'em. I said I didn't do 'em well."

Lane considered that and nodded. "Fair enough. You help out around here and earn your keep. You do it without complainin'. You do what you're asked, and you do it as good as you can. Those are the rules."

Dally considered that. If Lane thought he was so similar to his cousin Harlan, he figured his uncle would know better than anybody that Dally wasn't one to bend to authority. There was something different about this kind of authority though. There was something fair about it. Without rubbing in his face and threatening him, Lane was giving him a chance.

"What kind of things do I gotta do?"

Lane shrugged. "This place is pretty big for one old man to be running. I have help every now and then but mostly from drifters, and they ain't all that reliable. They come and go as they please, and I need somebody a little more dependable than that."

Dally smirked. "Dependable's my middle name."

"Trouble's your middle name and don't think I don't know it, either. At least that was Charlie's middle name, and as much as I hate to say it and you hate to hear it, the apple don't fall too far from the tree."

Being compared to his father was absolute bullshit and Dally told Lane that with his expression. He stared at the old man, teeth gritted.

"Tell me I'm wrong," Lane challenged softly.

"You got any horses here?" Dally asked, ignoring his comment.

"I got a couple. You like horses?"

Dally shrugged nonchalantly. "Some might say I got a way with 'em. I used to race 'em back in Tulsa."

"Yeah? You any good?"

He scoffed. "Damn good."

Lane leaned back and crossed his arms. "Maybe we can make an honest man out of you yet."

XXX

The news was out all over town, at least in the circles that cared about Dallas Winston, that he was once again a free man. It had been more than a few days since he'd been let out, too. Two-Bit and Steve were hanging out at the Curtis house waiting for Soda to get off work and hoping to avoid Ellie. It wasn't much of a concern, though, because she had been avoiding all of them since she heard the news.

"Remember when he turned himself in?" Darry asked. "She went nuts."

"Well, he's out now," Steve said. "She shouldn't freak out over that."

Allison was putting groceries away in the kitchen. "But he hasn't come back."

"And judging from how Ellie handles certain situations, she's not going to handle this well if he doesn't come back soon," Darry said.

"Yeah," Two-Bit agreed. "You know, the whole time I was in the joint with him he never talked about her. I tried to get him to."

Darry was gripping the back of a kitchen chair, studying his hands. "I wonder if she knew that if she'd finally give up on him."

Allison playfully punched him in the arm and said, "If she has feelings for him, let her have feelings for him."

"Won't do her no good if he doesn't for her," Steve said. "She's needs to quit with the hoods. Ask her and she'll be the first to say I'm right."

"I think he still does. He's just … Dally," Two-Bit said. "He's different than he was."

"Well, he wasn't real good to begin with," Darry said. "She needs to forget about being with him and focus on someone better for her."

"Wade?" Two-Bit asked.

"Bullseye. That kid is the best thing that's ever happened to her," Darry said.

"He's a great kid, but if she doesn't feel about him the way she feels about Dally, they're both gonna get hurt," Allison said. "Have you guys always treated her like this? You know she's perfectly capable of making up her own mind. It's a wonder she hasn't gone nuts growing up with all of you _boys._"

"The point is that Wade really cares about her," Darry argued. "And if Ellie's dating him, it's because she wants to. You know her well enough to know that if she doesn't want to do something, she won't do it."

"But that was back when Dal was in the big house," Two-Bit said. "I'm not saying she was just biding her time, but this is a whole 'nother ballgame now that he's out."

"Wade treats her better than Dallas ever even tried to treat her," Steve said. "Why's this even an issue for her? I think she really likes the kid."

"Issue?" Allison asked. Two-Bit couldn't help but grin. She hadn't known them all very long, but she always seemed to know the score. He also liked that she was sticking up for Ellie when she seemed like she might be the first one to root for Wade. "This isn't like gym class where you pick a baseball team. This is about who she likes and who she loves. She likes Wade, but she loves Dally. Am I wrong?"

"Maybe if Dally were out of the picture, she wouldn't anymore," Darry said.

"It doesn't work like that, Darry. You're talking about a teenage girl and her emotions. Don't even try and get in between that. Besides, what do you want us to do? Kill him? That might be a little extreme just to get her to like a high school crush a little more."

"You know, Allison's right," Two-Bit said. "Wade's a good kid; I'm not saying he's not. He's just not Dally."

"You're not helping your argument," Steve muttered.

"All I know is that Wade's intentions have always been better than anything Dally or Tim could have ever dreamed of," Darry said. "He would never even consider taking her to Buck's for a party or … otherwise."

"You ever think they do that 'cause they don't know any better?" Two-Bit said. "Dally never had any money to take her anywhere else."

"Just let the poor girl make up her own mind," Allison said. "I've got to pick up Lizzie."

She leaned up and kissed Darry on the cheek and walked out of the kitchen.

"I don't understand why everybody's so dead set against Dally," Two-Bit said. "I thought he was our buddy."

"He was," Steve replied. "He was right up to the point where he asked us to meet him at the lot so we could watch him go down in a blaze of glory."

"Are you still going on about that?" He knew Steve had been angry about the whole situation, but he had no idea he was still carrying a torch over it all.

"It's a little hard to forget about when you think about what we saw," Darry agreed.

Two-Bit frowned at them. He was sick of everybody throwing Dally away like some stranger. He was their friend. He may not be a good friend, but it's what he was.

"Ellie was there, too, you know? She saw the same damn thing and she loved him. You ever wonder maybe why she can't let him go?"

"If anything, she should hate him same as me for what he did. How can you still be sticking up for him?" Steve asked. "You were the one that spent time with him in the cooler. You said he hardly talked to you."

He shrugged. "I guess maybe it's because I spent the time with him. He ain't the same."

"Yeah, he's worse."

"That's not what I mean. He's, he's ... hurt," he snapped.

"Hurt? You think he's capable of feeling hurt?"

Two-Bit threw his hands in the air, giving up. "Forget it, Steve. I'd sure hate to hear about how you guys talked about me while I was gone."

"What are you talking about, Two-Bit?"

"I'm talking about how you're just turning your back on one of our closest friends."

"In case you never noticed, we were never all that close," Steve reminded him.

"All the same, I hate that you guys can just forget about everything we all went through to get to this point."

"We aren't forgetting anything," Darry said. "I think the problem is that we can't forget it."

"All I'm saying is I don't think we can put all the blame on Dal for this one."

"How the hell do you figure that?" Steve asked.

"Listen, Steve. When you get all amped up over something, what do you do? You fight somebody. When I get amped up, I drink and do stupid shit. Pony gets all moody, like any fifteen year old does. Ellie gets all girly, crying and stuff. You know how Dally deals with it?"

There was no response from either of them, so he continued.

"Dally goes out and gets himself shot to hell because he doesn't know how else to deal with it. Look at where he came from. With an old man like his, it ain't really a surprise that he's fucked up."

Darry didn't say anything and Steve just gave him a cool stare.

"Look," Two-Bit said. "I know your old man ain't a walk in the park either, but even you gotta admit we're all living the high life compared to what he's been through. So sue me if I think he deserves to have a friend or two waiting for him when he gets up the guts to come back home."

"I'm not saying he's not our buddy anymore," Darry said. "I'm just saying there's no need for Ellie to go on the way she's been lately."

"She's only been acting like this because she's so head over heels for him, even after everything that happened," Two-Bit said. "She had as hard a time as any of us did when all this shit happened, maybe even harder than any of us realized."

"I know that, but Dally's one to prey on it. Tell me this. If they get back together, then what? She'll graduate and work to keep him around for nothing. You see Dal as the marrying type? The type to stick around if she ends up pregnant?" Darry said.

It wasn't easy to hear Darry say all this, to trash their buddy and whittle Ellie's feelings down to almost nothing. It could be true that if she ended back with Dally that she would end up working two jobs to keep him around, but part of him believed she wouldn't have minded. And maybe that was Dally's fault.

"She loves him, Darry. She don't need our permission to either."

"And what about Wade?"

"What about him?" Two-Bit asked. "He's not Dally and he's never going to be."

"All the more reason for her to stay with him if you want my opinion," Steve said.

"I don't."

"Dally's just not good for her," Darry said.

"Maybe she's good for him," Two-Bit said, not knowing what else to say.

Darry shrugged, looking a little sad maybe. "It's gotta work both ways, Two-Bit. That's all there is to it."

The three of them stopped talking when there were footsteps on the porch. Pony walked in the house first, followed closely by Wade.

"I told you she wouldn't be here," Pony said.

"Aren't you worried about her?"

He shrugged. "Not really."

"Hey," Two-Bit said, studying the two boys. Pony looked mad, and Wade just looked baffled. "What's up?"

"Have you guys seen Ellie?" Wade asked.

Two-Bit looked over at Steve who just shook his head and walked into the kitchen.

"You haven't seen her?" Two-Bit asked him.

"No. She hasn't been in school. Whenever I go to her house, nobody answers. She won't talk to me on the phone. Nothing. Is she okay?"

"Does he know the whole story?" he asked Pony.

Pony shrugged. "As best I could tell it."

"He said she's acting crazy because Dallas Winston is out of prison. Who is Dallas Winston?"

"Everybody's kind of kept you in the dark about what you've gotten yourself into, haven't they?"

Wade shrugged, looking helpless. "I guess so."

Two-Bit nodded slowly, putting on his best fatherly face. He patted his knee. "Have a seat, Wade."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Of course I am." He gestured to the coffee table. "But have a seat anyway."

Wade didn't seem to sure of whatever Two-Bit was going on about, and he hesitantly folded his angular body onto the coffee table.

"You've never heard the story of Dallas Winston?"

"Pony told me him and Ellie used to go out, but I don't get what's wrong with her."

"Wade, you've heard all about the birds and the bees, haven't you?"

He leaned back away from Two-Bit. "What's that got to do with anything?"

Two-Bit could see both Pony and Darry fighting back grins while Steve just sat in the kitchen like a moody jerk.

"It's got everything to do with this! You know all about them, right? The birds and the bees, I mean."

The kid turned bright red. "Sure."

"Okay, kid. Here's the deal. There's Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, and Dally and Ellie. That was briefly Tim and Ellie but that's not nearly as important as Dally and Ellie."

"What are you talking about?"

"Once upon a time, Wade, there was this little girl, no bigger than a minute, that followed this tow-headed kid around like a goose. He went away to New York for a while and came back, and she kept following him around while he more or less ignored her like most boys his age tend to do. Then one day, the tow-headed kid got a kick in the balls and woke up to realize that he had a thing for the girl. He did some dumb shit, and she got mad at him, and then they got back together."

Two-Bit hoped to break the news of Dallas Winston to Wade in a way that was funny so the kid wouldn't be too heartbroken, but he still didn't seem to get the magnitude of it.

"I know they dated and all that, but how long's he been gone? We've almost been going out a year and she's never said a word about him."

"Two years," Darry answered. "And I don't think she's heard from him once."

Two-Bit didn't appreciate his tone, and he tried to undo the damage he was doing to Dally's character. "He had a real hard time when he went in. Even when I was in the clink with him, he was having a rough go of it."

Wade scratched his head, and Two-Bit couldn't help but notice how dumb it made the poor kid look.

"When it comes to Dally," he said, "she can go a little nuts. We all know that. But she watched him get shot and almost die right after they got back together again. It was rough. It was real bad."

"I get that they have a history together, but what I don't get is that she hasn't heard from him in all this time, and even once he gets out, he doesn't come back to see her. Why doesn't she get over it?"

"Crazy, isn't it?" Pony asked.

"You just have to know Dally and her to really get it," Two-Bit replied. He wasn't sure anymore if he was sticking up for Dally because he was his buddy and he knew how much he cared about Ellie, or if he was still just doing it because no one else would.

Wade shrugged. "Then I guess I just don't get it at all."

"Just give her some time," Darry said. "She'll get over this eventually. Don't be too hard on her in the meantime."

"Sure," Wade said with a nod.

In a way, Two-Bit almost felt bad sticking up for Dally the way he was when Wade was so obviously better for her.

XXX

The swing swayed and she dragged her foot in the dirt. She watched the trench she was digging as she thought about Dally. Just thinking about him being out of jail was hard for her to wrap her mind around. It had been such a long time since she last saw him. Staring at her feet but not really seeing them, she created him in her mind and tried to figure out why he wasn't in Tulsa. She had no idea where he would go or how he would get there anyway. She couldn't help but think that he was probably halfway to New York by now. It was the only place she knew he'd been before.

"Hey."

Wade was walking up to her, his feet dragging the closer he got. She just stared at him, disappointed that it wasn't Dally standing there. For a moment he looked foreign to her. Just some boy in a cowboy hat staring at her. He paused at the spot where the grass ended and the mulch began before he moved to the swing beside her.

"I've been looking for you," he said.

"Oh?"

"For two days."

Wade was staring at her, and she looked back at the ground, focusing on her trench. It dawned on her that he seemed a little mad.

"Look, Ellie, I don't want to pry because I know that all that stuff you and Pony and your friends went through awhile ago was pretty bad and all, but I feel like you owe me an explanation."

What she wanted to give him a piece of her mind. She owed him nothing, and she made sure the look on her face said as much. Who did he think he was to just start demanding information?

"How come you never told me about Dallas Winston?"

It was strange to hear Dally's name come out of Wade's mouth, and for a moment it rendered her speechless. Wade and Dally did not belong in the same world.

"Were you going to tell me?"

She kept her mouth shut, and he reached out and grabbed one of the chains of her swing, stopping her. She planted her feet firmly on the ground and refused to look at him and that ridiculous cowboy hat.

"Ellie, I asked you a question."

Every moment she had ever spent alone with Dally flipped through her mind like a movie, and then every moment spent with Tim. She looked at Wade and considered their relationship in the same way. It was so incredibly different than the others that she knew there was no way Wade would ever get it. How would she ever begin to explain someone like Dally to someone like Wade?

"Were you ever going to tell me about him?" he repeated.

"I don't know."

He let go of the chain, and she looked back down and focused on the clouds her breath was making.

"Do you have any idea how much of a fool I feel like right now?"

She didn't answer him. She couldn't even look at him. Dally was her most closely guarded secret when it came to Wade. The decision had been made that she was going to forget all about Dally so that Wade would never have to know about him, but she was supposed to still have another two years to forget him. A few months was not enough time.

"I just don't get how we could be dating for so long, and I've never heard you talk about him."

"No one talks about him," she said, quietly.

It was the truth. Nobody did. Nobody cared that he was in jail or had been shot or that he had nothing left in the world.

"Remember when you said you'd go out with me? I asked you plain and simple back then if there was anybody. You told me no."

The tone in his voice was grating on her nerves, and she snapped at him, "Because he was in jail. He was supposed to be there for three more years at that point. There wasn't anybody."

"But he's out now, and you ran off to see him. You've been avoiding me and looking for him," he said as he stood up. This time he grabbed both chains of her swing, jerking it a bit. She pushed him away and stood up to him, something she never had to do before.

"I didn't think he'd get out so soon."

Wade looked disappointed. "So, what? This is just for kicks or something? Were you just biding your time? Just going to date me for another two years and then dump me when he got out?"

The hurt on his face registered, but she was powerless to fix it right then. Her heart hurt for different reasons. He didn't know what it was like to be stood up for two years and not be able to really ever let go. He didn't know Dally.

"Why didn't I hear this from you?"

"There's nothing to hear," she snapped.

"Pony and Darry seem worried about him being out, and I don't mean worried about him. Pony says you change when he's around."

Hearing what the others were saying about her behind her back was giving her a headache. It was making her mad, and she was about to take it out on Wade.

"They told me that you get yourself so wrapped up in him that you don't know which way's right anymore," he said. "How come?"

She remembered everything she and Soda had ever talked about between their heartbreaks with Sandy and Dally. It had only been a few months ago he had asked her what she would do if Dally showed up again.

The last thing she was going to do was get into a conversation with Wade about how she felt about Dally. Her relationship with Wade was so innocent, so wonderfully uncomplicated that she knew he would never understand the feelings she had for Dally. The only people who even seemed to try and understand were Two-Bit and Soda.

"I'm not getting into this with you," she said.

"So what do I do then?"

"I don't care," she lied. It had hurt him that she said that. He looked down at his feet, his hat completely obscuring his face.

"What I don't understand is why you're doing this when I'm right in front of you."

Ellie crossed her arms and looked off toward the street. "You're the one that brought it up."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what?"

"He's not here. I'm here."

Ellie backed one step away as she started to understand what he was saying.

"He's out of jail, and he didn't come see you. He's gone, Ellie. Did you ever think that maybe he doesn't care about you anymore?"

The absolute truth of that stung her beyond belief, and she shoved him away from her as hard as she could.

"What do I have to do to make you realize that I'm standing right in front of you?"

"Just leave me alone right now," she said, making a move by him. It surprised her so much when he grabbed her arms and pulled her back. Her feet tangled up beneath her and she slipped out of his grip, landing hard on the dirt beneath the swings. Shock overcame her and she looked up at him, expecting him to look upset and be in a rush to help her up. Instead, he looked down at her, his blue eyes angry.

"Do guys have to treat you like dirt for you to notice them?"

She didn't answer him. Avoiding his gaze, she started to get up from the cold ground. He reached to help her, but she pulled her arm away from his grasp.

"That is it, isn't it? I treat you the way a girl oughta be treated and it's like you just don't get it or something. I can see that Dallas is a real upstanding gentleman the way he can't even come see you after two years, and then what about that other guy, Tim? You told me he hurt you. How many others are there that I don't know about?"

He was calling her easy. Maybe not so straightforward, but that was what he meant.

"It must be really easy to talk about things that you know nothing about," she snapped. "You have no idea who Dally is and if you're listening to anyone else about him, they're all wrong."

"He cheated on you and lied about it."

What in the hell were people telling him? Why could they all suddenly talk about Dally when she wasn't around?

"I have this terrible feeling that you're just going to push me away while you wait on someone who's not going to come back." He was standing an arm's length away from her and she still couldn't face him. "I guess all I'm saying is that I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Steve, Darry and Pony had been saying the same things to her for two years, but this was the first time she had really ever heard them. Dally ignoring her letters in prison was okay because she knew right where he was. Now she had no idea. Now, it was ultimately his decision not to see her.

Wade put his hands on her arms gently, but she pulled them free. She stared at him, hating that he was right. He was right about it all.

"Ellie," he began.

Dally had only been gone for a few days. He could still come back, but would he still be the same boy? Would he want to see her? Wade was standing right there and she couldn't accept it. She backed up a step.

"Please leave me alone right now," she begged him.

Instead of fighting for her, Wade sighed heavily and shook his head. "You're making a mistake if you choose someone like that. I would never do what he's doing to you."

"You don't know him," she squeaked out.

Wade pushed his hands into his coat pockets and said, "I don't think you do either."

With that, he turned his back on her and walked away. Deep down, she wanted to call him back, but she closed her mouth. There wasn't anything to say to him.

_I can't always be waiting, waiting on you  
>I can't always be playing, playing your fool<br>I keep playing your part, but it's not my scene._


	21. Call It By a Brand New Name

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Jack Johnson owns "Flake."**

* * *

><p><em>I know she knows it's not right, there ain't no use in lying<br>Maybe she thinks I know something, maybe, maybe she thinks it's fine  
>Maybe she knows something I don't<br>I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying_

Ellie slowly walked into the cafeteria and scanned the tables. Wade and Pony were sitting at their usual table, and she wasn't sure she wanted to join. It was her first day back to school since she heard that Dally was out, and Pony had done his best at avoiding her all morning. Wade hadn't met her at her locker like he usually did every morning, but she chalked that up to the fact that he didn't know she would even be there.

She was actually surprised herself that she managed to climb out of bed on time that morning. All night long, just like the previous nights, she dreamed of cars pulling up outside of her house and Dally tapping on her window. They were so vivid, and she wanted it to happen so badly. She kept waking up and looking outside, only to find nothing on the other side, just like always. School seemed like a good alternative to sitting on her bed and staring out the window all day long.

Pulling out the chair next to Wade, Ellie put her books down and began to open her bagged lunch. She jumped a little when the chair beside her scraped the floor, and she looked up to find Wade picking up his lunch tray and walking away from the table. Not a word was said, and as far she could tell, he didn't even look at her.

"What's he doing?" she asked, watching as he walked to another table and sat down there.

"Are you serious?"

She looked back at Pony. Those were the first words he had spoken to her in a while. She knew they were both angry at her, but it had to say something that she was back at school. She was trying. She didn't understand why they couldn't do the same.

"Neither of you have even given me a chance," she started to say, but Pony stood up too.

"A chance to what? Apologize? Go ahead. I'll give you a chance."

"Apologize for what? I haven't done anything to you. I haven't even done anything to Wade."

He just shook his head and picked up his food, too. "You're so clueless, Ellie, and selfish."

She watched him go over to the trashcan and throw out his food before he walked out of the cafeteria. She sat alone for the rest of the lunch period without even touching her food.

XXX

Dust plumed around him, and Dally kicked at it harder just to drive up a larger cloud. Anything just to make a scene, a sound, anything. He was honestly glad to not be in Tulsa, but he was not content with being Lane's whipping boy. Who cared if the man used a cane? Who the hell had been helping him before Dally got there? The old timer had managed fine until then.

But when he walked into the horse barn, he calmed down a little. Just the familiar smell calmed him down and brought him to a better place. There were two horses, one old stallion and a mare. Dally made clicking sounds with his tongue, and the mare walked to the edge of the stall as Dally fed her a carrot and petted her soft pink nose. When they were younger, he and his cousin Harlan always raced when Dally visited. Harlan had his own horse, but Dally always beat him.

"Hey, girl," he said quietly. She nuzzled his hand, and he dug a second carrot of his pocket and fed it to her.

Lane had been keeping Dally busy those first few days with tons of little chores and trips into town to get stuff. There hadn't been time enough for Dally to ride, only to feed and let the horses out. He was dying to get into the saddle again.

He walked away from the stall and fed the stallion a couple of carrots and headed toward the tack room. In the dim light, he eyed a western saddle, inspected it and carried it out into the barn. He went back for stirrups, a halter and bit, and carried it all to the mare's stall.

XXX

He started out slow. Just a cautious trot around the pasture until he got his bearings back. He felt her strength beneath him, and he listened to the sound of her hooves on the earth and the way she snorted every so often. The pasture was green and overgrown and ruled by horseflies.

"Come on," he said, digging his boots at her sides. "Let's go."

It didn't take long until he was pushing her faster and faster, stretching her legs and his. He pushed her into a steady gallop around and around, back and forth. The reigns were loose in his hands, and he leaned forward and let everything fall away. The crisp air bit at his cheeks, blew right through him, but he didn't care. For the first time in a long time, he didn't think about anything else except for what was right in front of him.

He ran her until he knew he had to stop, and he slowed her down, speaking in soft tones as he walked her around the pasture to cool off.

Dally dismounted and led the mare toward the fence where filled a bucket from the spigot. She drank and Dally worked on getting off the saddle.

"I forgot how much you and Harlan always liked to race."

Dally looked up and noticed Lane sitting on the bumper of his old truck. It annoyed him that the old man was so damn quiet and sneaky, too, it appeared.

"Yeah."

"I remember you and Harlan in all those races around here. You always whipped him. Even a city boy like you," Lane said. Dally tried to focus on the horse. "And then your daddy sent you off to New York. I never did get that."

"What's to get? He couldn't stand me so he sent me to my mom. She hates me, too and sent me back."

Lane's old face softened, and he shook his head.

"They don't hate you, son. They're just poor folk that don't know how to do any better. Harlan's in prison 'cause I couldn't do no better for him."

Dally wanted to tell Lane that Harlan was in jail because he was a dumb fuck, but he kept it to himself. He kept all of the rest of his thoughts to himself, too. One of the last things he wanted to talk about were his parents, especially his dad.

"Does he know you're here?"

"Good ol' Charlie don't know fucking shit about me."

Lane just looked at him, and Dally didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to deal with adults that actually seemed to pay attention to him.

"What do you want from me?" Dally asked.

"I don't want a thing from you, boy. Just want to see you get back on your feet again."

There had to be a catch. Lane stood up and walked toward the fence. He leaned on it as he studied the mare.

"I didn't do right by Harlan. Lord knows I was too hard on the boy, and I drove him away. I ain't your father, Dallas, but I can be something of the sort if you want me to be. Even if you don't, I'm going to do what I can to help you if you accept it." He paused, as if waiting on Dally to thank him or something. "It's the least I can do for family."

Dally stared at him and then at the horse. He didn't know what to make of everything Lane just said because no one had ever offered him anything like that. Nothing like that had happened before.

Lane patted Dally's shoulder and started to hobble away. Dally was about to call out to him, but he stopped himself. It wasn't that he wasn't thankful, he just didn't want to admit to it.

Instead of calling out his gratitude, he just said, "What's her name?"

Pivoting on his cane, Lane turned around. "That's the First Lady."

"What?"

"She's named after one of the first ladies, anyway. That's Eleanor."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Dally muttered, patting the horse's neck as Lane headed back to the house. "_El_eanor. Jesus Christ."

XXX

Angry did not quite hit the nail on the head. No, Ellie was pissed off. All around her everyone seemed to have an opinion on her life, and they were pretty casual about sharing it with each other. What burned her the most wasn't that they had their opinions; it was that no one seemed to care a thing in the world about how she felt. They just judged her and then had the nerve to get angry about it.

She found Ponyboy pretty easily after school. He was home, sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. Once again, he pointedly ignored her. He focused on his homework, cool as a cat, writing in a notebook like she wasn't even there.

"You have got to be kidding me."

She got nothing from him. Not even a flinch, not even a pause of his pencil. Inside, she had reached a boiling point, leaning across the table, she swept the textbook and notebook to the floor. He sighed heavily and watched as his pencil rolled until it hit the baseboard under the sink. Then he looked at her.

"You can't ignore me," she told him.

"But you can ignore everyone else when it suits you?"

She really didn't mean to push everyone else to the side, it was just Dally that did that to her. It was something did not mean to do, she just couldn't help it. And it didn't help anything when they all tried to tell her what was best for her.

"You don't get it. I've told you that time and again."

"Get what? That you're crazy because you have seriously been waiting around for some stupid jerk like Dallas?"

"I know it's dumb, okay? I know that I'm wasting my time and my energy on him because everyone is so damn quick to tell me that's what I'm doing. But you know what? That's my choice. Just because you don't like him is no reason for the rest of us to just forget he ever existed."

Pony stood up, pointed a finger at her and said coldly, "I don't not like him, I hate him."

For a second, he sounded just like Dally.

"He got Johnny killed."

"You don't believe that."

"Oh, I don't?"

"You can't because that doesn't make any sense. Dally loved Johnny."

"No, Dally only loves himself."

"You call me selfish? You should listen to yourself. You get like this, and it's all about you all the time. No one else can ever be right because your opinion matters most."

When he laughed at her, it was as dry and rough as sandpaper.

"And you're any different? You never told Wade about Dally. That was an outright lie to a guy that's treated you far better than you deserve."

There was nothing like a person who was supposed to be your best friend thinking you deserved nothing. Ellie swallowed her surprise with her hurt and tried to dish out some of her own.

"Dally was never any of his business. He's my business and besides, you told him Dally was nobody. What was I ever going to tell him?"

"I don't care what you might have told him. Maybe you just should have told him not to get too attached to you or anything."

"Aren't you supposed to be his friend? You could have done that, warned him for me," she spat. "How would you even know how I feel? You've never cared about anybody but yourself in your entire life."

"What are you talking about?"

"You never cared about Cathy the way I cared about Dally or Wade."

"And you've never cared about Wade the way you cared about Dally, so I don't think you're one to talk about anyone else. You were the one that told me you didn't even like Cathy."

"That certainly wasn't the reason the two of you broke up."

He picked up his books and set them back on the table, opening back to where he was working. He sat there and acted like she wasn't even there again.

For a minute, she let him work in peace before she started in again. "Johnny loved Dally. He was his hero. You wrote that in your theme, remember? How could anything Johnny cared so much about be so bad?"

The front door opened and closed. Someone was whistling. Pony kept working on his school work while Ellie stood there like a fool. When Soda walked into the kitchen, he stopped mid-step, his whistle ending as he looked at her and then at Pony. His eyebrows went up with a silent question. She ignored him.

"You're supposed to be my friend, Pony. You were my friend long before you were Wade's friend."

"That doesn't mean anything," he said, not looking up.

Soda looked like he was about to open his mouth, and she put her hand up to stop him.

"It does when we've been through so much. I'm not going to lose you over Dally, but I'm not giving up on Dally either."

Pony looked up at her again, but he said nothing. She shifted her weight under his uncomfortable stare.

"He needs someone, and there's no one here. I never said I was looking to get back with him. I want to make sure he's okay," she said. "How would you feel if you came back after two years and you had nothing?"

"The problem with him is that he asked for nothing. He got himself shot, he went to jail, he ignored everyone. Now he's gone because that's what he wanted. He doesn't want anyone, Ellie. Clearly not even you."

That hit her like a rock. Slowly she sat down in the chair in front of her, resting her hands on the table. Dally wanted nothing and now everyone considered him as nothing. And it appeared that was the same way he felt about her.

Soda pulled out a third chair and sat down between them.

"Guys, this is pointless."

She wanted to tell him to butt out, but somehow the tone in his voice calmed her down. She felt his hand on her wrist and studied him as he put his other hand on Pony's arm.

"Nothing is ever good when any of us is fighting, and for some reason when it's you two, it's the worst."

Soda, ever the peacemaker, looked determined to settle this.

Pony, on the other hand, seemed to care less. "Get over him."

With that he scooted out his chair and walked to his room, slamming the door behind him. She and Soda sat in silence for a minute.

"Sorry."

"For what? It's not your fault," she said, sliding her arm out from under his and crossing them on the table top.

"I feel like it is 'cause of what I pulled you into when I went and saw Sandy."

Soda's eyes were remorseful, and she felt bad that he was putting any blame on himself.

"I'm the problem," she said. "Or maybe Dally is."

He gave her a half smile. "I think it's his problem, and everyone else's. It's none of their business, you know?"

The best part about Soda was that he knew exactly what she felt.

"I'll talk to him again," she said.

"Now?"

"Well, I'll try and talk to him."

"That's probably as close as you'll come. He's worse than Darry with how stubborn he's become."

"Sounds an awful lot like Dally if you ask me."

Soda laughed a little and said quietly, "I wouldn't tell him that if I were you."

Cautiously, she knocked on his bedroom door. She tried the knob and found it was locked. She knocked again and was met with silence. Pressing her ear against the door, she listened for him and gathered her thoughts.

"I'm not trying to get back with him, I just want to know that he's okay," she said through the door. "I think I owe him that much."

Without so much as a peep from the other side, she pulled her ear away from the door and gave Soda a look from where he was watching down the hallway. He shook his head. He looked annoyed with Pony.

"I'm just worried about Dally," she said, practically begging someone to believe her.

"Why are you so worried about him?" Soda asked.

With a deep breath she thought about Tim and the warning he gave her about Dally. It made her shake a little as she released her breath.

"Tim said he was different. He told me he thought Dally might end up trying what he did before he was arrested. Get shot up again, you know?"

"When did you talk to Tim?" he asked.

She froze. She realized too late that she wasn't honest with most of her friends after she had gone to the prison. She swallowed hard, knowing there wasn't a way out of this. "When I went to see Dally, I chickened out. I asked to see Tim instead."

Soda raised his eyebrows a little, and she knew exactly what he was thinking. It involved Steve's big mouth and a crowbar she took to Tim's car.

"Thought you didn't want anyone to know that for some reason," Pony said.

She turned around to find him leaning in the doorway, watching her closely. Soda cleared his throat and she looked at him.

"You said that Dally wouldn't see you," he said. "Did you even try to?"

"I couldn't bring myself to. I think I knew he wouldn't agree to see me."

Behind her she could feel Pony's eyes on her and she looked at Soda, silently begging him to keep everything he knew about Tim to himself. He seemed to understand, but he looked uneasy about it.

She started for the door but turned around before she walked outside. "This doesn't mean I'm breaking up with Wade, Pony. I know I screwed up, and I'll talk to him."

"I hope you mean that. Wade is crazy for you, and I can't figure out why," he said. "But he's really upset, you know?"

Once again, he proved her point. Wade was hurt, but what about her feelings? She decided not to bring it up because it seemed that for the moment, her friendship with Pony hinged on how she treated Wade. One glance at Soda, and she thought that maybe he had reached the same conclusion.

"I'm going to find him now," she said. She had to before she lost the nerve. Deep down, she knew Pony was at least partially right. Wade deserved a lot more than what she had given him.

XXX

Two-Bit sat back in the booth across from Steve while the girls were in the bathroom. Jay's was pretty hopping since it was a weekend night, but they had found a nice booth in the back corner away from most everybody else.

"The girls seem to be getting along pretty good," Two-Bit said.

"Yeah, they seem to like each other. Carolyn's nice."

"Yeah?" he asked, leaning forward a little. "She's cute, ain't she?"

Steve nodded. "I've never really gone for girls with glasses, but yeah. She's real cute."

"She's a trip, man. I like her a lot."

"Well, she's perfect for you."

Two-Bit grinned. His mama had told him that about a hundred times since Carolyn met her.

"How's it going with Evie?"

Steve shrugged. "Okay. Better, I guess. She don't seem to hate me as much as she did."

"That's a good sign."

"I'm thinking about getting her a ring."

"You're gonna go through with it?"

"You make it sound like I'm about to sign my death warrant."

"You just don't sound all that excited about it," Two-Bit said. He thought back to the New Year's party. "You're gonna have to look at least half as happy as Darry did when he proposed. And this? The way you look right now? That's not gonna cut it."

Steve sighed and looked back in the direction of the restrooms. "It's not that I don't want us to get married."

"You could've fooled me."

"I don't know what it is. Cold feet, I guess."

"Just tell her that."

"I love her, you know?"

Two-Bit nodded. "Sure. I think everybody who knows you knows that."

"What if I get drafted or something?"

"All the more reason to get married," he replied. It seemed like the guys around them were all dying to get hitched because they were getting drafted. It surprised him a little that that was exactly what was holding Steve back.

"No, I mean, what if I get drafted and then I …"

Two-Bit stopped him. "I know what you mean. I still think that's just another reason you oughta get married before any of that happens."

Steve nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"It'll be all right, man. It'll all work out."

"What will?" Evie asked as the girls walked back up to the table.

"Oh, this whole mess with Ellie and Wade," Two-Bit replied, quickly and casually.

"That's the boy from the party with the cowboy hat?" Carolyn asked. He had kind of sprung his friends on her at the New Year's Eve party they had, and she was still trying to catch up.

"He's a cute kid," Evie said.

"Yeah, he is," Carolyn agreed. "That cowboy hat made him even cuter. You ever think about a cowboy hat, Two-Bit? It might bring out your sideburns."

"And take away from this gorgeous face? Not a chance. Now, Steve, on the other hand …"

"And mess up this?" Evie asked, pointing at his perfectly coiffed hair.

Steve held up a hand to protect it. "Not on your life. I'll leave the cowboy hat-wearing to Wade."

"I wish Ellie would just forget about Dally, though," Evie said.

"From what Two-Bit's told me, he sounds like her first love, though," Carolyn replied. "That's hard to get over."

"Who was your first love?" Two-Bit asked.

She rested her chin on her hand and smiled. "Oh, that's pretty personal, don't you think?"

"Well, I'm a person. And I know Evie's a person. Steve, I'm not so sure about, but maybe." He studied her for a second, thinking about how they had all gone to school with each other. It still baffled him that he couldn't remember her. "It's somebody we all know, isn't it?"

She looked at him for a brief moment before she nodded.

He grinned. "It was me, wasn't it? That's why you were so quick to flirt with me at work."

"Oh, Two-Bit," she said, a dreamy look on her face. "My first love was, and always will be, Ricky Nelson."

His grin faltered for a second. "Did I ever tell you that my favorite song is 'Travelin' Man?' I've been told I've got a great singing voice."

"I had no idea."

"Follow me," he said, gesturing to the juke box. "I'll prove it. You two care to join us?"

"No, thanks," Steve replied. He wrapped his arm around Evie and they both settled back. "We'll just enjoy the show."

"Your loss," he muttered, digging change out of his pocket.

Carolyn was leaning against the wall as Two-Bit plunked his money in the machine, preparing to put her first love to shame.

XXX

Ellie hopped on a bus and then walked the rest of the way to the bowling alley. She was sure Wade was working, and if she didn't go talk to him while she had a little bit of nerve and a nearly clear head, she would never do it.

It was a league bowling night, and the whole place was loud and crowded with old people in button down shirts with funny names on the back. She headed straight for the concession counter but stopped mid-way there. The scene in front of her looked too staged to be true. Wade was on one side of the counter, leaning into it talking to some girl. She was a girl in their grade, but Ellie didn't really know who she was. All she could see was a pretty girl with long blonde hair, clearly flirting with her boyfriend. From where she stood, Ellie could see that she was from the other side of the tracks for sure, someone more Wade's style. As they talked, she kept leaning close to him, scuffing one of her ugly bowling shoes along the dingy floor.

They had definitely been chatting for awhile because she was holding a cup that she handed back to him to refill, which he did with a stupid grin on his face. As he turned back to give her the Coke, he caught sight of Ellie. He froze with the drink in his hand, just staring at her. The expression in his eyes, though, were extremely out of character for him. He looked nearly as angry as he did when he had pushed her.

For a moment, she thought about stomping over there and claiming what was hers, but she didn't. It didn't exactly worry her that he was talking to some other girl. She looked between the two of them, knowing she wasn't giving him much of an idea as to what she was thinking. It only seemed to throw him off for a few seconds, because he looked back at the blonde and handed her the Coke. He leaned into the counter again, closer to her. It could have been for him to better hear her, but it didn't look like it.

Ellie watched him talk to the girl, and it was like she was seeing him for the first time. She had never really considered it before, but seeing him the way other girls probably saw him, he was downright good looking. Even with the goofy apron he wore at work and the silly cowboy hat he wore the rest of the time, he was a handsome boy with his dirty blond hair and blue eyes. None of that was a match for what a genuinely nice person he was, though.

She turned around and walked out the door, confident Wade didn't even look at her again. He was treating her like dirt, just like he said.

_And I know that when she said she's gonna try  
>Well, it might not work because of other ties<br>And I know she usually has some other ties  
>And I wouldn't want to break 'em.<br>_


	22. You and I Now

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Mumford and Sons owns "Feel the Tide."**

* * *

><p><strong>February 1969<strong>

_The merciless moon outside,  
>Has nothing now he's come to realize,<br>Only the desolation he feels,  
>The cold distance inside<em>

Dally sped down the dusty lane from his uncle's house into the heart of town. It felt good to be driving a car, although Lane's old rust bucket wasn't much to brag about. It didn't ride nearly as good as Buck's car did, but Dally wasn't really in much of a position to complain. It just felt good to be behind the wheel again.

He stopped by one of the stores in town to get a bag of horse feed, and then took the change from the money Lane gave him to get a burger from the little joint down the street. He sat at a bar stool by the window as he ate.

He had taken to wearing some of his cousin's clothes, and Harlan was quite a bit bigger than he was. Dally was never very big himself, but weight had slid off while he was in the big house. Since he had been at Lane's, he could tell a difference in how his own clothes had been fitting, and Harlan's were fitting him better, too. His uncle wasn't the best cook in the world, but it was home cooking which was still pretty damn good, even when it was bad.

He sat by the window, watching the occasional car or truck drive down the road, and realized suddenly that he felt content for the first time in a long time. Maybe even in his whole life. Hell, he almost felt happy. At the very least, he felt like a weight was off his shoulders, one that he wasn't even aware he had been carrying around. There was something about being in a place so far from home and so far from all the people he knew that made him feel relaxed. He vaguely wondered how messed up that was before he pushed that thought from his mind. He didn't necessarily like Windrixville itself, but it was good for the time being. It was exactly what he needed.

XXX

It had been hard for Wade to really think the last few days. He felt numb and angry at the same time. He hated that he was mad at Ellie, and hated even more that she gave him such a good reason to be mad at her.

When he shut his locker, she was standing there. She hugged a textbook to her chest like she was guarding herself, and she squeaked out a_ hello_. Ignoring her face-to-face was hard for him, so he just nodded and brushed by her. It was seriously the hardest thing to do when all he wanted to just wrap an arm around her and proclaim to the world that she was his girlfriend. It surprised him when she kept up beside him, and he surprised himself by slowing down so that she could.

"Can I talk to you?"

He looked down at her, and she was staring right at him. In the year or so since they had been dating, he had gotten used to blank looks and empty eyes, but right then she seemed to really be there. She looked at him like that so seldom that he found it hard to refuse her when she actually did.

"When?"

One of her small hands pushed on his arm, directing him down a hallway. It was the wrong way from where they were supposed to be heading and he stopped.

"I asked you when."

"How about now?"

"We have class right now."

She smiled, and there was an instant mischievous look in her eyes.

"I know."

"Are you kidding? We'll get in trouble."

But he let her thread her arm through his and lead him through the hallways. They were really thinning out, and the bell would ring in only a few seconds.

"The worst trouble you'll get in for skipping class is a detention. Please don't tell me you're afraid of a detention."

Only a little afraid, but he wouldn't tell her that. He had never skipped a class in his life and he really had no idea how his parents would take a detention. It would definitely get him in more trouble than she would, but still he let her guide him through the halls.

She peeked around the corner of a hallway and motioned for him to follow. At the end of a very wide hallway, she opened a door and he followed her inside.

They walked up a flight of stairs and came out on the upper level of the auxiliary gym. No classes were in there this period, and he looked over the musty gym with disgust.

"You wanted to skip so you could bring me here?"

He turned to face her, and she stood there with her arms at her sides, eyes big and trained on him.

"I need to talk to you, and I wanted it to be just us."

Raising his arms up in a shrug, he said, "We're alone. Probably in huge trouble, but alone."

"Would you calm down?" she said as she sat down. She took off her shoes and scooted to the edge of the balcony and hung her feet over, resting her arms and chin on one of the lower rungs of the railing. "I wouldn't get you in trouble on purpose. Two-Bit used to come here to take naps between classes. Said he never once got caught."

With a sigh, he sat down next to her, but he put a little space between them.

"For some reason, that doesn't give me much confidence in this hiding spot."

"It should. He wouldn't steer me wrong."

For a minute he thought about that and without looking at her, he asked, "What about you?"

"You mean would I steer you wrong?"

"Yeah."

"I know I owe you an apology and an explanation," she said. He watched her feet move nervously instead of watching her face. "And I'm going to try to."

"Are you?"

She cleared her throat and just started talking. "I've known Dally since I was a kid, and pretty much since then, I've just always kind of liked him. Nothing really happened until a few years ago, right about when I turned 15. We just started going out and we got pretty serious fast."

He didn't know exactly know how to define what she meant by pretty serious, but he took it to mean more serious than she had ever been about him. Cautiously, he looked at her.

"Everyone was so mad I was going out with him. Steve did everything he could to make me break up with him, and everyone else just tried to ignore it. Not really Two-Bit, he was okay with it. He was about the only one, too.

"We weren't going out so long when he cheated on me. I found out and I was pretty mad about it." She paused when he gave her a look. "Really mad. It really hurt me because I know he treated me different than the other girls he'd been with. He really cared."

"But he still cheated on you, and you clearly forgave him."

She was biting her lower lip, something he noticed she did when she was nervous.

"No one knows him like I do. Everyone is so quick to tell me how bad of a guy he is and how bad he treats me, but it's not true. He would kill me if I started blabbing about how sweet he could be, even when he wasn't. The truth is that I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, not so bad that I couldn't get over it."

That made absolutely no sense, and he just stared at her.

"Okay, let me explain it different. You're the way you are, sweet and kind and just an all around good person, because of your family, because of the way you were raised. But Dally? He has a dad that hates him. When he was little, he sent him off to New York to live with his mom. He wasn't there too long before she sent him right back."

"And that's an excuse for treating you like dirt? For being a jerk all the time?"

"Pony told you that, huh? He doesn't know anything, he never did. He probably told you how mean and cold Dally is, which he is because that's just who he is, but the really funny thing? Pony acts just like him anymore."

She sounded so bitter the way she said it, and he shook his head. "I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but Pony isn't like that at all and you know it. Like I said, Dally sounds like a real jerk. And no one really seems to think he's worth much worry."

That really seemed to fluster her. "Don't talk about him like that. You've never met him. You don't know."

He frowned. She was defending him again. All of a sudden, he could see this whole scenario leading to her breaking up with him, and he quietly started finding the right words so he could do it first. She kept talking, though.

"You don't get it. You didn't grow up like he did, like any of the rest of us did."

"But no one else is like he supposedly is. Pony said he'd been in trouble dozens of times, and that it was only a matter of time before he really got put away. He's a bad person, Ellie."

For a minute, she got real quiet and seemed to be studying her hands that were now clasped together in her lap. "Did you know his dad never once came to see him when he was in the hospital? His own son was shot and hurt, and he didn't even come.

"Dally hates his dad so much because he was so awful to him. You know, he wasn't exactly shy about anything, but his dad was one thing he would never talk about. He hated him, and I know it's because his dad hates him. His own son."

There was nothing he could say to that because he had a dad that cared, and a mom, too. He didn't want to compare himself to Dally because he knew he would never really match up, but he knew that if he were in a bad spot, both of his parents would be there by his side. He couldn't imagine what his life would be like if they didn't care.

"You take a lot of things for granted, Wade. You don't know what a lot of us would give to have what you have."

That was what made him so angry. He was offering that to her. All he wanted to do was be a part of her life, to make her happy, to just be with her, but she spent so much time trying to distance herself from him that she made it impossible.

"Why are you telling me any of this? I really don't care who he is or anything about him. I guess I just want to know where I stand in all of this."

He spoke louder than he meant to, and her eyes were wide. She looked so thrown off that he almost got up and left.

"All I want to do is make sure he's okay. He's got no one else."

"Why wouldn't he be okay?"

With nervous hands she gathered her long hair together and smoothed it over one shoulder. For a few seconds she played with the ends and then she said, "They told you everything, right? About what he did after Johnny died?"

Vaguely, he knew what had happened. Pony gave him a short version once before. He knew it was bad, though. Seeing the absolute pain in her eyes, he let her go on.

"I tried so hard to stop him. After Johnny died I followed him, but he didn't want me around. He pushed me away like he never had before. And that gun he had? He pointed it at me."

Ice and fire filled his veins. She kept a torch for a guy that pointed a gun at her?

"But it wasn't loaded. I know he did it just to scare me off so I'd leave him alone."

"Who cares if it wasn't loaded? He pointed a gun at you, Ellie. That's crazy."

"The cops shot him. One guy with an empty gun and a whole bunch of cops shot at him. I still can't believe he survived, and I know he can't either. I don't know what went through his head, but it wasn't good. He couldn't handle Johnny dying like that. It's like Pony put in his theme, about Johnny being the only thing Dally ever really loved."

"So, let me get this straight: You love a guy who you just said didn't love you, who probably took advantage of you, cheated on you, threatened to shoot you and then didn't even have enough courage to face something bad that happened to him? Did I get all that?"

She shook her head and for a second, her eyes glistened with tears. Amazingly she blinked them back and in a tone that matched his, she said, "No. I'm trying to be there for a friend. For a guy that I've known for a long time that has nobody in this world. All of his friends have turned their backs on him, and he has no family that cares. I'm trying to be someone he can count on. Someone who actually gives a damn that he's still alive."

Her face had turned red as she spoke and once she stopped, she held his gaze for a minute before she looked away again. She stared down at the gym floor. "I've been trying to forget him. I know it doesn't seem like that, but I have. Maybe now you see why he's so hard to forget. He's a person, too, and he's been hurt and maybe someday he might realize he needs someone."

"Why does that person have to be you?"

"Because no one else will," she said, fervently. "Wade, I swear that I'm not trying to get back with him. I've heard what everyone has been saying to me, I really have."

"What have they been saying?"

She bit her bottom lip and took a breath. "That I have what I need right in front of me."

He took that with a grain of salt. "The thing is, El, I don't know if I believe you when you say that you only want to make sure he's okay. Maybe it's what you think you want, to be a good friend and all, but all I can think about is all the time we've spent together that you weren't really there. All those times you were suddenly stand-offish, when you were mean. Like in the summertime after Soda left, you hardly talked to me. You wouldn't let me touch you. I didn't get it then, but now I know you were thinking about him. You're never going to be able to really let go of him."

She looked at him until he stopped speaking. He could see how hard she was breathing, struggling to keep herself under control. Anytime before this she would have said something to put him down, to shut him up. But for some reason she was taking it.

"I went to go see him in prison," she said, "but I chickened out. I saw Tim instead. Tim said he was so different, maybe even suicidal, and that he never would have agreed to see me anyway. I wrote Dally letters for a year, and he never once replied to me."

This was all new information to process, and he tried to follow along. Why had she never told him any of this?

"After that, I made up my mind to forget about him, and I was supposed to have two years to get over it. Him getting out early threw me through a loop. I really didn't know what to do. I don't know how to face him, and I would never know what to say to him because I know he's not going to listen to me anyway. I'm afraid he's going to get himself killed or do something else dumb. Maybe he won't if he knew he still had someone who cared about him."

Slowly, she reached her hand across and set it on his. Her fingers were freezing.

"I decided to give up on him so I could focus on you. I really like you, Wade. It's taken all of this stuff with Dally for me to realize that I have what I need right here."

That was something he wanted to hear, but there was still a problem.

"What if he comes back one day?"

"What?"

"He's clearly back, out of jail and all. Do you really think that he's never going to come back?"

The bafflement that spread over her face told him that she really didn't think he was coming back. She said, "If you knew him, you'd believe that. He doesn't want anything to do with me or Tulsa. Two years of silence taught me that."

"But what if he does?"

She shifted a little, and Wade pulled his hand away from hers. He watched her hand pull back and rest in her lap again. Suddenly, she wouldn't even look at him and that was answer enough.

"You'd go with him if you saw him."

"I don't know what I'd do."

"You would, though. He could show up at any moment, and you would drop everything all over again just to see him, huh? You know what I hate? I have no idea what he looks like so that if I see him first, I can make sure you don't."

She swallowed hard, he watched her throat constrict as she tried to talk. Instead, she scooted closer to him, put her frozen hands on either side of his face and said, "You make me happy. Have I ever told you that? You're the only guy that's ever actually tried to make me happy."

And she kissed him. It was a sign, or so he thought, to fight for her. He knew that it wasn't just Dally that treated her so badly, Tim had, too. She told him that he made her happy, and he very much wanted to make her happy. The times that she was happy, she was a different person. She treated him differently and was so much closer to him. Hesitantly he kissed her back.

"Promise me you won't have anything to do with him."

She opened her eyes, and pulled back from him a little.

"He's my friend, Wade, whether he ignored me for two years or not. I'm still going to be his friend if he comes back."

All Dallas Winston would ever be was trouble between them. He knew that, and he didn't even know the guy. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't agree with her, but he nodded anyway. Friends he could deal with, but he wasn't going to stand for her to push him aside again for reasons having to deal with Dallas. He was not going to let her walk all over his feelings like that.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm not sorry about Cheryl."

A cool look spread over her face, and her eyebrow went up a hair. "Who's Cheryl?"

"That girl at the bowling alley the other day. It was nothing. Her parents bowl in one of the leagues, and she's always there. She's nice."

It was dare to her, to not toy with him anymore, but he didn't mean for it to come out as mean as he said it. She must have known, though, because she smiled a little and leaned in to kiss him again. Just before she did, she said, "You're just like Soda. All the girls just flock to you."

"Ain't you worried?" he asked, smiling a little. Her lips brushed his softly.

"You're too much of a good guy," she said, and she kissed him full on.

The bell rang, but it wasn't so loud in the gym, and Wade ignored it and slid a hand around her waist. They sat quietly for a minute until he pulled away.

"Now, I really can't miss chemistry," he said, scooting away from the railing.

She nodded. "I can't miss history either."

He got up and was gathering his books when he heard footsteps.

"Hey, you!" It was a teacher, and Wade crouched down. "Young lady, what are you doing up there? The gym is closed this class period."

Ellie gestured for Wade to stay where he was. He was so far back from the railing the teacher must not have been able to see him.

"I was just using this as a study hall," she replied. "I didn't know it was closed."

"Get down here right now," the teacher demanded.

She scooted away from the railing and turned to Wade. She mouthed something that looked like, "Stay here."

He shook his head, and she nodded once before she winked at him.

He listened to her, staying right where he was until he heard her walking across the tile of the gym floor.

"You're going right to the principal's office," the man said. Wade scooted forward as much as he dared and watched as she and the teacher walked away. "I hope sneaking into the gymnasium was worth a detention."

"It was," she replied quietly. The teacher looked down at her before he opened the door to the hallway. She lagged behind just enough to give him a smile and a thumbs-up.

Wade still waited another minute before he got up. He wasn't so sure she wouldn't lead him right into trouble, but he was pretty sure she was worth it.

XXX

Dally took his time getting back to Lane's, although there wasn't a whole hell of a lot to do in the sorry excuse for a town in Windrixville. He had never really thought of Tulsa as a big city, especially after spending time in New York, but compared to Hick Town, USA, Tulsa was the entire world.

He drove down the country road, heading back to his uncle's. He looked around as he drove, looking at all the empty space around him. A couple of the fields had a handful of cows munching on grass, but mostly it was just space. In a way, he liked it, especially after two whole years of having no space at all. On the other hand, it was too much, and it made him feel even more lost than he knew he already was.

As he gazed around, he noticed a big hill off to his left. It looked familiar, but there was something different about it. When he realized what it was, he slammed on the brakes of the truck and skidded off to the side of the road. The car behind him honked their horn and swerved around him, but Dally didn't pay any attention. He just kept staring at that hill he and his cousin used to play around when they were little. That place where it would make a pretty good hideout if anybody ever got in too deep to something they couldn't get out of.

Jay Mountain. The only thing missing was that rotted out church that burned to the ground.

It was stupid that the significance of Windrixville had never even occurred to him. He went there because his uncle lived there, and Dally knew he would help him out. He went there to avoid everything from back home, but all the bad things from home were here now.

He had kept Johnny out of his head for the better part of a year, but there wasn't any avoiding him now. He stared up at the mountain, unable to see anything except a bare patch of grass at the top. He knew the water pump out back was probably the only thing that was still up there. It suddenly seemed to occur to him that there wasn't a place in the world he could run to where he didn't find something that reminded him of home. It gave him a sharp pain in his chest, and he vaguely wondered if that was what a heart attack felt like.

Gripping the steering wheel, he hit the gas harder than he needed to, slinging gravel and dirt as he cut off a car behind him. Part of him wanted to drive up there and see just what was left, but he kept driving. He drove right out of the city limits.

XXX

It was dark by the time he made it back to Lane's. He carried the bag of feed to the barn and stood outside of the mare's stall. She whinnied softly when he held out his hand. She seemed a little annoyed when she realized he didn't have a carrot for her.

"I'll bring you one tomorrow," he said quietly, wondering why he was going to be there the next day. He couldn't even figure out why he was there now, other than the fact that he didn't have a dime to his name or a place to go. He hated to admit it, even just to himself, but he liked his uncle, and he wasn't ready to steal the old man's truck right out from under him. He rubbed at the horse's muzzle and listened to her tail swish behind her. He felt himself calming down in a way only a fight usually calmed him down. He stood there for a long time, leaned against the stall door, petting the horse until she finally got bored and turned away from him. He clicked his tongue to get the attention of the stallion, but he never listened to anything. Reluctantly, Dally finally walked back to the house.

"That was a mighty long trip for some horse feed," Lane remarked from his seat at the table where he was eating a sandwich.

"I got hung up with something."

Lane just nodded. "Got enough for another turkey sandwich in the fridge if you want."

"I'm not hungry."

His uncle didn't say anything, and Dally walked back to his room. He stretched out on the bed and kicked off his boots, that sharp pain still lingering in his chest.

_But you and I now, know we can be alright,  
>Just hold on to what we know is true,<br>You and I now, __though it's cold inside,  
>Feel the tide turning<em>

* * *

><p><em>AN: Even though we can't offer out actual prizes, give yourself a pat on the back reviewer number 200, whomever you may be. :-)_


	23. I Know What I've Done

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Mumford and Sons own "Dust Bowl Dance."**

* * *

><p><em>I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill<br>And now I am sure my heart can never be still  
>So collect your courage and collect your horse<br>And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse_

**February 1969**

Just like a virus, the idea grew on him. Nothing could shake it, nothing could cure it. He got the nerve up and put the saddle on the stallion for once instead of the mare, and rode out of the pasture through the far gate he had opened. He followed no path, no proven route; he just rode in the general direction of Jay Mountain.

What wasn't so far in his uncle's truck took nearly an hour of riding for him to spot in the distance. He stopped there, right where he could see the extent of the hill and stared. As he stared memories started flashing through his mind, none of them the good kind of memories. He could see Pony and Johnny run into that church that wasn't there anymore, he could hear Johnny's screams and the frightening sound of the roof collapsing with them still inside. It was a wonder, he realized, that he was still alive.

He rode a little closer, but he only made it to the bottom of the hill. Looking up the grassy incline, he chickened out. There was no way he was going up there. All that was up there were the memories of a kid that no one cared to save. Not even he had been able to get to Johnny in time. The one damn kid in the whole world who deserved better than he got and instead he died.

Dally rolled up his sleeve and looked at the burn scars on his arm. That was all he got, a whole lot of nothing. There were other scars, too, but they were as futile as the burn scar. He wondered if he could have done anything different, but he didn't know how he could have.

For two years, he had done all he could to not think about Johnny or anyone else for that matter. He knew it would drive him crazy with guilt. Those few moments that the thoughts made their way into his brain were what gave him that pain in his chest. Johnny was the best kind of person, and Dally knew that he was the worst of all. How could it be that neither he nor Johnny ever got what they deserved?

XXX

Pony walked up to the food counter at the bowling alley and waited until Wade wasn't busy. He had asked him to meet him after school but didn't say why.

"What's up?"

"Hey," Wade said. "Hang on just a second, okay? I gotta get something."

Pony leaned on the counter, looking around the alley. It was pretty dead since it was a week night and there weren't any leagues playing at the moment. Wade walked back over shortly and slid an envelope across the counter.

Pony read the return address and looked up at Wade. "Oh, man."

Wade grinned. "You can say that again. New York University."

He just stood there, staring at the tiny letters in the corner of the envelope. NYU.

"Well, come on," Wade said. "Ain't you gonna open it?"

"Yeah," he said, although he still stood there for a long time, just staring at it. It wasn't like it was the first response he had gotten from the colleges he had applied to. He had gotten several responses, all positive, from the local universities around Oklahoma. He realized as he tore into the envelope to read the letter just how much he had been looking forward to the possibility of going to New York for school. It hadn't really occurred to him before. Of course he wanted to go; he wouldn't have applied if he didn't, but the way his breath was caught in his throat told him how disappointed he would be if he were rejected.

He read the first line and couldn't hold back the grin on his face. He couldn't even focus on the words long enough to read what the whole thing said, and Wade ripped it out of his hands.

"Mr. Curtis," Wade read, "We are writing to congratulate you on your acceptance into New York University …"

Pony blocked out everything else he read, focusing only on the most important part of the letter: he had gotten into NYU.

"Wow," Wade said, folding up the letter and passing it back to Pony. "What are you gonna do?"

"To be honest, I haven't really thought this far."

"Come on, you didn't really think they wouldn't accept you, did you?"

Pony shrugged. "Sure. They could have rejected me."

"But they didn't. Are you going?"

"I'd like to talk to Mr. Syme first. I can't decide about going until I figure out how to pay for it all. Maybe he can help me find some scholarships to apply for. Because if I can't get scholarships, there's no reason to even get my hopes up."

"You'll get plenty of scholarships. With your grades and track and everything? Sure. You'll get lots of scholarships." He reached across the counter and punched Pony in the shoulder. "Congratulations. This is a big deal."

He folded the letter carefully and tucked it in his back pocket. "Hey, do your parents think it's weird that my mail is being sent to your house?"

Wade shrugged a little. "Sure. Mom just really thinks you should tell Darry about all this."

"You told her why I couldn't have these sent to my house?"

"Well, yeah," he replied with a goofy grin. "What else was I going to tell her?"

Pony considered that and nodded. He figured if his mom were still around, he'd probably be telling her everything, too.

"I think she's right, too," Wade added. "You oughta tell Darry. I think he'd be real happy for you."

"Yeah, I'm sure he will be. I just don't know exactly how to tell him."

"Simple. Take that acceptance letter and tape it to the kitchen table. Or the front door. Or the bathroom mirror. He'd probably figure out what it meant pretty fast."

"You sound like Two-Bit."

Wade smirked a little.

"That's not really a compliment," Pony added. "I just don't think he'd be crazy about the idea at first. I think it'll take some time to warm up to it."

"Just how long?"

"Maybe my freshman year?"

"I think you've probably got to tell him before that. He might notice when you're not around for dinner. Or the weekend. Or Christmas."

Pony nodded. "Yeah. You're probably right. I'll tell him."

He just didn't think he could.

XXX

It was his fault. He had ridden the stallion hard for the last quarter mile or so, thinking he could just put that burned out church out of his head if he got far enough away. But something had happened when they were close to Lane's pasture. The old stallion had fallen, and Dally had been thrown off. When he was with it enough to realize what had happened, he got on his hands and knees, relatively unhurt, and looked at the horse where he lay on the cold ground. His leg was broken. The old man would never get up again.

He sat on the ground beside him, stroking his neck in an effort to keep him calm. It didn't matter, though. The horse was practically still. His breathing was deep and every so often he kicked his legs. It was all Dally's fault.

Lane was coming through the gate, the latch making an awful scraping noise. It needed oiled like everything else around the whole place. It seemed everything needed help to work right again.

Hobbling through the field, Lane made his way over. Dally saw the gun in his hand, and he sighed. There wasn't anything else they could do for him; putting him down was the only option.

Dally continued to stroke the horse's neck, hoping to comfort him before it was all over. He wished he had a carrot or an apple for him, but his pockets were empty.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, both to Lane and to the stallion.

"It's a wonder this old timer didn't hurt himself sooner," Lane said.

He stood over them and then crouched down on creaky knees. He patted the horse's neck and then stood back up. The horse watched him with one eye but never tried to move.

"Just wish my rifle wasn't busted. It'd be more humane, probably quicker than this old thing," he said, glancing at the gun in his hand. It was nothing but an old revolver. "Best move out of the way."

Giving the old guy one last rub, Dally stood up and moved back. Lane had raised horses practically his whole life, and this definitely wasn't his first time putting one down. Holding his breath, Dally turned away at the last second. The gun shot ripped through the air and sent chills down his spine. He put his hands in his pockets and waited for Lane to come up beside him. He wouldn't look at the horse.

"It's a shame," Lane muttered. "One of the best horses I ever had. The ground shouldn't be so hard with the rain last week. Might take you awhile, but if you need some help I know a few boys I can call out."

"I'll be fine," Dally said.

He could feel Lane looking right at him, but he never acknowledged it. Instead, he walked off toward the barn to find a shovel. He had an awfully big hole to dig, and he tried not to think of what he was going to be putting in it.

XXX

Wade walked quickly to the Food Mart to meet Ellie when she got off work. It was a cold night, the wind was blowing something awful, and he didn't have the car for the night. He still smiled a little, thinking about how happy Pony was, getting that letter. Of course, Pony made him swear up and down about twenty times that he wouldn't say a word to anybody about it, especially Ellie. He didn't like all the secrecy, when he thought the news was something Pony should be sharing with everybody in the whole city, but he could understand wanting to keep it from Ellie. She seemed to slowly be getting back to normal, and he knew the slightest thing might set her off again.

He stopped just outside the door and blew into his cupped hands to warm them up. Just the thought of her when she was back to normal made him happy, and he realized just how seldom she acted normal. He supposed acting crazy over Dallas Winston was probably the norm for her, but he hoped that was changing.

"What are you doing waiting out here?"

He looked up to see her walking toward him and tipped back his hat before he kissed her on the cheek.

"You're freezing," she said as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "You should've come inside to get warmed up while you waited for me."

"I'm fine. I wasn't waiting too long."

They walked back to her house in a comfortable silence, Wade still wondering what it was going to take Pony to tell Darry about his acceptance letter.

"I have something to show you," she said before he kissed her goodnight on her front porch. She unlocked the door and led him inside, something she rarely ever did.

Wade felt guilty for being happy no one else seemed to be home, but her mom and stepdad made him feel out of place and nervous. He followed her back to her room, and she shut the door behind them. She turned on the light as he sat on her bed and tilted his cowboy hat back on his head.

"Is everything okay?"

She nodded before she walked over to her dresser. She moved a few things before she turned back to him with a folded piece of paper. He looked at it closer when she handed it to him and realized it was something from a newspaper, old and faded.

"What's this?" he asked, unfolding it. Three faces looked back at him under the headline "Juvenile Delinquents Turn Heroes." It surprised him a little when he recognized Pony as one of the faces. He wouldn't exactly lump him in with "Delinquents."

"That's Johnny Cade," she said, pointing to the dark-haired boy's picture as she sat down beside him. "And that's Dallas Winston."

It looked like he had nearly white-blond hair, something that somehow matched his sharp, scary features perfectly. Wade glanced up at Ellie. She was watching him closely.

"He looks mean," he said. He tried to say it gently, but it came out as a nasty thing to say.

She just shrugged a little. "I guess that's how he looks to people who don't know him. This was about the only good thing ever written about either of them."

"Why'd you show me this?"

"You said you wanted to know what Dally looked like so you could recognize him if he came around."

From her tone, she still sounded convinced that he would never be coming back around. Wade hoped that was true, but he still memorized the boy's face.

"He's not like I pictured.

"Most people don't picture him right."

"I guess I know now, huh?"

He finally handed the paper back to her, not so she could keep the picture of Dallas with her, but so she could keep Johnny and Pony. She put it back on the dresser and then sat back down beside him.

He relaxed a little. "What now?"

She took his hat off his head and put it on hers, a smile on her face. "Anything at all."

He kissed her, and she giggled as she tried to keep the hat on her head.

It still felt like Dallas Winston was between them, but this time, he wasn't quite as imposing as he was before. He may have been scary looking, but it was less scary for Wade to know what to expect if he ever showed up in Tulsa again.

XXX

One thing Dally had learned about Lane was that after his nightcap of a six pack on the porch, rain or shine, he slept like death until six. Every day except for Sunday, no matter what. So, when he went to bed that night, Dally waited a half hour and got up.

Slowly, he dressed himself and put on his jeans jacket he had worn when he turned himself in. The sleeve was still shredded from where the doctors cut at it to get it away from his burned arm. It wouldn't keep him warm outside, but he had never really been warm his whole life. Maybe a couple of times, the briefest of moments, but he let himself forget about those times. He pulled on his socks and shoes.

He quietly went to the hall closet and found a flashlight. He reached up and pulled down something heavy wrapped in cloth and held it fast. Without looking back, he went out the front door and into the night.

XXX

It had taken hours for him to walk the distance to Jay Mountain, but a lot of that was him dragging his feet. He slowed himself down on purpose. He had to get up there, but he still wasn't ready for it.

On the balls of his feet, he walked up the hill and crouched under a fence. In the waning darkness, he saw the water pump and walked over to it. He pumped the handle until water came splashing out. The water was the only sound in the night, and he wondered whether Johnny was the last person to use it.

In light of his flashlight all he could make out of the little old church was a pile of blackened boards and ash. There was a foundation underneath it all, but the rest was rubble and ruin. He was surprised anything at all was left after all this time. Dally stared at all of it, his whole body rigid with terrible memories. As if he could turn it all off, he switched off the flashlight and dropped it to the ground.

He kicked at a board and something from under it went scurrying away. He kicked it again and a cloud of dust and ash billowed up and stung his eyes. Bending down, he picked up one board and heaved it as far away from him as he could. He desperately wanted to break something, but the damn church was already as destroyed as it was ever going to get. Stopping to catch his breath, he felt the heft in his coat pocket and stopped. Not thinking and yet still thinking about everything, he pulled out the heavy package and unrolled it from its cloth wrapper. He let it go and it blew away, leaving just him and Lane's gun.

Backing a few steps away, he turned so that he was standing with his back to the eastern horizon and opened the chamber. There was one bullet inside, which was all he needed. With a flick of his wrist, the metal clicked. He spun the chamber and turned back to face the ruins of the church.

"One shot," he told himself. "One shot."

A brisk breeze whipped through, and he stared down at the gun in his hand. It was a way out. He didn't really know if it was what he wanted, but after everything, he felt he owed it to himself to finish what he started.

Unceremoniously, he raised the gun and rested the barrel against his temple. He closed his eyes and pulled the trigger. It clicked and he opened his eyes at the hollow sound, his breath catching in his throat as he dropped his arm limply at his side.

"Shit," he muttered.

Looking back to the piles of ash and boards, he thought back to that night. It was ages ago and for as long as he had think about it all while he was in jail, he found that he remembered almost nothing. There were the flashing lights, the stench of antiseptic, Johnny in that hospital bed. That was all. He didn't remember the sound of guns or the way it felt when he got shot. Everything up until the point he ran away from the hospital was a blur, except for when Ellie came to see him. She'd shown up, and he couldn't get her out of that damn room fast enough. He didn't want her around. He didn't want to be that close to anyone if they could just die.

He raised the gun and rested the barrel against his temple one more time.

He pulled the trigger again.

_Seal my heart and break my pride  
>I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide<br>Align my heart, my body, my mind  
>To face what I've done and do my time<em>

* * *

><p><em>AN: Roswellachick was our 200th reviewer, but thank you everyone!  
><em>


	24. Same Old Failing

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders._ Needtobreathe owns "Lay 'Em Down."**

* * *

><p><em>All you sinners and the weak at heart<br>All you helpless on the boulevards  
>Wherever you are now, whatever evil you've found<br>Bring all your troubles and come lay 'em down_

Very slowly, Dally opened his eyes. He dropped his arm against his side, fingers still clenching the gun, the hollow click of another empty chamber still echoing in his ears. He couldn't control how hard he was breathing or how angry he was. He wanted that damn gun to just go off to end it for him. Raising his arm again, he pointed the gun at the ruins of the church in front of him and pulled the trigger. The sound of gunfire scared him so much, he dropped the gun in the dirt.

"Fuck!" He yelled. His voice echoed.

He bent down and picked up the gun, wisps of smoke floated out of the barrel. He pulled the trigger again and again, knowing it was in vain. He had only brought one bullet for a reason. It seemed like he couldn't do anything right.

As hard as he could, he threw the gun to the ground again. It kicked up a cloud of dust and bounced a few feet away. He stared at it for a few seconds and then turned away, a frustrated hand running through his hair. He paced back and forth and then finally just made himself sit down. Resting his arms on his knees, he closed his eyes and hung his head. His hands were shaking and he still couldn't catch his breath. As he sat there, he realized that he actually had no idea what he wanted. Did he really want to blow his brains out in the middle of fucking nowhere?

He looked out over the horizon and sat quietly, the shaking in his hands subsiding as his breath came out in clouds in front of him. The horizon was brightening up, the black turning purple as a new day began. As the sun rose, he thought about everything. He thought about what he'd done and about his time in jail. He thought about Lane and he thought about Tulsa. Everything in his life felt conflicted all at once, and not only did he not know what he wanted, he didn't know what to do about it.

Living in Tulsa was always easy. Be a big badass and he'd get by fine, but that wasn't the case anymore. Being in jail was even easier. They told him what to do and he did it because everyone else did. If he was quiet in jail, it was because he was moody and dangerous. No one messed with him, and he liked that. But now that he was out, the world was at his fingertips, and he was scared to death. He had to make choices for himself and that once again made him responsible for everything he did. He just wasn't ready for that. Anything could happen to him, and he would have to face it. Anyone could get to him.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper, studying the creases before unfolding it and looking at her careful handwriting. He wasn't ready to go back to Tulsa and knew he wasn't ready to face her. Ellie was the one person he knew he owed something to. Aside from Two-Bit spending time with him in jail, Ellie was the only one who even tried to contact him. That wasn't completely lost on him, but he wasn't going to do anything about it anytime soon. Putting the letter back in his pocket, he wondered if he even wanted to see her again. Things would be so much easier without going back.

"She probably doesn't even miss me," he mumbled to himself.

It was one less thing in his life he'd have to lose.

XXX

It had taken her half the night to fall asleep after Wade left. She was never really able to turn her thoughts off, especially when they started revolving around Dally. She thought about Wade and his reaction to the picture and how she felt about showing it to him in the first place. It was one more thing she surrendered to Wade, and, even though it was necessary, she found that it hurt.

As first light broke through her window, she got out of bed and crept across her room. She took the folded newspaper clipping and slipped back under her covers. Three faces stared back at her, but they seemed foreign. One was dead, one was gone and the other just wasn't the same boy she grew up with. Their pictures were taken a lifetime ago. Nothing was the same.

On the outside, she had done all she could to convince everyone she was done with Dally, but she couldn't convince herself so much on the inside. All she really wanted was just to see him and let him know that she was still his friend. She wanted to see that he was still in one piece. She couldn't understand why no one seemed to care about him or why it bothered so many of them that she still did.

For a long time, she looked at his picture. She wished he would just stop by, just so she could see for herself that he was okay. He would tease her about what a Soc Wade was, and she would tell him what a good guy Wade really was. He could be on his way, and she would be happy. It was that simple. It should be just enough to help her let go of him.

Her alarm went off and she stared at the numbers and sighed to herself. Without another look, she folded the paper and slid it under her pillow.

XXX

It had taken Dally a long time to get up, but when he finally did, he picked up the gun, tucked it back in his jacket pocket, and walked back to Lane's. He didn't hesitate the way he did heading to Jay Mountain, and the gun somehow felt lighter than he had before.

He thought about just avoiding his uncle and heading out to the stall to let out the horse, but he knew he couldn't avoid him forever. He walked into the house and found Lane at the kitchen table. The old man didn't say anything, but he was looking at Dally awfully hard.

Dally pulled the gun out of his pocket and dropped it on the table. It landed with a loud thump.

Lane stared at it for a moment before he reached for it slowly. Dally stared at him, trying to read his face and finding he couldn't.

"Dallas …" he began, turning the gun over in his calloused, wrinkled hands

"Listen," he cut in, "don't start with me, old man. I need to get to work."

He turned around and headed outside, feeling his uncle's eyes on his back.

He headed out to the barn, glancing over at the fresh mound of earth under which he had buried the old stallion at the very edge of the field.

The mare whinnied softly as he walked up to her stall. The barn felt so quiet with just the one horse, and Dally clicked his tongue until she walked up to him. She nudged at his hand, looking for a treat.

"Sorry, girl," he said, rubbing her muzzle. "I'll bring out a carrot later. We'll ride a little, maybe. Get you back in shape."

She whinnied again, a little louder this time, and he looked at the empty stall beside her.

"Sorry about the old guy. Not the same since he's gone, huh?"

She stood there quietly, letting him pet her until he finally fed her.

He was leading her out into the field when he saw Lane heading his way. He half-expected him to still be holding onto that gun, but besides his cane, his hands were empty.

Dally headed back to the stall and began mucking it out. He heard Lane walk into the barn but ignored him, even after he cleared his throat.

"I was thinking about fixing this fence out here in the spring," Lane said.

Dally kept shoveling manure, wondering what the old man was getting at.

"It's an old fence, the one around the pasture, and some of the posts are rotting. I'm not too worried about the First Lady getting out, but I was thinking about getting a foal once it gets warmer," he continued. "I'll need a solid fence to keep it in. Think you could help me with something like that?"

Dally turned around to Lane and leaned on the shovel. His uncle was studying him pretty hard, but his face was still unreadable.

"Are you trying to ask me how long I'm sticking around?" Dally finally asked.

Lane nodded. "I guess I'm curious. It seems to me that you thought about leaving today."

"Yeah, well, even if I wanted to, it takes more to get rid of me than you'd think."

"I s'pose so."

"Think you can handle raising a foal, old man?"

Lane was about to head back to the house, and he turned back. "I'll admit, it'd be a lot of work. I love horses, though. That's not something you stop doing."

"Guess I got that from you, then."

"Maybe so. Think you could help me break a pony?"

"Never done it before, but I'm sure I could manage."

Lane smiled a little as he studied Dally some more. "Then again, sometimes the horses break you."

Dally just gave his uncle a cool stare until he left. He looked around the stall and leaned the shovel against the wall. Who was he kidding? He was up to his ankles in horse shit. That damn horse was breaking him, all right.

XXX

Even though it was hard to watch a movie from the projection booth, Pony had snuck Wade and Ellie up there to keep him company Friday night. They crowded around the viewing window and as the two of them were trying to watch the movie, he watched for the signals to switch the reel. Once the movie was into the second reel, he backed off a little and took a drink of his Pepsi.

"How's this thing work?" Wade asked.

Pony looked at the contraption that was the projector and shrugged. "Not a whole lot to it, you just have to time it all right."

"Looks complicated to me."

Ellie pulled away from the window, moved around Wade and sat down in the one folding chair in the small room. When they were all quiet, they could hear the movie playing well enough. It spoke between them.

"You get to see all the movies that come through, don't you?" she asked.

"For the most part."

Ellie smiled. "Perfect thing for you."

Pony moved back to the window and looked out at the dark theater and watched the movie for a few seconds. He had a little while until the next reel.

"Seems kind of sad to sit up here all alone and watch them," Wade said.

"It's exactly how he prefers to watch a movie," Ellie said. "By himself."

When Pony turned to look at them, he saw Ellie get up out the chair for Wade to sit down and he pulled her onto his lap. Knowing Ellie as well as he did, he could see her take a minute to really get comfortable with it, only settling in when Wade wrapped his arms around her middle. Also knowing Wade as well as he did, Pony knew that was one of the biggest moves he had ever made on her in front of anyone. He smirked and looked back at the screen.

Despite the fact that Dally had popped back into her life in some form, Pony could see her really trying with Wade. It was all in the little things, he had realized. She knew how to put on a big show when people got suspicious. It was when she kept up what he was certain was becoming a charade in a little moment like that, he was hopeful for them.

"What's wrong with watching movies by myself?" he said. "No one bothers me that way."

She leaned back into Wade, and he rested his chin on her shoulder. "I never said anything was wrong with it, but sometimes other people like to go with you."

"I always let you go."

"You take them way too seriously." She turned her face to Wade's, and he raised his chin from her shoulder, meeting her eye to eye. "Once he yelled at me for sneezing."

Pony felt his ears burn and he said, "I did not."

"You shushed me like I started talking over the actors," she said with a grin.

"Well, you kind of were."

Ellie shook her head a little and said to Wade, "He's like a dictator at the movies."

He couldn't argue and he turned to look at the screen. There was still a bit of time left until he had to switch to the next reel. When he turned back, he watched them for another few seconds. Wade seemed content. He didn't have that lost look on his face, and Ellie seemed happy, too. For as well as he used to be able to read her, he had really lost that ability in the last year or so. Maybe she was just good at hiding stuff, or maybe he was just looking too hard.

"Hey, are you guys going up to wherever it is you guys go next week?" Wade asked.

"You mean Windrixville?" Ellie asked him. When Wade nodded, she looked back at Pony, a question mark in her eyes.

"Johnny's birthday is a week from tomorrow," Pony said. "Still want to go?"

"Yes, definitely," she said. Wade wrapped his arms a little tighter around her, and she put her hands on his where they clasped at her middle. "I wouldn't miss it."

Wade had never butted into anything involving Johnny, and he didn't try to invite himself to this either. Pony liked going, and he liked taking Ellie even though she wasn't there that day. She had known Johnny even longer than he had.

"We'll have to go a little later, though," she said. "I think I have to work until two."

"That's fine," Pony said. He checked the screen again and saw that it was getting close to the next reel. He stood there, looking out at the screen and feeling the presence of his friends in the room. He was glad they were there. And he was doubly glad that Dallas Winston was nowhere to be found.

XXX

Lane hobbled out into the kitchen. He noticed the later in the day it got, the more he relied on that damned cane of his. The cold weather wasn't helping, but winter seemed to be slowly making its way into spring and that helped a little. He went to the icebox and got out a six pack. That helped too.

He made his way out to the porch and sank into the rocking chair. He wasn't sure which was creaking more, the old chair or his old knees. He didn't know when he got so goddamned old, but it happened and he was just too sore to do anything about it.

He set the beer on the porch beside his chair and looked over at the barn. He hadn't seen much of Dallas in the last few days, and if he was honest with himself, he was worried about him. He had been worried about him enough when he showed up, fresh out of prison and all, but then he took off that night with the gun. Lane still wasn't sure what exactly happened, just that the gun was empty of bullets, but he had plenty of ideas.

He watched his nephew come out of the barn, shutting the big doors behind him. He had read about him in the paper a couple years before. The fire at the church on Jay Mountain was big news in those parts, and Lane had been surprised to find that Dallas was involved, mostly because he hadn't known of him being anywhere near Windrixville since he was a little boy.

He had his fair share of problems, that was for sure, but Lane couldn't really blame him. In a lot of ways he was like his own son, Harlan. The difference between them was a big one. Harlan was one big explosion. Dallas was a ticking time bomb.

Dally was walking up the porch steps, and Lane picked up a beer and held it out for him. "Like one, son?"

He seemed to considered it for a moment before he finally took it. He leaned against the door frame as he drank it.

Lane glanced at him from the corner of his eye, wondering if he could venture a conversation with the boy without making him bolt. Lane had no idea what the boy had back in Tulsa, if he had anything at all. When Dally showed up on his doorstep he had tried to call his brother for the first time in years and found he couldn't find him. It occurred to Lane that Dallas had nothing to go back to, but he decided against any questions or words of wisdom and simply said, "I'm glad you decided to stick around."

Dallas looked at him briefly before looking back at his beer. "Yeah."

Lane nodded and went back to his quiet drink on the porch with his nephew.

_All those with and without love  
>All you burdened, broken down<br>Bring all your troubles  
>Come lay 'em down<em>


	25. Devil's Been Talkin'

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Needtobreathe owns "Devil's Been Talking."**

* * *

><p><em>Hanging on by a thread,<br>Life, it hasn't left me yet,  
>But I won't forget<em>

__**March 1, 1969  
><strong>

A pilgrimage to Windrixville had become tradition for them. The drive through the country to the tiny little town in the middle of nowhere was something she shared with Pony, and Pony only. It was nice. She was happy to have him all to herself, away from Wade and everyone else. Sometimes it felt like old times, even if it was a reminder that Johnny wasn't there.

Pony had turned sixteen the summer before and she had been worried that he would have asked her to stay home, now that he could get himself there, but he hadn't. It made her happy that he still wanted her there. She also liked that they stopped going in the fall.

They visited Jay Mountain and found the relatively unchanged pile of blackened boards and grass. Pony pumped water from the pump and stared out at the horizon. She stayed back from him as he looked out, knowing he was reliving something she would never be a part of.

After their brief memorial, they drove around the little town, which was really only the one main street. Every trip, their time on the little mountain got shorter and shorter.

They stopped at the one little burger place in town and found a table outside. It was a warm March day, the type where they only need a jacket. The sun warmed the table and her arms. They spent their time talking about nothing of much importance. The place still had meaning for them, just like it always would, but it wasn't as heartbreaking as it had been once upon a time. Certain scars were healing. They were living again.

XXX

Dally hefted lumber into Lane's old truck, dropping it harder than necessary, just to make some noise in the one-horse-town. A few old farmer types were gathered near the door of the hardware store and stared at him. Dally stared right back.

He walked back into the store, right past the old timers and their quiet stares, and picked up the rest of the stuff his uncle had ordered and walked it back to the truck, tossing the load in with as much vigor as he had with the lumber. This time he looked up and gave the old timers a smirk. One spit tobacco juice, the rest ignored him. Building a fence wasn't exactly his idea of a good time, but it certainly sounded better than sitting in Windrixville standing around a door like everyone else in the damn town.

Brushing his hands off, he headed for the driver's door and stopped when he heard a girl laugh. The familiarity of it froze him in his tracks and he looked around, his eyes falling over to Bud's Burgers across the way. Sitting at a picnic table was a boy and a girl. Her back was to him, but he could the boy clearly. He was older, taller and definitely a bit more filled out, but he would have recognized the kid anywhere. It was Ponyboy.

A panicky feeling crept into him as he looked from the kid to the girl. The hair was a lot longer, but pulled back into a ponytail. She laughed again and she turned her head slightly enough he caught her in profile for a split second. It was Ellie.

They had found him out.

Quickly, he climbed into the truck and started the engine. He put the gear shift into drive, but he didn't take his foot from the brake. Very aware of how hard his heart was beating, he looked over again, his gaze narrowing in on Ellie. Even as far away as he was, he could see the smile on her face every time she turned her head a little. There was something different about her, something he didn't know how to place.

His gaze moved from her over to Ponyboy who was staring right at him. Dally felt a dread filling his chest, worse than when he had been shot so long ago or when he had been arrested after. For a second longer, he looked at the kid and took in his hard stare.

He stepped on the gas and swung out of the parking spot onto the main street. He floored it as he turned the corner. He never slowed down until he made it back to Lane's, and only realized when he struggled to take the keys out of the ignition how badly his hands were shaking.

XXX

Pony stopped mid-sentence when he saw the beat-up pickup truck. It wasn't the truck that took him by surprise; it was the ghost sitting behind the wheel. That was the best way he could describe Dally, someone he had never expected to see again. The longer he was away, the more Pony wanted him to stay gone.

The sight of Dallas Winston shocked him so much that he heard absolutely nothing. He fell deaf to everything Ellie was saying, his eyes locked on Dally's . He looked mostly the same, he guessed. It was hard to remember. He was still lean, and looked as mean as ever. He noticed, though, that he looked older.

A couple years ago, he would have stuck up for Dally just like anyone else would do for their buddy. Once he was gone, though, and had left them all to pick up the pieces that he couldn't face, Pony didn't want him back. The longer he was gone, the more Pony wondered if they were ever really buddies in the first place.

It had taken a long time to think about everything that had happened the night Bob died, and when he did, the only thing he could think of the fact that Dally sent them away. He probably looked at it like he was some big hero, hiding out his friends, but Pony and Johnny were the ones that were on the run. If it was up to them, they probably would have hid out at Buck's until they were caught. Dally's plans, however, had them hopping trains and going to some little town where they didn't know anybody. If something had happened, no one would have known where to find them. Maybe they deserved it after what had happened, but they were just kids. They were terrified and in a place they didn't know without any idea when anyone was going to come get them. Even after all this time, Pony still resented him for it.

"What's the matter?"

Ellie's voice surprised him and when he turned to face her, he knocked over his Coke and it dumped onto her lap. She stood up quickly, brushing ice and Coke from her clothes.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Ellie," he said, stealing another glance at the truck. It was gone, and so was Dally.

"It's okay," she said. "Are you all right?"

"I guess I got distracted." He handed her some napkins. "I'll go get some more."

He rushed inside and grabbed another handful, his heart pounding in his ears. He looked out the dusty window, but there was still no sign of Dally. He breathed out uneasily as he rushed back out with the napkins.

"Really, El. I'm so sorry."

"No harm done," she assured him. "We should probably head back home, though, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so." He rubbed at his forehead a little, feeling wary all of a sudden. Windrixville had always been a place of bad memories, but it was his. In some bizarre way, it belonged to him and Johnny. Dally had no right taking that from either of them.

"Pony, I swear, it's no big deal," Ellie said as they walked back to her car. "Stop worrying about it."

He looked at her and started to say something when he shut up again. She was talking about the Coke he spilled on her. She hadn't seen Dallas, and he didn't have any plans on ever telling her that he had.

XXX

Ellie had tried just about every topic possible, and Pony tried to keep a conversation going, but there wasn't any chance of it happening with the things flying through his mind. They ended up driving most of the way home in silence, and he chewed his fingernails down to the quick.

Since Dally had been released he hadn't given a care as to where he had gone as long as it wasn't Tulsa. Knowing he was so close had set him on edge. He didn't want to ever have to face him again.

He couldn't be happier when she pulled onto his street, and he had to keep himself from jumping out of the car before she completely stopped.

"Thanks again for coming with me," he said quickly as he climbed out.

"No problem. I had a good time." She leaned over the seat a little way and looked at him closely. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm still really sorry about spilling my Coke all over you. I hope I didn't ruin your clothes."

She shrugged with a smile. "It'll be fine. At least it's dry now."

He nodded and began to shut the car door when he heard the door to the house open up behind him.

"Is that Ellie?" Allison called.

"Yeah," he said. "She was just dropping me off."

She hurried down the porch steps and joined Pony at the car. "Don't run off yet, Ellie, okay? Come inside."

Pony tried not to hide his disappointment as Ellie turned off the car and followed them inside. It was just that he needed a few minutes to himself to wrap his mind around the thought that Dally wasn't so far away anymore.

"What happened to you?" Allison asked as they walked inside.

Pony snapped out of his daze long enough to realize she was talking to Ellie.

"Pony's as clumsy as ever," she said as she nudged him with her elbow. "I got a lap full of Coke in Windrixville."

"Sorry," he mumbled again. He tried to hide his surprise when he found everybody in the house. Steve and Evie were on the couch, Two-Bit and Carolyn were sitting on the floor, and Soda and Darry were in the kitchen.

"What's this?" Ellie asked.

"Well, we all know what today is," Allison said, "and I feel like you guys never really do anything together. I didn't know Johnny very good, but I thought he might at least want you guys to hang out or something."

"Did you bake Johnny a birthday cake?" Pony said.

Allison blushed a little and shrugged.

"Y'all know she's got this obsession with birthday cakes. She's Perfect Mom like that," Soda said, carrying one from the counter over to the kitchen table. He looked at Ellie. "Remember our birthdays?"

"I can't help it that you guys never celebrate anything!" she said. "I just thought this might be nice."

"It is nice," Pony said. Even though he didn't remember her at all before Darry started going out with her, he knew that she took care of Johnny in the hospital.

"Yeah, it is," Ellie agreed beside him.

"Let's dig in," Steve suggested.

Evie elbowed him. "That would be your biggest concern."

"Johnny would want us to enjoy that cake, right, Two-Bit?"

"Oh, yeah. In fact, he would probably want me to have a couple slices to make sure I really enjoy it."

"Well, don't be shy," Darry said, handing over a knife to Steve and laying out the plates.

Everybody cut their own pieces and settled into their seats around the living room.

"Don't you want a piece, Pone?" Darry asked.

He realized he was still standing in the same spot and that most everybody was looking at him funny.

"Sure," he said. "Just wanted to make sure Two-Bit wasn't going to trample me to get his second piece."

"He almost trampled me just to get his first piece," Carolyn said.

Pony was glad she was there because once she and Two-Bit started in, nobody was focusing on him anymore. He sat at the kitchen table, eating the chocolate cake without tasting a bite of it.

XXX

It took him hours and a whole pack of cigarettes to get up the guts to go back into town. Dally figured he couldn't hide out in Lane's house all day, especially not with the way the old man kept eyeing him. It would have driven him less crazy if he would have just asked what was going on, but instead he just stared at Dally. He finally grabbed the keys to the truck and drove back towards Main Street.

He crept along the street, keeping his eyes wide open for any sign of Pony or Ellie, but he didn't see either. That didn't calm him down any, though. The way the kid had stared at him he knew there wasn't a chance Pony didn't see him. Dally just couldn't figure out why he didn't do anything. He didn't tell Ellie, he didn't point at him, wave to him, nothing.

He pulled into a spot next to the one and only place to drink in Windrixville. It used to be an old gas station that somewhere along the line had been turned into a bar. It was only a small step higher in class than Buck's, and that wasn't saying a whole lot.

As he nursed a beer and smoked, he thought. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but no matter how much he tried to ignore what he saw that afternoon, he knew he'd never be able to keep those two out of his head.

The longer he thought about it, the more he realized he hadn't stuck around long enough to really see Ponyboy's reaction. As soon as Dally flew out of that parking spot, Pony had to have nudged Ellie and pointed after the old rusted bucket of Lane's. She wouldn't believe him, naturally. That was the typical Ellie thing to do. Pony would convince her and then … and then what? Ellie would make him go with her all over the little town, trying to pin him down. There's not a chance she would go home without even trying to find him, and in a place like Windrixville, there's not a chance she wouldn't have found him.

Unless she didn't want to find him, he decided as he ordered a second beer. Or maybe she just hadn't believed Pony in the first place. Maybe Pony hadn't believed his eyes when he spotted him. Dally could hardly believe what he was seeing, and he should have known a kid like Pony would come back to Windrixville.

"Hey," Dally said, rapping his knuckles on the top of the bar. "Hey."

The bartender finally came back over. "Yeah?"

"What day is it?"

"Saturday."

"No, I mean, the _date_. What's the _date_?"

The guy thought about it for a second. "The first. March first."

Dally nodded and thought on that for a second before it hit him. He didn't have a fucking clue when any of his other friends' birthdays were, except that Tim's was close to his. He knew Ellie and Soda had close birthdays, but he'd be damned if he knew when they were. Johnny's was the only one he knew for sure, mostly because if his friends didn't know it, Johnny probably wouldn't have known it either for as much as his fucking parents cared.

He ran a hand through his hair. Of course Pony would come to Windrixville for something like that. He should have known better than to let his guard down like that, waltzing around the town like somebody he knew, somebody like Pony and Ellie, wouldn't just drive up there and run right into him. He was an idiot.

He glanced around, suddenly feeling vulnerable, like maybe it wasn't just Pony and Ellie that had made the trip. The bar wasn't packed, even for a Saturday night, and he didn't see anyone he recognized. He figured in a place like Windrixville, most everyone bought their own booze and sat on their own front porches to drink it like his uncle did.

"You look like you're having a rough night."

Dally glanced over to his left and found a woman walking up to him, a mixed drink in her hand. She was blonde, very blonde, and looked about fifteen years older than him. When she was closer to him, though, he figured that underneath all that makeup, she was probably only a few years older.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?" she asked.

There was something about her – the familiar way in which she leaned against the bar beside him, the tone of her voice, the way she looked at him – that reminded him a lot of Sylvia.

He drained the rest of his beer before he nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"I don't think I believe you. Let me buy you another one." He tried to cut her off, but she rested a well-manicured hand on his knee. "Stan, send down another beer, would you?"

It occurred to him that he was getting picked up in a shitty little bar in a shitty little town, and he had to remind himself that it wasn't Sylvia standing next to him. She looked enough like her, though, and at that moment, it was somebody like Sylvia that he needed to get his mind off everything else. Besides, he was only human, and it had been a long, long time.

_This hell is cold,  
>The chorus sings,<br>This is home,  
>The devil's been talking<em>


	26. Forgotten Ghosts

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. The Gaslight Anthem owns "Old Haunts."**

**Also, sorry for our prolonged absence. We should be back to our regular posting now that the holidays are over. :)**

* * *

><p><em>And shame, shame, shame, shame on you<br>You kept your mind and heart and youth  
>Just like a tomb<br>_

**March 1969**

Different was hardly an accurate word for how Pony's attitude had changed since she had gone to Windrixville with him. He had been weird that day, but he had slowly come back around, talking to her like he used to. When they were one on one, it was like nothing had ever happened. Even when Wade was around, everything was fine.

They were at lunch when she asked him a question that made him quiet for a second.

"You know, Pony, it's getting to the end of the year. What are you thinking about for college?"

It was just an absentminded question. She was flipping to a blank page in one of her notebooks when she asked the question, but the way he stuttered around an answer made her look up at him.

"You are going, aren't you?" she asked.

"Sure, he is," Wade answered.

Pony shrugged. "I'm trying to narrow down my choices I guess."

"When do you have to know for sure? Can't decide between Sooner and Cowboy?"

"I think I have a few weeks," he said, but he didn't look at her when he said it.

"I thought you would have had it all figured out by now. I mean, come on, if this whole college thing isn't perfect for you, I don't know what is."

"I know, but it's a lot to think about, you know? Tuition and location and programs, not to mention I gotta look into some scholarships other than the Reader's Digest one," he said in a rush. "I don't want to make Darry pay for it all."

The whole idea made her head spin. College was most likely not in her future, and it certainly did not make her sad at all. If she hadn't been such an idiot the year before, she would be almost done with school for good.

Pony gathered up his trash and his books and said, "I'm going to head to the newspaper room. Maybe I can talk to Mr. Syme about scholarships."

"Okay," Ellie said. "See you later."

They watched him walk off and Wade rested an elbow on the table, then his chin on his hand. He gave her a look that made her smile.

"What's that look for?" she asked before she kissed him.

"Nothing. Just looking."

"If you were a troublemaker, I would say you're looking for some," she said, turning her chair a bit to face him better.

"You're all the trouble I need," he said with a wide grin.

Ellie pretended to be mad at him, but she couldn't help smiling at him.

"I do want to ask you something, though," Wade said, sitting up straighter in his chair. He slid his arm off the table and took one of her hands in his.

"What's that?"

"What are you doing May 24?"

"Uh, I really haven't thought that far ahead or anything," she said, confused. "Why?"

"It's Prom night."

"Yeah?"

"And I was wondering if you'd go with me."

To her, there may as well not be any school sponsored events because up until the beginning of the current school year, she never would have even considered going to one. But looking at the hopeful glint in Wade's eyes, she had to admit the idea of going to the Prom was a little exciting. It was the first time anyone had asked her to a dance.

"I think my calendar is pretty empty that night," she said, intertwining their fingers. "I'd love to."

XXX

Pony waited by the door for Mr. Syme to show up to the newspaper meeting.

"Hi, Pony," he said, his arms full of students' papers.

"Hi. I was wondering if I could ask you something before the meeting starts."

"Of course."

Pony held up a stack of papers. "I talked to the guidance counselor earlier about scholarships."

"And it looks like you picked up every application Mr. Burwell had."

"I think I did, but do you know of any others?"

Mr. Syme thought about for a moment. "I'll keep my eye out for you, okay? Is this for NYU?"

Pony nodded. "I just thought I'd apply for everything I could. Even with help, I don't know if I can afford to live there, much less go to school there."

"We'll get this figured out. What do your brothers think of you going all the way to New York?"

Pony gritted his teeth and lied right through them. "They're really proud of me."

"I bet they are," Mr. Syme replied with a smile. "I'll try to have some more applications for you by next week. How's that?"

"Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it."

"I'm happy to help."

Pony followed him into the room, but spent most of the meeting doodling and trying to figure out where he would start with the scholarship applications he already had. He was still trying to figure out how he was going to break the news to Soda and Darry. The longer he put it off, the harder it was going to be to tell them, but somehow that didn't make him want to tell them sooner.

XXX

One morning. Dally woke up earlier than usual. His mouth felt like cotton balls, his head a raging storm. When he sat up, he very quickly wished he hadn't. He lay back down and closed his eyes again. The night was a blur. Another late night at the tiny gas station bar in Windrixville. Another night doing what he could to forget the fact he had seen Ellie.

Down the hall, he could hear Lane getting ready for the day, and Dally knew he had another half hour or so before he would have to get up. Thirty minutes was not long enough for a hangover to subside. He felt like telling the old timer he wouldn't be up and around to help out, but he thought better of it. Lane wouldn't let him off the hook that easily. The man might drink himself to sleep each night, but Dally knew he was being an idiot, which was one of the few things he was good at.

When he heard the old man start for the kitchen, Dally got up, slowly this time, and locked himself in the bathroom. He showered, letting the hot water pelt the back of his head as if it could beat the headache out of him. Every minute he wasn't busy working or drinking, he seemed to think about Pony and Ellie in Windrixville. He had made the mistake of getting comfortable and thinking he was safe when he should have been prepared for something like this to happen. There he went again, doing something stupid like letting his guard down.

Dally stood in the shower until the water ran cold.

In the kitchen, Lane already had breakfast on the table. He looked up as Dally sat down and inspected his plate. The heaping pile of eggs and bacon weren't going to sit right with him, but he picked up his fork anyway.

"Late night again," Lane said.

Dally tried to find some trace of accusation in his voice, but he seemed to just be stating the obvious. Dally gave him a shrug as an answer.

"Are you going to be able to work today?"

"I'm fine," Dally told him as he forced eggs into his mouth.

Lane was silent again and Dally continued to force feed himself. The food was going down a bit easier with every bite, and he hoped like hell his hangover wouldn't last the whole day.

"You think you can do me a favor today?"

"Sure, what?"

"I had Hank at the hardware store call in an order to a place in Tulsa for some supplies that ain't carried here. I need you to go pick them up this afternoon."

All of a sudden everything he had eaten threatened to come back up. He looked at the old man and tried to figure out what the hell he knew to want to send him into Tulsa. Lane just looked back at him, the crinkles in his forehead growing deeper the longer Dally just stared at him.

"Is that a problem?"

Dally dropped his fork and shook his head. He pushed his chair out from the table and put his plate in the sink.

"I'll go after I take care of the First Lady."

XXX

A feeling of dread filled Dally's whole body as he drove through the streets in Tulsa. Everything was just too familiar, and he felt too different to be there anymore. It wasn't that he had never considered coming back to Tulsa. He sure as hell wasn't going to spend the rest of his life in a shithole like Windrixville, but it just didn't feel right yet.

Dally waited impatiently at the counter of the hardware store while the guy looked in the back for the things his uncle ordered. He tapped his fingers on the countertop, glancing around the place every few seconds. Of all the places for Lane to send him, it had to be a hardware store where someone like Darry Curtis could come walking in any second.

The guy came back with a box and passed it over to him.

"This is it?" Dally asked.

"Yep. A dozen brackets."

Dally paid the guy, wondering why it was so fucking difficult to get something like a bunch of metal brackets in Windrixville, and headed back to Lane's truck. He practically sighed in relief when he pulled out of the parking lot and didn't see anyone he recognized.

He briefly considered heading on back north to his uncle's until he realized he had the truck and some time to kill. There wasn't anywhere in particular he wanted to go with the possibility of running into anyone he knew, but if he went back to Lane's, he'd just have to get to work on the damn fence.

He could have driven practically anywhere, but for whatever reason, he kept to the streets in Tulsa. It was risky and he knew it. Everyone he was hoping to avoid could have been out since it was Saturday, but the more he drove, the more certain he felt that nobody would spot him in that old rusty pickup truck.

He found himself on Front Street and wondered if he had done that on purpose. He guessed it wouldn't hurt to see if Ellie was at work, but when he drove by Joe's old store, he saw boards on the windows. He wondered if she had moved up in the world to that big grocery store he passed a few blocks back. He knew if he ever said that to her, she would roll her eyes and maybe punch him in the arm for it. That almost made him smile.

It was early afternoon, and he was about ready to head back when he decided he hadn't been down the Ribbon yet. If stores were closing down on Front Street, he wondered how much had changed there.

Apparently, not a whole lot, he realized when he reached the stretch of hangouts. He headed east, noticing there weren't too many people out since it was still early for a Saturday. He had to do a double take when he drove by an empty lot where the Dingo should have been. Maybe some things had changed there after all.

He was stopped at the traffic light by Jay's when he saw a few girls walking down the street in his direction. It took him a minute to recognize Ellie, mostly because she never had girlfriends when he knew her and because they had a little kid with them. When he realized it was Ellie, he sank down in his seat quickly, pulling down the cowboy hat he was wearing. He watched the four of them walk into Jay's and they were heading to a booth by the front window when a car honked its horn behind him. He was ready to give them the finger when he realized the light was green.

He headed down the strip to the parking lot at the end where he turned around and headed back. If he were smart, he would head straight back to Windrixville. If he were smart, he would stay out of Tulsa for a long time and forget all about her. He had never been smart, though.

Pulling into a spot across from Jay's, he sat in the truck and watched her. She obviously knew the other girls well, some blonde and a red-haired girl with glasses who was most certainly not Cherry What's-Her-Name. He wondered what Ellie would do if he got out of the truck and walked right up to their table. What would she say to him and how would she introduce him to her friends? It was laughable because he knew he wasn't stepping foot outside of that truck, but he still wondered.

Ellie having lunch with a bunch of girls made Dally shake his head a little. Things really had changed. And even if he had been gone for 10 years, Dally never would have missed the black Charger that pulled in to Jay's a few minutes after Ellie went in. He could never forget a car of Tim Shepard's that he had sliced the tires on. It certainly wouldn't be Shepard driving and Dally grunted to himself when the not-so-miniature Shepard got out with a couple of other goons. They all three went inside, and Dally lit up a cigarette. If Curly-fucking-Shepard was the kid Ellie was dating, he just might have to go in there.

XXX

"So, do you have an idea of which one you like?" Carolyn asked Allison.

Ellie watched the pretty blonde shake her head. She was pulling apart pieces of chicken for Lizzie who was stuffing them in her mouth as fast as she could.

"I think you would look best in the one from that little boutique. Honestly," Carolyn said. "I'm sure I could find all kinds of jewelry for you to choose from at work."

Allison smiled and then shrugged as she picked up her drink. "That dress you're talking about is a full out wedding dress. I've already done the whole wedding thing, and Darry and I both want to keep it small. That does not mean I get a big dress."

"You may have done the wedding thing," Ellie piped up, "but Darry hasn't."

She smiled a little wicked smile. "I think it scares him to death, too."

Ellie held up her fingers and said, "Only a little. He's leaving it all up to you, you know?"

"What guy doesn't leave it all up to the girl?" Carolyn asked. "Not a single guy in the history of the world could handle wedding planning. It's not in their blood. They would just melt under all the frilly details."

"That's very true," Allison agreed.

Ellie hadn't been all that excited to go window shopping with Allison and Carolyn when they first asked, but there wasn't any getting out of it when they heard Wade asked her to Prom. She thought it was awfully early to be looking for a dress, but according to them, she was getting a late start. Still, she was glad she went with them. She had no idea where to start, and they had plenty of ideas.

The door opened and Curly walked in with Todd and Mitch. Even if she wanted to avoid him, it would have been impossible. He caught sight of her immediately and headed to their table as the other two went to order their food.

"Hey, ladies. And Ellie."

"Wow, aren't you the sweet type?" Carolyn said, dryly.

"He's harmless," Ellie assured them. "Hi, Curly."

For a second, he didn't say anything. He looked through the window at the end of their booth and then suddenly crouched down so he was more their level.

"Do you need something? Or did you forget how to talk?" Carolyn asked.

He grinned and shrugged. For as much as he looked like Tim, he did not act like him.

"You look like you're trying to find trouble or something," Ellie told him.

"I found you didn't I?"

Ellie shoved him, and he swayed a little, his arm hitting Lizzie's tray.

She gave him a haughty look and said, "You almost spilled my food!"

Curly pulled the tray back a little to where it was and patted Lizzie on the head. She swatted him away, and he turned his attention back to Ellie.

"So, did you ever get your date with Christine or whoever it was?" she asked.

"Oh, you mean the date you ruined for me? Nah, someone else swooped in." He covered Lizzie's ears with his hands and said, "You cost me quite a night if you know what I'm saying."

Carolyn snorted in laughter or skepticism, and Allison removed his hands from Lizzie's head.

"I'm willing to bet you haven't had many good nights with anyone but your hand," Carolyn said.

"Good grief," Allison muttered, placing her own hands over Lizzie's ears this time.

Perplexed, Curly tried to find a comeback but ended up just brushing her off with a good-natured smile. "And you are?"

"Carolyn, but don't get any ideas."

"Oh, you must be Two-Bit's girl. Should've figured with a mouth like that."

Carolyn just gave him a cool stare. Nothing fazed this girl, and Ellie loved it.

"So, Ellie, you still dating that cowboy kid?" he asked, glancing out the window every few seconds.

"Yes, Curly. I am."

"You know, you owe me for loaning you my car and for smoking half my cigarettes awhile back," he said, one eyebrow raising suggestively. He then looked at Carolyn and seemed to remember something else. "Oh, and you still owe me for getting Two-Bit out of that fight that one time."

"Which time?" Ellie asked.

"At that party."

"That was a year ago!"

"So you owe me double."

"Tell you what, Curly. I'll buy you gas and a new pack of cigarettes."

"You're really hard to catch between boyfriends, you know? I think I've been patient."

Ellie was used to Curly and his typical banter, but this was the first time he had actually asked her out. However, she smelled a rat of sorts. Even though Curly seemed like himself, she didn't really assume he would ever ask her out quite like this. It was too out of the blue, even for him.

"You'll just have to keep on being patient," she told him, patting the back of his hand gently.

"She has a boyfriend!" Lizzie informed him.

Curly looked at Lizzie and then shrugged his shoulders. "My loss, huh?"

With that he gave her a wink and met up with Mitch and Todd as they got their food and found a table. Ellie felt Carolyn and Allison staring at her.

"What?"

"He's Tim Shepard's brother, huh?" Carolyn asked.

Ellie shrugged. "So?"

"So, you've got Tim Shepard's kid brother lookin' out for you!"

"You have not been around long enough," Ellie told her with a laugh.

Allison patted the table and said, "Well, on to more important things. What dresses did you like, Ellie? Prom will be here before you know it."

XXX

Dally wondered what the hell Curly would have to say to Ellie, but the two of them had always been friends for some weird reason. He watched as the younger Shepard rejoined his friends at the other end of the diner, and Ellie and her friends went back to talking.

Something pulled his attention back to Curly Shepard's table, and Dally realized Curly was staring right at him. He didn't know how he always managed to run into that idiot kid when he was in Tulsa, but he did. Curly gave him a small wave with a stupid smirk on his face.

So much for being unrecognizable in Lane's truck and his cowboy hat. Dally flicked his cigarette out the truck window and turned the truck on. He didn't risk glancing back at Jay's after he pulled out onto the Ribbon and headed back to Windrixville.

Stalking Ellie. He could just add it to the list of stupid things he was accomplishing.

_God help the man who says  
>'If you'd have known me when.'<br>Old haunts are for forgotten ghosts._


	27. Take It Easy

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders, The Eagles own "Take it Easy."**

* * *

><p><em>Take it easy, take it easy,<br>Don't let the sound of  
>Your own wheels drive you crazy<br>_

_**March 1969**  
><em>

When Soda came home from work, Darry was standing in the hallway with his arms crossed.

"You okay there?"

Darry looked at him and said, "When'd you get home?"

Raising an eyebrow, Soda looked back at the door he had just closed and then at his brother. "Just now."

"Oh, sorry. I'm a little distracted, I guess."

Soda collapsed in Darry's chair and the back hit the wall with a thump. Darry gave him a look, but Soda just kicked off his shoes and left them right in the middle of the floor.

"What are you so deep in thought about?"

Kicking Soda's shoes against the wall, Darry said, "Trying to figure out where to put everyone."

Probably like everybody else, Soda was still getting used to the fact that before much longer Allison and Lizzie were going to be moving in. It was going to be weird and cramped. It had Soda thinking awful hard about finding a place to go.

"You got any ideas?" Soda asked.

Nodding once, Darry pointed at the end of the hall to what was their parents' room. The door was always shut. and they never went in there. The room was unused. Actually, it was more of a shrine. It was their parents', and no one else had the courage to change it.

"The biggest problem is where to put Lizzie. I can't just dump her in a room with you and Pony."

He moved away and sat down on the arm of the couch, facing Soda.

"So your plan is what exactly?"

Darry sighed. "I was thinking Allison and I could move into Mom and Dad's room, and Lizzie could take mine."

From the uncertain tone in his voice, Soda could tell Darry wasn't real keen on that idea. Soda wasn't real keen on using the room at all, either, but it was stupid to just let it stand empty when they were definitely going to need the space. It still felt like their parents' house, and they were definitely still the kids. They couldn't just move on in to their space. It was still too hard.

Soda thought about it as his brother seemed to be lost in thought again as he looked around their ramshackle house.

"You know, Mom and Dad's room is the smallest. We could clean it out and set it up for Lizzie. That way you can keep your room and all. Pony and I can stay in ours until, well, whenever."

Darry was working it out in his mind, his eyes distant. For a minute Soda thought that maybe he had suggested the dumbest idea in the world, but then Darry looked at him with a half smile on his face.

"That's not such a bad idea."

Soda followed Darry down the hallway. They walked by their own rooms and stopped at the last door on the right. Opening it, they stood in the doorway and looked in. They had cleaned, or someone had, out a little after they had died, but mostly they just kept the door closed. Two-Bit's mom talked them into getting rid of a bunch of the clothes, and between the three of them they had taken little things over the years, but the room was still largely the same. It was still full of them, but incredibly empty. Soda focused on his mother's bathrobe still strewn over the foot of the bed. No one had ever bothered it.

Darry put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"They wouldn't want us to do this, you know?" Soda said. "Keep this like it is and all. It's a waste."

"I know. We don't have much of a choice anymore, do we?"

Soda smiled. "It ain't exactly a bad thing not having a choice about it. I'm glad about it."

"I might see if Ellie will help. She's good with stuff like this. Do you think she'd mind?"

Neither one of them wanted to be the ones to clean it out, and just with Darry's asking that, he felt a bit of relief.

"I don't think she'll mind. Just gotta ask her. I bet Allison would help, too."

There wasn't all that much in the room, but with two new people coming a lot of it would have to go. The furniture wasn't that nice, but Soda still thought that it might be hard to let it go anyway.

"I'm not going to do anything until I tell Pony the plan," Darry said, pulling the door closed once again.

They stood there for a minute, and Darry put his hand back on his shoulder. "This kind of goes without saying, but would you be my best man?"

"Darry, you know I will!" he said, giving his big brother a hug.

"Allison's got all the planning going on, small is the theme, but not so small I won't need a best man. You've been one all along."

That was the happiest Soda had been about anything in a while. He clapped Darry on the back and they went into the kitchen where he opened two Pepsi's. They sat there just talking, waiting for Pony to get home from work so they could go over the plans. It was nice to just hang out with Darry, especially when there weren't any real worries. Allison moving in would bring out good things, Soda was sure of it. She was going to complete them.

"You know something even better?" Darry asked.

"What's that?"

"Allison's a nurse and that's a whole other income and all. I'll be able to quit the night watch job, and I want you to keep your paychecks, Soda."

That was good news, and something he had never considered before now. He actually didn't like the idea. "I need to help out around here, Dar."

"No, that's what I'm saying, Little Buddy, you won't have to. Keep your money, do what you want with it. I bet you don't even know how to do that, huh?"

Soda laughed and said, "Buy you guys a really nice wedding gift, I guess."

Darry tipped his bottle to him and laughed. In that brief moment, it crossed Soda's mind that he would be able to actually send money to Sandy now. He sent her what he could, and those letters never came back unopened. He was letting go of her, little-by-little, but he wanted to do right by his son. He wanted to support him in the few ways Sandy would let him.

As he watched his brother's happiness radiate, Soda clamped onto as much as he could. Life was going on all around him, and just because his was so far away didn't mean he couldn't be as happy as he was right then. It was nice to see the pieces fall into place for someone, and he felt like no one deserved it as much as Darry.

XXX

Steve waited until his old man was almost finished eating supper before he worked up the nerve to say anything.

He cleared his throat. "I been thinking about asking Evie to marry me," he finally said.

Mack kept chewing his food, and Steve wondered if he had even heard him.

"She knocked up or something?" he finally asked.

"No," Steve said flatly.

He nodded his head once. "Not a bad idea."

"I actually have a ring to give her and everything."

His dad actually looked at him then. "Oh yeah? They payin' you pretty good down at the garage?"

Steve shrugged. "Better than the DX but nothing to write home about."

"What's this ring like?"

He pulled it out of his jeans pocket and swallowed hard as he handed it over.

Mack took it and turned it over in his hand. "That's your mama's ring."

Steve only nodded, unsure of what his dad's reaction was going to be. Steve had held onto that ring since the day his mother died, and Mack never told him he had to do otherwise. Giving it to Evie was a different story, though, and Steve knew it.

Mack handed the ring over again and went back to eating.

"Is it all right if I give this to Evie?"

"Ain't doing either of us any good sitting around here. May as well be on her hand if it's gonna be on anybody's."

Steve smiled a little as he picked his fork back up again and put the ring back in his pocket.

"Thanks, Dad."

"When are you gonna ask her?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"You sure she ain't pregnant?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"You know what you're getting yourself into?"

"Marriage? Yeah, I think so."

Mack shrugged. "Just wanted to make sure."

Steve finished his food and put his dishes in the sink. He walked back to his room and took out the ring one more time to look at it. In the years that he had had it in his possession, he would sometimes just stare at it, thinking about his mama and everything he'd lost when she died. Now it was like he had never even seen the ring before.

Two-Bit was right. He was going to have to ask her in some amazing way if he was ever going to top the way Darry proposed.

XXX

Pony slid into Wade's car after school, and they headed downtown so Pony could cover a shift at the movie theatre for the weekday projectionist.

"Thanks again for the ride," he said, still shaking rain out of his jacket. "It's pouring out there."

"No problem. I'm heading that way for work anyway." Wade was quiet for a while as they drove, but Pony could tell he was thinking hard about something from the way he was frowning. The kid just never frowned.

"What's up, man?" he finally asked him.

"You still haven't told Ellie about NYU. I know you haven't because she would have something to say about it if you did, and she hasn't said a word."

"Listen, Wade, it's complicated. You know that."

"Do you have any idea how complicated it's going to be for me once she finds out I knew this entire time? I know that's real selfish of me, but you know how she is. She's gonna have my head on a platter when she finds out, and I'd rather get that out of the way sooner rather than later."

"I know exactly how she is, and that's why I haven't told her. If I tell her, she'll tell my brothers, and I just haven't figured out how to tell them yet."

"She won't tell them. Not if you ask her not to."

Pony laughed a little. "Ellie can't keep a secret like this. She's going to be mad at me, and when she's mad, she'll let somebody know."

"Then she can talk to me about it. Who else would she talk to about it?"

He thought of the various possibilities. "She could tell Steve, and he would tell Soda. God forbid she tell Two-Bit. He would tell the entire world and then tell my brothers. I need to tell them first. I don't want them to find out from somebody besides me."

"So tell them."

"I will, I will," Pony assured him. "I just don't know how to tell Darry before I find out anything about these scholarships. If I tell him without already having those, he'll go out of his mind trying to figure out how to pay for this. He doesn't need that to worry about on top of getting married. He's already losing his mind, trying to figure out how Allison and Lizzie are going to fit into our house."

Wade nodded, looking a little reluctant to accept that Ellie wasn't finding out the news anytime soon. "Yeah, I guess I get that."

"I'll tell her, I promise. And trust me, everybody's gonna know once I have because she's going to go insane."

"You never know," he said. "She might be really happy for you. It's pretty cool, you know?"

"She'll be happy for me eventually, but until then? She's just going to be mad that I've decided to go all the way to New York without even talking to her about it."

"What if you had talked to her about it in the first place?"

Pony shrugged. He didn't really know. He knew she really would eventually be happy for him, so he wasn't sure why he was so hesitant to tell her in the first place. Sure, she would probably blab about it to everyone else, but maybe that was actually what he needed. Still, at this point, until everything was entirely set in stone that he was going, he didn't think he could open his mouth about it to anyone besides Wade and Mr. Syme.

XXX

Two-Bit and Wade had created a monster out of Danny when they made that monstrosity of a tent. It had him asking for one nearly every day. In his room, she was hanging sheets from his crib to the rocking chair in the corner as Danny crawled around underneath. She never once was able to make one as grand as Two-Bit's, but it was enough for a two-and-a-half year old.

Once it was up and anchored enough that he wouldn't pull it down too easily, she crawled underneath with him. She played with him and tickled him until he had a belly laugh that made her laugh just as hard. The older he got the more she loved the little tyke.

Down the hall she heard Jimmy and her mom start fighting. The bickering grew louder and louder until it was Danny that crawled out of the sheet tent and ran to the bedroom door and slammed it shut. He turned around and wobbled back their tent and climbed back inside.

She watched the little man as he touched the sheet's roof and the walls. He crawled half out and pulled in a toy truck. He pushed it back and forth and Ellie rolled out and found another. She crashed it into his and he started his belly laugh again.

"You're a funny kid," she told him.

"You funny."

"No, you."

"Me funny!"

The front door slammed and startled them both. A few seconds later the bedroom door opened and Ellie lifted the sheet and saw her mom standing there staring at them.

"I'm going out. Watch him for a while."

She left before Ellie could answer her that she already was.

XXX

Dally cursed and kicked the old fence post with the side of his foot. He hated this fucking fence more than he hated anything in his whole life. One rotted fence post after the other and he was stuck pulling them all out because the stupid old man had a bum leg.

He kept kicking at the post until it was loose enough for him to pull out. With both hands, he yanked it out of the ground and then launched it as far as he could, but not before it slid through his hand in such a way that it left a great, big splinter.

"Fuck!"

His hand instantly throbbed, and he glared at the inch long piece of wood sticking out between his thumb and index finger. Gingerly he tried to pull it out, but it hurt like a bitch so he just yanked it out in one quick motion.

Staring at the shard of wood, he cursed it and tossed it away. Blood was running down his palm, but he just curled his fingers into a fist and looked at how many posts were left. It was endless.

Ignoring the blood and the throbbing pain, he moved on to the next post and ripped it out of the ground with as much fury as he had the one before.

XXX

Soda strolled around the department store, half looking for a present for Darry and Allison and half just looking for something to do. That something found him instead, in the form of Two-Bit.

"Sodapop!" he called from halfway across the place. He got a couple looks from people but just grinned as he made his way over.

Soda couldn't help grinning himself at the sight of Two-Bit in his uniform. He had seen him in it before, but it was funny every time.

"What's goin' on?" Two-Bit asked when he finally reached him.

"Not much. Had the day off and nothing to do. I thought I would try to find a wedding present for Darry and Allison, but I think I'm in over my head."

Two-Bit scratched his head. "Yeah, I don't think I can help you with that. Carolyn might have some ideas. She's a girl, you know."

Soda laughed. "Yeah. I know." He looked around the store and back at Two-Bit. "I don't wanna keep you from work and get you in trouble or anything."

He shrugged him off. "Don't worry about it. Tuesdays are always slow around here, especially during the day. It's after school that I need to keep an eye out for all those hoods," he said with a wink.

"I bet."

Soda studied the fine china in front of him, knowing Darry would kill him for spending that much money on a stupid dish and wondering if Allison would even like it.

"What are you really doing here, Soda?"

He looked over at Two-Bit who was studying him. He seemed to look even more serious than he meant to with that security guard uniform on.

"Well, I guess I wanted to ask you something," he finally said, deciding not to beat around the bush. "Since Darry's getting married and the girls are moving in, and Pony's going to graduate soon, I was sort of thinking about getting an apartment."

"I didn't think about Allison and Lizzie moving in. It'd be kind of cramped with all of you, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah. I mean, it'll work out either way, but if I move out, I sort of need a roommate."

"Oh, Soda," Two-Bit said with a bashful grin. "You're such a prince."

He punched him in the shoulder, and Two-Bit gave him a shove. They got a couple more looks from the few shoppers around them, and Two-Bit straightened his uniform and cleared his uniform.

"Really, though," Soda said, "I just need to save up some money before I can afford a place of my own." He didn't add that the real reason he needed a roommate to split the rent was so he could send the rest of his paycheck to Sandy.

"I've sort of been dying to get out of Ma's house, too," Two-Bit agreed after a moment. "That might be fun. We could have our own bachelor pad!"

"It'd be cool, right?"

"Would it bother you if Carolyn sometimes stayed in our bachelor pad?"

"No," Soda said with a shrug before he frowned. "But that defeats the purpose of a bachelor pad, doesn't it?"

It was Two-Bit's turn to shrug. "She can be an honorary bachelor."

Soda laughed and just shook his head as they walked through the department store. "She would probably love that idea. She's the girl-version of you."

Two-Bit nodded in agreement. "It's sort of like dating myself. Best relationship I've ever been in."

"I'm sure she would love to hear that."

"Actually, I'm sure she says the same thing about me when I'm not around."

"Well, when you ask her, make sure you ask her about the wedding present too. I still need ideas."

"Sure," Two-Bit said with a shrug, "but now that she's an honorary bachelor, I don't know if she'll have very good ideas."

"Ask anyway. I'll take bad ideas, too," he called over his shoulder as he walked back outside.

_We may lose and we may win,  
>But we will never be here again.<em>


	28. Thou Mayest

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_**. **Mumford and Sons owns the song "Timshel."**

* * *

><p><em>And death is at your doorstep<br>And it will steal your innocence  
>But it will not steal your substance<em>

**April 1969**

_Sodapop Patrick Curtis_. Soda liked his name, he always had. It was unique, and his father had picked it out for him. He liked it shortened to Soda just so it wasn't so obviously unique all the time. Sandy had always told him it fit his personality just right. Just like him, it was fun on most occasions.

Despite all of that, seeing his name in front of him right then was not something he wanted. It was a moment in his life when he wished his name was anything else but the name printed on the page he was staring at.

The happy, go-lucky kid that his name stood for was no more. His luck had run out; he had been drafted.

"Shit," Soda muttered, pressing a shaking hand against his forehead and brushing his hair back from his face. "Oh, shit."

Outside a car door slammed, and he saw Pony and Wade walk through the gate. Quickly he stuffed the letter in his pocket and went to the kitchen. He stood with his hands bracing him against the counter top. They were shaking and sweating, and he could hardly breathe. He needed to calm himself down.

"Anybody home?"

The screen door slammed behind them, and Soda walked out into the living room, his hands still clammy but the shakiness subsiding. He pasted a fake smile on his face.

"Hey Soda," Pony greeted, dropping his stuff on the coffee table.

Soda stood transfixed on his kid brother for a minute. He couldn't tell him, not yet.

"Hey guys," he finally replied. Pony looked at him funny and Soda ignored him and looked around for his shoes, desperate to get away. "You see my shoes anywhere?"

Wade was instantly on the floor looking under the couch and under the coffee table. "Got one!"

Soda took the shoe from him as he looked around the living room. He felt like he would burst at any second. Pony came up with the left shoe and handed it to him.

"You okay?"

Looking his little brother in the eye, he saw everything he knew he was going to miss. The kid that wasn't so much of a kid anymore, and all of the things he was going to be doing while Soda himself dodged bullets in some jungle. Bile rushed up his throat and he forced another smile before he rushed out the door, carrying his shoes in his hands.

XXX

Hours later, he was still shaking in his shoes. The reality of the letter in his pocket was weighing him down. Thoughts raced through his head, and he had no idea what to do. It scared him to realize that there was little he could do.

There were options, sure, but he couldn't very well do them. He could run to Mexico or he could rob a store at gun point and go to jail, but how much better was that. Either way, he was gone. Those were just fleeting thoughts, after all, and as scared as he was at the thought of Vietnam, he was more scared of running away from it.

The thought of telling Darry and Pony weighed him down more. One more piece of bad luck for them, and he didn't know if they could handle it. He could already picture the absolute devastation in their eyes. It was all too much when he didn't know how to handle it on his own.

Soda walked in the direction of nowhere, just going where his feet were taking him. He wandered around like that for hours, stopping at all of the places he believed he might not see again.

He stopped at the elementary school and climbed to the top of the jungle gym and jumped off, the landing not nearly as hard as it was when he was in grade school. He was a lot taller than he was back down. He ran over to the tree all the kids used as base when they played tag. Setting his palm flat against the bark, he searched out the spot where Steve had carved his name in the fifth grade, but he couldn't find it. The bark was stripped away in places, probably from the kids who knew they were too slow and too afraid of being "it" to leave the safety of the tree.

Walking on, he headed toward Sandy's house. He didn't stop but as he walked by, he looked up at her bedroom window hoping to see a light on, but it was dark. She was never coming home, he knew that. He had finally gotten it through to himself that they weren't going to live happily ever after no matter how badly he wanted them to. It left him feeling like he'd been stabbed in the gut. What about Peter? The kid was already growing up far enough away; now they were going to be a whole world apart.

Tears pricked in his eyes and he watched the ground as he walked. He tried to focus on how his shoe strings moved with every step, but he kept thinking about that baby in Florida. Sandy was taking good care of him and he knew she always would, but he wanted to be part of that even if it meant not having her. He was fine with that, but he had no idea how to make it happen and now it felt like the opportunity would never come.

Circling back around, he found himself at the cemetery where his parents and Johnny were buried. First he found Johnny's grave. Stooping down, he brushed grass and twigs from the stone and stared sadly at the name and the painfully short years beneath it. Since Johnny died, he had never been able to completely wrap his head around the loss simply because it was so hard to imagine a 16-year-old being dead. It was especially hard to imagine a kid he had known and grown up with was dead. For a long time, he just imagined Johnny was misplaced somehow, almost like Dally. One day, they would both come back.

"Miss you, Johnnycake," he said, standing up.

His parents weren't buried too far away, which was something he found incredibly fitting. He walked the short distance at a snail's pace, always hating that he now had to visit his parents instead of actually seeing them.

Their modest, pauper markers were hard to look at knowing they deserved something better. He cleaned up around their marker like he had Johnny's and sat down on the ground in the growing darkness. For a long time he didn't say anything, he just stared forward and tried to remember them. If his parents were alive, Dally and Johnny would be okay and Darry would have found a way to go to college. He may never have met Allison, but he would have done other things he wanted to do instead of working himself to death to keep everything together. Pony wouldn't have gone through the terrible things he had. He never would have believed Darry hated him.

But Sandy still would have left. The draft letter still would have come. These were the things that would have still happened whether or not his parents were there.

XXX

It was a long walk back toward home and Soda decided he needed to talk to someone. If he didn't, he really would burst at the seams. Steve had been trying so hard to be there for him since the Florida incident, and he headed toward his house. But as he came up on it, he saw Ellie's house three doors down and changed his mind. He just didn't have the heart to tell his buddy just yet, and even though he had already given Ellie plenty to worry about, she wouldn't tell him to go away.

She answered the door with Danny on her hip and a smile on her face.

"Hey," she said. "What's up?"

"Can you talk?" he asked.

The cheery smile on her face plummeted and she nodded, moving aside so he could come in. Inside it was warm but hollow. He knew she was having a hard time with her mom lately. For as much as she babysat he imagined worse than she let on.

"Are you okay?" she asked him, moving in front of him. She still held Danny, but he was squirming to get down and she set him on the floor.

Soda looked down the dark hallway. "Is it okay if I'm here right now?"

"It's as good a time as any. Jimmy left for work not too long ago."

His gaze locked on something, and he felt her hand on his arm.

"What is it?" she asked him, worry starting to cloud in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

He had no other way to break the news, so he pulled the letter out of his pocket and quickly handed it to her. He just wanted it away from him. As she stared at it and at him in confusion, he sat down heavily in a kitchen chair and watched Danny play with some blocks on the floor. He couldn't look at her as she read it.

"Oh God," she mumbled. "Soda … are you sure?"

She spoke through her fingers as they worried her lips. A lump was welling up in his throat. To have someone else reading the same words he had only made it that much more real. He couldn't answer her.

As though the letter were something to be broken she set in on the table and sat down next to him. She read the letter over again and then pushed it away from her hard enough that it went over the edge of the table and fluttered to the floor. She finally looked at him, her eyes big and wet with tears.

"It's my fault," he choked out. "I talked about enlisting. I jinxed it or something."

"No. No, you didn't. It's just … " She didn't finish her thought.

"I haven't told anyone yet. I don't know how," he said, his words catching in his throat. "I can't go to Vietnam. I can't do it."

Ellie scooted her chair closer and wrapped her arms around him, holding him like that and stealing all the composure he had left. Piece by piece he let himself fall apart, crying so hard he almost couldn't breathe. Ellie held him tighter and he could feel her shaking. He hugged her back, holding on to her like she was the last thing to hold on to.

XXX

Soda was reluctant to go back home, but he couldn't stay at Ellie's forever. He had finally dried his tears and they just sat at the kitchen table in silence, Danny sometimes babbling as he fell asleep on her lap.

"What are you going to tell them?" she had asked as they stood at her front door.

"I have no idea."

"I'm so sorry, Soda."

He gave her another hug, refusing to linger any longer because if the tears welling in her eyes spilled over, he'd never be able to keep from crying again himself.

He gave another look down at Steve's house but couldn't bring himself to go over there.

With his feet feeling like lead, he slowly walked into his own house. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had an expiration date hanging over his head. The thought of being alive one day and dead the next wouldn't leave him alone. It left him shaky and cold, and he wished he had his dad to talk to. He didn't though; he only had Darry who was washing up the dinner dishes.

"You missed supper," he said, not even looking back.

"Sorry," Soda replied, slogging his way into the kitchen and sinking into one of the chairs at the table. He pulled out the crinkled piece of paper that may as well have been his death certificate, just shy of being signed, and set it on the table in front of him.

"Pony said you were acting funny earlier," Darry said, turning off the faucet and grabbing the dish towel off his shoulder to dry his hands. He turned around to face Soda. "What's the matter?"

"Is he here right now?"

"No."

Soda held the piece of paper under his hands and took a deep breath that only rattled him further. He knew there was no way he could tell both of his brothers at once, and he had to get it out.

"I got drafted, Darry." He kept his eyes on his big brother, hoping against hope that there was something he could tell him that would make things better. "I've gotta go to Vietnam."

It seemed like a long time before Darry reacted and when he did, it wasn't much of a reaction.

"You're sure, Soda?"

He nodded and slid the piece of paper across the table. "I gotta go for my physical next week. I figure there's no way I'm not going to pass it."

He couldn't see Darry's eyes as he read the paper, but he could see the tension in his shoulders. He ran a hand across his forehead like he was fighting away a headache. "Shit."

Soda only nodded again. That had been his first reaction too.

"Maybe you won't pass your physical," he said, a bizarre type of hope in his older brother's eyes. After their mom and dad died, he had been forced into being the voice of reason which fit him well. Darry had always been the practical one, even when they were little kids. He always saw the cold, hard facts of everything, just like their mom always had.

It made it that much harder to see him grasping for straws that weren't even there. "Darry …"

"No, Soda, I'm serious. Maybe you won't pass it. Or maybe your eyesight ain't what it used to be."

"Darry, I can see just fine." He swallowed the lump in his throat when he saw how wet Darry's eyes were. "What is it that Mom always used to say? 'It is what it is?' She was right, you know. There's no changing this."

"I'm sorry, Pepsi," he said quietly.

"Me, too," he replied.

XXX

Soda lay in bed, staring out the window. He had seen headlights a while ago, and he knew Pony was home. He had asked Darry to tell him if he didn't mind. He just didn't know how many times he could deliver the news to everyone. It would be hard enough to tell Steve; it would be damned near impossible to tell Pony. He knew he was being chicken shit about it, but he didn't know how he could tell his baby brother news like that without falling apart one more time. It was embarrassing enough to fall apart like that in front of Ellie, and he knew he couldn't do it in front of Pony.

The door finally opened, and Soda glanced back. He knew his brothers better than he knew anybody, including Steve. Even in the dark, he could tell that Pony knew.

"Sorry I didn't tell you, Pone," he said, his voice rough and raspy in the quiet room. "I didn't know how to."

"There's nothing you can do?"

It sounded like he had already been crying, and Soda sat up.

"I just have to go."

Pony crossed the room and fell into him, hugging him viciously. "I don't want you to go."

"Trust me, kid, I don't wanna go either. It'll be okay though."

"Yeah?"

"Sure. Besides, I finally get to go on an airplane. That's pretty cool, right? It's not California or any place fun, but it might not be half bad."

He didn't believe anything he was saying, and he was sure Pony didn't either, but what else was he supposed to say?

"When do you leave?"

"Not for a while. You can't get rid of me that easily, Pony."

He meant it as a joke, but Pony only cried harder against his shoulder. Suddenly, Soda felt like they had reverted back to childhood. It was like back when Pony came home crying from school because older kids were making fun of his name. It was like when their parents died, and they sat up crying all night.

It was like that, but at the same time, it was completely different. This wasn't just some bully or grieving over the death of their parents. Soda knew exactly what it was. It was something he hadn't been able to put his finger on so far, but it struck him in that instance.

There was no way in hell he was coming home alive, and he knew it.

XXX

Allison expected him to cry or yell or slam things around. He didn't do any of that. He just sat there quietly, staring at his hands, and she had no idea how to make any of it better.

"Darry," she began for at least the fifth time. She still couldn't come up with anything. Instead she just sat beside him on the bed and took his hands in hers.

"There's got to be something I can do."

She gave his hands a squeeze and rested her head on his shoulder. "Honey, there isn't."

"No, there has to be some way to keep him here, and I'm just not thinking of it. Maybe there's some way for him to fail his physical."

She moved to the floor in front of him, still holding his hands, trying to get him to look at her and snap him out of his reverie. "Darry, he's going to have to go. You and I both know that. He knows that."

He finally met her eyes and sighed heavily. "I don't want him to."

She reached up and cupped his face in her hands. She hadn't known him for all that long, all things considered, but she knew he was one of the greatest men she would ever know. With everything that he had to worry about every single day, it was easy for her to forget he was only twenty-three. She had a good five years on him, though it never felt like it, and in a way that made her sad for him. He had missed out on so much after his parents died, but he never dwelt on it. He couldn't when he had Soda and Pony to look after. And now he wouldn't be able to look after Soda anymore. Everything was completely out of his hands.

Standing up, she kissed him on the forehead, wishing like hell she could do something to take away this extra burden resting on his shoulders. He didn't need anymore to worry about. "I know, sweetheart."

"He's going to miss out on everything here. Pony's graduation, us getting married …"

An idea struck her, and she lifted his chin enough that he would actually look at her. "What if we moved up the wedding?"

He studied her for a moment. "You don't even have a dress yet."

"I don't need a fancy wedding dress, I just need a dress. We're just going to the courthouse, right? It's not a big thing. We can have a reception and make it a party for Soda, too. He would like that, wouldn't he? We'll invite everybody. What do you think?"

She could see the hesitation on his face, the selflessness in his eyes. Their wedding was their day and he would argue that it was her day, but she could not care less about whose day it was. It was about everyone being together. That was all she wanted anyway.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. That's the only way to do this."

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her onto his lap. She hugged him closer to her, and they sat there in silence.

XXX

It had taken hours for Pony to fall asleep. Soda rolled over carefully and looked his little brother over. He was growing up, if not already grown. No matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to accept Pony all grown up. To him, he would always be his kid brother tagging along because he looked up to him. Soda had always loved that.

Turning on to his back, he stared at the ceiling and listened to the quiet sounds the house made in the night. Allison was over, but he hadn't heard a word since they went to bed. He was glad Darry had her to confide in, to comfort him. The look on his face was enough for Soda to know that to him, this was as bad as Pony disappearing in the night. This was as bad as the night their parents died. Darry had no idea how to handle something like this.

Soda's thoughts drifted from his brothers to his friends. He felt a little bad that it had never occurred to him until then who was going to tell Two-Bit, but then again, he always had his own way of finding out things. He thought about Steve and closed his eyes. Part of him hoped that maybe Ellie had already broken the news, but he knew he had to be the one to do it.

Getting out of bed, Soda got dressed and put on his shoes. Quietly, he crept into the hall and headed for the front door.

"Where you going?"

Darry was in the hallway, halfway out of his room.

"Just going for a walk. I'll be back in a bit," Soda told him.

"Want company?"

"I'm going to go talk to Steve."

Darry looked down at his feet for a second. Soda felt a knot form in his throat and wondered if he would ever be able to get the words out.

"Okay."

Soda headed outside, oblivious to the chill in the air. He walked through three streets worth of yards with his hands in his pockets. He could have made the walk with his eyes closed.

When he came through the yards of two houses on Boston Street, he first looked at Ellie's dark house and then at Steve's. It was dark except for the light that was on in Steve's room. Soda stared at it for a long time before he crossed the street.

_And you are not alone in this_  
><em>As brothers we will stand<em>  
><em>And we'll hold your hand<em>


	29. All I Need

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders, and matchbox twenty owns "All I Need."**

* * *

><p><em>Everywhere someone's getting over,<br>Everybody cries,  
>And sometimes you can still lose<br>Even if you really try_

Steve paced his room. He ran a hand through his ungreased hair. He didn't even have the heart to fix his hair so that it looked just right. What did it matter?

He had turned eighteen almost a whole year earlier. The war in Vietnam was still raging. He had honestly thought it would be over before any of this happened. He had spent every night of the last twelve months lying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, praying to God that he wouldn't be drafted. He had a full time job down at the garage. He had a girl he wanted to marry. There were kids he wanted to have. He had a whole life he still wanted to live.

Sure, the gang was still in shambles, but things were slowly getting better. A letter from the draft board was only going to make things worse. A prayer every night, but a lot of good that did. He couldn't be too angry with God, though, and that pissed him off even more. The prayers worked. The letter wasn't for him. He wasn't going to Vietnam. At least not yet.

XXX

Steve drove down Evie's block, glancing over at the papers on the passenger seat every so often.

He was scared; he was also man enough to admit that. What scared him more than what he had spent his afternoon doing was explaining things to Evie, but she deserved that much.

Slowing to a stop outside her house, Steve picked up a couple papers and got out of the car. The only way he could do this was by not beating around the bush.

He took a few deep breaths and walked up the driveway. Evie was already making her way out the door, purse in hand. She had a smile on that beautiful face of hers, but it seemed to falter a little when she looked at him. He couldn't bring himself to return the smile, and she looked like she already knew something was wrong.

She greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and started to walk down the drive. She stopped when he didn't follow. "What's the matter?"

"Can we talk a minute?"

Hesitantly, she walked back onto her porch, and Steve followed. She sat down and nodded at the papers in his hand. "What's that?"

Feeling like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he folded both hands behind his back. "You heard about Soda, didn't you?"

A hand flew up to her mouth, and she gasped. "Oh no."

"No, no," he said, crossing the porch and sitting down beside her. "It's not like that. Not exactly anyway."

Tears were already in her eyes. "What's going on, Steve?"

He looked down at the papers in his hands, and he handed them to her. He knew she would make him regret his decision, but he wasn't going to let that stop him. It was something he needed to do.

She looked hard at the paper in her hand and back up at him, confusion on her face. "I don't understand what this is."

He kept looking at his hands and swallowed hard. "That's my physical. I passed and I'm officially enlisted in the army."

A whimper escaped her lips, but he didn't look up. He couldn't.

"I leave in a couple weeks. Bootcamp down in Fort Hood, Texas."

When she didn't say anything else, he looked up at her. She was trying her best to be stoic, but she looked like she was going to break any second.

"Why are you doing this? Just because of Sodapop?"

He shook his head. He didn't expect her to understand. "It's going to happen sooner or later, and I'm not gonna sit around every day, waiting for it to happen. I can't."

"But it might not. What's the chance that it will?"

"Probably a little better than the chance of it not happening." He grabbed her hand and held it tightly in both of his. She was shaking so hard. "I'm not going to let them decide whenever they want to that I get to be the next one going over there. If I'm going, I'm going on my own accord."

"You would rather just leave me now and get it over with?" she asked bitterly.

"That's exactly what I'm doing."

The pain of that statement looked like it physically hit her, and she began to cry quietly. "How could you do this to me?"

He couldn't tell her the real reason because he didn't think she would understand. He couldn't tell her it was because Soda couldn't go alone because he and his brothers had already been through too much. Steve felt guilty enough that he had gotten the letter; he couldn't handle the guilt of knowing his buddy was over there by himself while he married Evie and started a real life. It would eat him alive.

"Because I want to," he said. It wasn't quite a lie, but it certainly wasn't the truth either. He gave her hand a squeeze before she ripped it away from him and stood up. "I'm sorry."

"If you're so sorry, why didn't you tell me you were doing this? Why couldn't we have talked about this? We've been together long enough, I think I get to have a say in your future, too. At least when it comes to whether or not you'll have a future."

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd try to talk me out of it."

She suddenly lit up, her brown eyes turning to pure fire.

"That's my point! Of course I would have!"

"I didn't want to be talked out of it."

"You just want to go over there and get yourself killed?" she asked. "Because you know what this is. It's a death sentence."

Steve knew it was true, but she didn't have to be the one to say it. "I love you, Evie. You know I do."

"Do you? Because I'm not so sure anymore."

He ignored that too as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his mother's ring. "I want us to get married."

"Now?" she asked, disbelief coloring her face.

It wasn't exactly what he had planned, but the look she was giving him made him realize what a stupid idea it really was. "I know I'm asking a lot, but no matter how mad you are at me right now, I know that you love me too."

She was shaking her head, but he continued.

"I don't care what you say. You love me, and I know you wouldn't let me go over there without marrying me first."

"You know that, huh?" she asked.

He bit his tongue in an effort to keep the emotion welling up in his chest at bay. He already knew her decision, but he still nodded his head. "Yeah. I know you wouldn't let that happen."

She stepped closer to him and slapped him. He sat there in stunned silence while she glared at him.

"You're wrong."

"I'm not wrong, Evie."

"We're finished," she said in no uncertain terms. "You go do what you have to do, but don't expect me to sit here and wait for you to come home. I won't be here when you come back. If you come back."

She ran into her house and slammed the door behind her. Steve sat on the porch for a long time, still feeling the sting of her slap on his cheek and staring at the ring she was never going to wear.

XXX

After facing Evie, Steve didn't know how he would face anyone else. He drove around for a long time, really trying to understand what he had just done. It was still sinking in when he pulled up to his house, and as he was getting out of his car, he saw Ellie and Wade walking out of her house. He hoped to get inside and away before she saw him, but he had no such luck. She crossed the yards with Wade right behind her.

Her eyes were dark, and she looked so upset. He didn't know how to tell her what he had done when she was still processing Soda leaving, but it would hurt her more to hear about it from the gossip mill which was surely already churning out information since Evie broke up with him.

"What are we going to do?" she asked.

The question had no real meaning. There was nothing she could do for Soda.

"I already did it."

Ellie's face was blank, but he could see her eyes widen a bit with understanding.

"What does that mean, Steve?"

He stared at her. He was completely empty inside and had nothing for her except to try and match the look in her eyes. That hard, broken look.

"What does that mean?"

"I enlisted."

Where Evie had started crying, Ellie reacted. She stood stock-still for all of five seconds before she fully erupted.

She plowed against him and he reached for her arms, tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't hear him. Angry sobs burst from her small frame, and she was breaking him down.

"Ellie, please."

Wade stepped in, had his arm around her waist and pulled her off easily. She struggled to get away from him, but he spoke to her in calming tones.

"It's okay," he said.

"No, it's not!" She wrenched Wade's hands off of her, and she faced Steve again. "How could you do that?"

Looking at her, he had no idea how she didn't understand, but he knew she would. It would take her a few hours to calm down, and she would come back over to talk to him, to let him know that she understood why he did a suicidal thing like sign up for Vietnam. She stood there, waiting on his answer, though. The only other time he had seen her so upset was when Dally got shot.

"How could you?"

"It was all I could do."

She kept her eyes on his, even as Wade slid his arm around her waist. "Let's go inside, okay?"

"How could you?" she kept asking him. "Why?"

"Come on," Wade said, trying to pull her away.

She finally let him lead her in the direction of her house. Wade looked back at him and gave a slight nod. Steve nodded his thanks. He would take care of her.

They had barely made it back to Ellie's house when Two-Bit pulled up in his old clunker. He scrambled out of the car and stood on the sidewalk. He looked from Ellie's house back to him, his eyes wide and serious.

"I guess news travels, huh?" Steve said.

"You really did what everybody's saying you did?"

"What was I supposed to do? Let him go alone?" Steve asked, angry now.

But Two-Bit surprised him and said, "You're a lot of things, Stevie, but no one ain't ever gonna call you a coward."

Steve felt the strength go out of his knees, and he sank down on his front porch step. He cradled his head in his hands. "This ain't brave. This is stupid."

"It ain't."

He looked up at him. "I didn't even think. I just did it. I didn't tell anyone. My dad doesn't know. Soda doesn't even know."

"But Evie knows?"

A fist clamped in his chest, and he pulled the ring out of his pocket and stared at it. There still would never be another girl he wanted to have it, but now it looked like no one ever would.

Two-Bit crouched down to his level, looked at the ring and then put a hand on Steve's shoulder.

"She'll come around."

Steve doubted it, but he kept it to himself. He pushed himself up and looked at his friend head on. The same fear he felt was in Two-Bit's eyes, and it was too much to handle. He needed to get everything off of his chest.

"I gotta to tell Soda before he finds out through the rumor mill," Steve said. "Doubt he's even had time for his own draft letter to settle."

XXX

Wade held her as she cried against his shoulder. The racking sobs had subsided, but silent tears still spilled over her cheeks. She hadn't said anything in awhile, but her eyes had a far away look in them. She was somewhere he wasn't; lost in some memories he never was a part of.

They were in her room sitting on her bed. His back was against the wall and she was resting beneath his arm, her back resting against him. He held her tight, kissed the top of her head and tried to convince her everything was okay even though he didn't believe it himself. It was selfless what Steve did, and he doubted he ever could have done the same thing.

"Please tell me this isn't real," she said, her voice raspy.

"I wish I could."

"Doesn't he know it's bad enough Soda's going? Why'd he have to do that?" Her voice sounded like it was tightening with a new onslaught of tears.

"It's awfully brave of him."

"It's not like they're backing each other up for some rumble or something. This is a war. This is stupid. They're gonna get …" She choked up before she could finish the thought.

"Don't think like that, Ellie. It's not good for you or for them. Everything is done, and you need to be strong for them. Don't mad at Steve for this."

She turned a little under his arm and looked at him. "What if they don't come back? What about Evie? And Pony and Darry?"

He didn't have an answer for her because there wasn't one. If they didn't come back, life would still go on. He knew that, and she had to know that, too. But telling that to people who had already lost so much when he had lost nothing was meaningless.

"I hate it when people go away. I hated when Johnny died, and when Two-Bit went to jail. I hate that I have no idea where Dally is right now. I hate that they're going to be half a world away, and there is nothing anyone can do. I hate Steve for doing this."

It had taken him a long time to truly understand the roles her friends played in her life. In a year, he had never formally met her mother, and every time he came to her house, it felt empty. It wasn't lost on him that those boys were all she really had to depend on most of the time.

"You don't hate him," he said, brushing her hair back behind her shoulder.

"Promise me something."

"What?"

Earnestly, she took his hand and squeezed it tightly. "Promise me that when you graduate, you go straight to college. You're not going over there."

Wade felt his mouth fall open a little in shock. She hardly acknowledged they were a couple sometimes, and here she was talking about something that was going to happen more than a year from now. Thinking ahead was his area while she tended to live in the moment.

He took her hand that was squeezing his so tightly and laid it against his chest. He gathered her against him and said to her, "I promise."

She worked her hand out of his grasp and locked her arms around him, burying her face in his neck.

XXX

Steve stood outside on the porch, waiting for Soda to join him. He was getting tired of telling people what he did because every time he did, he realized how stupid it was. He knew Soda was going to tell him just that, but it didn't matter. It was done and over with, and Steve knew – no matter how terrified he was – it was exactly what he was supposed to do.

"Hey," Soda said, walking out of the house. It was a completely different guy than Steve was used to. There was no bounce in his step, although there was a phony smile on his face, which he knew was for the benefit of everyone else. So typical of Soda. "What's up?"

Steve just stared at him for a long minute before he said anything. "I have to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"There's only one way to say it, so I'm just gonna say it. I enlisted today. I'm going with you."

It took Soda a second to realize what exactly Steve was saying, but when he did, his eyes narrowed. "You did what?"

"You heard me."

"You stupid, son of a bitch," he said right before he lunged at him.

He shoved Steve, causing him to stumble a few feet back before he caught his balance. He held his hands up to stop him, but Soda swung anyway, hitting him square in the jaw.

The summer before, when Soda was out of his mind over Sandy, was the only time they had ever gotten into a physical fight. If it had been any other situation other than the current one, Steve would have fought back. He would have held his own against Soda, but this time was different. He would let him punch his daylights out if that's what made him feel better. Steve figured he deserved as much and would do the same to Soda if the roles were reversed.

Soda came at him again, grabbing him by his shirt and shoving him against the side of the house by the front window. "You fucking idiot. And I always thought I was the stupid one here."

Steve just shook his head. "It doesn't matter what you do. I'm going with you."

Soda shook his head. "Not if I break your legs."

He struggled to give him a smile. "You wouldn't do that."

Soda pulled him away from the house and then pushed him into it again. "You sure? It would serve you right. What are you trying to do? Be some big hero or something?"

"No," Steve said, trying to pry Soda's hands from his collar. "You'd do the same thing if I was drafted."

He snorted. "Don't bet on it."

"Fine, you wouldn't. But don't act like you're not happy that I'm going with you."

Soda finally let go of his shirt and stumbled away from him. "I can't believe you did this."

He leaned on the porch railing, looking like he couldn't keep his balance on his own.

Steve let himself sink down until he was sitting and rubbed at his jaw. Soda turned around and sat down across from him, a blank look on his face.

"I'm sorry I hit you," he finally said.

"Yeah, I wish everybody'd stop doing that."

"What the hell's gonna happen to us?" Soda asked quietly, his voice breaking.

Steve felt like crying himself. "I don't know. At least neither of us will be alone, though."

"Why'd you do it?"

"I was bound to get drafted eventually, just like you," Steve said.

"Does Evie know?"

"I'm surprised you didn't hear her screaming from here."

"She's that mad, huh?"

"I asked her to marry me before we go. She turned me down. She ain't gonna wait for me."

"I'm sorry, Steve."

He shook his head, still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he and Evie weren't together anymore. "I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were going through with Sandy. It ain't the same or anything, I know."

"It still hurts, though," Soda said. "Maybe she'll come around. I have, right?"

Steve smirked at his buddy. "You mean, you aren't going to break my legs?"

"I guess not."

"You know what this made me realize? Maybe I was too hard on Ellie, waiting around, pining over Dally. Don't get me wrong, I think she's an idiot if she still cares about him, but goddamn it. I'd give just about anything if Evie did that for me."

Soda nodded. Steve should have known he would understand; after all, he'd gone the last two years feeling the same way about Sandy.

They sat quietly for a long time. There was nothing on the other end of their thoughts except for the final destination. Steve shook thoughts of the jungle out of his mind and he sighed heavily.

"I don't know if I would have done it for anyone else."

Soda looked at him and said, "You shouldn't have done it for me, man. I woulda been okay."

"But now I know for sure you will be."

XXX

Two-Bit sat quietly in the front seat, staring at his hands. He could feel Carolyn's eyes on him, but he didn't look up.

"I'm sorry," she said. "For both of them going. I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. It was hard to believe in just a short amount of time, they were going to be gone, just like that.

"They're my best friends," he said, surprised by how hard it was to get the words out past the lump in his throat. "I don't know what I'm going to do without both of them here."

She scooted across the bench seat and tucked her feet under her. Resting her head on his shoulder, she reached for his hands and held them tightly. "They'll come home."

"Both of them? In one piece?"

She was quiet for a long time.

"I'm sorry," he said. He kissed her on the forehead. "This ain't your fault."

"It's nobody's fault."

"It's Steve's fault for enlisting like that. Not that I want Soda to go, 'cause I don't, but Steve didn't need to go and do that. We can't lose 'em both." He closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm the worst friend in the world."

"Why?"

"Soda gets drafted and the first thing Steve does is go enlist himself. That's the nicest thing anybody could do for Soda."

He felt Carolyn shift beside him, and he opened his eyes to look at her.

"Don't you dare tell me you're thinking about doing the same thing."

He shook his head and swallowed, trying his damnedest not to cry. "I'm such a goddamn coward, Carolyn. I'd never have the guts to enlist like that."

She had a determined set to her face. "You aren't a coward."

"I am. If I were a better friend, I would've been enlisting right there next to Steve. I'm too fucking scared."

"That's not what makes you his friend. You'll be here when he gets home. That's enough."

He shrugged. It sure didn't feel like enough at that moment.

Carolyn reached for him. She took him by the chin and made him look at her. "Two-Bit Mathews, I've invested four whole months into this relationship, and I will kill you if you do anything to mess that up."

He smiled a little, and she leaned into him, kissing him on the lips before she let go of him. "I love you," he said. "I ain't never told anybody that before, except my mom and Lucy, I guess. But I love you."

She returned his sad smile and kissed him again. "I love you, too."

"Four months is a long time." It wasn't really, considering the time he had been with Kathy, although they were rarely on again for four consecutive months before they were off again.

"I know," she replied. "It's almost six months, which is almost a year. I can't believe we've lasted this long. Nobody believed in us."

"Who didn't believe in us?"

"Me. And probably you, too. You probably thought I was just a pit stop between you and Jeannie."

"Jeannie? Who's that?" he asked with a smirk, remembering the girl he hit on before he met Carolyn.

"Just a girl from your dreams."

He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer again. "You're the girl from my dreams."

She rested her chin on his shoulder. "I better be. And I'll be the girl from your nightmares if you talk about enlisting again."

He kissed her on the cheek. "Never."

XXX

Steve watched her walk slowly across the yards in the dark as he smoked a cigarette on the porch. He hoped of all girls coming to his house, it would be Evie, but it was just as well that it was Ellie. He couldn't leave with her mad at him too. She kept her head down the entire way and sat down on the step beside him without looking at him.

"Hi," he said.

She only acknowledged him by knocking her shoulder into his as she stared down at the ground.

"You gonna talk to me?"

She nodded and looked at him for the first time. Thankfully her eyes were dry, but they were piercing.

"You didn't even give anyone enough time to let it sink in that Soda was going."

"If I woulda thought about it too much, I wouldn't have done it."

Judging by her silence, she was biting her tongue and he was thankful for that. She could have said a lot right then. She should be yelling and screaming at him, but he hoped she had that out of her system. Maybe she would just be his friend.

"Is Evie okay?"

"I doubt she'll talk to me again."

"Want me to talk to her?"

He had no idea if Evie would have anything to do with him, including his friends so he told her not to say anything.

"You know, I'm really mad at you," she said, resting her head on his shoulder.

He wrapped an arm around her. "I know you are. Everybody is."

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you bossing me around all the time. You've always been right here when I needed you to be. I'm gonna need you when you're gone, you know."

Ellie was one of the most frustrating people he knew, but he would do anything for her.

"Wade's here for you," he said. "Darry, Two-Bit and Pony, too."

She nodded her head and sniffed a little.

"As much as I hate that you did it, I'm glad you did. Soda needs you."

"Thanks for not trying to rip my head off again."

She laughed and gave him a hug. "Please be okay. Both of you."

Steve hugged her back. "I promise."

He didn't know if he could, but it was a promise he was determined to keep.

XXX

For the first time in a while, everybody was over and milling about the living room. It was just the gang having a good time together. If Dally and Johnny were there it would have been like old times, but Darry thought the night was nice enough for such an awful two days.

When Steve got up to get a Coke, Darry followed him into the kitchen.

"Want one?" Steve asked as he opened the refrigerator door.

"No."

Steve popped open the bottle with the church key and took a drink.

"You did such a dumb thing," Darry told him.

Steve's face darkened, and he made a move to go back into the living room, but Darry stopped him by standing in his way.

"I'm getting it from everyone, you know? I don't need no more."

With a nod, Darry acknowledged him and then pulled him into a hug.

"I never would have asked you to do this, but thank you. Thank you for going with him." He pulled away, but kept his hands on Steve's shoulders. Looking at him seriously, he continued, "He would have done the same for you."

Steve nodded again. It seemed to take him a minute to find what he wanted to say.

"You're welcome."

He moved by him and went back to the card game Two-Bit was dealing out. Darry watched from the kitchen until Ellie caught his attention and waved him over. God was the only one who knew how many more nights they could have like this.

_And that's all I need, Someone else to cling to,  
>Someone I can lean on until I don't need to<em>

* * *

><p><em>AN: This is most likely the last chapter for the next month or so. We're going on hiatus to work on a movie away from home!_


	30. Little Wonders

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Out__siders_. Rob Thomas owns "Little Wonders."**

* * *

><p><em>Our lives are made<br>In these small hours  
>These little wonders<br>These twists and turns of fate_

**April 1969**

Darry practically jumped out of his seat in the large room when Ellie opened the door, and she couldn't help but laugh.

"Just me," she said. "Are you almost ready?"

Soda was standing next to him and slapped him on the back. "He's been ready. We all have been."

"Yeah, I think we're all set," Darry said.

He looked pale and almost sick, and now Ellie knew what Allison and Carolyn had been going on about. Guys and weddings didn't mix very well, even if it was just a small one at the courthouse. She walked over to him and adjusted the boutineer that had been pinned to his suit jacket.

"Who pinned this on you?" she asked. "It's crooked as can be."

"Soda," Pony said. "He's a terrible best man in case you were wondering."

"Hey, I would have been a lot better if Darry would have let me throw a bachelor party."

Darry just shook his head.

"You doing okay?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah." The look on his face betrayed him.

"Just relax. Everything will be fine. And just wait until you see Allison. She's so pretty."

He smiled a little. "Can't wait."

She grinned back at him. "It'll just be a few minutes, but soon the hardest part will be over."

He just nodded, and she headed back to the small room down the hall where Allison's mom was helping her get ready.

"How is he?" Allison asked as soon as Ellie walked in.

"He looks a little scared."

"I told you he would be," she said with a smile.

"Just wait until he gets a load of you," Dora said, pinning up the last curl. "You look perfect."

"You really do," Ellie agreed. "His jaw is going to be on the floor."

"Thanks," she said, a blush already creeping up her cheeks. She was the sweetest person Ellie had ever met, and she could hardly contain her excitement for the wedding.

I'm going on out there and getting a front row seat so I can see Darry's reaction," Dora said, kissing her daughter on the cheek and hurrying out of the room.

Ellie handed Allison her small bouquet of flowers. "I'm so happy for you guys."

Allison pulled her into a quick hug. "Thanks so much for all the help today. We couldn't have done it without you."

"What do you say we put Darry out of his misery?"

She grinned and nodded. "That would be the nice thing to do."

"Ready, Lizzie?" Ellie asked.

Lizzie stopped, mid-spin in the front of the air, her dress fanning out around her.

"Go with Ellie, and I'll be out in just a minute, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy," she said, fluffing out her dress as she walked over to the door.

Ellie took the little girl's hand, and they walked out into the hallway.

XXX

It felt a little absurd having everybody gathered around in the courthouse, but Ellie and the guys convinced him they all had to be there for the ceremony, no matter how small it was going to be. His palms were sweating, and he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. He looked over at his brothers for support. They both smiled at him, and Soda gave him a hard clap on the back.

"You all right?"

Darry nodded curtly.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You got off easy with this," Soda said. "Imagine what you'd be going through if this were a big wedding, say two hundred people or something."

"That's ridiculous. I don't even know two hundred people."

"Nobody ever knows that many people, but that doesn't change the fact that they all show up for a wedding."

Darry gulped, thanking his lucky stars that Allison didn't want anything like that.

The door opened on the other side of the room, and Ellie walked in with a smile on her face and Lizzie at her side. They sat down next to Two-Bit and Carolyn, and Darry watched the door closely. His heart all but stopped when Allison walked in. It was just a simple white dress she was wearing, but she was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. He knew it was just Soda with a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but he could have sworn it was his dad. Both of his parents would have been proud of what a great girl he was marrying.

She stopped beside him and took his hand.

"You're beautiful," he whispered as the Justice of the Peace stepped up to them.

"So are you," she whispered back, giving him a wink.

XXX

Everyone spilled into the backyard of Allison's mom's house which had been decorated just enough to show that it was a special occasion but low-key enough to suit the newlyweds perfectly. Ellie smoothed her dress and took the hand that Wade was offering to escort her to the little area that had been cleared for dancing. She spotted Soda and Steve sweet-talking a few of Allison's friends into dancing with them. Even Pony was getting in on the action, somehow ending up with her tallest girlfriend. He noticed Ellie watching and just shrugged with a dumb grin on his face. She giggled into Wade's shoulder as they danced.

"This is really great," Wade said to her. She pulled away and saw him surveying everyone around them. "All of this."

She knew what he meant. She looked over at Darry and Allison, dancing to their first dance together as a married couple. He looked happier than she ever remembered seeing him, but she also knew that Soda leaving was weighing on him.

"I'm glad they did this before the guys go," she said. "It would've been awful if Soda and Steve couldn't be here for this."

She leaned into Wade as they swayed to the music, and tried not to think of all the things the boys wouldn't be there for once they headed off to Vietnam. They would be off at boot camp during Prom and Pony's graduation. Soda would miss his little brother going off to college. She sighed.

"It's awful that they have to leave," she said.

"I know. They'll come back, though."

She appreciated his optimism, but it didn't help how sad she felt.

"Hey, Ellie? Can I tell you something?"

She nodded against his shoulder, her eyes closed, afraid she might cry if she looked at any of her friends that would soon be gone.

He leaned down until his lips were close to her ear.

"I love you."

Her eyes snapped open, and she pulled away from him a little.

"You what?"

He smiled a little. "I sort of thought that was the reaction I was going to get. I said that I love you."

She had never really imagined a boy telling her he loved her. She figured most girls probably looked forward to that, but knowing boys like Dallas Winston and Tim Shepard, she wasn't going to get her hopes up. Boys like that didn't think that way or feel those things. She should have known that boys like Wade did, though.

"You … but why?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she immediately felt like an idiot for saying them.

His smile widened, and he pulled her closer. "Because of who you are. Because you ask questions like that."

She thought about who she had been when he met her and even after they had started dating. "I've been a terrible girlfriend. I'm always going to be a terrible girlfriend."

"You aren't terrible."

She knew what she was supposed to say at that moment, but she was tongue-tied. In a way, she loved him too, but she just couldn't get the words out. She panicked when the song ended, and he was looking at her. A faster song picked up from the record player and he grinned.

"Come on," he said. "Another dance?"

She nodded helplessly, wondering if they could dance until he forgot what he told her.

XXX

It was well past dark, but the party was still going strong. So many people had shown up to celebrate Darry and Allison getting married. There didn't seem to be too many that she or the others really knew, but she watched Darry with a smile. He was having such a good time, and his arm was wrapped around his new wife all night long.

Wade had gone to find them something to drink, but she was feeling the need to disappear for a little bit. His declaration of love caught her so off-guard that she was afraid that he was still waiting on her to really answer him, and she wasn't so sure she could do it.

She looked around the well kept yard and eyed the garage all the way at the end of it. Glancing quickly to make sure Wade was still inside, she headed for it and walked around the the back. For a second, she stood there looking up and down the alley, just breathing in the night when someone startled her. She spun around and saw Soda sitting on the ground in his suit, a smile on his face.

"You scared me," she told him. She moved until her shoes were just a few inches from his outstretched legs. "Whatcha doing back here all alone?"

His whole demeanor was off, but she tried to ignore it. The way he was acting was all too telling of things to come, and she did her best to try and brighten his mood with a smile. The nice suit jacket he was wearing was draped across his legs and his shirt was untucked. The tie was long gone. She thought she remembered seeing it hanging from the tree in the backyard. He looked up at her with a weary grin.

"Just wanted some quiet I guess. Wanna sit down?"

Before she could even decide if she was going to hide out much longer, he took the jacket off of his legs and set it on the ground beside him. He gave it a pat, and she sat down beside him.

"Don't want your dress to get dirty," he said, giving her a more Soda-like smile.

"This old thing?" she said nonchalantly, glancing at the yellowy fabric of her brand new dress.

"It's nice to see you look like a girl for once," he said.

She gave him a haughty look. "Excuse me?"

Soda was too good at turning on the charm because he flashed her another smile. "I'm only kidding."

Even if he was kidding, he was right. After she had spent years following a bunch of boys around, it took a lot to get herself all dolled up. Ellie was far from a tomboy, but she wasn't very good at being excessively girly either.

"So, what were you planning on doing back here all by yourself?" he asked her.

She almost lied to him, but she didn't want to when he was leaving so soon. Looking at her hands to avoid the look on his face, she said, "Wade told me he loved me."

He didn't say anything for a few seconds, and she finally looked at him. He seemed a little surprised. "Wow. And what did you say?"

"I asked him 'why.'"

Soda laughed at her. He leaned his head back against the garage and laughed at her stupidity.

"What?" she begged him, not feeling like laughing at herself. "Come on, stop it."

He looked back at her, his eyes still dancing with his good humor, and repeated her. "'Why?' Are you kidding me?"

"Shut up," she said, punching him in the arm.

He seemed to really try to can it, but she could see when his cheeks threatened to pull his lips into a smile.

"I take it that that's pretty big. For you and him."

She had no idea how to take it. Every part of her was so thrown off and confused by it. Of course Soda laughed at her; every girl he ever dated probably professed her love for him from the first date. She could only assume that he always said it back.

"When you consider that I've only had Dally and Tim to work with, yeah."

"You're telling me that Dally and Tim never told you they loved you?"

Once again he had a stupid grin on his face, and she shook her head with a smile. "Never."

"But now Wade has and you asked him 'why?'"

"I think we've covered that."

"Do you really feel like that?" he asked.

Now he was being serious, and she shrugged. She had no idea when the last time someone told her that they loved her. It wasn't something she was expecting to hear, but she kept forgetting that Wade was a boy that often blew her expectations away.

When she didn't say anything, Soda said quietly, "Don't ever feel like that."

All she could give him was a small smile. "I should have said it back to him."

Soda cleared his throat and started, "So, that means you and Dally - " He cut himself off and looked over her head as Wade came around the corner with two cups in his hands.

"There you are. I lost you for a minute," he said.

Ellie took the cup from him and smiled at him. She hoped Soda wouldn't say anything.

"Want to hang out back here?" Soda asked.

Wade shrugged and sat down. They all three sat there not saying anything when they heard more people making their way back. Ellie wasn't at all surprised to see Two-Bit and Carolyn there with Steve right on their heels.

"How come no one told us the party moved back here?" Two-Bit asked.

"Hey, Two-Bit," Soda said, "the party moved back here."

"Y'all have any booze?"

"Just punch," Ellie said, holding her cup out.

Two-Bit gave her such a shameful look that she immediately set down the cup and gave him a hopeful one. It took him all of three seconds to turn around and head for the house, calling over his shoulder that he would be back soon.

Carolyn shook her head and sat down on the grass right in her dress. Steve sat down opposite of Soda.

"You want to sit on this, too?" Ellie asked Carolyn, motioning toward the jacket she was sitting on.

Carolyn shook her head and said, "I thought I had a boyfriend that was gentleman enough to give me his, but he left me here in the dust to get the booze. He clearly knows what is most important to all of us."

They all laughed. Carolyn was fantastic. Ellie loved her from the start and hoped against all hope that she and Two-Bit worked out.

Wade threaded his arm around Ellie's waist, and she settled into him. She caught a glance of Soda from the corner of her eye. He mouthed something to her. Something that looked like 'You love him.'

Maybe she did, but she wasn't ready to say it. Not with everyone around.

Two-Bit was back in less than 10 minutes with beer, a bottle of Jim Beam and Ponyboy. They both settled in, Two-Bit right beside Carolyn and Pony between them and Steve. He looked a little out of place as Two-Bit passed around beers and then Dixie cups of whiskey. Ellie took the stuff and it made her stomach turn a little. Whiskey gave her terrible memories of Tim, but she felt Wade's arm around her and swallowed the memories with the liquor.

She handed her cup back to Two-Bit, and she noticed Wade didn't drink his.

"You okay?"

He just gave her a fake smile. Knowingly, Ellie took the cup from him and downed it. Leaning close to his ear, she whispered, "Still love me?"

He gave her a kiss. "Yes."

Two-Bit cut into their small moment and said in a booming voice, "Now, before y'all drink this stuff like the lushes you are, we need to have a toast first."

Carolyn poured from the bottle as Two-Bit handed around the cups. He stopped when he handed it to Wade.

"You have to drink it when we toast. Don't let your girlfriend do it."

Wade took the cup and nodded. When Two-Bit sat back down, he put his cup into the air and they all followed suit.

"First, we have to toast to Darry and Allison. The first to get married and we all know that's pretty fitting seeing as how they're like a mom and dad to the rest of us hell raisers."

"Where are they, by the way?" Wade asked. "Shouldn't they be here for their toast?"

"Oh, they disappeared into the house," Two-Bit said. He leaned in a little and gave them all a wink. "If you know what I mean."

Carolyn elbowed him in the ribs. "And by that he means they're talking to some of Allison's family. I swear, Two-Bit, I can't take you anywhere."

"What else are we toasting?" Steve asked.

Two-Bit lost his grin and looked between him and Soda.

"The second toast is to you and Soda. You guys are going somewhere the rest of us can't or won't, but we're always with you guys. Always."

The mood turned quiet, somber even, as they all held their paper cups up waiting for more. She couldn't look at Steve or Soda, but her eyes met Pony's and she read the fear in them. She knew he wanted to say something but his voice would betray him, so Ellie finished for them all. "We love you guys."

Without much exuberance, they all touched their cups and drank. Ellie braved a look at Steve who gave her the tiniest smile. Beside her, Soda just stared into his now empty cup. She touched his arm and gave it a squeeze. Soda looked at her and gave her a near identical smile to Steve's. It broke her heart all over again.

"Enough of this," Pony said as he took the bottle of beer Two-Bit handed him and took a long drink. When he put it down, he looked right at Ellie. "Let's play a game. I'm thinking of a man."

Bless Pony for thinking of a game of Twenty Questions just when the party was starting to die with everyone's mixed emotions. A wedding was time for fun, not for tears. Grabbing her own beer, she divided everyone into teams and they played until the liquor was gone.

_Time falls away  
>But these small hours,<br>These small hours still remain._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Our sincerest apologies for the delay in posting. We should be back to posting regularly. Hopefully you guys are still with us. We've missed you!**


	31. With You

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Kenny Chesney owns "Somewhere With You."**

* * *

><p><em>If you see me out on the town,<br>And it looks like I'm burning it down,  
>You won't ask, and I won't say,<br>but in my heart I'm always  
>Somewhere with you.<em>

It was easy to tell there was something different about her even from all the way across the parking lot. There was a smile on her face and a float in her step that he never noticed before. It was the way she kept leaning into the boy whose arm was around her. The boy with the cowboy hat.

Dally had no intention of actually going out and spying on Ellie, but he was an idiot and just wanted to see for himself who she was with now. He sized the kid up immediately and grimaced. The kid just looked goofy. He was tall and looked like some kid Dally would have had the pleasure of knocking off his pedestal. Rich kid, for sure.

But as he watched him lead her across the parking lot, the look on her face was undeniably happy. They made their way over to a car and Dally about lost it when the kid actually opened the door for her. She stood on her tip-toes and kissed him.

A fury came over him like he never expected. He gripped the steering wheel hard enough to make him wince. Opening his hand, he looked at the still oozing splinter wound he had gotten from working on the fence and grimaced. When he looked up again, she was gone.

For a while, he just sat there trying to figure everything out. Just like her last letter said and just like Tim had told him, she hadn't waited for him after all. She wasn't ready to nip at his heels if he came back around town. It wasn't like he expected or even wanted her to, but at the same time, he felt let down in a way that surprised him.

The school parking lot was nearly empty by the time he made his way out of it. He didn't go anywhere in particular; he just drove the familiar streets around Tulsa. His thoughts were stuck on her and his anger. There was a part of him that wanted to prove that he didn't need her, that he just didn't give a fuck anymore.

He decided to drive up to Buck's and see who was around. As he headed that way, he remembered something. Or rather, he remembered someone. A girl he hadn't thought about in a long time.

If Sylvia could be found anywhere, it was Buck's. She always liked to dance, to hustle unsuspecting guys at pool and to find anyone who would give her a good time. When he got there, though, she wasn't around, and apparently hadn't been in over a year. He found out from a good source, none other than Buck himself, that she was pulling a good old fashioned waitress job back in town.

XXX

Dally saw that she was working and studied her through the window for a minute. She didn't look the same either. She looked a hell of a lot older, but it looked good on her. He waited until she went back into the kitchen before he went in.

A bell chimed when he walked in, and he quickly made his way to the counter of the diner. A tired looking broad came up to him.

"Sylvia here?"

"Yeah."

Dally looked at the woman and froze for a second at the woman's familiarity. There was something about her that reminded him of somebody he knew. He couldn't place her, though.

"Can you get her?"

The woman gave him a once over, and he couldn't tell if he was imagining things or if he really did see a flicker of recognition in her eyes. She finally went into the kitchen to get Sylvia.

It took longer than he expected for her to come out, and when she did, she walked through the swinging door slowly. She looked him over as he did her, neither one of them really smiling. Dally took in her soft features, the ones she used to cake over with make up. Without it all, she actually looked sweet. Her blonde curls were still intact, even though they were pulled back with pins.

"Dallas Winston. I took you for dead," she said, crossing to the counter.

"Most people have."

She gave him a curt nod and looked down at something before she faced him again. "What do I owe the pleasure?"

"Got time for a drink or something?"

Casually she turned two coffee cups over and filled them. She handed him one and looked at him through her long eyelashes.

"Wasn't really what I had in mind," he said. Clearly she didn't care.

"We can go sit over there." She nodded to an empty booth in the corner. "My shift's about up."

Dally grabbed the coffee cup and went to the booth. She came over a minute or so later and sat across from him. She didn't look at him for a while as she fixed up her coffee with sugar and cream. When she finished stirring, she looked at him again, and he just stared back.

"Where've you been?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Here and there."

"Ah, just a drifter now, huh?"

What the fuck had happened to her? This was the girl who used to try and claw his eyes out over nothing. A girl he could depend on to always be the same.

"Don't know what else I'm supposed to do," he told her.

"Hmmmmm," was all she said. "I guess when you get all shot to pieces it changes you."

Incredulous, he said, "I ain't the one whose changed."

She laughed at that and looked at him. "Says you."

"You really scared me, you know? I still can't believe it all happened. For awhile there no one really knew if you were dead or alive."

He said nothing. There was almost nothing about that night he remembered. Sylvia was looking at him with a pained expression and turned her attention back to her coffee cup when she said, "I wasn't real sure until now that you were in one piece."

Dally was so flabbergasted by her that he didn't know what to say. He focused on her swirling a spoon around in her coffee cup and honed in on the ring on her finger.

"What the fuck is that?" he asked, pointing.

She raised her hand a little and looked at the simple gold band. "That's a wedding ring, Dally."

"Who knocked you up?"

Maybe it was too crass because she looked hurt by it, but instead of biting his head off she said, "No one. I just met a decent guy for the first time in my life. You ever hear about the kind that sweep you off your feet? I know it's never been your way, but he's like that with me. A real good guy, Dally."

He let that digest as he remembered Tim saying stuff like that about the cowboy Ellie was dating. "Guess that means you and I are out tonight?" he asked.

"You and I weren't ever going anywhere tonight. What are you doing here, Dal?"

There was not a good answer for that.

"You're here and there, but tonight you're in Tulsa when I'm pretty sure you haven't been lately. You just show up, and I'll pretend that I don't know why," she said, putting a hand on his. "You know, you were never mine anyway. And it never mattered if I wanted you to be or not."

That wasn't exactly true. He was with her more often than not. They were always on and off, always at each other's throats and then making up the next day.

"Don't give me that look," she said. "You never cared about anyone the way you did about her."

Dally played dumb. "Who?"

"I know I don't have to tell you who, but Ellie," she said. "Face it, Dal. When you noticed her, there was no one else who could ever catch your attention the same. You loved that girl no matter how much you may've tried not to. I saw it way back then. You kicked me and everyone else to the curb when you started bringing her around."

"She's nothing."

But Sylvia gave him a narrow glance. "How long have you been trying to convince yourself of that?"

He stared at her completely dumbfounded. Where was the shrill broad he'd always known? This girl in front of him was no one he had ever met.

"You know, that's her mom behind the counter," she said, motioning behind her.

"Fuck, that's who she is," he muttered, looking back at the counter.

"Want me to see if she'll bring her down here or something?"

It took a minute for that to register, and Dally snapped, "I'm done with her."

"But not with me?"

"I wasn't, but now that I see you ain't gonna sleep with me, yeah, I guess I am."

She rolled her green eyes and got up. She stood there for a minute before she ruffled his hair and kissed the top of his head.

"Maybe if you stuck around, you wouldn't have to be done with her. I'm not lying to you when I said what I said. You and that girl had something. You were different around her, and to be honest, it always made me so damn jealous that you treated her the way you did. I never knew you were capable."

Dally gave her a look and she winked at him as she took their cups away, just a shadow of the girl he used to run around with. He sat there another minute before he decided to leave. He stood in the middle of the diner for a moment, watching Sylvia and catching glances from Ellie's mom. From the look on her face, he knew exactly what she thought of him. He was certain he didn't have to worry about her saying anything to Ellie.

Finally he just gave up and headed back to his truck. As he headed back to Windrixville in the dark, all he could think about was Ellie.

XXX

Steve had his bags at his feet as he sat on the bench at the bus station, waiting for his friends. His hands hurt from constantly cracking his knuckles out of nervousness as he sat there. He finally tucked them under his legs. He really needed Soda and the guys to get there before he lost his mind. He would feel better once somebody who was facing the same thing he was got there, because he was starting to feel like the only person in the world and it scared him.

He had convinced himself that he wasn't worried. After all, being worried wasn't going to help him where he was going. All it was going to do was stress him out and keep him from focusing on whatever he needed to focus on. He had to keep reminding himself that he was the one that volunteered. It was entirely his fault that he was in the situation he was in, and he had no right to worry about it now.

He knew all of that was nonsense, though. He was terrified out of his mind, and there was no way out of it.

He snapped out of his reverie when he heard boots clomping toward him. Two-Bit was leading the gang toward him.

"How's it going, man?" Two-Bit asked, slapping him on the shoulder. He sounded somber, and it made Steve even sadder.

"As good as can be expected, I guess." He looked up to see Soda had the same expression he figured he had on his own face.

Wade and Ellie brought up the rear of the group. She tried to smile at Steve, but he could already see the tears in her eyes. This goodbye was the easy one.

"Don't you dare start," he warned her.

That made her lip quiver, and he knew he was going to miss Ellie a hell of a lot more than he figured he would.

"Come here," he said, scooting over on the bench to make room for her. It took her a moment to leave Wade's side, but she finally came over and sat beside him.

"Isn't your dad coming?"

"We said our goodbyes in the car." It consisted of a handshake, but Steve could see in his dad's eyes that he actually wanted to say something encouraging to him. He didn't though. He just helped him get his bags out of the car, shook his hand and patted him on the back before he left him at the bus station alone.

"I can't believe you guys are leaving already," she said.

He put an arm around her. "We'll be back before you know it. We'll be back after boot camp, and then that year or so in Vietnam is gonna fly by."

It felt like she actually cringed when he said Vietnam, and he pulled her closer to him.

"You take care of yourself while I'm gone, will ya?" She didn't respond. "I'm serious, El. I know what you're like. You get yourself into some low spots when you want to, and I'm not gonna be here to help you climb out of whatever hole you dig yourself into."

"Who says I'm going to dig myself into any hole while you're gone?"

He scoffed. "You're you, ain't you?"

She elbowed him gently. "I'm gonna miss you."

"I'll miss you, too, kid. I'm gonna miss all of you guys."

"You two, keep track of each other," Darry said. His voice sounded gruffer than usual, and Steve hoped he wasn't going to break down. There wasn't hope for any of them if Superman fell apart.

"You know we will, Dar," Soda said. He glanced above Steve at the large clock hung on the wall. "We need to get on the bus."

Pony caught Soda in a hug before he could even finish what he was saying. Steve forced himself to stand up before it was even harder to leave his friends. He hugged Ellie and shook Wade's hand.

"Keep an eye on that one," he said, nodding in Ellie's direction. "She's crazy sometimes, but she's a good kid."

Wade gave him a little smile. "I know, and I will. See you when you get back."

Two-Bit grabbed Steve's shirt collar and pulled him into a big bear hug. Soda had always been his best friend, but once he dropped out of school, it was just him and Two-Bit most of the time.

"Man, I'm gonna miss you," Two-Bit said. "Who's nerves am I gonna get on while you're gone?"

"Probably Carolyn's."

"That's for damn sure," she said. Even though she hadn't known any of them for very long, she still had tears in her eyes. Steve gave her a hug, too.

"If Wade's got to look out for Ellie while I'm gone, then you need to look out for Two-Bit."

"I'll try my best."

Darry and Allison were next.

"We're going to miss you guys," Allison said.

Darry nodded. "I know you guys will, but really, keep an eye on each other."

"Sure thing, Superman."

The only one that was left was Pony. Steve stood there awkwardly for a minute before he finally hugged the kid. They hadn't always gotten along great, but Pony was a good kid.

"Study hard, kid."

"Sure."

"We'll miss graduation, but save your graduation party for when we get back."

"We'll have a huge party for when you guys get back."

He just nodded and picked up his bags. Soda was saying his goodbyes to Wade and Ellie when Steve caught sight of the girl standing by the bus. He dropped his bags where he stood and walked over to her.

"What are you doing here, Evie?"

She stood there awkwardly, her lips in a firm line, before she finally said anything.

"Don't get any ideas, Steve. I just couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye."

Her lips were back in a firm line, but she was about to cry. He slowly closed the distance between the two of them, wondering if she was going to back away. When she didn't move, he wrapped his arms around her.

"Thanks for coming."

She just nodded against him.

"We'll be back in a couple months, after boot camp. Can I see you then?"

"Maybe," she whispered, her voice cracking.

He looked back at the clock on the wall and then back at her.

"I have to go."

She nodded. "I know."

"I love you, Evie."

"I know."

He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. "And you love me too," he whispered in her ear.

She pushed him away gently. "Shut up, Stevie," she said with a sad smile on her face.

He walked back to his friends and picked up his bags. He studied all of them one more time and then followed Soda to their bus. By the time they boarded the bus, Evie had made her way over to their friends.

"What's that mean?" Soda asked as they found their seats.

"Evie? Shit, I wish I knew."

The bus pulled out of the station and they waved at their group of friends. Once they were on the road, Soda looked over at him.

"What the hell are we doing, man?"

The panic in his voice was evident, and Steve leaned his head against the back of the seat.

"I wish I knew that too."

XXX

Lane went through his morning routine of a shower followed by a cup of coffee on the front porch. He sat there as his drink cooled and watched the sun come up. They had had a nice spring so far, but clouds were rolling in. They were going to get a soaking that day, and they'd be lucky if a tornado didn't roll right on through, too.

He was just about finished with his coffee when the front door swung open and slammed shut. He was surprised to see a young lady standing there, and she looked just as surprised to see him.

"Howdy," he said.

All she did was huff. She looked like she was torn between hitting someone and breaking down in tears. Her makeup was smeared and her clothes were a day old. He didn't have to ask what she was doing at his house. Dallas seemed to think he was being discreet, but he wasn't.

She stumbled a little as she made her way across the gravel driveway and Lane called out to her.

"You need a ride somewhere?"

"No," she yelled over her shoulder without even looking back.

"It looks like it's going to rain," he said, standing up. "I can drive you back into town."

"I said no," she yelled back.

He shook his head and turned back to the door. Dally was standing in his way.

"Let her go," he said.

Lane studied his nephew for a moment. "Making your rounds with all the girls in town ain't gonna fix whatever's wrong with you."

"Who said anything was wrong with me?"

"I just said something was wrong with you."

"Mind your own business, old man." Dally pulled on his jacket and headed for the barn.

"At least make sure they have a way to get back to town next time.

He didn't say anything, and Lane watched him go before he looked back down the road to see how far the girl had made it. He thought briefly about taking the truck and picking her up, but he figured that would go over about as well as Dally trying to drive her back to town. He sure hoped she made it before the storm hit.

_Can go home with anybody I meet,  
>But it's just a temporary high,<br>'Cause when I close my eyes,  
>I'm somewhere with you<em>


	32. Crush

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders, and The Horrible Crowes own "Crush."  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>_Call me when you drown, I can wait all night,  
>I've spent my whole life less up than my downs<br>_

**May 1969**

Dally tapped the pack of Kools against his palm as he walked out of the drugstore. A small part of him entertained the idea of going back to the store he knocked off the night he got shot, but that quickly fizzled out.

He opened the pack and tossed the wrapper to the ground. He pulled out a smoke and used the cheap Bic lighter he bought at the register. He could feel the weight of his Zippo in his pocket, but it had long since run out of lighter fluid.

He climbed into Lane's rust bucket of a truck and started to shut the door. A heavy hand landed on the open window and stopped it from going anywhere. Just when Dally thought he was going to get out of town without a scene, some joker had to mess with him. Some cop probably getting on him about littering.

"What's the big idea?" he muttered, opening the door again. He almost dropped the cigarette from between his lips when he saw Darry Curtis standing there.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was looking at a ghost," Darry said. He wasn't quite smiling, but then again, he hardly ever did.

"Good to see you, Darry." It was about as much as he could think to say. It was the first time he'd talked to anyone from home since Two-Bit and Tim were in the cooler with him.

"What are you doing in town?"

Dally shrugged, glancing around the parking lot to see if anyone else was nearby. "Just stopping on my way through."

Darry nodded, but he didn't look like he was buying it. "You in a hurry?"

"You know, man, I don't have much time to spend here," he lied. He motioned to the junk in the bed of the truck Lane had asked him to pick up while in town. "I gotta get this stuff back."

"Sure, sure, I understand," Darry said. He looked into the truck and then back at Dally. "I was just wondering if you wanted to grab a beer or something."

Way back when, Darry had never been the type to throw back a cold one and Dally was instantly suspicious. It was also the fastest Darry had ever invited him to do something other than get his feet off of the coffee table. The thing was, Dal wasn't one to turn down a free drink. He nodded to the old, rundown bar a ways down the street. "Over at Charlie's?"

"Well, it's not Charlie's anymore, but yeah, that's what I was thinking. But if you have to get going, no problem."

He took a puff of his cigarette. "You know, I think I've got time for a beer or two."

Darry smiled. "All right."

XXX

Darry made his way back from the bar with two beers in his hands. He wasn't lying when he told Dally he thought he saw a ghost in that parking lot. The last person he expected to see ever again was Dallas Winston. In a way, he had hoped he wouldn't see him again. He was a reminder of everything that had gone wrong in their lives. On the other hand, he was, at least at one time, a part of their gang, and a lot of those old wounds had finally healed.

When he got back to their booth, he noticed Dally glancing around. He almost seemed nervous.

"What's up?" he asked, handing him a bottle.

Dally shrugged. "Nothing, man."

"You looking for somebody?"

He shook his head and grinned a little before he took a swig of beer. "I guess I just hope nobody's looking for me."

It had been over two years since he got shot. Two whole years since anyone had really seen him, although Darry knew that the only one who ever really looked for him was Ellie. Everyone else had seemed okay that he was gone.

"Where've you been lately?"

Dally answered slowly, sounding as though he was choosing his words carefully. "Well, uh, prison for one. Since then I've been staying with my uncle."

"Where's that?" He had never heard Dally talk about any family besides his folks.

"Windrixville." He said it plainly, almost like Darry should have known.

"I didn't know you had family there," he said, unable to come up with anything better. He was thinking about the trips Pony and Ellie had been making there, and he wondered if Dally knew about them. Certainly Ellie didn't know a thing about Dally being in Windrixville. They all would have known a long time ago if that was the case.

"I ain't got much of anything there," he said.

There wasn't much Darry could say to that so he didn't say anything at all.

"What's going on around here?" Dally asked.

"It's changed a lot I guess. A lot is still the same, though."

He nodded. "What about the guys?"

Darry dove right in and told him the biggest news. "Soda and Steve are at boot camp right now. They just left not too long ago. Soda got drafted, and Steve enlisted right after."

"No shit?" Dally said, gripping the bottle with two hands. "I ain't all that surprised to hear that Steve did that, though."

"Yeah, I hate it almost as much as I'm glad. Soda needed that. You know, they hit a rough patch after Sandy left, but they're too good of friends."

"How's the kid?"

Darry noticed that he didn't look at him when he asked about Pony. Was there guilt there? He couldn't tell. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. "He's doing real good. He'll graduate in a few weeks, and he's looking at a full ride scholarship. I'm real proud of him."

"Wouldn't expect much less than that, huh? He always was real brainy."

"Once he learned to use his head," Darry said, eliciting a little smile from Dally. "You've seen Two-Bit since you've been gone. He's gotten a job at a big department store downtown as a security guard."

Dally seemed to choke on his beer and coughed. "No shit?"

"None of us could believe it when he said he got the job. He fought pretty hard for it. They didn't want to hire him with his record, but he convinced them he could spot a shoplifter a mile away. He's good at it, too."

"You still slaving away at both your jobs?"

Darry shrugged a little. "Just one job now. I got married about a month ago." He held up his left hand to show Dally his wedding band. "A nurse down at the hospital."

Dally raised an eyebrow. "Guess I missed a lot since I've been gone. I come back and you're married. Sylvia's married. I guess Steve did too?"

The mention of Sylvia made Darry pause for a second. How many trips had Dally been making into town?

"No, Evie broke it off when he enlisted, but I bet she comes back around. For Steve's sake, I hope she does, anyway." He didn't realize just how much he wanted that for Steve until he saw Evie show up at the bus station to say goodbye to him.

Dally nodded. "I guess I've missed out on a lot."

With a nod, Darry asked him, "You going to come back around here?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Things feel too different."

"More different than Windrixville? What are you even doing with your time out there?"

"My uncle's got a farm. I've been helping him with that."

Darry couldn't help but raise his eyebrows at the thought of Dallas Winston working on a farm. "Making an honest man out of you, is that right?"

Dally grinned and took a drink. "Not quite. Trying, I guess."

"You like it?"

All he got was a non-committal shrug. For a minute, they drank their beer in silence. Darry studied him, mapping out the differences he could make out, which were few. He looked largely the same to him, but he thought that maybe he acted different. He couldn't tell if it was a good different, but every part of him went against the belief that Dallas Winston could change for the better.

"You didn't ask how she was doing," he said.

Dally acted like he didn't know who he was talking about, but Darry could see the change in his face. He suddenly became harder to read. "Who?"

"Ellie."

"Is there something worth telling?" he asked as he tipped his bottle back and took a long drink.

"She was real bad off there for a while, you know. She's finally got her head on straight again, though. That's kind of why I wanted to talk to you when I saw you out there."

Dally narrowed his eyes, which Darry expected.

"Yeah? What about?"

"Don't get me wrong, Dal," he said. "If you wanna come back here, by all means, you should. But if you do, you keep your distance from Ellie."

He was in the middle of taking a drink and when he was finished, he slammed the bottle down onto the table. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"She's got a real nice guy she's been seeing. He's good for her."

"I'm not?"

Darry just looked at him, and Dally seemed to concede his point. It was his hope that maybe Dally had no real interest in her anymore. That she was nothing but a phase that he had moved out of. Hopefully, if he did come back around Ellie would see that and not get tangled up in him all over again. Dally's reaction made him believe otherwise.

"If you knew how bad things were looking for her after you left, you'd keep your distance. It took her a long time to get her head back on straight and I ain't aiming to watch her unwind again."

"Two-Bit told me she failed and all that."

"Yeah, well she's back in school now."

"Who's she seeing?"

"A nice kid that moved here from Texas. His dad's a pastor and all."

Dally raised an eyebrow and looked at Darry like he was kidding. "She's dating a preacher's kid?"

Darry gave him an even look. "She went from one extreme to another."

Dally's whole body tensed and he leaned into the table, his finger pointing at Darry threateningly.

"Listen," he warned, "I didn't come here so you could tell me what to do. If I want to come back, I will."

"I didn't say you couldn't," he replied. "Just leave her out of it if you do."

Dally finished his drink in another swallow and wiped his mouth. "Thanks for the drink. I gotta head out."

"It was good seeing you, Dallas."

"Yeah, real good."

Darry didn't miss the sarcasm as he watched his old friend walk away. "Take care."

Dally ignored him as he swung the door open and disappeared into the parking lot. He didn't know if he did any good telling Dally what he couldn't do. He knew him well enough to know that might make him want to do it even more. He just didn't want Ellie falling back into that same rut she had been in when he first left. She deserved a chance, and if she got roped back in with Dally, she didn't stand one.

Allison always gave him a hard time for the way he tried to push Wade onto Ellie when they first met, but he couldn't help himself. Wade was the opposite of boys like Dallas and Tim Shepard, and he was proving to be the kind of guy she needed in her life.

And then Dallas Winston had to stroll back into town.

Darry sighed. It was a disaster waiting to happen.

XXX

Ellie was laying on her stomach on Pony's bed, her head resting on her arms. She stared at him from where he was sitting on the floor across from her. A dress was draped across the back of his chair.

"You need to go."

Pony scowled and replied, "I'm not going."

"It's your senior prom. You're going."

"Without a date?"

"There will be plenty of girls there who will dance with you," she said. "I'm one of them."

It embarrassed him that she was offering him a pity dance at prom, but he was having trouble holding his ground. Ellie could be persuasive when she wanted to be.

"Come on. You're going off to college, and this is the last high school dance you can go to."

"How many did we go to before?" he asked, glancing at the mountain of blue fabric on the chair. "I don't have a tux."

"So get one."

"You make it sound like it's no big deal when it took you forever to find that," he said, pointing at the dress.

She glanced at it and shrugged. "It doesn't even fit right. Anyway, genius, it took me forever to find it because Carolyn found a bunch of last year's dresses in storage at that department store. You know I can't afford something like that brand new anyhow."

There weren't a lot of reasons he could really give her, and he was digging for them. His silence prompted a whole new round of begging from her.

"Please? You're going to be away next year, unless I can talk you into going to the junior college here in Tulsa. OU and OSU aren't too far but still not close enough to see you all the time," she said.

That killed him a little on the inside. He still hadn't told anyone about New York. He had no idea what he was thinking still keeping it a secret. Soda leaving made it that much harder for him to own up to. Fear was keeping his secret for him.

"Have you picked one yet? Darry said you got really good offers from all of them," she said.

Her eyes were focused on his, and he shrugged and looked away quickly.

"When do you have to choose?"

"Soon," he said. On the tip of his tongue was the confession that he was already committed to NYU.

They heard the front door open and a few seconds later Allison poked her head in. She smiled at them and asked Ellie, "Want to try and fit that dress right now?"

"Sure," she replied. She rolled off the bed, picked up the dress and walked to the hall, saying over her shoulder, "You're going, okay? We'll find you a tux."

"She talked you into going?" Allison asked him.

Ellie stuck her head back in and with the two of them looking at him the way they were, Pony nodded. "Looks like it."

XXX

There was commotion at his house when Darry made it home just before supper. Ellie was standing in the living room in a pair of heels in her prom dress as Allison worked around her gathering up loose spots and sticking in pins. Lizzie was dancing around her in a pair of Allison's heels.

They all three looked up at him as he came in, and he took in the sight and smiled. So many girly-type things were happening in his house, and it was so different from anything he was used to seeing that he loved it. He crouched down as Lizzie clomped over to him in her momma's heels and scooped her up when she got close.

"What's going on in here?" he asked.

"Momma's fixing Ellie's dress," she told him.

"I'm almost done," Allison mumbled through the pins clamped between her lips.

"You look nice, El," Darry said. She flashed him a smile and he wondered if she ever looked so happy while Dally was around. "The prom is next Saturday?"

Ellie nodded. "I just talked Pony into going."

"No kidding?"

Allison slid one more pin into Ellie's dress and said with her lips free, "That should do it. I'll help you change out of it."

He went into the kitchen and when he set Lizzie on the counter top, one shoe fell off of her tiny foot and hit the floor.

"Oopsie," she giggled.

He picked it up and set it over her toes and said, "Just like Cinderella."

She giggled again and he set her back down to go play. Ellie and Allison came in a few minutes later.

"You want to stay for supper?" Allison asked as she gathered her things. "There's plenty."

"No thanks, I really gotta get home. Jimmy goes to work soon."

Allison went to finishing up supper once Ellie was gone, and Darry just stood there thinking about Dally. It consumed him that maybe he had lit a fuse telling him to leave her alone.

"Are you listening?"

"Huh?" he said, looking up at Allison.

She probed him with those clear blue eyes and said, "Everything okay?"

She would kill him for sure if she knew the conversation he just had, so he kept it to himself and said that everything was fine.

XXX

Dally fumed the entire drive back to Windrixville. Where the hell did Darry Curtis get off telling him what he could and couldn't do? Just because the bastard was married and happy, he could draw lines around Tulsa and say Dally could go here but not there? It pissed him off.

By the time he pulled into Lane's driveway, he had had it. He climbed out of the truck and slammed the door hard enough that he was surprised the window didn't crack. He was ready to put his fist through it to solve that problem when he remembered all the shit he had hauled back from Tulsa. It was mostly more fencing crap, so he took his frustrations out on the wooden posts.

Dally had almost gotten all of the two-by-fours out of the bed of the truck – into a mangled pile on the gravel driveway – when Lane walked up to him.

He glanced up for a second before he went back to doing what he was doing. That quiet, appraising look his uncle always seemed to give him when Dally was pissed made him want to clock the old man. If Lane wasn't careful, he was going to get a two-by-four to the head.

"What's your problem?" Dally hissed.

"That was what I was going to ask you," Lane replied, leaning heavily on his cane. "I don't have one."

"Me neither," he growled.

"Well, then," Lane said. Dally had the last wooden post in his hands, and he straightened up to look at his uncle head on.

"What?"

Lane shrugged. "Glad I don't have to get all fatherly for you. Since you don't have a problem."

"Good. How about you just leave me the hell alone, old man?"

"Rough trip to Tulsa?"

"Tulsa is none of your business."

Lane shrugged again, and Dally threw the post he was gripping onto the pile on the ground before he did something real stupid with it.

"You wanna hear something I always notice after you get back here from Tulsa?"

"No. I don't."

Lane ignored him and leaned against the cab of the truck. "You're never happy when you get back here."

"Why in the hell would I be happy to be here?" Dally snapped, motioning to all of the rundown facets of the farm.

His uncle considered that and nodded. "Maybe, but you're even more unhappy when you get_ back_ here. Why is that?"

"Listen, old man," he said, jumping out of the bed of the truck and standing over Lane until he was inches from his face, "if I wanted to listen to this bullshit psychology, I'd go back to prison and talk to the shrink there. I don't give a shit what you notice about me."

To his credit, Lane never flinched. He never even blinked. He just nodded again. "Fair enough."

Dally backed off enough to let him hobble back to the house. He was almost to the porch when he turned around again.

"Just so you know, if those posts are cracked from the way you've been throwing them around, you'll need to go back and get replacements."

Dally closed his eyes and bit his tongue until he felt like he wasn't going to pummel the old man. When he opened his eyes, Lane was gone.

The first post Dally picked up off the pile was cracked to hell. He let out a yell as it tossed it across the field beside the house.

_And I know one thing sure is true,  
>I never kept a secret,<br>I've got a crush on you_

* * *

><p><em>That was just for you, joshhutchersonissexy123. :-)<em>


	33. Revelry

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders._ Kings of Leon owns "Revelry."**

* * *

><p><em>What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine<br>With the fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene_

**May 24, 1969**_  
><em>  
>Ellie was already blushing as Allison spun her around to check every angle of her dress, her shoes, her hair and make up. She gushed about how pretty she was, and Lizzie gawked at her with wide eyes.<p>

"You look like a princess," she said.

"You look beautiful," Allison agreed.

Ellie looked at herself in the full length mirror that only could have come from Allison's house and took herself in. Allison had done everything and she actually agreed that she could pass for a princess, at least for the night. Her hair had been curled and pinned elegantly around her head, with soft tendrils hanging around her temples. Her make up was so simple, but her eyes shone and she never felt so put together. She turned a little to each side to watch the water-blue chiffon dress move with her.

"The boys are ready," Allison said. "Are you?"

Even though she knew she would be mortified knowing everyone was there and everyone would stare at her, she was. It was going to be a good night.

Allison led the way down the hall and Lizzie walked right beside Ellie, periodically touching her dress. When Ellie stepped into the living room the first person she saw was Wade standing there in his tux and without his cowboy hat, a thoughtful smile on his face. Blush crept up her cheeks with his glance and Two-Bit's whistling.

"You look really nice, El," Darry said.

"My, my, El-la. I didn't know you could clean up so good," Two-Bit said. "I thought Pony here was pretty spiffy, but look at you!"

"Shut up, Two-Bit," she commanded with a smile. She glanced at Pony for the first time and admired him in his tux. He looked good, and she gave him wink as Wade stepped up to her. He took her in and she looked at him. Someone must have helped him with his hair because it was slicked back with hair oil, but it looked good on him. Wade and Pony were going to break a lot of hearts tonight.

"You look beautiful," Wade said as he took her hand and slipped a corsage onto her wrist. It was a white rose.

She looked into his eyes and felt better than she ever had.

"How about a picture?" Allison said, handing Darry her camera. She pointed a the fire place. "Over there."

Ellie stood flanked by Pony and Wade as Darry snapped a picture and then Allison wanted one of just Pony, and one of her and Wade. They all three stood the picture taking long enough for Allison to get what she wanted, and they were ushered to Wade's car.

XXX

The Will Rogers gymnasium was decked out for a Night Under the Stars, and it was already wall-to-wall people when they walked in. Ellie was helpless against Wade leading her to the dance floor to even stop Pony from making a beeline to the tables.

"Of course he would just go and sit down," she said, wrapping her arms around Wade's neck. In her heels, she was nearly eye-to-eye with him.

His arms encircled her back, and he held her tight. "Ah, he's okay. He'll get into it."

"He'd better."

They danced every song for nearly an hour. Well, they danced to slow songs and Wade awkwardly moved during the faster ones. She laughed at him and his uncertain steps and moved with him. As soon as a slow song came on, he cut in and pulled her close again, often whispering sweet things in her ear and making her want to never let him go.

"You're beautiful," he said. "You always are, not just tonight."

Some things she had no idea how to respond so she would just kiss him softly instead, which seemed to be okay for him.

"I'm glad you asked me," she said once.

"I didn't figure you would say no."

"I mean when you asked me out," she told him. He looked at her, a smile in his blue eyes. "I'm just sorry it took so long for me to say yes."

"I woulda waited for you," he said, kissing her forehead. "I was crazy about you. Still am."

"Sometimes I don't know why. I'm a lot to handle."

"I think I've got you figured out."

"Almost."

XXX

Pony looked uncomfortable sitting at the table in the back of the gymnasium all by himself, so Ellie pulled away from Wade, mid-dance.

"Would you mind if I asked Pony to dance this one?" she asked. "He looks kind of miserable, and I was the one that talked him into coming in the first place."

Wade glanced over at him and nodded.

"Go ahead. I'll get us something to drink."

She smile at him and made her way to the table where Pony was slouched in his chair. The heels were starting to really hurt her feet.

Pony regarded her with a wide eyed look as though he knew she was about to force him out of his hiding spot.

"Get up," she ordered.

"What?"

"You heard me. Let's dance."

"I've already danced tonight."

She put a hand on her hip and said, "Yeah, I saw you with her. What's her name again?"

"Julie. She's on the newspaper staff with me."

"Why aren't you dancing with her now?"

"She found somebody else to dance with. And because I don't want to."

"Too bad, you're dancing with me. Stop being such a drag."

"I don't want some pity dance, okay? Isn't it enough that I came at all?"

Ellie glanced back at the dance floor and other tables. There were probably a handful of girls that were watching Pony. It was the way girls always watched Soda at the DX who were too shy to actually talk to him. Unlike Soda, Pony had no idea all those girls were gaga over him.

"Did you ask Julie to dance with you?"

He looked a little bashful. "No, she asked me."

"You're such an idiot," she said with a grin. She grabbed his arm, and he reluctantly let her pull him out of his chair. "If you would just open your eyes, you'd see that there's a ton of girls that want to dance with you if you'd just ask them. And, by the way, this isn't a pity dance."

"It's not?" He sounded skeptical.

"Would you just come on?"

She elbowed her way to the middle of the floor and did most of the dancing for the first song. Pony tried his best to still look miserable, but she could tell he was getting close to having fun.

The fast song ended, and Pony turned on his heel. She grabbed his arm as a slow song started.

"No way. You don't get off the hook that easy."

"You should be dancing to this with Wade, not me."

"We've danced to every song so far tonight. And you know he won't mind missing this one or two."

Pony reluctantly pulled her closer and they swayed to the music.

"Heard from Soda lately?"

"Yeah, I got a letter from him a couple days ago."

"How's he sound?"

"His letter sounded like he's doing okay, but I can't imagine he's the same old Soda. He's gotta be scared."

She nodded. "Both of them."

"He said we wouldn't recognize either of them when they get home with the way they've got their hair cut."

She smiled a little. "I'm sure Soda can adapt, but I don't know about Steve."

"He gave me such a hard time about my hair when it was cut and bleached, I can't wait to give it right back to him."

It was a hard memory to smile at, but she did anyway. Pony did look awfully strange with bleached hair and the hacksaw haircut Johnny had given him. If he hadn't been so sick he would have had endless ribbing from all the guys until it grew out.

"That'll be weird to see them like that. When do they come home on leave?"

"A few weeks."

A few weeks until they were home and it only meant a few weeks after that they were headed for Vietnam. She put her head on his shoulder as they danced in silence after that because, anymore, it felt like there was nothing to talk about that wasn't depressing.

XXX

"Thanks for the dances, El," Pony said. She looked about as sad as he felt when they stopped talking about Steve and Soda at boot camp. Nothing was ever going to make that an easy conversation to have until they were both back home safe.

She looked like she was about to say something to him when Mr. Syme walked up to them. He was one of a handful of teachers chaperoning the dance, and he clapped Pony on the shoulder and nodded at Ellie.

"Having fun, you two?"

"Sure," he said.

"I just heard about your plans for the fall and wanted to congratulate you."

Pony felt frozen in place all of a sudden. His pulse pounded in his ears and he felt like he might faint. He had never figured out a way to tell anyone about his plans, and he knew the longer he avoided it, the more impossible it seemed to tell anyone.

He tried to smile at Mr. Syme and get away as fast as possible, but it wasn't happening because he just kept right on talking.

"I ran into Mr. Burwell the other day, and he said you're headed to New York in the fall. That's a great opportunity. I hope you're pursuing English."

Pony tried to keep his attention on Mr. Syme, but he could see Ellie glancing between them, a confused look on her face. He quickly glanced over at her and immediately regretted it. Everything Mr. Syme was saying became a dull buzz, and Ellie seemed to understand just exactly what was happening. The confused look on her face turned to pure anger before she stalked away, pushing her way through the crowd of dancing juniors and seniors.

"Excuse me, Mr. Syme," Pony said before he followed the path Ellie had created on the dance floor. Even though he wasn't looking for him, Pony caught Wade's confused glance, but ran after Ellie instead of waiting on him to explain.

XXX

She threw the door open with all her might and walked outside. It was so much cooler than the hot gym, and she felt like she was suffocating. She struggled to get her heels off as she walked.

The door had no sooner closed before it banged open again.

"Wait up, Ellie," Pony yelled after her.

She ignored him.

"Will you please just listen to me?"

"Listen to what?" she snapped, spinning on her heel to face him. He was jogging to catch up to her and stopped dead in his tracks when she looked at him. "I think I heard plenty."

He looked down at his shoes, and she could tell he was embarrassed. She didn't care.

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I knew if I did, you'd just be mad at me."

"So, what, you just thought you'd head off to New York and I'd never notice the difference?"

"Of course not."

The door to the gymnasium swung open again, but Ellie ignored it.

"So you're just going to up and leave like this? I can't believe you would do that to us." Tears pricked in her eyes, but she blinked them back. She felt so mad, so upset over it all and she still hadn't had time to actually let it sink in. Pony was leaving, too.

"To who?" he asked. "In case you haven't noticed, there aren't that many of us left."

"Which is all the more reason for you to stay," she snapped.

She finally noticed Wade walking up to them slowly.

"You oughta give Pony a great big 'congratulations,'" she told him. "He's headed off to New York in a couple months."

Wade glanced between her and Pony, but he hardly met her eyes. That set her back a step.

"I think it's a really great chance for him."

She narrowed her eyes it something dawned on her. "Did you know about this?"

He shifted uncomfortably in front of her, but it was Pony who spoke up.

"This ain't his fault. I just needed to tell somebody about this, and I couldn't exactly tell you because I knew you'd act like this."

She literally felt like she'd been slapped. They were her closest friends, the ones she trusted for anything and everything, and they had kept her out of a huge secret she felt like she deserved to know.

"I'm sorry that I'm not jumping for joy over the idea of you going all the way to New York. Maybe if I wasn't finding out just before you had to go I wouldn't have! What does Darry think about all of this?"

Now Pony shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"You haven't even told him? When would you be leaving? August? That's less than three months away, Pony! Don't you care at all about how he would feel about this?"

"Of course I do!" he snapped. His eyes fell from hers back to his shoes. "I just don't know how to tell him. I wanted to make sure I had it all together, the scholarships and everything so he didn't have to worry about it."

"I can't believe you. How can you do this to him?"

"He's done all of this so I can go to college," he said, his voice a lot stronger and more defiant than before. "Besides, what does he need me here for? He's married. He's got Allison and Lizzie to take care of."

"You're his brother. Isn't that good enough?"

Wade finally spoke up again.

"Ellie, you're always telling me about how you want out of this place. Can't you be happy for Pony? This is a big deal."

She suddenly felt more angry with him than she was with Pony. Suddenly she felt like she had no idea who he was. "You've got some nerve. You lied to me about this."

It wasn't about her not getting to go anywhere, it was that she was losing someone else in her life. Through the haze of her anger, a thought crept into her mind that Pony may never come back from New York.

"I never lied to you," Wade argued, clearly agitated from the accusation. "I just never told you about it."

"That's the same thing," she snapped. "It's almost worse."

He didn't argue but the look on his face told her he didn't agree. Instead, he changed the subject. "You're jealous, that's all this is about."

She glared at him. "I am not jealous. I'm worried about Darry."

"No," Pony said. "He's right. You're just jealous that you're stuck here, and I'm getting out."

She turned her glare from Wade to Pony before she finally had enough and walked away.

"Where are you going?" Wade asked.

She kept walking, not really sure where she was going, just so long as it was away from them. She headed for the main parking lot on the other side of the building, trying to put some distance between her and the two of them, but her dress and her bare feet were slowing her down.

"Would you please come back?" Pony asked. "This is your prom too."

"No."

"Because you're mad at both of us? You can be mad at me, but this isn't Wade's fault."

"You both lied to me."

"You're being ridiculous."

She held her heels in one hand and kept walking. It was when she rounded the corner of the school that she felt all the anger vanish. She stopped so suddenly that Pony ran into her. A hand flew to her gaping mouth as she stared at a ghost in front of her. The sharp intake of air that came from him told her Pony saw it too.

At the curb sat a rusty old pickup truck.

On the bumper of that truck sat Dallas Winston.

_Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart  
>But the demon and me was the best of friends from the start.<em>


	34. Nobody Knows You Like I Do

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders._ The Horrible Crowes owns "Sugar."**

**Because you guys are always so cool about the cliffhangers we leave you with, we're posting (a couple hours) early. :)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>I saw you walking with him down the stairs that I walked you in<br>I got hurried for midnight, with slippers of glass and perfect fits_

The shock of seeing Dally rocked her to her core. She stood there staring, unable to determine if he was real or not. He wasn't supposed to be there.

She couldn't manage to get a single word out, but Pony said his name and she expected him to dissipate like the smoke from his cigarette. Dally didn't say anything, he just nodded and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. Everything was different about him. Everything except for those eyes.

She couldn't say a word, but she kept walking. Suddenly Wade was beside her, his hand tight around her arm.

She looked up at him out of sheer surprise. Of all the boys in her life, he was the only one that had never grabbed her to get her attention, and now his hand was clenching her forearm.

"Where are you going?" he asked, glancing from her to the truck in front of them.

She still couldn't manage a word. She just stared at him, realizing he wasn't much different than all the other boys. He still lied to her and hurt her, whether he meant to or not. Wrenching her arm away from him, she walked to the truck and opened the door.

XXX

Ponyboy felt like he was watching a movie. It couldn't be real, anyway. Dallas Winston back in Tulsa, and Ellie running off with him without so much as a word. He stared at the taillights as the truck drove away to God knows where.

Wade was standing helpless beside him, and Pony cleared his throat, trying to come up with something to say.

"That … that was – "

"I know," Wade snapped. He was still staring at the where the truck had been parked at the curb. "I know exactly who that was."

"Wade."

He glanced back, a look on his face Pony had never seen before. "I never stood a chance with her, did I?"

Pony couldn't bring himself to respond. He thought Wade had. He really did. Or at least he had hoped he did. But maybe deep down, he knew that if Dally ever came home, Ellie would never give Wade a second look. He just didn't think Dally would come home, especially on Prom night.

"Let's just go," Wade said. "I'm not waiting around here."

Reluctantly, Pony followed him to the car.

XXX

The open windows whipped cool air around the inside of the truck. Fly away strands of her hair and loose curls tickled her face and neck and helped to fill the space with his smell. The mingling scent of his cigarettes, which was still terribly familiar, and other smells she didn't remember about him, but were wonderful all the same.

He zoomed through the city. They flew down the Ribbon, still without speaking a word, until they were outside of the city lights and on a long stretch of dark country road. She stole a glance at him as he focused on the road ahead of them. One elbow was parked on the door, his fingers drumming nervously on the roof of the truck, the other hand rested lazily on the steering wheel.

Words weren't coming to her and she was scared to death to touch him, thinking that it would cause him to disappear before her eyes; that she would wake up only to find this whole thing just a dream. She focused forward again, but the whipping breezes brought another smell to her. She could smell the rose still on her wrist and she slowly looked down at it. A boy whom she thought meant so much to her put it there because he loved her. A lump formed in her throat and she wasn't sure it was because she already knew she'd lost him or because of how he lied to her when she never believed he would.

"Can you stop?" she asked. She was afraid that he didn't hear her over the wind and the thickness in her throat, but after a few seconds he stopped the truck and everything was silent. She wanted him to say something so badly.

She looked at him and into those icy eyes, trying to find the boy she knew.

"This okay?" he asked, his voice calm and quiet. His hands were on his thighs.

Licking her lips, she said in a strangled voice, "Where've you been?"

Almost three years of pent up frustration and tears were completely gone in this moment. She could hardly think of a thing to say to him.

Dally looked ahead up the road. "Windrixville."

He said it as though she should have known that, but the name stuck her like a pin. Windrixville was so close to Tulsa. At least closer than all the places she kept him in her mind. She thought he was in Texas, in California, in New York, or dead somewhere, but he was right under her nose the whole time.

"Why there?" She really just wanted to know why not Tulsa instead.

With a shrug, he said, "I got an uncle there."

"I didn't know that."

"I know."

For a long time, she didn't say anything or look at him and he was equally as silent. She wondered what she was doing, and realized just how easy it was to fall back into old habits. Though it seemed like such a long time ago, she remembered Soda asking her exactly what she would do if Dally showed up. Finally, she had an answer and it was a simple one. It was too easy to just climb into a truck with him and run away.

Dally touched the back of her hand near where Wade had grabbed her and she turned to face him. The shock of his touch was like lightening through her, and she felt relieved that he didn't disappear in a cloud of smoke before her.

"I hardly recognized you, doll face."

Just hearing him talk like that changed something in her. Somewhere inside, she forgot the important things and remembered this boy that always used to make her go weak. This boy that had been so hurt he had no choice but to do the terrible things he did. This boy that had finally come back.

Leaning close to him, she put her hands on either side of his face. He looked right into her eyes and she trembled being so close to him after so long. Very slowly, she kissed him. She was hesitant and her lips were soft against his, but the warmth was there. When she drew away, he opened his eyes and one of his hands met hers on his cheek. He asked her the same question again.

"Is this okay?"

Still very close to him, she said, "Yes."

Sitting back in the seat, she sat closer to him this time. As he put the old truck back on the road, she pulled the white rose corsage off of her wrist and dropped it out of the open window.

XXX

Wade stopped in front of the house, and Pony reluctantly opened the door. He just sat there with both hands clenching the steering wheel. He hadn't even bothered to put the car into park.

"Listen, man, you wanna come inside? Talk or something?"

He just shook his head.

"Then just hang out for a while. She's gonna realize what a stupid thing she did and come back here."

Wade sighed. "If you would have just told her in the first place, about college, about New York, then none of this would've happened."

"What?"

"I'll see you later."

Pony climbed out of the car and had barely closed the door before Wade took off down the street. He clinched his hands into fists. If he could walk to Windrixville, he would punch the living daylights out of Dally and drag Ellie home by the hair.

He walked into the house and slammed the door behind him. Darry and Allison were still up, watching TV.

"What are you doing home?" Darry asked, looking at his watch. "It's not even 11 yet."

Pony just shook his head.

"Where's Wade and Ellie?" Allison asked.

"Wade's on his way home. Ellie …" He wasn't even sure where to begin. "She left without us."

Allison frowned. "Left without you? Where'd she go?"

"My best guess is Windrixville."

She still looked confused, but Darry recognized the name. He leaned forward and sighed.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Dally showed up."

"Dally?" Allison asked. "Is Ellie okay?"

"Who gives a damn if she's okay?" Pony snapped before he could stop himself. He didn't even need to see the look on his brother's face to know he was out of line speaking to Allison that way. "Sorry. I just … it's not like he forced her go with him or anything. She got in that truck on her own. I watched her. Wade watched her."

"Can I talk to Pony for a minute, honey?" Darry asked.

"Yeah, of course."

He kissed her on the temple before she stood up. She paused in front of Pony.

"Sorry," he muttered, feeling like an asshole. "I'm just mad at Ellie about tonight."

She gave him a squeeze on the arm. "I know, Pony."

When she had disappeared down the hall, he finally got up the nerve to look over at his big brother. He expected an earful for snapping at Allison the way he did, but Darry just stared blankly at the television.

"How'd you know Dally was in Windrixville?" he finally asked.

Pony sank down on the couch. "I saw him when me and Ellie were there in March. I didn't tell her. Obviously." Darry seemed to be thinking hard about something, and Pony elbowed him. "What?"

"I think this is my fault."

He sat up to get a good look at Darry. "Why would it be yours?"

"I ran into Dally a couple weeks ago. I told him if he wanted to come back home, that was fine, but he needed to stay away from Ellie. So I basically dared him to come back here and do something like this. I'm guessing Wade didn't take it well."

Pony shook his head. "Never seen him that mad before."

"I guess I owe him an apology."

"The only person that needs to apologize is Ellie. And I guess Dally, too, but there's probably a better chance of hell freezing over than that happening."

"I can't believe he came back like that."

"What are we supposed to do?"

Darry looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"We just let her run off like that? With Dally?"

"Kid, there's nothing else we can do."

"She's got some nerve, doing this after she yelled at me about leaving."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Darry glanced over at him, and for a brief moment, Pony knew he could lie his way out of his slip-up. He could play it off. He couldn't do it, though. What Wade had said came back to him, and all he could think was how this really may have been his fault. Not all his, probably not even half of it considering Dally was involved, but enough that he felt guilty for keeping New York a secret for so long.

"I really need to tell you something, Darry," he finally said. "And I really need you to not be mad at me for it. But I understand if you are."

"What are you talking about, kid?"

Pony had his brother's undivided attention now, and he regretted being such a coward for the last few months.

"There's some things I haven't told you about my plans for the fall."

XXX

After a long while, Dally turned the truck up a long gravel driveway. He sped up the drive, kicking up dust through the open windows. She looked at the small farmhouse thoughtfully, and Dally stopped the truck. In the dark she could see the outline of a barn and she could only assume acres of fields beyond that. It was so strange.

He got out of the truck, and she scooted across the seat and went out his door. She left her shoes neatly paired together on the floor of the truck. In her bare feet on the prickly gravel, she stepped away from the truck, but he took a hold of one of her arms, letting his hand slide down to hers as he pulled her against him. Standing so close she could feel how hard he was breathing, how hard his heart was beating. She reached up and wrapped her arms loosely around his neck and looked deep into those eyes. She tried to read everything she missed in the time he had been gone, and he held her face in his hands. When he kissed her, it was like the one thing she had been waiting on her entire life. She wanted nothing else and no one else. Nothing was ever as perfect as it was right then, as if everything had finally gone back to the normal she had wanted so badly. It was entirely him, and she remembered all the reasons she ever loved him. Wade was forgotten.

Breaking away from the kiss, she could still feel his breath hot on her face. His hands dropped from her face, one trailing down her arm, giving her chills until his hand took hers again. He pulled her forward, and she clung to him.

Inside, the house was cozy and noticeably empty. She had no idea what time it was, but she wasn't really thinking about who else would be there. All she could think about was him and the longing she felt. Two and a half years was a very long time, and she was feeling that distance closing in.

He took her to a room at the end of the hallway, past closed doors and dark pictures hanging on the walls. Once inside, he shut the door quietly behind him and let go of her hand. He didn't make a move to come closer to her. For a long time, he seemed to just look at her, no words between them. Behind her she noticed the curtains billowing softly in the breeze, and she smiled to herself.

"What?"

"Your window's open."

Dally looked over his shoulder and shrugged. "Can't sleep with it closed," he said.

"I know."

There was space between them, something she hadn't noticed before, but it wasn't physical space. It was time. In the light, she finally noticed how different he was. He looked so much tougher. She couldn't ask him if it was because of prison.

"This is your uncle's house?"

"Yeah. He makes me work."

It was hard to not smile at that, and she said, "He's made an honest man of you yet."

"He tells me he's trying," he said.

It killed her when he smiled. An honest, almost embarrassed smile and he looked down at his feet. She had never seen Dallas smile like that, and she closed the distance between them. As though she saw him yesterday, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him like she was trying to erase the two years of silence they had.

Without much hesitancy, she felt his arms circle her waist and he pulled her closer. He walked her backward a couple of steps and flipped off the bedroom light. His hands traveled down her back, and she kissed him along his jaw line. She felt him shiver and he moaned in her ear. She grabbed handfuls of his shirt, feeling the taut muscles of his lean frame beneath it. She managed to pull it up and over his head.

His hands worked nimbly behind her as he unzipped her dress. The problem with time was that it sometimes came crashing back on you. As his hands slid up her arms to tug at the straps of her dress, she touched the white scar of a bullet wound on his bare torso. Two years did not seem long enough ago that he was shot, that Johnny died. Physically touching the wounds made it seem like only yesterday Darry stopped her from running after him. It was still too raw of a memory for her to bear.

"Don't," he said between kisses as he removed her hand.

She didn't argue. He pulled on the straps of her dress, and she let it fall to the floor in a heap of blue chiffon and tulle.

When she reached for the fly of his jeans, he actually jumped and she felt his smile against her lips, even though she knew it was a smirk this time.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked as she unzipped him.

She knew what he meant and she just kissed him harder. For once he didn't have to gently coax her into bed with him; this time she was the one pulling him toward it.

She pulled the few pins and fancy barrettes out of her hair, letting the curls fall about her shoulders as Dally kicked his jeans off.

She lay down, and he knelt onto the bed over her. He kissed her bare shoulder and she ran her hands down his back.

"Dally," she whispered

He raised his head, and they were close enough she could see his face in the dark.

"I missed you."

He replied with a deep kiss, and she dug her nails into his shoulders.

XXX

Wade drove around town in a daze for hours. He knew he was way past curfew, but he also knew his parents trusted him and wouldn't be waiting up. By the time he finally pulled the car into the driveway, the house was dark, and he was relieved.

Well, relieved until he remembered everything that had happened. One second, he's dancing with his girlfriend at their junior prom, and the next, she's jumping into a truck with some lunatic ex-boyfriend of hers. But mostly what he remembered was her reaction when he grabbed her arm and tried to stop her. The look of anger in her eyes was enough to make him let go. He should have held on, though. He should have stopped her from going. He didn't need anyone to tell him that was Dallas Winston leaning on that car, and he certainly shouldn't have needed to tell Ellie that what she was doing was stupid. Unforgivable, even.

He quietly made his way into his house and up the stairs, careful not to wake his family. The last thing he wanted was to talk to anybody about anything.

Turning on his bedroom light, he looked around. What he really wanted was to find something of Ellie's and break it. A record she loaned him, a picture frame she had given him. Something. He leaned against his door and shook his head. That was the thing about Ellie.

She had never given him anything.

_Nobody else waits on you when your hands shake like the breeze  
>And your mind is a permanent dream,<br>Left your head long before you broke through my door._


	35. This City Breathes the Plague

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Mumford and Sons owns "Hold on to What You Believe."**

* * *

><p><em>I ran away,<br>I could not take the burden of both me and you_

**May 25, 1969_  
><em>**

When Ellie woke up, she jolted out of sleep like she had fallen out of bed. For a moment she just lay there, trying to remember where she was. Beside her, the bed was empty and she pressed her hand flat against the sheets only to find them cold. But before she had time to worry, she smelled the cigarette smoke wafting through the open window.

Scooting across the bed, she reached for her slip and put it on. She went to the window and looked out. Dally was sitting on the rail of the wrap-around porch, dressed in only his jeans and looking out at the horizon. It was still dark, but far off, the sky was beginning to lighten to a dark blue.

Climbing outside, she padded across the porch with bare feet until she was right in front of him. She leaned her hip into the rail and stared at him.

"I'll bet there's an all-points bulletin out for you right about now," he said, his voice rough against the silent night.

"I doubt it. No one will be worried enough."

"Sure."

Not wanting to talk about anyone missing her or not missing her, she looked out into the night. It was quiet here, and it smelled so much different than home. It was nice and she looked at him, studying the look on his face as he smoked. He had a hard look on his face. So much of her just wanted to know what was on his mind, but every part of her knew he would never tell.

She looked at the scars on his chest again and forced herself to look away. Talking about the night Johnny died was not something she was ready for.

"Why'd you come here?" she asked quietly.

He shrugged and stubbed his cigarette out on the underside of the rail and flicked the butt away. There was something inherently different about this Dally. This was a calmer, quieter person than she remembered. Maybe it was everything he'd gone through that made him grow up. Maybe he just realized he had to.

"You could have come home," she said.

At this, he looked right at her. His eyes penetrated hers, and she shifted a little under his stare.

"What home? My old man split. Not that I wanted to fucking go back there."

Ellie looked away from him, feeling herself start to choke up. She had no idea why he was at the school the night before, but she had a feeling he didn't expect her to actually see him.

"I missed you," she whispered, afraid to look at him when she said it.

"I figured you would have found me up here."

That made her brows knit together, and she looked at him. "How could I have done that? For all I knew you lit out for New York as soon as you got out."

He studied her, seemed to want to say something, and then shook his head.

Tentatively, she moved closer to him. She didn't think anything through when she got into that truck and thought even less getting into bed with him. Now, all she could do was think, and it was killing her. It was more than two years since she saw him last. Two years of worry that she realized she had only ever been able to bury skin deep while everyone else just seemed to forget.

Softly, she set her hands on his chest and rested her forehead between her hands. She could hear his heart beating.

Again, she said, "I missed you."

Relief flooded through her, and she relaxed against him when his arms wrapped around her. There was an immediate warmth there and once again, she let everything else fall away. All that mattered was the here and now.

After a minute, he kissed the top of her head and let go of her. "Come on."

She followed him back to the window, and he helped her in. She watched him as he crawled back into the bed and then stared at her still standing there.

"You coming? Or you want me to sleep on the floor or something?"

It hard to tell if he was joking or not, and she climbed back under the blankets beside him. Instantly, he touched her. He kissed her and his hands started to roam and she couldn't help but laugh. He stopped completely and stared at her as though she was nuts.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said, trying not to giggle. "It's just, there you are now."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing for you to worry about," she said, as she pulled his face back down to hers.

XXX

Dally was awake just after the sun came up, which was pretty much the norm anymore. He lay there another minute, listening for Lane to start moving around. Ellie was still sound asleep and his was asleep from where she was laying on it. Carefully, he struggled to get it out from under her without waking her up.

He found some semi-clean jeans on the floor and grabbed a shirt from the dresser before he headed to the bathroom. Stepping quietly, he walked over the heap of her dress still on the floor, and closed the door behind him.

He stood in the shower for a long time, wondering what the hell he had just done.

Since Darry had warned him away from Tulsa, that was all Dally had thought of. The thing was, even though he had gone to the school, he didn't really expect to see Ellie. He sure didn't expect her to see him. And the last thing he wanted was exactly what happened. But all of a sudden, she was in the truck with him and they were putting miles between them and Will Rogers. And he realized he didn't hate it. In fact, it felt good. It felt familiar and old and … normal.

Ever since he had gotten out of prison and made his way in Windrixville, the place had felt safe to him. It belonged to him somehow. And now Ellie was sleeping in his bed, and it wasn't just his anymore. He guessed it really hadn't been his all along, especially after Pony spotted him months earlier, but the kid wasn't going to come poking around, looking for him. Ellie would, though.

He wiped the water off his face. After everything he had gone through, everything he had done, he was still fucking shit up.

XXX

Ellie woke up to an empty bed again, the sun pouring through the curtains. She glanced around the room, realizing she had been so caught up in Dally the night before that she hadn't noticed much about it. It wasn't really his, but with his boots in the corner, his dirty clothes on the floor, it reminded her of the room he used to rent at Buck's.

She climbed out of bed, still in her slip, and headed for the dresser. The slip was better than nothing, but she needed more to wear than that or her prom dress. She dug through the top couple of drawers which were mostly empty but finally found an old flannel button-down. It was big but she could manage something with it.

As she rolled up the sleeves, she noticed something in the bottom of the drawer. Moving the clothes aside, she pulled out two worn, wrinkled sheets of paper that were shockingly familiar to her. She covered her mouth in surprise when she unfolded them. Two of her letters. She couldn't bring herself to read them over again, but after skimming the pages, she realized it was the first and the last letter she wrote while he was in prison. He had been reading them.

She sank down on the bed, the papers clenched in her hands. She didn't need to read either to remember what she had said to him. She had read and re-read each one about a million times before she sent them in the first place. She cringed a little, remember everything she had written in that last letter. It had been harsh and mean, and she wondered why he kept that one.

Folding them up again, she went back to the dresser and dug through all the clothes, looking for the other letters. She came up with nothing. She tucked the papers back in the bottom of the drawer and slowly headed for the door.

XXX

Dally realized as he turned off the water that he had just left Ellie alone to do whatever she wanted in his room which meant she was either snooping or making small talk with his uncle. He got dressed as quick as he could and tossed the towel onto the rack. By the time he made it into the kitchen, Lane was going on and on.

"I've been told my scrambled eggs are excellent," he was saying, putting a plateful in front of Ellie. She was wearing her slip and one of his flannel shirts with the bottom tied into a knot so it would fit her. Lane glanced up. "There he is."

Ellie glanced back and gave him a sheepish smile.

"Guessing you two already met," he said, going over to the counter.

Lane passed him his own plate filled with eggs. "Sure, we go back a whole ten minutes or so. Have a seat."

Dally grabbed a fork and sat down at the table. Ellie was looking at him, but he kept his eyes on his food. He finally glanced up at Lane who seemed to get the hint.

"You two enjoy. I'll see if I can find anything in the attic for you to wear while you're here, Ellie. I saved a box of my wife's things after she passed. We might be able to find something a little better than that."

"Thank you. And thanks for breakfast."

He smiled at her and nodded at Dally before he headed off.

They ate in awkward silence with Dally mostly ignoring her. It seemed like there wasn't much to say after more than two years apart and a night together.

She kept fidgeting until he finally looked at her. "Your uncle seems really nice."

"He's all right," Dally agreed.

"He says you've got a real knack for horses."

"Yeah, I guess I do."

She sat there, staring at her breakfast without eating for a long while. He finished his plate and took it to the sink. She had her back to him, but he studied her. Her hair still had a little bit of curl left in it from how she had fixed it up for her prom, but it was disheveled from sleeping on it.

"You call home yet? Let 'em know where you are?"

She turned around to face him. "No. Like I said, I don't think anyone's too worried."

He nodded before he pointed into the living room. "If you change your mind, there's the phone. I gotta take care of the horses."

He could feel her staring after him as he walked outside.

XXX

Allison kissed him on the cheek as she finished fixing up her hair. "Are you going to be okay?"

He nodded curtly. "Sure."

"If you need my mom to watch Lizzie today, just call her. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"No, we'll be fine."

She grabbed her purse and kissed him on the lips. "If you say so. Love you."

"Love you too," he replied as Allison stooped to kiss Lizzie on the head where she was playing dolls in the living room.

She was out the door in a flash, and Darry sat down in the kitchen, half watching Lizzie, and half in a whole different world. He wasn't sure where Pony had gone to that morning, but he was sort of glad the kid had made himself scarce because Darry wasn't sure what to say to him.

Of course he was happy for his brother. As a matter of fact, he was damn proud of him. It was New York, after all. And the kid had made sure he did it all on his own, too. But it stung that Pony had kept it all such a secret. He hadn't even told Soda before he left. There was no reason for him to keep it to himself. He said it wasn't because he was afraid of how Darry would react, but he couldn't figure any other reason he didn't tell him sooner. He sure would have been a whole lot happier if he knew about his brother's decisions more than a couple months before the kid would be leaving.

He snapped out of his thoughts when the front door opened and slammed again. Two-Bit walked through the living room and ruffled Lizzie's hair. She swatted him away with one of her dolls.

"Hey, Dar."

"Hey."

"I was going to come over here and see if you heard, but from the way you look, I guess you did."

Darry took a drink of his coffee before he said anything. "Heard about what?"

"I guess Ellie ran off with Dally last night during the dance. Real dime-store, romance novel-like."

"Yeah, I heard about that."

"Pony told you?"

He nodded. "How'd you hear about it?"

"Are you kidding me?" Two-Bit pointed to himself. "This is me we're talking about. I just know this stuff."

"Yeah?"

"'Course. I know everything there is to know about everybody around here."

"So you must have known about Pony and New York."

Two-Bit cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "About who and what?"

"You didn't know that Pony has decided to go to NYU in the fall?"

He let out a low whistle. "Wow. That I did not know about. When did he decide something crazy like that?"

Darry shrugged. "I don't know. A few months ago. He's got it all planned out. He's gonna work his way through, get it all paid for himself and with his scholarships."

"And you just found out about this? Why didn't he tell you sooner?"

"Something about feeling bad that Soda was leaving and that he would be too. He was upset about Ellie, and he let it slip last night what his plans were."

"Was he ever planning on actually telling you before that?"

"Not that I know of. Seems like he was hoping I just wouldn't notice he was gone or something. You know Pony. He doesn't think everything through all the time."

"It sounds like he thought this through, though. Most of the way, anyhow."

"I just don't know why he wouldn't tell me sooner."

The front door opened again, and Pony walked in. Two-Bit shuffled his feet a little before he nodded at Darry. "I gotta get to work. Let me know if you hear anything from El. You have fun at the dance last night, Pone?"

Darry watched Pony's face stiffen when Two-Bit mentioned Ellie. "Not really."

Two-Bit glanced at Darry and back at Pony. "All right, then. I'll see you guys later." He ruffled Lizzie's hair again as he walked to the front door. "Bye, little lady."

The door slammed behind him, and Pony looked at Darry. "I guess Ellie and Dally are the talk of the town now."

"At least in the circles where Two-Bit gets his information," Darry replied. "Where'd you go so early this morning?"

"Couldn't sleep, so I just went for a walk."

"Have you talked to Wade?"

Pony shook his head as he came into the kitchen and poured himself some cereal. "I don't think he's gonna want to talk to anybody. I'll talk to him at school."

Darry waited until the kid sat down at the table beside him and started eating before he said anything else. "When were you actually going to tell me about New York? At your graduation? After that?"

He seemed to have a hard time swallowing the bite of cereal, and he took a gulp of water before he answered. "I don't know, Darry. It's not always easy to tell you stuff, you know."

"I just wish you could have let me know sooner."

"I know you're mad at me, but – "

"I'm not mad at you. Not really, anyway. I'm really proud of you for working this hard to get somewhere like that. I guess I would have just been happier for you if you told me when you had been accepted. I know Soda would have been happy to hear about it, too."

Pony started to say something, but Darry stood up and put his cup of coffee in the sink. "Lizzie, you wanna go to the park?"

"Yeah!" she replied, already on her feet with her dolls in hand.

By the time Darry grabbed his car keys, he heard Pony's bedroom door close.

XXX

The First Lady was as tense as he was when he led her out to the pasture. He sat up tall in the saddle and walked her around for a bit, letting her warm up before he started trotting her around. Honest to God, he missed the damn rodeos he rode in and had even started training her for barrel racing, except he moved her a lot slower than he would have one of Buck's horses. He wasn't aiming to kill another horse because he was careless with her.

The barrels were imaginary, but he always kept them in the same spots in his mind, racing her back and forth and around until he knew she couldn't take anymore. The mare was not a rodeo horse by any stretch of the imagination, but she would do for this type of practice.

"One more," he told her, clicking his tongue and digging his heels into her flanks. She took off, and he moved her around the invisible barrel, then he slowed her down again. She walked around and Dally happened to look up to find Ellie leaning against the gate closest to the barn.

For a minute, he just watched her there, unsure of what he would do. It was another invasion for her to be standing there, watching him when he thought no one was. Her being there broke down nearly every defense he had created. He was kicking himself a little bit, but it was his own fault.

Clicking his tongue, he moved the First Lady toward the fence and looked down at Ellie. She was wearing some hand-me-down dress Lane must have found somewhere.

"You look good out there," she said.

He almost told her how much time he had to get good at it, but he didn't. Instead he looked forward and out at the open country. Quickly, he hopped down and went to work removing the saddle. He set it on the rail of the fence and hopped back on.

"Come on," he said.

Ellie's eyes went big and she shook her head. "I don't think so."

"What are you afraid of? Get up here." But he knew exactly what she was afraid of. Ellie was a coward when it came to horses, carnival rides and haunted houses, but it sure was fun getting her into any of them.

She stood there another few seconds, digging for excuses, but she finally started climbing up the rails of the gate. The oversized boots on her feet kept her from going more than one rung and she dropped back down.

"Leave 'em," he told her.

With only another second's hesitation, she stepped out of one and then the other as she climbed up the rails. Dally kept her steady as she climbed onto the horse and sat right behind him.

"Hold on," he told her.

Her arms wrapped around his middle and her chin rested on his shoulder. "Don't go too fast, okay?"

"Sure," he said, letting a smirk cross his lips. Digging his heels in he started her for the far gate and stopped her so he could drop down and open it. Expertly, he climbed back up and started out of the fenced in pasture. He almost pointed out to Ellie that he had rebuilt most of the damn thing himself, but he didn't.

Once they were out a little ways, he kicked into the First Lady's sides a little more and she took off at an even trot. Ellie squealed into his ear and tightened her grip around him. He waited until she started to relax, and he forced the horse into a gallop.

"Dallas Winston!" she shrieked into his ear. "Stop it right now!"

She buried her face between his shoulder blades and didn't lighten up on her grip until he stopped her completely.

"You're so mean," she said, and he smirked.

"I thought that was why you liked me," he said, loosening Ellie's grasp so he could get down and then help her down. She stood there and looked around. They weren't far from Lane's, just down a hill a little ways where a little stream meandered through the area. A few trees and shrubs hung around the water and Dally took the reins and tied the Lady up where she could drink from the stream.

He moved back a little way and lay back in the shade. Ellie's back was to him, her feet in the slow moving water up to her shins and she was looking out at the open country. Dally evaluated her. From the girl he remembered, she was definitely different. Her hair was a lot longer and where she had always been the skinniest thing, she had filled out a little. Even with the old housewife's dress hanging off of her frame, he could see the difference. She was still small, but she looked a lot less like a girl and more like a woman. The pout she used to get her way hadn't come into play since she had been with him, but he was sure that was still there.

When she saw him sitting there, she came over, stepping carefully through the tall grass. She sat down and rested against him, pulling all of her hair to one side and looking at him expectantly.

"What?"

"You like it here, huh?" she said.

"I don't hate it."

"That says a lot, Dally," she said, looking at her hands as she played with blade of grass. "It seems like it's been good for you, too."

"It's okay."

She smiled a little and instead of saying anything else she leaned in and kissed him. It was different than the way she kissed him last night, though. The urgency he felt from her last night was gone, and in its place was a hesitancy he was familiar with from her. When she pulled away, he let her go.

"Why were you there?"

"The school?" he asked. She nodded. "Just wanted to see some things for myself."

"Like what?"

He had no idea where this was headed. It was his fault she was there with him, and even though he was kicking himself for bringing her here, he wasn't unhappy she was. The problem was admitting everything he actually felt.

"See if Darry was lyin' to me or not."

"Darry?"

"I ran into him a week or so ago. He told me you were with some guy and to back off," he told her.

She sighed heavily and looked away from him. He tapped his fingers on the back of her hand until she looked back at him. She looked pissed, and it got him a little excited. Making her mad was always his strong suit.

"He told me you were off-limits, or something like that."

"I guess I was," she said.

Dally sat up a little so he was eye level with her. He touched her cheek and kissed her, and she resisted him a little bit.

"Are you off-limits now?" he asked.

"I won't be if you come back to Tulsa," she said, kissing him back. He purposely did not answer her, mainly because he couldn't. It only took a little bit of pressure to crack her. She melted against him and he held her there, knowing it was the dumbest thing he could do. He wanted her again, but he also wanted the option to be invisible.

_It was too fast,  
>Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break,<br>When it was a promise that I could not make._

* * *

><p><em>AN: You guys are awesome. Really and truly. We also counted how many chapters it's been since Ellie saw Dally last ... 50 or so :-)  
><em>


	36. Sit There in Your Heartache

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders._ The Killers own "When You Were Young."  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>He doesn't look a thing like Jesus<br>But he talks like a gentleman  
>Like you imagined when you were young<br>_

**May 26, 1969**

When Dally tried to sneak out from under her arm in the morning, it woke Ellie up. He seemed to freeze when she lifted her head. He sank back down on the pillow and stared at the ceiling but didn't make another motion to get out of bed. For a minute she snuggled up to him and just soaked him in, knowing all of this couldn't last.

It was Monday and even though she wanted to, she couldn't stay in Windrixville any longer.

"I should probably go home today," she said, also looking at the ceiling just so she didn't have to see his face.

"Gotta get back to the boyfriend?"

She closed her eyes, hyper-aware of his body warm against hers, and she sat up, careful to keep her back to him. The one thing she couldn't talk about with him was Wade.

After a long moment of silence, she glanced over her shoulder at him. She expected a smug grin, but he just looked at her with a mostly blank expression. He almost looked bored.

"What about you?" she asked.

He sat up and found his cigarettes on the floor near the bed. He lit up with a match. "What about me?"

"Are you coming back?" She turned and faced him completely.

Dally shook out the match and dropped it on the floor. He studied her as he smoked and said, "No."

"Why not?"

"Everything I need, I got here."

She could feel herself starting to get upset. Deep down, her stomach started to hurt at the thought of him not coming home with her. She had nothing figured out. She had no idea where he would stay or what he would do, but after the whole weekend, she realized everything she had been hoping. Going home without him really wasn't an option.

"So what was this?" she asked, motioning toward herself. "What was the point of this?"

Looking at him for answers, she wondered if he was cold enough to pick her up just to see how far she would go with him. She probably lived up to his every expectation.

"I didn't ask you to come along."

"Then why were you there?" she asked, tears coming to her eyes.

No one had to tell her that she acted on behalf of her heart most of the time. It was no different two nights ago. Just the sight of Dally made her heart beat faster, and not having seen him in so long made it that much worse.

He sat there for so long without saying anything that she gave up and got out of bed. Sniffing back tears, she put the dress from his uncle on over her slip and gathered up her prom dress and tossed it on the bed.

It shouldn't have surprised her that he didn't open up and tell her why he was there, but it didn't change the fact that it still hurt. It hurt her, and it made her hurt Wade.

"It's almost been three years, you know? That's a really long time, Dally. Why can't you just talk to me? Why couldn't you have just written me a damn letter?"

Now he looked at her. The way he just sat there silently staring at her forced her to realize the edge she'd been standing on for years. Wade was the only one holding her back from it, and she had pushed him away.

"You could have sent a blank piece of paper and I would have understood."

But he just sat there looking at her. Who was this person? Why wasn't he arguing with her? Dally gave into every opportunity to pick a fight, no matter how small. As far as she was concerned, this was a pretty big deal and was silent.

"You coulda come seen me," he said finally.

Ellie opened her mouth to protest that she had, but she sealed her lips shut.

Dally went on, "But you came and saw Shepard instead."

He stared her down, and she stared right back. He would never believe her that she visited Tim on a whim. There was no way she could convince him that he was really the one she wanted to see, but she had been too scared to ask.

"Didn't think I knew about that?" he asked. "Yeah, I figured that out real quick. I still don't get it - you and Shepard."

And he never would.

"There is no me and Shepard. And I did go to see you."

"Funny, since my name ain't Tim Shepard. Or did you figure that out too late when it was his ugly mug sitting across from you instead of this one?"

His tone kept her from answering for a long while. He wasn't angry. He seemed genuinely interesting in knowing why she went all the way there to see Tim. He even had a half-hearted smirk on his face.

"I wrote you all those letters, Dally. You didn't answer one of them. You wouldn't have seen me if I went to visit you."

His expression changed and he started to answer, but she cut him off.

"Don't lie to me. You wouldn't have."

"So you just saw him instead?"

She felt her throat swell up a little bit, and she shook her head in disbelief.

"Why couldn't you have just written me a letter? Was it really that hard for you?"

Again, she got nothing from him. Just a blank stare that she was not accustomed to from him.

"You don't care, do you?" she snapped. "You used me, and I let you."

"Come here," he said quietly, but she stayed standing at the foot of the bed. "Please?"

Something in his face changed. His eyes were suddenly sympathetic and he stubbed his cigarette out on the headboard and dropped it on the floor.

"Come here, dollface."

She caved, just like she always caved, and sat on the bed in front of him. His fingers moved through her hair, brushing it to one side of her neck. He leaned in and kissed along her jaw, sending shivers down her spine. She suddenly remembered him when they were younger, when she knew she loved him.

"Please come home," she whispered.

All he did was stop, resting his head on her shoulder for a brief second and then walked out of the room.

XXX

Dally fed and watered the horse while Ellie took a shower. He figured it would be a big fight to make her go home, but she seemed ready to be on her way. It wasn't that he wanted her gone; it had actually surprised him how much he liked having her around that weekend. The thing was that he didn't know how to talk to her. Hell, he didn't know how to talk to anybody. That had always been his problem. That was why he didn't want her to stay either.

He tossed his work gloves on the porch and went back into the house. Ellie was already in the kitchen, her fancy dress piled in her arms.

"I can send this dress back with Dally," she was telling Lane.

He shook his head and gave her a smile. "Don't worry about it, honey. It's just been gathering dust in the attic."

"Thank you for everything."

"'Course."

"Ready?" Dally asked.

She slowly nodded and headed out the door.

"Hopefully we'll see you around, Ellie," Lane called after her.

Dally couldn't tell if the look on her face was a smile or a grimace as she closed the door behind her, and he frowned.

"I'm gonna run her back to Tulsa, then I'll be back."

Lane smiled a little. "She what all those Tulsa runs were about lately?"

He shook his head. "What're you getting at?"

"Kid, you ain't exactly subtle about the girls you bring around here, and it don't take a genius to notice she's the only one you ain't booted out come sun-up. That's the one, huh?"

He scoffed a little. The old man always thought he was so damn smart. "Be back in a few hours."

XXX

Ellie was quiet for a long time, her dress still bundled in her arms. Going back to Tulsa meant she was going to have to deal with everything that happened Saturday night. She was going to have to actually face all those things she had forced herself not to think about. The idea of even seeing Wade tied her stomach in knots until she thought she was going to be sick.

"Why won't you come back home?" she blurted.

"How many times are you gonna ask me the same damn question?" he finally responded.

"Until I get a straight answer."

He just shook his head. She should have known she'd never get a direct answer out of him. Maybe years ago, before everything went to hell, she could have annoyed him enough until he finally told her something, but now was different.

"You need to stop the car," she said suddenly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Stop. Pull over. I need to get out."

"Are you sick or something?"

"Just pull over or I'm gonna scream."

That seemed to do the trick. Dally slowed down and pulled the truck over to the shoulder of the country road, kicking up dust and rocks. They had barely stopped moving when Ellie threw her prom dress to the floor of the truck and climbed out.

"What the hell's going on?" Dally muttered, meeting her at the front of the truck.

Ellie had spent at least two years crying over him because she didn't know where he was, and she had stupidly told herself that she wasn't going to cry now that he was standing right in front of her. She couldn't help it anymore.

"How can you act like nothing happened?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Everything! Johnny, robbing that store, getting shot. Are you just going to ignore that all of that happened?"

His face stiffened. "Sure. You should too."

She wiped at the tears on her cheeks, angrier than she remembered ever being. "No. I'm not ignoring it anymore. Do you remember anything from that night? Because I do. I remember every bit of it."

"There ain't much to remember, dollface. Johnny died. I didn't. That's all there is to it."

"No it isn't," she snapped. "Do you remember pointing that gun in my face? Do you remember calling your friends to come help you out? We were there. We were right there when you pulled out that gun and got yourself shot to hell. Why'd you even call? Did you just want an audience or something? Because you sure as hell got one."

He reached for her, and she put up her hands to stop him.

"I want an answer."

"Don't know what to tell you, sweetheart. I ain't got one."

He closed the distance between them in one step. She tried to shove him away, but he didn't budge.

"You have to come home. Your friends are there."

There was a smirk on his face, a shadow of the old Dally she knew so well. "From my conversation with Darry, it didn't sound like I got too many friends left."

"He didn't know what he was talking about."

"So you're telling me everything's the way it was when I left?"

His smirk turned to a scowl, and part of her was so happy to have that old Dally back, standing right in front of her.

"Yeah," she lied.

"Soda and Steve ain't headed for Vietnam? Nothing like that?"

She sniffed back tears but didn't answer him.

"It's just like Johnny, you know. Everybody leaves, everybody dies. It's just what happens."

It dawned on her that he was afraid.

"But I'm not going anywhere."

He smirked again, and he was that new Dally, the one she didn't know anymore. "Yet."

"How can you stand there and say that? You did the same exact thing to all of us. You left, and I didn't know if you were dead or alive."

"I'm here, ain't I?"

She fought back a sob. "For how long?"

He had a smug look on his face. "Didn't you hear, baby? I'm invincible."

Suddenly, she remembered what Tim told her when she saw him in prison back in the fall. _Let's just say, I don't think he's good with the fact that he didn't die that night._ Something told her he knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Take me home," she whispered, trying not to cry but the tears fell anyway. She didn't want to hear anything about the things Dally had done to figure out he was so invincible. "Just take me home."

He got back into the truck without a word, and she did the same. She picked her wrinkled dress back up and held onto it like it were a lifeline until they were parked in front of her house.

She had some grand illusions when she was getting ready back in Windrixville. She imagined Dally grabbing his few belongings out of that old farmhouse, tossing them in the truck, and coming back to Tulsa to stay. She imagined him saying he missed her, he was sorry to be gone for so long, he loved her. She imagined so many things, but the only thing she saw when she got out of that truck were the taillights.

XXX

When Darry got home from work, the last person he expected to see was Ellie sitting alone on the front porch steps. They made eye contact, but she didn't say anything when he said hey. She barely acknowledged him when he sat down beside her.

"When did you get back?" he asked.

"Little while ago," she said. "I came over looking for Pony, I guess."

Something told him she was probably pretty happy she didn't find him. Pony was still real sore about prom night and judging by her body language, she was feeling pretty bad too.

"He's working."

"I figured."

He debated whether or not to say anything, wondering if it really was any of his business. He had made it his, though, when Dally came around, and he told him to stay away.

"What happened?"

For the first time she really looked at him, almost gauging him. "I went with him, and he brought me back."

Darry crept carefully around his questions.

"And he didn't stay?"

"No."

"What happens now?"

She shook her head. "What does that even mean?"

"He's not coming back, is he?"

Ellie winced like she received a physical blow, and she gave him a look from the corners of her eyes he knew he should be scared of.

"How come you didn't tell me you saw him?"

With a sigh, he said, "What good would that have done?"

"I don't know. Maybe if you would have told me he was okay and somewhere close, I could have quit worrying about whether or not he was alive."

It never would have made a difference if he would have told her, Darry knew that. For all he was concerned, it would have just lit some fire under her to go to Windrixville to seek him out.

"I didn't think about that, all I know about you and him is that I've watched you fall completely apart over him for no reason and –"

She cut him off, her ponytail swinging with how sharply she turned to face him.

"No reason? You weren't there when Johnny died. You have no idea what it was like to watch him go to pieces like that and have no way to stop him."

"No, but I saw the rest," he shot back. Part of him felt like he was dealing with Pony, trying to talk sense into someone that just wasn't interested. "And all the stupid things he did? I saw what they did to you. He was gone but the rest of us watched you do some pretty dumb things because of him anyway."

Now she wouldn't look at him. Her jaw was set firmly and her lips were pursed.

"I ain't aiming to chase you down when he decides to get himself shot up again, Ellie. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you ran faster than me. Doing all that once is all I'm ever gonna do."

Darry studied his own hands and tried to not remember the way everything felt when Dally nearly got himself killed. Her elbows were propped on her knees and her forehead in her hands. Gently, he set his hand on her shoulder just for her to shrug it off.

"Have you talked to Wade yet?"

The sharpness in her voice was gone when she said, "What makes you think he's ever going to want to talk to me again?"

"You should try anyway. That boy's the best thing that's happened to you in a long time."

"Thanks for noticing how much I screw up."

"I didn't mean it like that, El. You can't deny that Wade is really good for you. I think he makes you happy."

"I'm not going to get him back."

"Because he won't, or because you don't want him to?"

She didn't answer him. Instead, she stood up and walked down to the yard and looked back up at him.

"I don't know what I want anymore."

Turning away, she headed to the gate, but Darry stopped her before she went out.

"Is Dally coming back?"

"I doubt it."

Darry went down to the gate and stopped her from leaving. He shut it and put a hand on her arm.

"It's not your job to make sure he's okay. He's capable of making his own choices about where he goes in life. You don't have to babysit him. I just don't want to see you end up like your mom. You deserve a chance to be happy."

She stepped back so she was out of his grasp and walked out to the sidewalk, slamming the gate behind her. "But Dally doesn't?"

Without another word, she crossed the street and headed toward home. Darry let out a sigh and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he watched her go. There wasn't much he could say to her, and even less he could say to help her make up her mind. It drove him nuts how much she punished herself. He wondered if she had the ability to let him go, even after all this.

XXX

Ellie walked into her empty living room and sat down on the couch beside the phone. Danny had been excited to see her when she got home earlier, but her mom hadn't said a word. Ellie wasn't even sure she noticed she hadn't been home the last couple of days. She was dreading to see Jimmy because he had most likely known from the get-go she wasn't there if Danny had cried at all. She was going to get an earful, and a lecture from Darry was all she could handle for one day.

She sat with her hand on the phone for a long time before she picked it up. Dally would have been back in Windrixville by now, but she realized she didn't even know the phone number. She considered connecting to the operator to figure it out before finally putting the receiver back down.

She had tossed just about every bit of progress she made in the last two and a half years down the drain in two and a half seconds, all for a boy she didn't know anymore. And now she wasn't sure she even wanted to talk to him again.

XXX

It was well past midnight, but Dally still lay awake staring at the ceiling. Two creased letters were in his hand and the scent of Ellie's perfume still on the pillow beside him.

Even though it was dark, he unfolded the first letter and squinted to read the words he mostly knew by heart. The last line was always the one that got him. _I miss you a lot, and you still owe me a night out. You made me promise. _She would remember something like that, something from a lifetime ago, back when he made her promise not to make any plans because they had some catching up to do since he had just gotten out of the cooler. Something that was tainted by Windrixville and a fire and Johnny dying. She would still hold on to something like that.

Carefully, he folded the letter and set it aside with the last one, and lay there breathing in her soft scent until he couldn't smell it anymore. It was stupid to go to Tulsa and seek her out. It was even dumber to bring her all the way to his uncle's farm. It was down right idiotic to bring her so close to him and expect to not miss her. Idiotic and impossible.

_We're burning down the highway skylines  
>On the back of a hurricane that started turning<br>When you were young._


	37. Leave the Wound Wide Open

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. The Horrible Crowes own "Ladykiller."**

* * *

><p><em>And you must've met a man<br>Tall and handsome at that  
>Who must<em>_'ve put a spell on you, baby  
>Must've kept coming back<br>_

Pony looked around the hallways for Wade the Monday after prom, but never spotted him, even at lunch. He called him when he got home from school, feeling guilty he hadn't called sooner, but his mom said he was busy. Pony hung up the phone, remembering that it was Ellie's fault any of this had happened, and he had nothing to feel guilty about other than the fact that he hadn't warned Wade about her.

He only knew she was back from Windrixville because Darry told him she had stopped by. He only rolled his eyes and walked into his room, surprised she had come back at all. He knew she was their friend, and he should try to understand, but he just couldn't. Anything that involved that girl and Dallas Winston was something he didn't even want to understand. She was known for doing stupid things for that hood, but walking out on Wade at their prom was the lowest thing she could have done. He didn't care if she felt bad about it, either. She needed to feel bad about the stupid things she did.

When he saw her between classes the next day, he turned the other direction, taking a longer route to class that ended up making him late, but he didn't care. The last person he wanted to talk to was Ellie. It couldn't last forever, he knew that much, but he figured he could make it last as long as possible.

He nearly ran right into her when he was walking out the front doors to go to lunch. It seemed to surprise her just as much, but by the time she called his name, he was already outside. He acted like he didn't hear her, and she didn't follow him.

XXX

Ellie considered skipping school another day, but she knew from experience that the longer she avoided everyone, the harder it would be. It turned out to be even worse than she expected because Wade wasn't even there. She tried to talk to Pony, but he flat-out ignored her.

People stared at her in the hallways. Not a lot of people, but enough for her to realize she was the subject of gossip at Will Rogers. She was used to that, but usually it was because of who her friends were. Now it was because she was the girl that left Wade Wilson at the prom. She noticed one girl in particular that she remembered from the bowling alley. Sheryl something. She remembered her mostly because she had been flirting with Wade. Sheryl stared after her the longest, and Ellie could practically see her planning on winning him over. She suddenly realized that that girl probably wasn't the only one. Wade wasn't the most popular guy at school or anything, but he had a lot of friends and, now she noticed, plenty of admirers. Those girls staring at her thought she was an idiot for what she had done, and she couldn't exactly disagree.

After school let out, she wandered around town. She knew where she needed to go; it just took a long time for her to realize how much she didn't want to go.

Finally, after agonizing over it for at least an hour, she walked to Wade's house. She rang the door bell and waited, a knot welling in her stomach that was threatening to make her sick. After the longest minute of her life, she finally took a deep breath and walked back down the steps away from his door. She had almost reached the sidewalk when she heard the door swing open.

"Ellie?"

She turned around to see Wade's mother at the door. She tried to say something but nothing would come out. She cleared her throat and walked back up to the house.

"I came to talk to Wade."

"He isn't here right now." Mrs. Wilson, who had always been so friendly and welcoming to her, looked stern and unforgiving. Her lips were in a tight line, and Ellie didn't want to know what she was thinking.

"I just thought, since he wasn't at school …"

"He didn't feel like going. He's down at the church with his father."

"Could you tell him that I'm so– "

"I'm afraid you'll have to tell him yourself."

Ellie nodded before she turned away, unable to come up with anything else to say.

"You know, Ellie," Mrs. Wilson called after her, "I'm not sure what happened this weekend because Wade wouldn't talk about it, but you should he's hurt pretty bad by whatever it was."

She couldn't bring herself to face his mother again. She just kept walking, unsure of how she was going to bring herself to face Wade.

XXX

Ellie had considered walking back home, and almost did, until she realized Mrs. Wilson would probably mention that she stopped by. When Wade realized she had deliberately avoided apologizing to him, he would just see it as another betrayal, and she had betrayed him too many times already.

When she approached the church, she found that it wasn't just Wade and his father. There were a handful of people out in the church hard, landscaping and planting flowers.

She spotted Wade easily enough, even with his back to her and his cowboy hat on the ground beside him. She wasn't sure she could go through with her apology, but once a couple of the church people noticed her standing there, she didn't really have much of a choice.

He was raking up a dried up flowerbed when she walked up to him.

"Wade?"

He froze for a brief moment before he kept working, and she thought he was going to ignore her like Pony had ignored her. She could feel her cheeks turning red as the other people tried to watch them without actually watching them.

Wade finally leaned the rake against the side of the church building and turned around to face her.

"What do you want?"

He just wasn't the same person when he wasn't wearing his hat and a grin.

"I just wanted to talk," she said.

That wasn't exactly true, though. What she wanted was for him to tell her it was all okay. That she had a lapse of judgment but he loved her and forgave her.

He stared down at her, an unforgiving look on his face, not unlike the look his mother was wearing earlier.

"So talk."

In the entire time she had known Wade, he had never been short with her. He had always been kind and patient even when she hadn't been so kind and patient with him. The clipped words he was using with her now made her tongue twisted.

When she didn't immediately start talking, he wiped sweat from his brow and reached for his rake again.

"You weren't at school today."

He didn't turn back to her. "Yeah. So?"

"You never skip school."

"You do it all the time. What's the big deal?"

It was a big deal because it was something Wade never would have thought about doing before she did what she did, but she kept that to herself.

"I'm sorry," she finally said.

He dropped the rake and let it hit the brick wall again. "For what?"

"What?" she asked, confused.

"You're so intent on apologizing. You might as well tell me what you're apologizing for."

She swallowed hard and couldn't look at him when she said, "For leaving."

"No," he said, a bitter smile tugging at his lips. It was a smile for somebody like Dally, maybe even Tim, but not for Wade. "No, you can do better than that."

"For leaving with Dally."

"Are you actually sorry you left with him? Or are you just apologizing because that's the right thing to do?"

She stuttered and stammered and still couldn't get any words out before he cut her off.

"That's what I thought. I don't want your apology if you don't really mean it." He started to turn back to his work but spun back toward her. "Actually, I don't want your apology even if you do."

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to."

"Maybe you didn't mean to, but that don't change what happened. Why'd you just leave like that?"

"I don't know. I'm not used to this kind of thing."

"What? Ditching your boyfriend at prom?"

"Having a date that would care that I left."

"Is that supposed to make me feel sorry for you?"

She looked down at Wade's cowboy hat sitting on the ground. She was more embarrassed than she remembered ever being before.

"Because you know what, Ellie? I do feel sorry for you. I feel real sorry for you."

She didn't say anything because it wouldn't have mattered what she did say. He wouldn't believe any apology she could muster up, and she couldn't blame him for it either.

"Did you sleep with him?"

The question caught her off guard, and she glanced around to see if everyone else was listening to their conversation. To their credit, the church volunteers acted like they weren't.

She couldn't even bring herself to answer him. It was impossible for her to explain to him what Dally meant to her. How it was so easy for her to just drop everything just because he showed up. He couldn't possibly understand what seeing him shot and then disappear had done to her.

"It's okay," he said. "You don't even need to say anything."

"You knew," she said, finally getting up the nerve to look at him again. "You knew about him and me."

"Is that your excuse? Just because you two have some sort of messed up history that doesn't make any sense, that makes this okay? I may have known about you and him, but I know about us too. I know that I loved you. And that didn't mean a thing to you."

That wasn't true, though. It meant a lot she didn't understand at the time. It actually meant so much more when Dally refused to come home with her.

"That's not true," she said but it only came out as a whisper. She felt completely leveled under his accusing glare.

"Don't think I didn't notice how you never told me that you loved me too. I knew you didn't, but that didn't change how I felt about you. Not until this weekend anyway. Is he back in Tulsa for good now?"

She shook her head. "I don't think he's coming back."

He had that bitter smirk on his face again. "All this just for a couple days with him?"

She had to swallow back tears as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Can you tell me the truth about something, though? And I mean it, I want an honest answer out of you for once. What if I said we could go back to the way things were before he showed back up? Would you stay with me even if he came back to town?"

She knew the smart decision was to hold onto Wade for dear life. He had a future. She had a future with him. He was safe, and he had loved her at one point. Dally offered her nothing.

He took in her silence and nodded a little. "Yeah. That's what I thought."

"But we can't go back to the way things were," she said.

"Yeah, I know." He wiped at his face again, wicking the sweat away. "Tell me something else, Ellie. Were you just biding your time with me until he came back?"

"No," she said, although she didn't know how to convince him. "I just never thought he'd come back."

The cloud that came over Wade's face told her that was the wrong answer, and she immediately regretted saying it.

"Goddamn it, Ellie." He didn't quite yell it, but it was loud enough that she jumped, and the few people around them didn't hide their interest in their conversation anymore. She had never heard him swear before. "I can't believe you had the nerve to come here. Just go. Just leave me alone."

For a few seconds more she stood there staring at him. The world blurred as her eyes brimmed with tears. She turned away before he could see them spill over. She got away from the church as fast as she could.

XXX

There was a knock at the door, and Two-Bit leapt off of his bedroom floor and ran for the door. Carolyn said she might stop by and Two-Bit was looking for an excuse to stop cleaning up the junk in his room and boxing it up. The idea of moving was a great one in theory; the reality was unbearable.

Instead of Carolyn at his doorstep, he found a somber looking Ellie standing there. He didn't even know she was back yet.

"Hey, El."

"Hey, Two-Bit. Are you busy?"

"For you? Never," he said, standing aside and ushering her in. He was about to lead her to the living room, but Lucy came in from the kitchen with a giant bowl of ice cream and sat down in front of the TV. He steered her to his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

"I didn't know you were back," he said, sitting back on the floor where he was before. He was going through a pile of junk from under his bed. Ellie slid a few things out of the way and sat down across from him. She looked upset and he realized that for whatever was coming, she usually would have gone to Steve to work it out. He tried to think like Steve, but he couldn't bring himself to be that moody.

"I got back Monday."

"Oh," he said. "Everything okay?"

"No."

"What happened?"

"Everything was fine at first, but then he was just so different. I felt like I knew him and didn't know him all at the same time. When it came time to leave, he said he wasn't going to come back."

Anger filled his chest, but he kept it down. Looking at her now and thinking about what probably went on in Windrixville had Two-Bit thinking that Dally just plain used her.

"I'm sorry, kiddo."

"You were so right about him. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I don't even know if he was different in a good way or a bad way."

"Did he say why he wasn't coming back?"

She shrugged but didn't look at him. "It's because of Johnny."

"He talked about Johnny?" Two-Bit asked in amazement. Dally hardly talked about anything in jail.

"Not really, just enough to mention why he wouldn't come home."

Now he was confused.

"He won't come back because of Johnny?"

She started to say something a couple of times, but stopped herself. Finally, she said, "I think he feels like anyone can just die like that."

And then the waters cleared. Two-Bit felt chills. "And we know how he handles stuff like that."

"I know."

"He's scared to come home."

She nodded and said, "I think so. I kept feeling like I was intruding there. Like he didn't want me to be there even though he brought me."

"At least you know where he is, you know? You can go there and see him. Maybe he'll come around and move back here."

Even as he said it, he wasn't sure he should. Sitting in front of him was a girl who looked like she'd been through hell and back.

"He may as well now."

She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"Wade?" he asked.

A couple of tears spilled over and she wiped at her cheeks. "He's so mad at me. I didn't even know he could be the way he is now."

Two-Bit moved over so he was sitting beside her and put an arm around her. It wasn't her best move to take off with Dally and ditch Wade at prom, but it was already in the history books.

"I broke him."

"You didn't break him."

"I did. You have no idea how sweet he was, and now he'll move on hating me and thinking every girl is just as awful as me."

"First of all, you're not awful. Second, it doesn't have to end like that if you don't want it to. You just need to choose who you want to work on – Dally or Wade."

All she did was shake her head. He had no idea which one was hers, which one she wanted. Which one she loved. He thought maybe part of her believed she couldn't abandon Dally, and the other part really had grown to love Wade. So much of him still rooted for his buddy, and if Ellie chose him, he would stay in her corner. The problem was he was starting to realize what Wade really meant to her. Wade was exactly what Darry and everyone else already knew and rooted for. Wade was a good kid and exactly what she needed.

"I don't think there's much to work with no matter who I pick." She leaned into him. "Why do I always make the dumbest decisions?"

He rested his head against hers. "Everybody makes dumb decisions. Hell, I should be the poster boy of dumb decisions. It'll be okay, though. It isn't the end of the world."

She nodded, but he wasn't sure she believed him.

XXX

The longer he worked on his hands and knees after she left, the more pressure he felt escaping. He had literally spent hours feeling like the whole damn thing was his fault. Maybe if he had stood up to Dallas Winston or not let her dance with Pony, she never would have left. There was always something he could have done to make her have stayed.

But as Wade worked in the dirt and sweat under the early summer sun, he started to realize that he had already done everything he ever could have. He paid attention to her, bought her things, told her that he loved her. And agonizingly waited on her. Everyday had seemed like a struggle for her attention, and now he was trying to figure out exactly why he had done that. Why on earth had he cared about a girl who only cared about herself and some hoodlum that wouldn't even acknowledge her?

It still hurt. It made him angrier than he had ever been, but he would use that to remind himself to never let anyone steal his heart like that ever again.

_'Cause I can smell him in your skin  
>I bet I taste him in your blood<br>Must be all the young boys, baby  
>Ladykiller got the two of us.<em>


	38. Oh, This Heart I Had

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Out_**_**siders**_**. The Horrible Crowes owns "I Witnessed a Crime."**

* * *

><p><em>I guess the moon, it had it out for us<br>And the night and the stars, the same  
>Everything she touched turned to stone or died eventually<br>Or was never seen the same again_

**May 31, 1969  
><strong>

Ellie stood awkwardly outside of the school, trying to spot Two-Bit or Darry. All of the graduates were already gathering inside, and the whole place was milling with families. She hadn't technically been invited, and she hadn't talked to Pony in days, but they had been friends for long enough that once this fight blew over, she would regret not going to see him get his diploma.

She was leaning on the railing at the top of the stairs at the school's main entrance, trying to find anyone she knew. She froze when she spotted Wade walking up the steps right in front of her. He was in nice slacks and a dress shirt and looked even more handsome than she remembered. Her stomach knotted and flipped at the thought of him heading up those steps to talk to her. She didn't even realize that was what she wanted to happen the most until the idea snuck up on her.

She smiled a little at him as he walked by, but he didn't even glance her way. Her heart sank, and she watched him go into the building with everyone else. Of course he wasn't there to see her. Wade had plenty of friends that were graduating between his church and the track team, although she wasn't sure Pony was still considered one of them.

Feeling herself deflate, she considered just going home. She wasn't in the mood to watch everyone be happy and celebrate the fact that their lives were just starting when she had just messed up any future she had.

"Hey, El!"

She turned back to see Two-Bit and Carolyn heading up the stairs hand-in-hand.

"I wasn't sure you'd be here," he said when they reached her.

"Yeah," she mumbled. "I don't know if I should be."

"Of course you should," Carolyn said, letting go of Two-Bit to throw her arm around Ellie's shoulder. "I'm going to need help making Two-Bit keep his comments to himself through this whole ceremony."

He pretended to be wounded. "What comments?"

Carolyn just frowned. "You know exactly what kind of comments you make during serious situations."

"Oh, shoot, this ain't a serious situation. It's just a bunch of kids graduating high school. _I_ almost did that!"

Carolyn turned to Ellie, the look on her face one she definitely picked up from spending too much time with Two-Bit. "You see what I have to put up with."

Even Ellie couldn't stay too upset with the both of them around. "I know exactly what you have to put up with."

"And now I'm going to have to listen to the two of you pick on me the whole time? That's not fair. One of you is enough. Not both of you."

"Then I'm going to hand the reins over to Ellie." Carolyn leaned into Two-Bit and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll save all my picking on you for when we move in together."

"When is that?" Ellie asked.

"We've got the keys," Two-Bit said, fishing them out of his pocket. "Just gotta move everything."

"Oh, Ellie, you should hear my momma about all this, about us livin' in sin. Says she can't believe I waited this long to move in with some guy."

Ellie smiled. "So how long will you be living in sin before you get married?"

Two-Bit seemed to blanch, and Carolyn prodded him in the ribs. "I'm not making him sign a contract. Yet." He pretended to wick away sweat from his forehead, and she nudged him again. "But you don't have to look so relieved."

"Where's Darry and Allison?"

"We stopped by the house before we came, but they were running late. I think Darry's finally realizing it's harder living with females than just his brothers. He wanted us to find some good seats for them."

"Do you think he'll mind me sitting with you guys?"

"Don't be crazy, El. Of course not."

She shrugged. "I think he's mad at me about everything that happened. Maybe not as mad as Pony, but mad enough."

"Then he'll just have to get over it," Carolyn said, matter-of-factly. "Let's go before all the good seats are taken."

XXX

Darry, Allison and Lizzie joined the three of them a little while later. He seemed genuinely happy to see Ellie was there, which made her feel better. He also seemed distracted by the crowd around them and straightening his tie.

Allison was sitting beside her, and Ellie leaned over. "Is he okay?"

"He's nervous," she said with a smile. "You should have seen him fussing over Pony this morning, helping him fix his tie and ironing his shirt for him. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen."

Ellie smiled and settled back in her seat. She could only imagine how proud Darry was of his brother, and how that pride could only be accompanied by sadness because their parents weren't there to see any of it. Maybe even a lot of it having to do with the fact Pony was really going to college. Something she knew Darry wanted so badly for himself. No one had said much to her about him going so far away.

She zoned out during the speeches. She had been scanning the crowds around them for some reason she couldn't figure out until her eyes landed on Wade. He was on the other side of the gymnasium, and she couldn't take her eyes off him. It had been a relief for school to be over so she didn't have to see him avoid her anymore, but the thought of spending the next year in the same school as him scared her. She couldn't stand the thought of him hating her even though she deserved it. Wade just wasn't the type of person to hate anyone, and yet she brought that out in him.

Suddenly the only person she could think about was Dallas. With Two-Bit and Darry there, and the boys coming home from boot camp in the following days, it would feel like the gang was back together.

When Principal Greene called Pony's name, everyone sitting beside her burst into hoots and hollers even though the audience was asked to hold their applause until the end. There was a fair amount of cheering all throughout the place, and Ellie realized how popular Pony really was, even if it all went back to the Soc/Greaser war from so long ago.

She stood with her friends, applauding for him, and decided when she got home, she would call Dally. It was only right to tell him Soda and Steve would be home again, and a party with the whole gang wouldn't be the same without him.

XXX

Steve and Soda were due home in a couple of days and Ellie could not wait. She was scared to death for Steve to find out about her and Dally, but she needed them both in her life again, even if it was only going to be for two weeks.

She did her best to try and look and feel normal so that they wouldn't immediately get off the bus and zero in on her problems. Not when they all needed to focus on the two of them, and Pony was really the one deserving attention. She still wasn't happy about him going off to New York for school, but she had lost enough in the last few weeks to try and act happy for him. The more she pretended, the more she realized she actually was really happy for him. Maybe that way he would come around and talk to her again.

When it was getting dark, Ellie pulled the phone into the kitchen and stared at it for a while. She thought long and hard about calling Dally since the early afternoon, but she kept holding herself back. After staring at the phone for almost ten minutes, she finally picked it up and had the operator connect her to Lane's house in Windrixville.

XXX

Dally was working by the light of the moon and the few yellow bulbs that gave light from the porch as he sorted through the last pile of wood for the fence. He heard the phone ring inside, followed by Lane stepping out onto the porch and calling down to him.

"Phone's for you."

"Take a message," Dally called back, never looking up at him.

"It's Ellie."

This time, Dally didn't answer him at all. He kept at the wood pile and tried to ignore it all. He couldn't deal with it.

He heard Lane step off the porch and walk through the gravel until he was right behind him.

"I said that the phone was for you," he said.

Dally whirled around and glared at the old man.

"I told you to take a message."

"Boy, the last thing I'm going to do for you is help you hurt that little girl anymore than I can imagine you already have. Get in there and at the very least tell her hello."

It took all of ten seconds for Dally to give in. He tossed a board aside and made his way inside to the kitchen where the receiver was resting on the table. He picked it up and put it to his ear.

"Yeah."

"Hey, Dal."

"What's going on?"

"I just wanted to let you know that Steve and Soda get home in a couple of days, and we're having a party for them and one for Pony. He just graduated."

Her voice was very quiet, and it had a rasp to it as though she was really thirsty.

"I can't."

"I wish you would."

Lane came inside and Dally turned his back to him and said, "I already told you I ain't coming back there."

"It's just for a party. I'm not asking you to stay if you don't want to, but you really need to come."

Dally closed his eyes at the way he could hear her voice start to break. He couldn't go there. He was not going to put himself into situations where he would let her get that close to him.

"I'm busy."

"They're going to Vietnam after this. Please just come for a little while."

"What about your boyfriend?"

An audible sniff came over the line, and he waited for her answer.

"What boyfriend?"

It was strange the way that made him feel. Before he went and got tangled up with her again, she'd had this boy that he hated despite not knowing him. He hated him because this kid was half the reason Darry had warned him to stay away from her. But now it was clearly over, and Dally didn't feel any different. Now she was free and open to come and claim, but he still wouldn't do it.

"We're all here, Dally."

"I know."

"You'll let me know if you change your mind?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe I'll see you then?"

"Don't count on it, doll."

She said nothing for a while, but she finally wished him a goodnight and hung up before he could say anything else. Dally hung up the phone and turned and faced Lane.

"What are you doing, boy?"

He stared at his uncle and said nothing.

"Why'd you bring her here if you don't got any intentions with her?"

"It was a mistake."

Dally pushed by him and headed to his room. Lane called out behind him, "I don't think it was, Dally."

XXX

Home hardly felt like home. Evie hadn't been waiting for him at the bus stop like he'd hoped, nor had she been waiting at his house. It bummed him out to think that six weeks wasn't enough for her to get used to the idea and come around. He had two weeks to work on her.

Steve put his bag in his room and looked around. Nothing was different from how he left it.

"I suppose you're probably heading out tonight?"

His dad was standing in the door way looking at him. Steve nodded and said, "Yeah. I'm just going to go see a few people."

The old man nodded and said, "That's good."

"Maybe you and I can do some stuff this week." Steve had never felt the need to hang out with his dad, mainly because his dad never seemed to want to really be apart of his life. But there he was, standing there looking like he expected something.

"I know you ain't gonna be around for long, but I got a real nice deal on a '56 Thunderbird. It needs a lot of work."

It may have been the closest his dad ever came to trying to be a true father to him, and Steve wasn't going to let the old man down.

"Yeah, sure. We could probably spend a few days on that."

"That sounds real good."

He turned to leave but came right back and handed an envelope to him. Steve took it and raised his eyes at the cash inside.

"You probably could use it while you're home."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Don't mention it."

It was the first time his dad had ever given him money without first being asked or after they were in a fight. Steve's throat knotted up because all he could imagine was that his dad was trying to get as much father-son time in before it was too late.

XXX

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, Steve headed outside and across a couple of lawns to Ellie's house. He had been pretty surprised she wasn't at the bus stop to greet them, but he didn't think too much about it.

A few lights were on, but he still didn't knock on the door. He went right to her bedroom window and gave it a few taps. Within a few seconds, the curtain flew back and she pushed up the window and exclaimed, "Steve!"

"Hey, kid," he said.

She climbed out of the window like old times and threw her arms around his neck and he held her tight. It was good to see her look so happy.

"Oh my God, your hair."

He rubbed at the sad aftermath of the clippers. "I know."

"You don't even look like the same person," she said.

"Thanks for rubbing it in."

The energy that was inside her a minute ago dissipated, and she stood there taking him quietly.

"You look the same," he told her.

"Nothing much happened to me. I guess I could stand to get a haircut, too," she said with a little smile.

"Nah, keep it. One of us may as well."

She shook her head so her ponytail swung, and she sat down under her window. Steve sat across from her and said, "You stay outta trouble?"

"Of course," she said, without looking at him. "Finished the school year and everything."

"Glad to hear it."

"How was it?"

Steve shrugged and said, "You know. A whole lot of running, jumping and getting yelled at."

"I'll bet."

He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and it forced a little one out of her. He was about to ask her if she'd seen Evie around when a huge old junker of a car pulled up outside her house and Two-Bit got out of the car, clad in a work uniform.

"Stevie!"

Two-Bit pranced across the lawn and Steve had barely gotten to his feet when he crashed into him, crushing him in a hug. When Two-Bit backed off and looked him over, he suddenly looked horrified.

"What the hell did those goons do to your head?"

"Aw, Two-Bit leave him alone," Ellie piped up.

But Steve couldn't suppress his smile when Two-Bit rubbed his head and said, "No wonder you grew all that hair before. You've got the weirdest looking head I've ever seen."

"Is that all you two are gonna go on about?"

Two-Bit was still gawking. "It's like when Pony's hair was bleached. It's just … weird."

"Knock it off," Ellie said.

"Oh fine. I won't go on anymore about baldy," Two-Bit sighed as he took up a seat on the grass across from her.

Steve sat back down and studied his friends. It was a strange pow-wow for them, but he liked it, but all he could think about was how fast two weeks was going to go.

XXX

The next afternoon Ellie walked over to the graduation party with Steve by her side. She was nervous about going because she figured Pony wouldn't be too happy with her there, but she couldn't wait to see Soda.

She reached up and swiped her hand over Steve's buzzcut. He swatted her hand away.

"I still can't get over it," she said.

"Soda teased me the whole time we were there. I should've figured it'd be the same when we got home," he replied with a smile.

"Soda got the same haircut! Where's he get off teasing you about it?"

Steve just shrugged.

The party was in full swing at the Curtises when they got there. Before Steve had even fully opened the gate, Soda was already standing on the porch, a beer in his hand and a silly grin on his face. If Steve looked silly with his standard issue military haircut, Soda looked as handsome as ever with his.

"Hey, kid," he said, pulling her into a big bear hug that was only rivaled by the rib-crushing hug Steve gave her when he stopped by her house the night before.

"I missed you guys so much."

"I'm glad you and Pony are out of school for the summer," he said as he released her and took a drink of his beer. "There's a lot of fun we need to have the next two weeks."

He had his arm around her shoulder, guiding her into the house before she could say that Pony would probably rather have fun without having her involved. It was obvious, though, when Pony looked her way as they walked into the room. His disgust was clear.

"Don't pay any attention to him," Soda said, still leading her through the house. He paused before he took her outside. "I told him last night that this was just as much my party as it was his. And I wanted you here."

There was a bucket filled with ice and beer bottles on the back stoop, beside the grill where Darry was flipping burgers. They stopped there for a minute so Soda could open a bottle for her and Steve before they kept going. She wasn't even sure where they were headed until Soda stopped by the garage in the back.

Steve took a long drink of his beer before he asked, "Why doesn't Pony want you here?"

She had deliberately avoided telling Steve anything about the prom the night before, but Soda seemed to already know, judging by the way he was looking at her.

Steve glanced between them and then gave her a disapproving look. "You told me you didn't get into any trouble while we were gone."

"It wasn't really trouble, though. It was just stupid."

"Ellie –"

She cut him off by turning to Soda. "When did you find out?"

"Last night."

"I guess Pony really had a lot to say about it."

Soda shrugged. "Not a word. Darry was the one that told me."

"Told you what? Ellie, what did you do?"

She looked at her shoes and sighed. It was even worse saying what happened out loud because in her head, she could justify it all. Hearing herself say it made her realize just how terrible it was.

"Dally showed up on prom night."

Steve choked on his beer and went into a coughing spell. When he could finally breathe again, he raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "He what?"

"You heard me."

"Tux and all?"

She laughed at the image. "Yeah, right. More like, dirty jeans, dirty shirt, dirty boots."

"Yeah, that sounds like Dally. He just showed up out of the blue like that? Where's he been?"

"Up in Windrixville. Staying with his uncle."

"Shit."

Soda nodded. "You got that right. I can't believe he's been there all along. Darry said he's working on his uncle's farm and everything."

"Dally working?" Steve said with a scoff. "I'll believe that when I see it."

"I saw it," she said. "He works hard up there."

Steve narrowed his eyes. "You mean to tell me you left your prom and went with him?"

"Makes sense why Pony's mad at me, huh?"

"What about Wade?"

"I'd say he's more mad at me than Pony."

"Ellie, you didn't. You didn't just leave him there, did you?"

She took a drink of her beer, trying not to look at either of them. "It was awful. I know it was."

"I don't know about that," Soda said with a shrug. "I mean, I guess you could have let Wade down a little easier than that, but what can you do? At least you got to see Dally again."

She nodded but didn't say anything.

"And when were you going to tell me about all this?" Steve asked.

"Maybe never?"

"I was going to find out eventually. You should've told me about it last night. I can't believe Two-Bit kept his trap shut."

"I just didn't want to unload all this on you guys. You're only back for so long, and it didn't seem right. Plus," she added with a little smile, "I didn't want a big lecture from you."

Steve grinned at her but shook his head. "I ain't gonna give you a lecture."

"Why not? This is prime material for a lecture."

He rubbed at the back of his neck like he was thinking really hard about what he wanted to say. He finally seemed to think of the words. "I don't wanna sound sappy or anything, but everybody knows about you and Dally. What were you supposed to do when he showed up? Tell him to leave?"

"That's exactly what you would have told me to do."

He shrugged. "Maybe, but now it don't really seem right. I mean, he came all this way to see you, didn't he? Bad timing and all, but he finally showed up, didn't he?"

Because she didn't know what to say to something like that coming from Steve, she turned to Soda. "I wonder why Pony wasn't dying to tell you all about what happened."

He gave her a sheepish grin. "The way I figure it, after I went to Florida to see Sandy and all that, he probably thought I'd take your side and he didn't want to risk it."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

"If that's what he thought, he was right," he added with a wink.

"If you guys could've seen the way Wade yelled at me when I got back, I don't think you'd be so supportive."

"Wade yelled?" Soda asked.

"At you?" Steve added.

"Close enough," she said, starting to feel the prick behind her eyes. She was not going to cry in front of them.

"The kid will survive," Steve said.

She didn't know where this understanding Steve was coming from, but she didn't want to push it. She didn't deserve to have anyone understand, but having Steve and Soda on her side quelled the hurt of it all a little.

"You guys heard about Pony's scholarship to NYU and everything?"

"He wrote to me about it," Soda said. "Said he was scared to tell everybody since we had just left."

"That little coward," she said with a bitter smile.

Soda grinned. "He might stop being mad at you if you don't call him a coward."

"Maybe. I just hope he'll get over it by the time he leaves. I don't want him mad at me when he's that far away."

There was a whoop that came from inside the house that could have only come from Two-Bit. Steve grinned and finished the rest of his beer.

"Well, since I told Pony that this was our party as much as it was his, I guess we ought to make an appearance," Soda said. "You're staying the whole time, right? You better not sneak out on us."

"I'm staying put," she promised.

"Good, because I'm gonna need somebody to dance with later."

"It's a deal."

He pulled her into another hug before he and Steve headed back into the house. There was more yelling that confirmed that it was definitely Two-Bit inside, and she smiled to herself. It felt so good to have her almost all of her friends home again.

XXX

It was well before dawn, but Dally sat on the railing of the porch outside his bedroom window. He smoked another cigarette and closed his eyes.

She had been gone for well over a week, but every time he turned around, he could still see her everywhere. It was like living with a damn ghost except worse.

Opening his eyes, he half expected to see her standing on the porch beside him in that silly dress she had worn to her dance. He was alone, though.

"I'm fucking losing it," he muttered, stubbing out his smoke and tossing it to the ground to join the others.

A thought had been haunting him since she left; one that he couldn't get out of his head no matter how hard he tried. Sitting there on that porch railing, in the pitch black night, he made a decision.

He couldn't stay in Windrixville anymore.

_And all my debonair  
>Died in her arms one night<br>You go so quietly  
>Once you've seen the end<em>


	39. Wash These Sins Away

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. The Gaslight Anthem owns "Meet Me By the River's Edge."**

* * *

><p><em>You were the only one who understood me then,<br>And the only one who will  
><em>

**June 1969**_  
><em>

There she was. The prettiest girl with brown eyes he'd ever seen. When she saw him, he thought he saw a smile cross her face, but her guard was up. She started to make a move down the steps but suddenly stopped herself. The longing look in her eyes was all he needed to walk onto the porch.

"Hey, Evie."

"Hi."

Her right hand was rubbing the upper part of her left arm, and she couldn't keep his gaze for longer than a few seconds before she would look away. Steve stepped up to her level, wanting nothing more than to just touch her, but he kept his hands at his sides. One hand was clenched around the ring he had tried to give her once.

"How are you?" he asked.

With a shrug, she said, "Okay."

"That's good."

His palms were sweating and the longer she wouldn't look at him, the worse he started feeling.

"What are you doing here?"

"I haven't seen you in six weeks. That's the longest I've ever gone since I met you."

She shifted her weight and licked her lips. She seemed to really be thinking through what she wanted to say and finally said, "That was your decision."

"I know and I'm sorry. I had to do it, Evie. I couldn't just let him go off on his own."

"I know that, but you didn't even ask me."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"Me, too."

"I've got the next two weeks here before we ship out, you know. Can I take you out?"

"I don't know if it's such a good idea, Steve."

Steve clenched his hand tighter, feeling the meager diamond in the ring bite into the palm of his hand. For six weeks he prayed he hadn't lost her completely. All of that hope he had was fading right in front of him.

"Do you think it would be a good idea tomorrow?"

That elicited a small smile from her that she tried to hide with the turn of her head. When she faced him again, it was gone.

"I don't know."

Feeling defeated, he gave her a nod and made ready to leave. Cautiously, he stepped forward and kissed her cheek. Her eyes were closed when he pulled away, and he said near her ear, "I still love you, Evie."

She said nothing in return, and Steve left with the ring still in his hand.

XXX

Steve had stayed outside long after his dad went in. They had worked on the car for a while, Steve identifying most of the problems, and they came up with a plan to fix up what they could with what was left of his two weeks home.

It was a little after nine when Ellie got home. She was walking up the street alone, probably on her way home from work.

"Ellie!" he called out.

She saw him and waved.

"I'll be right over," she said, and then she ran into her house. A minute later she came back out and headed toward him with two bottles of Pepsi in her hands. "You look thirsty."

"Thanks," he said, grabbing the bottle and taking a sip.

She sat up on the hood beside him and drank her Pepsi. "What'd you do today?"

"Just hung around here. Helped Dad with this car."

"Have you talked to Evie yet?"

"Tried to."

"Keep trying."

"I will. I just don't think she's going to come around," he replied, feeling even more defeated when he said it out loud. "You know I didn't enlist for the hell of it, right?"

"Of course," she said, weakly. She seemed to think real hard before she said anything else. "It was gallant what you did."

"I had to do it. You know that I prayed every night for almost a year, making a deal with God, that if I didn't get drafted I would marry Evie? I did that, and Soda was the one that got drafted. I mean, Soda? I feel like it's my fault."

"It's not your fault. You didn't make him get drafted or anything. It's just because of all the shit that's going on. This whole Vietnam thing is stupid and we're just all at the right age to be screwed over by it. I just can't believe that we're old enough for this."

"It's because we ain't old enough. Not for this."

All he had ever wanted was to be old enough to do things his own way, to get out on his own, but now that some true adult responsibility had been thrown his way, he wanted to be 10 years old again. He wanted to be the kid playing cops and robbers and riding his bike instead of driving his car.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't unload on you like this."

"Yes you should. I've unloaded enough on you the last few years. I feel like all we've done is butt heads."

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. They had enough stubbornness between them to fight for days, but he was drained of it. He suddenly felt terrible for how much he had ragged on her in the last few years.

Steve put an arm around her shoulder. "I wouldn't want to butt heads with anyone else. Ain't that what brothers and sisters do? And since I don't have a sister and Danny isn't old enough, we're stuck with each other."

"I guess so. Still doesn't mean we should have fought so much," she said. "I don't know how you put up with me, but I'm glad you do. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I wish I could have done more," he said, taking a drink. One of his biggest regrets was letting her out of sight long enough to disappear with Tim that night.

She looked at him seriously, and he could tell she knew exactly what he was getting at. "Please don't."

"What?"

"Don't blame yourself for what happened. I swear to you that I'm okay. I've been okay. It was a long time ago, Steve," she said. "I don't want you or Soda heading off with anything like that on your mind. You have enough to worry about without worrying about stuff that's already happened."

He nodded and took a long drink, feeling her looking at him the whole time. It was going to be hard to let that go for her, but he would try.

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, both lost in thought. They sat there drinking their Pepsi and watching the cars drive down the street.

"How come you haven't said anything to me about Dally?" she asked.

"I know." She stared at him, waiting for him to go on. He grinned. "What do you want me to say?"

"You were the first one to tell me he was a bad idea."

"He probably still is, and I don't like what all he's done to you, but I can't tell you what to feel. I guess Evie dumping me got me thinking about how you've held on to him for so long. I hope Evie holds on like that while I'm gone."

Ellie looked so sad all of a sudden, and she rested her head on his shoulder. Quietly she said, "You and Evie are a whole lot different than me and Dally. It'll all work out for you guys. I know it will."

He wished he could tell her things would work out with Dally, but he didn't believe it enough. No matter how long she held out for him, he just had a feeling that it would never really work out with them.

"Have you seen Wade at all?"

She shook her head against his shoulder and said nothing. Steve left it at that.

"So, there's only one question left," he said, turning to her and giving her a wicked smile.

She leaned away from him, looking at him with wide-eyed curiosity. "And what is that?"

"Wanna get into some trouble tonight?"

"Wait, what?"

He stood, finished his Pepsi off and hopped off the car, pulling her with him. Steve smiled to himself. There was no way he was leaving Tulsa without hitting up a few old haunts and stealing a few more hubcaps on his way out.

XXX

Getting into trouble meant rounding up their friends and finding some booze. Steve had called Two-Bit and told him the plan. Two-Bit said he would find the booze and meet them at the elementary school playground.

She followed Steve toward the Curtises and she panicked a little.

"Are you asking Pony?" Ellie asked. She wasn't going to tell him not to, but she didn't think she would enjoy his company or vice versa.

Steve gave her a disgusted look and said, "No, but he's busy anyway. Soda said he had a whole bunch of college stuff to do and people's parties to go to. He's popular, you know."

"Yeah, I know. And he's the one who didn't have a date to prom."

When they got to the house, Steve ran up to Soda and Pony's bedroom window and peeked inside. Ellie eased up beside him and looked in. Soda was lying on the bed and looking through a magazine. Steve tapped on it until Soda looked over and grinned. He came over and opened it.

"What are you two doin'? You can come inside you know."

"We know. This is stealth. Me and El and Two-Bit are hanging out, so you are too."

Soda smiled, his eyes lit up and he nodded. Quickly he shut the window and they watched him try to put his shoes on as he headed out into the hallway. Ellie laughed as he tripped, falling onto the bed.

"He might kill himself before he gets outside," she said.

They walked around front and waited on the sidewalk. The front door opened and Soda dashed outside, calling over his shoulder, "I don't know when I'll be home. Don't wait up!"

He met them on the sidewalk, pushed between them and looped his arms around either of their shoulders as they walked.

"So, what's the plan?"

Steve said, "We're meeting Two-Bit at the school playground. He's bringing the booze."

"Sounds like a mighty fine plan," he said.

XXX

By the time the three of them got there, Two-Bit was already sitting at the top of the jungle gym and holding two bottles of Jack Daniels waiting. It was beginning to get dark, but the night was still young.

"'Bout time! Thought I was going to have to start on this all by myself!"

Ellie broke away from the other two and took off running toward him. She looked so incredibly happy, which was something new for her in the last few weeks. Steve and Soda were cracking jokes as they walked up to the playground, and Two-Bit felt as happy as could be. He was afraid the two weeks of leave the guys had would be spent moping around, but a night like this was exactly what they all needed.

Ellie climbed up and sat beside him, her legs dangling through the bars. "God, Jack Daniels?" she asked, taking a bottle from him.

"What are you whining about? Steve said booze, so I got booze," Two-Bit said, taking it back from her and handing it beneath him to where Steve was standing on the inside.

"Booze is booze," Steve said, handing it to Soda after he took a drink.

Judging by the look on her face, she hadn't yet had a good experience with whiskey, but he was aiming to change that. Soda handed the bottle up through the bars and Two-Bit took it and handed it to her. Waggling his eyebrows, he waited on her.

"Not my favorite, but okay," she said, taking the bottle. She took a drink and her face scrunched up as she swallowed, before she broke into a coughing spell.

They all laughed at her and Two-Bit opened the second bottle. They drank and talked for awhile, and once he could tell that at least Ellie was sporting a good buzz, he eased himself down and said, "I think we oughta play a little truth or dare."

They all sat facing each other on the merry-go-round. It spun a little from them climbing on and settling themselves, but now they were back to passing the bottles back and forth. Two-Bit cleared his throat, commanding their attention.

"Okay, okay. We're gonna play this the way we did when we were kids. Remember how? One person's 'it' and asks the truth question. The others either answer or choose dare. I'll go first," he said. He looked at each one of them, studying them carefully as he came up with a good question.

"You only liked that because you started it," Soda said.

"And I never once heard anyone complain about it," Two-Bit replied, matter-of-factly.

"Because no one else ever got to be 'it,'" Ellie said.

"Hush up and listen," he said. "Truth: what is the craziest thing you've ever done? And I don't mean things I already know about. So Steve you can't say that you enlisted, Soda don't tell me about getting on a bus and headin' to Florida without telling no one, and Ellie, no stories about beating up cars with crowbars. Soda, you're first."

"Craziest thing? Man, I've done a few. But okay, this was pretty crazy. When I was 12 or 13 I was friends with Mitch Adams for about a week. We broke into some closed building and we went up on the roof. We threw some stuff off and hid so people didn't know what was going on."

"Lame," Steve said.

Two-Bit agreed and gave Soda a thumbs down. Ellie agreed as she took the bottle from him.

"I'm getting to it!" he said, scratching his shaved head. "We threw stuff off for awhile and then we got to looking at the building next to us. It didn't look too far so we decided it would be cool to jump between them."

"No you didn't," Ellie said. "You can't jump that far."

Her eyes were wide, and Soda's got wider as he said, "Oh we did. I went first even. I cleared it okay, but it was jumping back over that I almost missed it. I almost fell, but I pulled myself back up."

"That … is fucking crazy," Two-Bit appraised. "Approved. Stevie?"

"Shit, I don't know. Once when I was 15, I took my dad's car and went for a joyride. Soda came with me and we went down and raced some older kids. I bottomed out and barely got the car home before it stopped running."

"Did your dad ever find out?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah, but for as much as an asshole as he can be, he never busted me for it for whatever reason. I think it was some guilt thing about me losing Mom. I don't know."

They were all quiet for a moment. Steve almost never talked about his mom and when he did, usually no one knew what to say. He kept looking at his feet for a moment, holding one of the bottles and seemingly lost in thought. It was Ellie that spoke up.

"I miss your mom. She would be proud of you."

Steve looked at her, and Two-Bit saw the sheepish smile on his face. Having grown up just a few houses from Steve, Ellie had been the only one of them who really knew Steve's mom before she died.

"Yeah," Steve agreed. He took a long drink. "Guess I haven't done too much Two-Bit approved crazy. El?"

They all looked to her and she sat there, arms tangled under her bent knees. She tugged at the backs of her worn Converse and sighed.

"Remember when I got suspended?"

"I said a story I didn't know," Two-Bit reminded her.

"You don't know this," she said, jhaughtily. "A few days after I was suspended, Tim and Monty picked me up to go to a party. We made a stop at a liquor store because they obviously wanted to pick up some supplies."

"Big deal," Soda said with a grin. "You went with Monty to buy alcohol. He was old enough, wasn't he? So you didn't even have to use a fake ID."

"Yeah, he was old enough, but the store was _closed_. And it was Tim and Monty. We broke in the back and stole all the booze for the party," she said. "Well, they did the breaking in part."

"You lie," Two-Bit said.

She shook her head, her long ponytail flinging over her shoulder. "I do not!"

"You probably just sat in the car," Soda said.

"No I didn't! I carried cases of beer and Tim had me go into the main part of the store with a box to get the liquor. He did scare the shit out of me and I dropped a bottle of something, and it broke. But I did it all."

"No shit. I never woulda figured you to be one to knock over a liquor store," Two-Bit said. She had changed a lot while she dated Tim, but stealing liquor seemed a bit over the edge for her. He was impressed and Soda looked impressed. Steve just looked annoyed.

"My turn," Steve said. "Okay, truth: If you could have anyone other than someone you've been with, who and why?"

Ellie shifted a little, staring at her shoes, but it was Soda that shrugged and said, "I'll take a dare."

It was a bad question but Two-Bit tipped his hat to Steve. It was a sure-fire way to make them take the dare. Steve smirked and looked at Soda, acting like he was thinking up a good one.

"Okay, you have to let a girl beat you up," Steve said, and he looked at Ellie. "Her."

"Oooooh, man, that is great. I gotta watch this," Two-Bit said. He spun around on his butt and stood up, turning the merry-go-round as he did. They were all three still sitting there, Ellie and Soda both trying to get out of it.

"Does this count as my dare?" she asked.

Steve looked at him, but Two-Bit shook his head. "Nope. This one is Soda's. You're just helping."

"Fine," she said, struggling to get off the playground toy. Two-Bit grabbed her arm and helped her off.

"I can't believe this," she said. He handed her the bottle he was holding, and she took a drink.

"Want some pointers?" he asked.

Ellie shook her head and said, "Nah, I've got it, he's just gotta do it my way."

Steve stayed in Soda's corner and Two-Bit put Ellie into position across from him. He whispered tips in her ear, knowing the whole time that Soda would probably just go down like a sack of bricks so he didn't hurt her.

"Just hit him hard, go at him and don't stop. He'll go down," he said, but she waved him off.

"I've got it," she said. "Soda, turn around."

"Are you crazy?"

"No, turn around. I'm serious!"

This was becoming the funniest thing he'd seen lately, especially when Steve literally sauntered over and turned Soda around by his shoulders.

"Isn't this cheating?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder.

"Yes," she replied flatly, which made Two-Bit and Steve laugh.

"What are you gonna do?" Two-Bit asked.

"Just watch."

Two-Bit moved away and stood on the sideline with Steve. She gave them a look and a smile and then she ran at Soda's back, stopping just as she was behind him and kicked him in the back of the knee. Soda buckled and went straight down. Ellie stood there laughing so hard, she was doubled over. Steve and Two-Bit leaned into each other to keep from falling down themselves.

On the ground, Soda made it to his knees and had Ellie by the ankle, pulling her down in a laughing heap beside him.

"Where in the hell did you learn that from?" Soda asked, rubbing his knee. "Damn."

As Steve helped her to her feet, she said, "How do you think I fought a football player with no help?"

Soda was still lying on the ground and she reached her hand out to help him up. He took it and yanked her back down and quickly had her pinned to the ground.

"Say 'uncle.'"

She was laughing so hard she could hardly speak, but she choked it out and Soda pulled her up. They brushed themselves off and Steve punched him in the shoulder.

"You were supposed to let her beat you up. That was the dare."

"She had him," Two-Bit said. "Let the man have his pride."

"Yeah, let him have his pride," Soda said, sitting on the edge of the merry-go-round. "It's El's turn now."

"Dare," she said.

Steve turned on her, looked her over and then looked around the playground and out on the street. That same smirk was on his face returned, and he pointed up the street a little way.

"I happen to know something that Principal Greene doesn't want anyone else to know," he said.

Two-Bit almost choked on the whiskey he was drinking. He knew exactly what Steve was getting at. "That's perfect, man."

"What?"

"Greene lives up the street from here," Steve said. "We egged his house once freshman year."

"I don't have any eggs."

"Steal one of his hubcaps. I know you know how."

"You've got to be kidding me," she said.

"Nope."

"You know I can't lift 'em as fast as you."

"I know that, but do it anyway. We'll keep a look out."

XXX

Even though she had been drinking, Ellie was still in the frame of mind to know that she wouldn't even consider doing what she was doing if she was sober. Trashing Greene's office had been enough; she really didn't want to tempt fate by stealing a hubcap from his car, right in front of his house, no less.

"Go!" Steve whispered harshly. "Just like I showed you."

She flipped him the middle finger and crossed the street. The nice Buick was parked in the driveway, and she was careful to stay low and quiet. She picked the front driver's side tire, the one he was sure to notice when he went to his car in the morning, and the one that hid her best from anyone inside the house. She glanced back at the guys, but it was dark and she couldn't see them very well. She could just imagine all three of them back there laughing at her. She hardly believed this was the principal's house, but she wouldn't put it past them to steal the hubcap of someone important. Part of her was afraid it was the chief of police or someone similar.

She struggled for what felt like forever before she finally managed to pry the stupid thing off, nearly taking off a whole fingernail in the process. With the hubcap tucked under her arm, she ran back across the street. Shaking from the adrenaline, she collapsed beside them, the hubcap dropping heavily on the sidewalk and making the loudest sound in the whole world.

The porch light from the house behind them flicked on and, in a cloud of "oh shits," they all took off running down the street. She looked back to see the front door open and Principal Greene step outside in his bathrobe. They turned the corner before he looked in their direction, and they ran back to the playground, huffing and puffing through stifled laughter. Ellie threw the hubcap back to the ground and took one of the bottles from Steve.

"I thought you were lying! I didn't think he actually lived there!"

They all laughed at her, and she couldn't help but smile as well, staring down at the hubcap.

Steve pointed at Two-Bit. "Are you taking the truth or do you want the dare?"

"Ah hell, just give me the dare," he said.

Steve looked like he was thinking about it as he stared above Two-Bit and then pointed. He turned around and looked.

"What?"

"The last day of fifth grade Soda and I threw a baseball up there, we signed our names on it. Get up there and see if its there," Steve said.

Ellie and Soda tried to talk Two-Bit out of it and to make Steve change the dare, but neither would budge.

There were a few trees around the one-story building, but only one was tall enough and seemingly sturdy enough to support him.

"He's gonna get to the top and not be able to reach. It's too far away from the roof," Soda said. "He won't make it."

"So let him find out the hard way. He's still gotta get up there. It's the dare," Steve said.

Two-Bit climbed, surprising surefooted for a guy that had been drinking most the night. Leaves fell from the branches, fluttering to the ground a few months premature as Two-Bit made his way to the top.

"Hurry up!" Steve shouted.

"I'm goin'," Two-Bit hollered back. He was as far up in the tree as he would be able to get, and Ellie could tell he was stuck. Holding onto the branches he reached out for the building, the whole tree swaying with him.

"He's too far," Ellie said.

Just as she said it, Two-Bit propelled himself forward, grabbing the ledge with both hands. They were all three on their feet, rushing toward the building, shouting for him to hold on. But Two-Bit pulled himself up, scraping his boots on the brick and disappearing over the edge.

"I'll be damned," Soda said. "You okay, Two-Bit?"

Up above them he popped up, arms in the air triumphant.

"Oh my God," Ellie mumbled. "You guys are crazy."

"We're crazy?" Soda asked. "You're the one that just lifted a hubcap from your principal."

She ignored him and looked back up to the roof of the school, but Two-Bit was nowhere to be seen. He was gone for a few minutes before Steve finally called up to him.

"You fall off the other side or something?"

Suddenly a Frisbee came flying off the roof. It was followed by a red kickball, a soccer ball, and finally Two-Bit standing near the edge of the roof. He had a baseball in his hand.

"You found it!" Ellie yelled.

"Well, I found the only baseball up here," Two-Bit said, examining it in his hands before he pointed at Steve, "and you're a filthy liar. You didn't write your names on this."

Steve shrugged. "At least I knew there was one up there. It wasn't a wasted trip."

"Yeah, yeah," Two-Bit said, sitting on the edge of the roof near the tree he climbed up on. "Lucky guess."

He reached for the branch closest to him but paused as he grabbed the leaves. Soda started to say something, but Two-Bit held up his hand to stop him.

"You guys hear that?"

Ellie strained her ears to listen. Somewhere in the distance she thought she heard sirens. She glanced at Soda and Steve who seemed to hear the same thing.

"We gotta get out of here," Two-Bit said. He tossed the baseball down to Soda as he struggled to reach the tree.

Before Ellie could register what was happening, he was hanging from one of the branches like a monkey. He dropped a good six or seven feet before anybody could even try to help him.

"Two-Bit, are you okay?" she called, running over to him.

"Get the goods!" he yelled from the bushes under the tree.

She didn't know what he was talking about until Soda and Steve were beside her, their arms filled with the bottles of Jack, the sports balls, and a hubcap. Two-Bit came hobbling out of the bushes, leaves stuck in his shirt, and took the bottle of whiskey Soda was carrying.

"We gotta move!"

He led the way in a limping run that had the rest of them laughing so hard they could barely keep up.

XXX

None of them stopped running until they were back on Boston Street and sitting in Steve's driveway. They never even saw the cop cars, but it was still going to be a good story nonetheless. Soda planned on giving Ellie endless hell for getting the cops called on them for stealing Greene's hubcap.

"Well, that was fun," Ellie said.

Steve handed her the bottle, but she turned it down and rubbed her eyes.

"You can't be tired yet, missy," Two-Bit said. "We're going till the sun comes up."

She opened her eyes and looked at the sky. "What are we doing then?"

Two-Bit's eyes got a little wide, and he said, "Someone ask me a truth question."

"What kind of truth question?" Steve asked.

"Just any. Make it general."

Ellie looked at him and then at Two-Bit. "Truth: What general thing do you want to tell us?"

Two-Bit leaned in close and ushered them to scoot in closer as well. Once they were resettled, Two-Bit got the biggest grin on his face and said, "I'm gonna be a dad."

At first there was silence and then Steve clapped Two-Bit on the back. "No kidding? You?"

"Yeah! Carolyn found out just before you guys got back. She wanted to keep it quiet for a while, but I needed to tell somebody."

Soda offered him his congratulations, genuinely happy for his friend. Of all of them, Two-Bit would be the best at being a dad. He told him as much.

"Aw, Two-Bit!" Ellie leaned over and hugged him. When she sat back down he caught the look she gave him and he winked at her. He knew what she was thinking about and he was okay. Everyone seemed to forget that he was a daddy, too. Sort of, anyway.

Pushing away thoughts of his own son that he had to constantly remind himself he had, Soda picked up one of the bottles and handed the other to Two-Bit.

"Cheers to you, man."

They clinked the bottles and took a drink, and Soda passed the bottle on to Ellie and Steve who did the same.

_We're going to wash these sins away,  
>Or else we won't come back again,<br>No retreat, no regrets_


	40. Shortfalls and Little Sins

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns** **_The Outsiders._ The song "The Outsiders" (what a fun coincidence ;) belongs to Needtobreathe.**

* * *

><p><em>Stand tall, we're running thin<br>I'm wearing thin_

**June 1969**

Wind swept across the openness around them and made little ripples in the river they had their fishing lures parked in. It wasn't like any of them were good at fishing or had really ever done it that much before, but Darry thought that a weekend in the country would do the three of them good. Their dad always used to take them hunting, but Darry didn't think it was a good idea. Something told him bringing guns with them wouldn't rest well with Soda, not to mention his own nerves. It was Allison that suggested the fishing trip, but it had really turned into a trip where all they did was sit and stare out at the rather shallow stream and drink cold beer. It was actually nice.

"I think it was a good idea we brought food, or else I think we'd starve," Pony said.

Soda laughed as he reeled in his hook and recast it. He cast it so far it hit the other bank which made all three of them start laughing.

"Hot dogs sure do sound good," Soda said, rubbing his belly. "No trout in this puddle."

Darry grinned and said, "I didn't bring hotdogs."

Both of his brothers looked at him and little surprised, and Pony said, "You mean we really should be trying to catch some fish? 'Cause all I've seen are tadpoles."

"No, no. I brought steak."

"Steak? Who's ever heard of cooking steak over a campfire?" Soda asked.

"There's a first time for everything," Darry said, reeling his empty hook back in. "Besides, Allison gave them a little head start."

XXX

Two-Bit walked into the tiny kitchen of his new apartment, only to find Carolyn on her tiptoes, trying to put a stack of bowls in a cabinet above the stove.

"Hey, hey, hey," he said, rushing in. He took the bowls from her and easily stuck them on the top shelf. "I can get that."

"Would you cut it out?" she said with a gentle slap to his arm. "You aren't letting me do anything around here."

"I think that's what I'm supposed to do considering the condition you're in." He wrapped his arms around her, his hand resting on her belly.

"Well, my 'condition' isn't dead, so I can do something." She pointed to the stack of boxes that cluttered their living room. "There's plenty to do, after all."

"That's not important right now," he said. "We've got plenty of time to get settled."

She protested, but he took her by the wrist and led her over to the ragged couch they bought at a yard sale. He sat down, and she snuggled up beside him.

"So we need to figure some stuff out," he said.

"What stuff? I have some ideas about where to hang pictures …"

"I was thinking more along the lines of when we should get hitched."

It surprised him how he wasn't nervous bringing up the subject. In his mind, it wasn't just the right thing to do, but it was what he wanted more than anything.

She sat up and looked at him. "Hitched? Why?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, gee, I don't know. For fun?"

"You mean because of the baby?"

"Uh, yeah, honey."

"I wasn't kidding back when I said I wasn't going to make you sign a contract, even now."

"And I _was_ only kidding when I pretended to be worried about it," he said, kissing her on the cheek.

"We've hardly been dating for six months!"

He stared at her. "But we're having a baby together."

"That's no reason to get married."

Finding himself at a loss for words for the first time in maybe his whole life, he stuttered and stammered until something finally came out. "Well, uh, I think that's the perfect reason to get married."

"Listen, sweetheart," she said, nestling back in under his arm, "it's not that I don't want to at some point. Let's just deal with this chaos before we start creating more chaos for ourselves. How does that sound?"

He sort of liked that reasoning. "But isn't your momma gonna be mad if we don't get ourselves married?"

She shrugged against him. "She's always mad at me. What about your momma?"

"Hey, since I got a real job and kept it for longer than a day, I can do no wrong." He kissed Carolyn on the top of the head. "She's excited for us. And so am I."

"Me too."

XXX

The sun was low on the horizon, and Soda worked on getting a fire going while Darry cooked the steaks on the old charcoal grill their dad used to lug out on these same trips when they were kids. Pony was dragging a cooler from the truck, making a whole lot of racket and kicking up a cloud of dust behind him.

"What else is in there? It's heavy," Pony said.

"A whole lot of beer, probably. How about you hand me one?" Soda said.

Pony came over and handed him a beer and had one of his own. He sat across from him at the fire and stared at it. Soda watched his kid brother for a minute before he noticed him staring. There wasn't much light in the kid's eyes right then, and he looked back into the fire and drank his beer quietly. Soda got up and sat beside him.

"You okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah, just nervous about stuff."

"Yeah, stuff makes me nervous, too," Soda replied, sipping his beer. "I was thinking that when I get back and all, that I should come see you in New York. Maybe live out there for a bit."

This elicited a look from Darry, but only a look. It wasn't stern, and it wasn't angry. Soda thought that it looked more relieved than anything.

"That'd be great."

It was a half-hearted response and Soda put his arm around his kid brother. "You know I have to check up on you. You can't just go out there and become some hot-shot and forget the rest of us."

"I don't think many hot-shots are named 'Ponyboy,'" he said with a little smile.

Darry stepped over and handed them both a whopping piece of steak on camp dishes. "There's a first time for everything."

He sat down with his own steak and beer beside Pony and started eating. The meat was good, but the forks they had weren't doing them any favors. Soda picked up the still steaming beef with his hands and tore chunks off his with his teeth. Pony shrugged and gave up just as easily, but Darry held out with the fork.

"Allison's not here," Soda said, his mouth full. "You don't have to use your manners."

Seemingly, it was all he needed to hear. He nodded, dropped his fork and picked up his steak. Soda was certain they were all a sight to be seen.

XXX

Steve and his dad were hunkered down under the hood of the car when a pair of high heels tapped along the sidewalk behind them. Mack looked back first and nudged his son to do the same.

When he turned, wiping his hands on a greasy rag as he did so, he was surprised to find Evie standing nervously at the end of the driveway.

"Hi," she said quietly, looking between the two of them.

"Well, I'm starved. I'm gonna go find me a bite to eat," Mack said, giving Steve a nod. "Leave you kids alone."

He just watched his dad head into the house before he could find anything to say. When he finally did, all he said was, "Hi, Evie."

She smiled a tight, forced smile and looked down at her feet.

He leaned on the bumper of the car and wiped his hands until they felt raw. He noticed a car drive by, a kid ride down the street on a bicycle, all the while never taking his eyes off the only girl he ever wanted.

She finally met his eyes again, looking like she had a million things in her head but no way to say any of them.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"I don't want to start dating you before you go off to war," she blurted.

That hit him like a ton of bricks, and he shook his head a little to clear his mind. "Okay."

She walked up to him and put a hand on his arm. "That's not what I mean. I don't want to start something again before you leave because what if …" She looked down at the ground again and shrugged. "Because what if?"

He knew what she was getting at because it had been the only thought on his mind since he signed up to go to Vietnam. "I know."

"But I don't want you to leave thinking I don't love you," she continued, her voice cracking as she spoke.

He smiled even as the tears welled up in her eyes. Running his hand along her cheek, he leaned close to her. "I knew you always loved me."

She smiled back, causing the tears to spill over, and he kissed her on the forehead. "I can't stand not seeing you while you're home."

"Do me a favor," he said, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out the ring he carried with him everywhere he went, just in case.

She saw what he had in his hand and shook her head. "No, Steve, I couldn't."

"Hear me out. Will you hang on to this while I'm gone? You don't even have to wear it, just keep it safe for me? And if you don't want it when I get home, I'll take it back."

She seemed hesitant to take it from him.

"If you don't want to, I understand, Evie. But then when I get home, I'm just going to be asking you to take it again, whether you're with some guy or not. So you may as well have a pretty ring while I'm gone. It doesn't have to mean anything for us. I'd just like to know it's in good hands while I'm away."

"Of course it would mean something," she said.

He thought she was going to tell him she didn't want anything to do with his mother's ring when she took off the necklace she was wearing. She took the ring from him and slipped it on the simple silver chain she always wore. Clasping it back around her neck, she held the ring in a tight fist.

"I'll keep it for you."

"Just don't lose it." He smiled at her. "Even if some guy swoops in and proposes to you and gives you a better ring, just hang on to it until I get back."

"It's safe with me," she said, tears still in her eyes.

She wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek against his chest, ignoring the oil and grease stains on his shirt. He held on to her tight, his chin rested on the top of her head, and wondered how he was ever going to let go of her.

XXX

Once again, Dally was sitting alone at the tiny hole-in-the-wall bar in Windrixville. The beer was piss warm and he was about done for the night. A girl was eying him from where she danced slowly by the jukebox, but he turned his attention away. He just wasn't interested tonight.

There was a letter weighing heavy in his pocket, addressed to Ellie or at least as well as he could remember her address. He had a feeling the numbers were off, but he figured the Postal Service could probably figure it out if he decided to send it. It didn't say much. Just one line really. He just wanted to let her know that he didn't use her like she thought he did. There were enough late nights in an empty bed for him to realize that Lane was more right than Dally wanted to admit.

He finished his beer, threw some money on the bar and went outside. It was dark, the air still and warm. Across the parking lot there was a mailbox and he walked over to it.

The letter was already crumpled from being in his pocket and he smoothed it out. He stared at her name and quickly dropped it into the box before he could really think it over. Ellie would get it in a couple of days.

XXX

The wood in the fire was crackling and tossing cinders into the dark as Soda and his brothers sat around the fire. Fishing had been a complete bust and after they ate, they didn't even try anymore. Soda leaned back against the log that surrounded the fire and glanced at Pony and Darry. They looked as content as he felt.

"We should've done this more," he said.

Darry nodded and sipped his beer.

"Oh, hey, did you guys hear about Two-Bit?"

"What's he done now?" Pony asked.

"Him and Carolyn are having a baby."

Pony coughed and Darry sat forward looking hard at him. The look on his face was a cross of disbelief and awe.

"What?" Darry asked. "When?"

"I'm not sure. I think he just found out. I just heard about it the other day, anyway."

"Wow," Pony said. "Can you imagine him as a dad?"

"I can't imagine the trouble he'll get a kid into," Darry agreed.

"Actually, I think he'll be good at it. Carolyn will probably have to be the strict one because all Two-Bit's going to want to do is play." Soda grinned to himself. "What about you, Dar?"

"What about me?"

"When are you and Allison gonna start with the kids?"

Darry sighed a little, but Soda could see the smile on his face even in the dark. "You ain't gonna start in on me about this now, are you? I hear enough of it from her."

"Don't tell me you ain't ready."

"Why would I be ready?"

Pony laughed. "We weren't enough to get you ready for kids?"

Chuckling, Darry tossed a stick across the fire at Pony. "You two were different. I don't know nothing about babies. I don't even know anything about Liz yet."

"Maybe you two could start small. Get a dog or something," he offered.

"Well, I was thinking about building her a porch swing."

Pony started laughing, and Soda coughed on his beer.

"You're kidding, right?"

"What?"

"I hate to be the one to break this to you, man," Soda said, "but … two completely different things."

"We'll get to it," Darry said, shaking his head. "Eventually."

It was nice to talk about _eventually__. _Soda just wished he could jump into a conversation that dealt with the definite future.

_I've been wondering,  
>If we stop sinking,<br>Could we stand our ground?_


	41. Once Upon Another Time

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders._ Sara Bareilles owns "Once Upon Another Time."**

* * *

><p><em>Once upon another time<br>Before I knew which life was mine  
>Before I left the child behind me,<br>I saw myself in summer nights  
>And stars lit up like candle lights<em>

**June 1969**_  
><em>

The house was so quiet when she walked in that she nearly turned around and left before Soda jumped out at her from the kitchen, scaring her half to death.

"You just about gave me a heart attack," she said, plopping onto the couch.

"Couldn't resist," he said, sitting down beside her.

She rolled her eyes at him. "Where is everyone?"

"Out. Pony's working and Darry and the girls are grocery shopping."

It made her sad that he was home alone when he only had a few days left, but he seemed fine. He actually seemed to be so much more like he was before Sandy left. She could practically feel him buzzing with life.

"You're in a good mood," she said.

"I figure I can't waste my time home in a bad mood. Doesn't do me any good."

What she wouldn't do to have an attitude like that. Nothing really awful had happened to her and she felt like all she was doing was moping, and here he was on the verge of heading to a jungle a half a world away and he was the happiest she'd seen him in a long time.

"Did you hear from Sandy while you were gone?" she asked, wondering if that was a source of his happiness.

He didn't even look the slightest bit dismayed when he said, "No, I wrote her a couple of letters but she never wrote back."

Ellie felt embarrassed and looked at her feet propped on the coffee table. "Sorry."

"Don't be. It's cool actually. I decided to write letters to Peter instead," he said. Ellie looked at him and noticed the pride in his eyes when he talked about his baby son. "That way I figure she won't throw them out, and maybe he'll find them one day and I know I cared something about him despite the way things turned out."

"That's really sweet, Soda," she said. She thought about the baby in the picture he showed her once, and she imagined he would carry that with him to Vietnam.

"It's the best I can do, I guess. The most she'll let me do for now."

"So, you and her are … ?"

"Done," he said. "I don't know, I kind of just realized at boot camp that I didn't really miss her all that much. So much is different now."

For a minute she studied him, trying to figure out if he was just lying to himself or if he was telling the truth. It was hard for her to imagine him not missing her. But there seemed to be relief in his eyes.

"You're okay?"

Soda looked right into her eyes when he said, "I don't know what I was hanging on to."

That statement was so hard for her to stomach that she looked away, her thoughts finding their way to Dally. She looked past her shoes and started reading the titles of the magazines near her feet: Readers Digest, TV Guide, Look. No matter how hard she had tried to suppress the guilt she felt over leaving Wade in the dust, she couldn't. Not when everything between her and Dally felt so different.

And quietly she said, "Me either."

"Have you heard from him?" His tone was sympathetic.

"I called him right before you guys came home just to see if he would come for a few hours and he turned me down." She sighed. "I really screwed up a lot of stuff going with him."

"Hey," he said, knocking her shoulder so she'd look at him, "maybe you were just setting things straight."

Ellie laughed at him. "How do you figure that?"

"I don't know. Maybe you just figured out what you actually wanted."

The answer was plainly Wade, but he wasn't an option anymore. At least she didn't believe that he was. She had hurt him too badly for him to even consider looking at her without hate in his eyes ever again. She was sure of it.

All she said was, "Sure."

"I know it's hard, but you'll land on your feet."

Ellie found an opportunity to change the subject and she said, "Keep on yours, okay?"

"Scouts honor," he said, holding up two fingers.

She shoved his arm. "You were never a Scout. Make a real promise."

His lips stretched into a broad grin. "Fine. I promise."

They both heard a car pull up and stop at the curb, and they looked through the window as Darry, Allison and Lizzie got out of the car. Darry walked around and unlocked the truck as Allison helped Lizzie out of the back.

"Will you promise _me_ something?"

Ellie focused back on Soda, saw the seriousness in his eyes and she nodded. "Anything."

"Keep in touch."

"Of course," she said.

"I mean it. I want letters from you. I know you're good at writing them even when you don't get a reply."

She knew Darry would write, but he probably wasn't the greatest pen pal. Pony would certainly write, but with him starting college in the fall and everything, she realized that he might not have as much time as usual.

"I promise," she said.

"Don't forget."

"I won't."

He was about to say something else when Darry opened the door and walked through, arms full of brown paper bags with Allison and Lizzie following behind. Lizzie had both arms wrapped around one bag she could barely see over.

"Need some help?" Soda asked, getting off the couch.

Ellie followed him and helped Lizzie carry her bag of groceries over to the kitchen table.

XXX

From her seat on the couch, she watched the kids eat the food she'd helped cook as they talked and laughed with each other. It didn't matter that two were headed off to war or that another was married. They would always be kids to her, even if her own was making her a grandmother a few years younger than she preferred. It was all well and good, though. Every single one of them looked happy even with such terrible things looming above them. Maybe, she figured, it was all of the terrible things they had already weathered that made them realize that they must make the most of the time they had.

All of them were stuffed in the tiny dining area. Girlfriends were on laps, a little girl was on broad shoulders, and Ellie was sharing a chair with Soda and looked like she might fall out of it every time Soda hollered when he won a hand.

Mack Randle sat beside her, offering her a bottle of beer that she took without a second thought. It was a celebration after all, and she was going to do her best to keep up with them.

"You wouldn't think anything was wrong with how they carry on," he said.

"They just know how to have a good time."

"Maybe too good of one."

Mack was a tired man, she could tell. Judging from what Two-Bit often told her, a sad man to boot. She watched him as he looked at Steve and patted his arm.

"He'll be okay."

He turned to her and said, "I just wish I woulda been a better dad to him all these years."

"It's not easy and especially not by yourself," she said. Lord, did she ever know how hard it was to raise kids on your own.

"It's going to be hard on his girl."

She had noticed the ring around Evie's neck and the way Steve's arm was around her the whole night. She wanted to tell him how it was going to be hard on him as well, but he knew that well enough.

"I'm glad they're on speaking terms," she said. "Two-Bit kept telling me how hard it was on Steve. He really loves her."

Mack rubbed at his nose and sipped his beer. After a minute, he nodded and said nothing. She went back to watching the ruckus at the table and couldn't help but smile when Soda shouted a curse and Two-Bit shushed him. They both looked to her to see if she'd heard and she raised her beer to them. Soda's cheeks turned bright red and he waved at her and turned back to his cards. She winked at her own son who winked back. She watched as he turned his attention to his girl, his Carolyn, as she said something to him. They both laughed and she did not miss the protective hand he placed on her still rather flat belly. In all her days, she never expected him to mature so much, but it made her happy to see that this boy of hers would never be like his own father.

"They're all good kids," she said.

"I can't really argue with that," Mack said. "Even if they've caused some gray hairs."

The card game must have ended judging how everyone stood up to stretch and find their way into the kitchen for drinks and more food. She excused herself and headed to the kitchen. There was a fresh cake on the counter and she moved about pulling down plates.

"Thanks for the help with the food tonight, Mrs. Mathews," Allison said, grabbing a handful of forks from the drawer.

"Happy to help, honey," she replied. Soda and Darry walked through the kitchen and to the back door and she hollered at them before they walked out. "Where are you two going?"

Soda grinned at her. "Be right back. Save us some big pieces."

She waved them on and cut large pieces for everyone.

XXX

Pony climbed into bed and watched Soda buzz around the room, trying to gather all of his things that had somehow managed to explode all over the room in the two short weeks since he had been home.

"How are you so messy?"

Soda crammed another shirt into his duffle and glanced back at him. "Hey, I wouldn't talk if I were you, buddy."

Pony glanced around the messy room. Even with Soda's things picked up, it was still a wreck. "Yeah, well, it was cleaner before you got home. Sort of."

Soda raised an eyebrow before he went back to packing.

"Maybe a little bit cleaner," Pony amended. Soda's back was to him and he watched his brother as he stuffed clothes into the bag. He felt so helpless right then, and so utterly selfish for getting to go to college when his happy-go-lucky brother was going somewhere that did not fit his personality.

"Are you scared, Soda?"

His brother turned around at the change in his tone. He sat back against the wall across from Pony.

"Yeah, I guess. As much as anybody would be going so far away. You know what I'm really scared about?"

"War?" Pony asked, trying to keep a teasing note in his voice, but it just fell heavy in the room.

Soda smirked. "Yeah, dummy, that's a given. I'm really scared to fly. Stupid, huh?"

Pony shrugged. He didn't think it sounded all that dumb. "I think that makes sense."

"I'm sort of itching to be there already. Not to, you know, kill anybody or anything …" Soda trailed off before he seemed to collect his thoughts. "It's just that the sooner I'm there, the sooner I'll be home again."

"It's gonna be a long year without you around." So much for keeping the conversation light. It was difficult swallowing past the lump in his throat.

"Imagine how long it's gonna be for Darry without either of us here."

Pony let his eyes wander up to the ceiling. Since Soda had been home, all he could worry about was Darry. "I know. I'm starting to think New York might've been a bad idea."

He flinched when Soda threw a dirty shirt at his head. He grabbed it and tossed it back.

"What?"

"Are you crazy?" Soda asked. "New York's a great idea. You earned it. Darry's gonna be just fine without us here. He deserves some peace and quiet after all these years of putting up with us."

"Yeah, I guess."

Soda climbed to his feet and glanced around the room one more time before he zipped his duffle. He hit the lights and climbed into bed, too. "I'm serious, Pony. Don't worry about it. You oughta be proud you have the chance to go. And when I get home, we'll tear up the whole city. They won't know what hit 'em."

Pony smiled up at the dark ceiling. He was too scared to mention anything about the future because until Vietnam was over, there may as well not be one, but anytime Soda mentioned it, especially with so much certainty, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his own shoulders.

"Yeah? What are we gonna do?"

"Well …" Soda was quiet for a minute. "I don't know. What's there to do?"

"I don't know, I haven't been yet."

"Then you better figure out what they have to offer before I get there."

"Deal," Pony promised.

They were quiet for so long, he was almost asleep when Soda spoke again.

"Do me a favor when I'm gone and before you leave, okay, Pone?"

"Sure, anything," he mumbled.

"Make up with Ellie."

That request seemed so out of the blue that Pony was still trying to find something to say when Soda went on.

"I know you're mad at her, but you guys have been friends for too long. I don't want you going off to the other side of the country without you two being friends again."

He was right, Pony was still mad at her. But at the same time, he really had no intention of leaving Tulsa without them at least being on better terms.

"Yeah, okay, Soda. I can do that."

"And I want you to mean it. I don't want you to only do it because I asked you too. You'll regret it if you leave when you're still mad at her."

He had kept his distance from Ellie since she came back from Windrixville because he was mad at the way she just ran off, the way she just left her own boyfriend standing there. He was mad at her because what she had done left Wade mad at him. They hadn't talked since that weekend, and it seemed pretty obvious that their friendship was beyond repair. His and Ellie's, though, had seen plenty of rough patches. They could muddle through this one too. He certainly hadn't planned on being the first one to make a move, but if that's what Soda wanted, he could manage it. Besides, he sort of felt sorry for her when Dally didn't follow her right back to Tulsa.

"Is she upset that Dally didn't come home?"

"I think the way things went was definitely not how she planned."

"She didn't plan them at all," he pointed out.

He felt Soda shrug beside him. "She knows she did a dumb thing, but we all have, right?"

Pony was silent, and Soda elbowed him in the side.

"I did something dumb once," he said. "Took a bus all the way to Florida to see someone that didn't want to see me. How about you?"

He was still silent, and Soda nudged him even harder in the ribs.

"'Yeah, Soda,'" Soda mimicked, "'One time I got in some trouble with my buddy and we ran from the cops and hopped a train and - '"

Pony couldn't help but laugh at his brother. He elbowed him back. "Yeah, yeah. I see what you're saying."

Soda laughed a little, too. "I'm just saying we all have our stupid moments."

He thought about his own that he shared with Johnny. Running off like that, getting in the fight with the Socs, all that. It was stupid, it was a terrible thing, but it didn't have to define him. That was one of the things he kept thinking about when it came to New York. He could go out there, and none of that would matter to the people he met. Not the way it mattered to the kids he knew in Tulsa.

"You've got my word that the two of us will make up. If she wants to, too, I guess."

"I'm almost positive she'll be happy to be on good terms with you again."

Pony thought about it for a second before he looked over at his brother in the darkness. "Did you make her promise the same thing?"

He could see Soda's smile even without the lights on. "No, I didn't. I just have a feeling."

XXX

Steve was certain in many ways that it wasn't a good idea to spend a whole night with Evie considering the way things had been going for them, but he was regretting nothing with the way she was curled around him in his bed. Even though it was so dark in his room, he traced her soft features with the little bit of light coming from the streetlamp a few houses down. He memorized the way her hair fell across her cheek and the way her perfume smelled, because this was a memory he was taking with him.

With soft fingers, he brushed her dark locks away from her cheeks, but he woke her up just the same. She looked at him, her gaze lingering in his eyes, and then snuggled closer to him.

"I do love you," she said. "Always have."

"Always will," he finished for her.

XXX

The bus had barely pulled away from the station, heading for some airfield that would take them to the Golden Coast and then to God only knew where, and Pony felt a pit in his stomach. He just stood there, feeling empty and praying to God nothing happened to the big brother that he had always admired and envied. He couldn't imagine a more hollow feeling, and he didn't want to, either. Glancing back at Darry, he could tell he wasn't alone.

Darry just rested a heavy hand on his shoulder. Pony expected him to say something, some words of assurance that Soda was going to be just fine and he would come home safe. Instead, Darry didn't say anything at all, and Pony was grateful. He wasn't sure he could handle an empty promise like that.

When he finally found the energy to move again, Darry turned with him, and he found that their friends had made their way back into the parking lot of the bus station, giving them some room to breathe.

"He made me promise to make up with Ellie," Pony finally said.

"I think that's a good idea."

"Yeah. Me too. Did he make you promise something?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Just the way he asked me. I have a feeling he asked everybody something."

Darry smiled a little and glanced over at Pony. "He made me promise that I wouldn't build Allison a porch swing."

Pony grinned. "That's good."

"I think his exact words were, 'What? Are you two 100 years old? Get her a dog.'"

"He's right."

"I still don't know. Maybe we'll start with a cat."

When they made it over to their friends, Pony noticed Ellie was standing at the edge of the group, looking his way like she wanted to ask him something. She seemed to finally get the nerve because she took his arm and pulled him off to the side.

"You wanna go get some lunch?" she asked. She seemed almost embarrassed. "Just you and me? If you feel like it, I mean."

He nodded. "I was about to ask you the same thing."

That seemed to be all she needed to hear because she looked relieved. He figured things wouldn't be back to normal with them, not for a long time, but it was definitely a step in the right direction.

_I make my wish but mostly I believed  
>In yellow lines and tire marks,<br>Sun-kissed skin and handlebars  
>And where I stood was where I was to be.<em>


	42. Everyone Knows

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. The Fray owns "Over My Head."**

* * *

><p><em>Everyone knows I'm in over my head,<br>Over my head_

_July 1969  
><em>

Allison had picked up a shift at the hospital, and Pony was out with Ellie, so that just left Darry and Lizzie to entertain themselves.

In the time he had been with Allison and gotten to know Lizzie, he found it surprisingly how easy it was to take care of her. He was used to two rambunctious brothers, but she was nothing like them at all. She liked her dolls and her coloring books and playing house. She liked naming her stuffed animals and carrying them around the house while trying to walk in her momma's high heels. She was low maintenance compared to Soda and Pony when they were little.

But even as Darry sat on the living room floor with her, coloring in one of her books like she had asked him to, he found himself struggling to focus on anything besides the fact that his brother was flying halfway around the world, and there was a very real possibility that he would never see him again. When he made himself stop thinking about Soda, he would start thinking about how before long, Pony would be half way across the country going to school.

He snapped himself out of it when Lizzie nudged him.

"I said, 'Did you see my picture?'" she repeated, an exasperated tone in her voice. She was obviously annoyed that she had to ask more than once.

"That's great," he said. "You want to hang it up on the refrigerator?"

She nodded eagerly, and he was back in her good graces.

"You want to go on an adventure with me, Liz?" he asked as he taped up the picture.

That immediately got her attention. "What kind of an adventure?"

"Well, it's going to be a surprise for Momma. What do you think?"

He had her at the word 'surprise.' Before he knew it, she had him by the hand, pulling him to the front door.

XXX

Packing wasn't difficult for him. Dally was leaving Windrixville with a more few clothing items than he arrived with. All that he owned was in a small heap on the bed, ready to be stuffed into anything he could fit it in.

There was a knock and then Lane walked into the room, holding out a green canvas sack.

"Need this?"

"Sure," Dally said, avoiding his eyes. He took the bag and stuffed his life into it, highly aware that Lane was just standing there watching him. Dally kept the two letters at the bottom well hidden from the old man, and stuffed them deep into the sides.

"Did you tell Ellie you were heading back?"

"Yeah," he lied.

"That's real good, Dally." He set his cane against the wall and fished in his breast pocket. Out of the corner of his eye Dally saw the old man was handing something to him. "This is for you."

Now Dally looked at him and the envelope he was holding out between them. Lane held it up a little higher and Dally accepted it and looked inside. It was filled with cash. It looked like about as much as Buck would haul in on a good race night.

"What's this for?"

"You've worked hard around here, boy. I'm willin' to bet the hardest you've ever worked in your whole life, and I'm not about to short change you for all of it," he said. Lane laid a hand on Dally's shoulder, and he met the old timer's eyes. "You earned it."

With an awkwardly appreciative nod, Dally said, "Thanks."

"I have one more thing for you."

He dropped the envelope into the sack with everything else. "What's that?"

All he heard was the jingle of keys. He looked up again, more skeptical than before. Lane smiled broadly and took Dally's hand and set the keys into it.

"You serious?"

"You need it. And I'm willing to guess you want and need this more than money."

Dally felt the key in his hand, squeezed it tight and briefly wondered what Lane would possibly drive if he took the truck.

"I've got a deal on another truck," he said, reading his mind. "The neighbor's kid is bringing it by tomorrow."

It did not go so far over Dally's head that this was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. This was also not the first time he'd noticed this about Lane. His old timer of an uncle, his father's brother, was absolutely nothing like his old man. Of all of the things in his life, this was the hardest thing for him to grasp was someone like Lane doing anything but regard him with deep seeded anger. Charlie Winston was a deadbeat, and Dally knew he wasn't all that far off, so for Lane to give him a chance was more than he had ever really expected.

"Thanks, Lane."

"You're welcome, son. I like to see that you've landed on your feet after all."

Lane left him with a pat on his shoulder and a little bit of privacy as he finished packing. Dally sat on the bed and ran a hand through his hair. With money and a car, he really could go anywhere.

XXX

He opened the door to the Tulsa pound, and Lizzie was squealing with anticipation. He hadn't even told her where they were going, but as soon as she heard the dogs barking, she was bouncing with excitement. He had to pick her up to ensure she didn't go running off without him.

There was a man at the front desk that greeted them.

"Hi," Darry said. "I was wondering if we could see the cats you have here."

"Dogs," Lizzie said.

He smiled a little at the guy behind the counter and looked at Lizzie. "Let's look at the cats first, okay?"

She shook her head, a serious look on her face that made her look like a miniature of Allison. "Dogs."

The man leaned on the counter and spoke to Lizzie. "How about we take a peek at the cats first? And if there aren't any that catch your eye, we'll see about the dogs?"

She seemed to consider her options and glanced back at Darry. "Okay."

He smiled and led them through a door and down a corridor. The barking was louder, and Lizzie grinned back at Darry. He had a feeling that bringing her along was maybe the biggest mistake of his life.

There were rows and rows of cages, all filled with cats, none of which Darry knew anything about. Some had short hair and some had long hair, but besides that, he was clueless.

"Look at that one," Darry said, pointing to a brown and black striped cat. "She's pretty."

Lizzie shrugged. "She's okay."

That seemed to be her reaction to every cat Darry pointed out. There was a long haired white cat that she ooh-ed over, but the cat hissed at them and made Lizzie forget she liked it.

Darry thought he lucked out when they made it to the end of a row and found a kitten in the last cage. It was a tiny little thing that was just a little black furball. It was full of energy, patting at Lizzie through the cage door and making her giggle.

He grinned in relief at the man that had been guiding them around, and the guy stepped up to the cage.

"Do you want to play with Daisy?" he asked.

Lizzie shook her head, a smile still on her face. "I want to see the dogs."

The guy looked at Darry who just shrugged. It was definitely a mistake to bring Lizzie along.

He followed the guy out of the room, down another corridor and was about to open another door when Lizzie struggled to get out of his arms.

"Okay," he said, putting her down, "but you can't put your fingers in these cages like you did with the cats."

She nodded as the guy opened the door. Darry didn't need to worry about her fingers being bitten off because as soon as they stepped into the dog portion of the pound, the dogs went crazy barking and Lizzie's hands flew to her ears. He looked down at her to see if she wanted to leave, but she had a huge grin on her face, even as she cringed from the dog beside them yapping.

"I think we're going to end up with a dog," Darry yelled over the din of barks.

The guy smiled and knowingly nodded his head.

XXX

A rock was stuck in her shoe and Ellie grabbed Pony's arm to steady her as she pulled it off and shook it out. She worked it back on and let go of him.

"Thanks," she said, as they started on their way again.

"Sure."

They had their lunch the day the boys left and now they were hanging out. Things were definitely still cracked, but they were starting to heal. Maybe it was because they both realized they just needed to cut it out and be friends again.

But he was still going to leave. Friends or not, he still wasn't going to be around much for her to lean on.

"Have you been over to Two-Bit's place yet?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Not yet. I'm sure he'll throw some party to get everyone over."

"Yeah, probably a baby shower."

It made her laugh a little, especially at how confused he seemed about the whole thing.

"Probably."

They kept walking back toward their neighborhood. They had gone to a movie, and even though it was something they used to do all the time, she felt like it was his idea so they wouldn't have to talk too much. He had still never asked her about Dally and barely mentioned Wade when they had talked. It was okay, though. She didn't want to talk about them either.

"Want to do anything this weekend?" she asked.

"We can. Anything in mind?"

"No, but I'm sure we can think of something."

They were coming up on the lot and they both walked by without saying anything. Ellie walked by without looking.

When they had walked another block, he stopped and said, "You coming over for dinner?"

"Not tonight. I need to get home. You know, babysitting and all."

"You can bring him over. Darry and Allison don't care."

She knew, but she was tired. Taking Danny over there for a few hours would wind him up and wear her down even more, and she'd never get him to bed.

"I know. Maybe another night."

"Okay," he said. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking like he was going to turn and go, when he added, "You promise, right?"

For a minute, he seemed like the kid she used to know. The one who used to be filled with such quiet hope and innocence just like her.

"I promise."

XXX

Darry opened the front door, surprised to find Allison coming down the hallway.

"What are you doing home so early?"

"Another girl split the shift with me, so I got out a few hours early. Where have you guys been?"

He was still standing half in the house and half on the porch, trying to come up with some sort of explanation when Lizzie walked past him, their new little dog close on her heels.

Allison let out a little gasp, her face lighting up. "What's this all about?"

"He's for you, Mommy!" Lizzie squealed, the little scruffy thing wandering around the living room.

Allison looked at Darry, and he nodded. "It was supposed to be a surprise. We were going to get him all settled in before you got home."

"He's so cute," she said, picking him up. His tail thumped at her side. "What is he?"

"A beagle."

"Mixed with something else since he's so scruffy," Lizzie said, repeating what the man at the pound had told them.

"Does he have a name?"

"Not yet," Darry said.

"Well, that's the first thing he needs. What do you think, Liz?"

She thought quietly for a long moment before a decisive look fell across her face. "Fish."

"Fish?" Allison asked. "But he's a dog."

"I want to name him Fish."

"But you can't name him after another animal," Darry said.

"Why not?"

"It doesn't make sense."

"I don't care. I like it."

Darry smirked over her head at Allison who grinned. "How about we try something else?"

"Okay … Princess."

Allison giggled and the dog licked her in the face. "But he's a boy!"

"But I like Princess."

"How about something else?" Darry asked. "Something like Buddy."

Lizzie wrinkled her nose as if that were the worst name she had ever heard. "I don't like that."

"But it's what he'll be. He'll be your buddy."

"I like Princess."

"We can't name him Princess," Darry said. He stopped himself from continuing, realizing he was arguing with a child. "Let's sleep on it before we decide anything."

"I want to get him some water."

Allison put the puppy back on the floor. "I'll help you." She leaned into Darry before she got up. "This was a good surprise."

"Yeah? I was trying for a cat, but Lizzie wouldn't have any of that."

She grinned. "I bet. He's perfect."

"You just need to convince her not to name him Princess. Or Fish. Please."

"What were the names of the dogs you've had?"

"The first was Buddy. And the next was Buddy, too."

"Buddy 2? Is this Buddy 3?"

He smiled. "Very funny."

"I'm with Lizzie on that one. I don't like it."

The front door opened and Pony walked in. He was about to say something when the puppy came running his way.

"Whoa. Who's this?"

"Princess."

"Buddy."

Pony glanced between Lizzie and Darry then looked at Allison.

"There's a dispute about that," she said. "Maybe you can help us."

"Well, we've already had a Buddy," he told Darry.

Darry held up two fingers. "Two. One was before you came along, though."

"All the more reason to name this guy something different." He glanced at the dog and turned to Lizzie. "But Princess might be too different considering he's a boy."

"What do you know about _too _different, _Ponyboy_?" Darry asked with a wink.

Pony frowned at his brother. "On the other hand, I might be on Lizzie's side."

"Careful about picking sides," he warned. "The other option is Fish."

Pony considered the names with a grin on his face.

"You're the writer here," Allison said. "You've got to know some good names."

He thought a while longer before he picked up the dog and reached for Lizzie's hand. "I think I've got an idea. What if we take a look at your books and see if we can find any good names in there?"

She lit up at that suggestion. She started spouting off some of the books Allison and Darry read to her at bedtime.

"What about your Raggedy Ann book?" Pony asked. "That's your favorite, right? Maybe we could call him Andy."

They walked into Lizzie's room before Darry heard her reaction, but he was already relieved the poor dog wasn't going to be named Princess or Fish.

XXX

There was a crumpled envelope on the kitchen table with her name on it. Ellie stared at it for a few seconds before she picked it up to closer examine the handwriting. It was unfamiliar yet recognizable at the same time. The writing was messy and the house number was wrong. There was no return address, but she had a feeling. No matter how unlikely it was, she had a feeling it was from Dally.

Abigail walked into the kitchen and grabbed her purse from the counter.

"Mrs. Evans down the street brought that over today. Said she'd had it for a few days, trying to figure out who it went to."

"Oh?" Ellie said, barely registering what she said.

"Who's it from?"

"Probably no one."

She shook her head and continued on, saying, "I'm working late, but Jimmy might get off early. Danny needs dinner and a bath."

"Okay."

"I'll see you later."

Ellie didn't even tell her bye. She just waited until the door closed and went down the hall to check on Danny with the unopened envelope in her hand.

The little tyke was playing with blocks and cars on the floor of his room and gave her a big smile when she walked in. He got up and gave her a hug and went back to his toys.

Standing there, Ellie slid a finger under the seal and opened it. Inside there was one piece of lined paper ripped from a notebook. She unfolded it, and all it had was one line.

_I didn't use you._

It was unsigned, but she still knew it was from Dally. All he had given her was one line after the hundreds she had written him, and the two days she spent with him that unraveled everything she had worked so hard for.

Those two days had cost her so much and it had taken him a month to even acknowledge her again. The problem though, was that she still felt used. No amount ink could convince her otherwise if he never came around again.

XXX

A firm handshake and a reassuring nod was how Dally told his uncle goodbye. Lane told him to come up whenever he wanted, and Dally said that he would, but he didn't promise to. Maybe someday he would end up back on this little farm, but he didn't plan on it.

In the passenger seat sat all of his possessions in the green sack and he got behind the wheel, starting up the old truck. It rumbled to life and Dally gave one quick wave before he headed down the long gravel driveway without looking back. Even though the man had done so much for him, Dally had lied to him. It wasn't that he felt bad about lying, at least not before he gave him a bundle of money and a vehicle. There was still enough of his old self left that he could just grit his teeth and not give two shits about it all.

Even as he drove through the heart of Windrixville one last time and turned on the highway in the opposite direction of Tulsa, he didn't let himself feel anything. Everything he needed to be away from was behind him. The letter would hopefully soothe whatever he had done to Ellie, and Lane would realize that he never should have expected anything out of him in the first place.

There was nothing ahead of him and Dally felt the pressures that had been mounting on his shoulders suddenly lift away into oblivion.

He didn't know where the hell he was going, but he felt free for the first time in his life.

_And suddenly I become part of your past,  
>I'm becoming the part that don't last,<br>I'm losing you and it's effortless._


	43. Too Much Drift in the Dam

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. First Aid Kit owns "Dance to Another Tune."**

* * *

><p><em>It's not the world that's spinning, that's me<br>I go from nowhere to nowhere searching for the key  
>There's nothing new under the sun<br>All that will happen has already begun_

**July 18, 1969**

Home from work, Ellie dropped her stuff by the front door and went into the kitchen. For as late as it was, she knew she should be hungry, but she was really only tired. The sun was still setting, and she grimaced at the thought of going to bed while it was still light. She knew she needed to though; she had felt like this all week long, and it seemed like only sleeping helped.

She shut the cabinet she was looking in and walked down the hall. She noticed the bathroom light was on and the door was ajar, but she didn't hear anyone inside even when she knocked.

"Mom?"

There was no answer so she knocked again. She pushed the door open and found her mom lying on the floor. Quickly she rushed into the tiny space,and fell on her knees at her side.

"Mom? Momma?"

She shook her by the shoulders until she opened her eyes. They were red and bloodshot, but Ellie breathed a sigh of relief when her eyes stayed open. There was a hatbox filled with papers and pictures at her feet.

"El," was all she said.

Ellie noticed the smell before she saw the vomit on the toilet seat. Leaning forward, she grabbed a washcloth from the tub and ran it under cool water from the sink. Gently she washed her mother's face, wiping carefully at her mouth. She noticed the nearly empty liquor bottle beside her on the floor.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asked.

"Mmm."

It came out as more of a moan than a statement, and Ellie sighed to herself.

"I'm gonna go get you some pajamas and I'll help you into bed," she said, brushing her hair off of her forehead. The bottle blonde job was growing back to the same mousey brown as her own hair.

Ellie got back to her feet and quietly walked down the hallway toward Danny's room. Pushing the door open slowly so it didn't creak, she crept inside far enough to make sure he was asleep in his bed, and she held her breath to hear him breathe. From the lights in the hallway, she could see his little belly rise and fall and she was satisfied that he was okay. She tiptoed out and closed the door.

In her mom's room, she dug through drawers of clothes that were put away haphazardly and pulled out a nightgown.

Back in the bathroom, Abigail hadn't moved at all. She was still lying awkwardly on her side, curled around the toilet. Setting the clean nightgown to the side, Ellie went to work pulling her up. Her mother was dead weight. Ellie couldn't shake her awake enough to help her, and she had to pull and tug her until she was sitting up and leaning against the wall. Fighting her own frustrations and the prick of tears in her eyes, Ellie worked on getting her undressed. She thought fighting with Danny to get a shirt over his head was difficult. Working to get her mother's dead arms through the holes was ten times worse.

When she finally worked the shirt off, she froze for a moment, staring hard at matching bruises on either of her thin upper arms. Her mother was only a hair bigger than she was, and it didn't take much to do a lot of damage. There wasn't anything else on her front, and Ellie carefully pulled her forward to look at her back. There was a dark bruise just below her shoulder; it looked nearly as fresh as the ones on her arms.

Goosebumps pimpled all over her skin and Ellie made herself quit gawking and worked to get the nightgown on. She pulled off her pants as well and forced her awake again. She helped her to her feet, and Ellie nearly carried her all the way to her bed.

Abigail collapsed into the blankets. Ellie tucked them in around her and kept watch as she lay there. In her life, she had seen Abby in some pretty bad spots, but she never remembered seeing her mom so vulnerable. She had always been so carefree and so bitter at the same time. Her mom was tough and distant. For the first time, she was seeing the teenager that had gotten herself in over her head, and Ellie climbed into the bed beside her and smoothed her hair. After a few minutes, Abby's body was racked with a heavy sob. Ellie pulled her closer, hugging her mother desperately.

"What is it?" she asked. "Momma?"

All she could think about were the bruises, and she felt sick to her stomach. Things weren't always smooth between her mother and Jimmy, but Ellie hated herself for not noticing things had gotten worse. She was never home and she had forgotten in the wake of Jimmy being good with Danny, he was still as lousy a husband as he ever was.

"It's okay," Ellie told her in her ear. "It's okay."

She was still crying, hot tears hitting Ellie's arm.

"I loved him," she said, her voice raspy. "Why'd he do it?"

Ellie had no idea what she was talking about.

"Jimmy? He's a jerk, Momma. He shouldn't have done this."

"No," she wept. "Your daddy. I gave him everything."

In her entire 18 years, Ellie had never really heard her talk about her father. Abigail was careful not to bring him up, and Ellie knew better than to ask about him.

"He promised it'd be okay. He said we'd get married and he'd take care of the baby. He loved me."

The way she went on, choking through her own sobs, was starting to break Ellie down. Hearing her do this now, after 18 years, was the worst thing she had ever heard. She had kept it bottled in, looking for happiness anywhere she could.

"Don't do this," Ellie pleaded with her quietly. "Please don't."

XXX

After a while, Abigail fell into a deep sleep and Ellie left her alone in the room. She went back to the bathroom to finish cleaning the mess. She kept eying the hatbox and finally dropped the rag back in the tub and picked it up. It was familiar; it had been on the top shelf of her mom's closet for as long as she could remember, but she had never asked about it. Ellie had never even snooped to see what was in it. But now that she picked up the picture on top, she knew what it was. It was all her mom had of the boy who got away from her.

Tony Holden was handsome and obviously rich. In the picture, he was wearing a letterman's sweater and flashing a winning smile. He was her father, she knew, but he was never anyone she was openly worried about. As far as she was concerned, she never had a father. She didn't even look like him. Ellie favored her mother so much that they sometimes were confused as sisters.

Ellie carried the box into her room and sat on her bed with the door closed, carefully looking through everything. There were pictures cut from a yearbook, newspaper articles about his football days at Will Rogers, and dozens of tiny mementos she would never ask her mom about. Every piece had to do with her Tony Holden.

The one picture that made her stop was a picture of the two of them, the only one she could find in the whole box. Abigail's head tucked perfectly in his arm that was around her. She was looking up at him with a smile Ellie had never seen. He was looking at the camera with that same smile he'd used in every other picture. She was just a girl. Young, completely carefree and head-over-heels for a boy that would eventually leave her. Abigail couldn't have been more than 17 in the picture, and possibly even already pregnant.

When she flipped the picture over, she found a little note in her mom's handwriting that read, "You know I love you. Don't forget about me. Abby."

But he did forget about her. He forgot about her right about the time he was ready to head off to college, and she was pregnant with Ellie. It was a sad story that never truly affected her, or at least never left her with anything worth missing. It wasn't like Two-Bit who knew what it was like to have a lousy father that just up and left, or like Johnny who had two parents that didn't care, or even like Pony who had his taken away from him. A father was a complete blank spot in her life. A spot that didn't need filled and probably never would.

She turned the picture back over and studied it a little longer. Ellie had never considered her mom anything other than what she was, which was mostly oblivious and unhappy, but in reality, she was heartbroken. It was clearly a heartbreak she had never gotten over. She had to wonder if she was a constant reminder.

All she knew for certain was that since Danny was born, Abigail hadn't been the same. She had become even more distant than usual, to the point that every now and then she wouldn't even get out of bed. She drank more, and Ellie had a feeling that had something to do with the bruises Jimmy left on her. She occasionally had good days, sometimes for a whole week at a time. Those had gotten few and far between, though, and Ellie wanted to kick herself for only noticing that in hindsight.

Shaking her head, Ellie stuffed everything back in the box and dropped it on the floor. She curled up under the blankets in her dark room. All she could think about was herself and Dally. Maybe her mom had been blindsided by the fact Tony dumped her and left her alone with a baby. There was probably no reason for her to think that Tony was a bad guy, not the way Ellie should have always been wary of Dally. All things considered, her mom as a teenager had made better choices in the boys she dated than Ellie ever had, and it still hadn't worked out.

The longer she lay there thinking despite the sleep tugging at her eyes, something gnawed at her. She pictured her mom alone with no one to turn to when Tony left. A girl in trouble, and nothing going for her. A teenager with a baby.

A feeling deep in the pit of her stomach hit her with such nervous force that she sat up. Ice gripped her heart, and her blood ran cold.

There was no way.

Jumping out of bed, she turned on the light and grabbed at the calendar on the wall. She yanked it free from the tack which flew past her head. Quickly she turned the glossy pages back to May. For a minute, she just stared at it. Prom was May 24 and the night she left Wade. The next two days were when she stayed in Windrixville with Dally. That was almost two whole months ago.

"Oh my God," she muttered.

Frantically she flipped the pages of the calendar, trying to remember the last time she had her period. She had been such a wreck between Wade and Dally and the boys leaving that she struggled to remember, but at the same time she knew. She just knew.

She placed a shaking hand on her belly, still impossibly flat, and gritted her teeth against an onslaught of hot tears. Holding back the tears, she let out her panic and frustration and swiped everything off her desk.

A teenager with a baby.

XXX

The car was flying down the dusty two lane highway, and Ellie had to tell herself to slow down before she killed herself. Her mind was racing, and she had no idea what she was doing. She had barely slept the night before, and she felt jittery from panic.

She wasn't sure where she got the nerve to go to Steve's house and ask his dad if she could borrow Steve's car, but she was glad she did. He seemed so confused by the request that he gave her the keys without asking too many questions, and she was grateful for that because she wouldn't have had any answers for him.

She didn't understand how just a few months ago, she was with Wade and happy, and everything was just fine. Then all of a sudden, everything was turned upside down again. It didn't surprise her that Dally helped with that, but she knew most of it was her own fault. She had a hell of a track record for screwing up, but this one topped them all.

_If_, she thought to herself. Nothing was for sure yet. She had to go to a doctor, talk to somebody who knew better than she did, because she didn't know anything, not yet.

She gripped the steering wheel tighter, unable to quell the anxiety that was coursing through her body. All the signs pointed to something she was completely unprepared for and something that was her own stupid fault.

As she hit Windrixville's city limits, she pulled off to the side of the road. She wiped at her face, unsure of just how long she had been crying. She wondered if she had been crying when she asked to borrow Steve's car. Maybe that was why there hadn't been any questions.

Taking deep breaths, Ellie tried to think of what she was going to say to Dallas. Just thinking about seeing him face to face made her cry harder. She had considered calling him but knew he could easily just hang up on her. It would be harder for him to avoid her if she went to Lane's house, but she also knew it was Dally and pushing her right out the front door wouldn't be all that difficult for him.

She sobbed into her hands at the thought.

XXX

After collecting her thoughts and losing her lunch by the side of the road, she finally drove to Lane's. She wasn't positive she was heading in the right direction at first, but things began looking familiar. At the sight of the long driveway, her hands started shaking again and her stomach lurched.

The truck parked by his house looked different than she remembered, newer maybe, but she dismissed it. The pickup truck was the least of her concerns when Dally picked her up.

She walked up to the house, wringing her hands. The wait for the door to open after she knocked was somehow the longest and shortest minute of her entire life, and she was both pleased and disappointed when Lane opened the door.

"Ellie," he said, a flash of something, maybe concern, crossing his face as he opened the door to invite her in. "What brings you here?"

It took her a moment to find her voice as she stood in the small room, and when she did, it was hoarse. "Is Dally here?"

Lane frowned as he stared at her. "No, he left a couple weeks ago."

She felt her stomach lurch again as she fought for something to say. "Weeks ago?"

"He told me he was going back to Tulsa. Said he told you."

She shook her head, trying not to cry again. "No. He didn't tell me anything."

Lane studied her, looking like he was trying to come up with some sort of explanation. "Maybe he just had some things to take care of before he went home."

She thought of all the things Dally would have to take care of and nothing came to mind except breaking her heart, and she knew from experience that he could do that without even trying.

She stood there in panicked silence, trying to figure out what she was supposed to do now.

"Are you all right, honey?" Lane reached for her arm. "You look a little pale."

"I need to go."

"Why don't you have a seat? Maybe eat something. You look like you're going to be sick."

She just shook her head, backing to the door and heading for Steve's car. Lane called something to her, but she slammed the door and started up the engine. All she wanted to do was get out of his driveway and out of Windrixville before she threw up again.

XXX

With the dust of Windrixville far behind her, but the country smell still in her hair, Ellie sat alone on her bed staring at the one line Dally had ever written her. She read it over and over again. He said he didn't use her, but why did he sleep with her and then skip town?

Crumpling the letter in her hand she said to the walls, "Yes you did."

It was getting dark, and she was late for dinner at Two-Bit and Carolyn's. She promised him she'd come, but she couldn't get out of it. So, she stood there staring at her sickly pale reflection. She had somehow lost the energy to cry even though it was the only thing she wanted to do. She did her makeup, hoping it made her look like normal. She couldn't tell anybody what was going on, even if she wanted to. All there would be were I-told-you-so's and pitiful looks.

She decided the only thing she could do was go to the party, talk and smile and make like everything was fine. What other choice did she have?

XXX

Their new place was almost too small for the amount of people that were over. Allison and Carolyn were both on the couch talking about babies with Lizzie in between them adding as much to the conversation as the other two. Darry was sitting on a kitchen chair and suddenly looked bewildered before he got up and walked Two-Bit's way.

"What's wrong, Dar?" he asked, giving him a playful punch. "Don't like baby talk?"

"Just when it starts involving me."

"You're going to have to start having them sooner or later."

Darry gave him a grin and said, "I like the later."

Pony came out of the bathroom from the hallway behind them and stood there as well.

"Why are we standing here?"

Two-Bit grinned. "Darry doesn't want to talk about babies."

With a shake of his head, Pony moved by them and found a seat on the floor. Lizzie went right to him and parked herself on his lap. She had a doll and a toy horse she was telling him about. Within seconds, she forced the horse into his hands, and he started parading it around the doll.

"How much longer until he leaves?" Two-Bit asked, heading into the kitchen. He pulled two beers from the fridge, popped them open and handed Darry one. He couldn't help but notice the sad expression on his face.

"Three weeks. He wants to head out early and find a job," Darry said. "I don't even know where he's going to stay."

"Ain't they got dorms there?"

"Yeah, but I don't know how early he can move in."

"He's a big kid now, Darry. He'll figure it all out. I think he learned how to use his head after all."

This elicited a laugh from Darry and a broad smile. He set a hand on Two-Bit's shoulder. "I guess that means we can all say that you finally grew up, too."

With a sigh, he said, "I guess so."

There was a knock at the door and Two-Bit motioned for the girls to stay seated and he answered it. Ellie was standing out in the hallway, one arm crossed over her middle and holding her elbow. Her skin seemed to be a sickly shade of gray, and she didn't smile.

"Hey, sorry I'm late."

Two-Bit looked her over. "You okay?"

The fakest smile he'd ever seen crossed her lips, and she said, "I'm fine."

He stood there and looked at her, trying to see through the lie, but she wasn't budging.

"Can I come in?"

"Well, sure," he said, standing aside and letting her in. Everyone waved and told her hello. She moved to the center of the room and sat beside Pony on the floor.

At once Allison and Carolyn started talking to her like girls do, and Ellie gave one word responses to every answer. There was no life in her.

For a while, everything was fine. Everyone carried on conversation and ate and drank, just having a good time, but it wasn't lost on Two-Bit that Ellie didn't do anything. She didn't touch her food or the beer he gave her. She kept on with the short answers and the fake smiles.

It wasn't until everyone was going to leave that Two-Bit stopped her. He waited until everyone was down the hall and Carolyn headed for the bathroom and quietly asked her, "What's up?"

Without any attempt to beat around the bush, she said, "I got a letter from Dally so I went to Windrixville to see him. He left."

"Where?"

She shrugged. "He left two weeks ago and said he was coming here."

In two weeks Two-Bit hadn't heard anything about Dallas being back in town, and that would be something he would know.

"He's not here. He wouldn't come back here just to hide, so he's just gone."

That was it then. Two-Bit now understood how much she banked on him coming home, and he had split town again without a word. It was getting really hard for Two-Bit to keep backing Dally, and seeing her like this was pushing him over an edge.

"It's okay," she said, suddenly vigorous, almost laughing it off. "It's fine. It's typical, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he replied.

Once again with a fake smile on her face, she gave him a hug. "Great party. I love the apartment."

"Thanks, El." Letting of her, he said, "Take care of yourself, okay? You don't need him, you know?"

She nodded and waved goodbye as she headed down the hallway. When he shut the door and went back inside, Carolyn was sitting on the couch staring at him.

"Is she okay?"

"I have no idea."

There was something off about her, that was for sure, and it didn't surprise Two-Bit that Dally was somehow behind it.

_Everything gets tiresome,  
>Everything grows old<br>With each secret revealed,  
>There's another to be told.<br>_


	44. Caught Like a Wildfire Out of Control

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Bob Seger owns "Against the Wind."**

* * *

><p><strong>July 1969<strong>_  
><em>

_I wish I didn't know now  
>What I didn't know then<br>_

She tried to think of what she could do, but she knew her options were limited. She couldn't just get rid of it. Even though she was sure she could find someone in Tulsa who knew of a place that handled situations like hers, Ellie knew she would never be able to come up with the money. But part of her knew she would never be able to go through with it either. Maybe because she was the result of an unplanned pregnancy that she couldn't help thinking that giving up on it was more than a little unfair. It wasn't its fault it was there. It was hers.

Out in the living room, she could hear her mom playing with Danny, and Ellie got out of bed and went to join them.

She sat on the couch without a word and just watched as Danny pushed trucks across the floor, making noises and crashing them into the ones her mom was driving.

"Here Ellie. You have this one," he said, holding out a big yellow dump truck with two hands.

Moving to the floor, she sat beside her mom and pushed the truck around and letting Danny crash his into hers.

"What's wrong with you?"

Without looking at Abby, Ellie said, "Nothing."

"You've been locked in your room all day."

Ellie brushed off the comment and reiterated herself, but even as her mom went back to paying attention to Danny, Ellie thought about telling her. It wouldn't be too much longer before she wouldn't even be able to hide it anymore.

Staring at her mom, Ellie knew she was looking at herself in 18 years. A tired, spent woman with nothing better to show for her life than a house left to her by her grandmother and a marriage that probably wouldn't last.

There was also a problem with Jimmy. If he found out she was pregnant she could almost count on the fact that he would kick her out. That was a whole new set of problems she wasn't ready to handle.

Instead of spilling her guts, she kept quiet until she could figure a few things out for herself. Or until Dally came back. Not that she expected him to, or that he would do anything that would help her.

XXX

Pony skimmed through the list of things he had made for his move to New York. It was overwhelming and expensive, and he was starting to think he had made a mistake.

He looked at the stacks of bed sheets in front of him, more frightened than he had been in a long time. He was only snapped out of it when Two-Bit waved a hand in front of his face.

"You've been staring at those sheets longer than I stare at most girls," he said. "And it's kind of creepy."

Pony glanced over at him. "Yeah, it is kind of creepy how long you stare at girls."

Two-Bit frowned. "Really, kid. What's the big deal about these sheets?"

He stared at everything in front of him. "I don't know."

Two-Bit looked at the prices on all of them and grabbed one set. "Here. Cheapest ones."

Pony took them reluctantly.

"Hey, man, I was just kidding," Two-Bit said, trying to take them back. "You don't have to buy the cheapest ones if you don't want them."

"No, these are fine."

"Really, Pony, it's a free country."

Pony put the sheets back on the counter and walked down the aisle. Two-Bit struggled a little to catch up.

"What's up, Pony?"

There were a ton of things spinning through his head at that moment, not least of which was the possibility that he was making the biggest and scariest mistake of his life. He thought back on his decision to go to New York, which hadn't come lightly, and he couldn't remember how he had made that decision. It was going to be far away, it was going to be expensive, it was going to be lonely. Why was he going?

Glancing up at Two-Bit, he knew he couldn't dump all of that on him. Instead he shrugged. "Just nervous."

"Yeah, I get that," he replied with a nod. "You're gonna do great though. You've got the school thing down pat. If Darry's rubbed off on you at all, you know how to work hard and finding a job while you're there'll be easy. What else is there to worry about?"

"Meeting people."

Two-Bit stopped dead in his tracks and gestured to himself. "Have I taught you nothing?"

"You've taught me a whole lot about getting into trouble."

"Yeah, and that's how you meet people."

The seriousness of his tone was enough to make Pony lighten up a little and laugh.

"Really, Pone. If you play by the rules and don't ever do anything wrong, how do you think you're going to get anybody's attention?"

Attention was really the last thing Pony wanted or needed. He knew New York was going to be nothing like Tulsa, and the hustle and bustle of a giant city like that appealed to him. With that many people, it would be easy to fade right in. People wouldn't be staring at him because he was friends with the kid that killed the Soc. He could be whoever he wanted to be. He just wasn't sure who that was yet.

"Yeah, I guess I have learned a lot from you," Pony said.

Two-Bit swung an arm across his shoulders. "You still need help packing?"

"Yeah. Why? You know a guy that'll help me?"

"Well, yeah. Me."

Pony laughed at him. "You've got to be kidding me. Two-Bit Mathews is going to help me organize my stuff into boxes?"

"Organize?" He clicked his tongue in disappointment. "Oh, Pony. You're so naïve. People don't have to organize in order to pack."

XXX

If he was reading the map right, and he liked to think that he was, he should have already been in St. Louis. But no, he was helplessly lost in some stretch of country roads and cow towns that were too much like Windrixville to suit him. It was like he was stuck in some Twilight Zone episode where he had driven 300 miles only to end up in the same damn place.

"Fucking perfect," he grumbled, crumpling his map into a ball and tossing it out the window. He was parked on the side of some country road next to some bean field that looked like every other field he'd passed since Windrixville. The sun was high in the sky and it was fucking blazing hot. All he was doing was sweating.

Instead of driving east, he should have just fucking turned the car toward the west. He should have gone to California or some shit like that. It made much more sense than the direction he was headed, or so it felt.

Dally lit up a cigarette and was contemplating going back the twenty or so miles he had come since he last saw civilization, when he saw a couple of farmer hands walking through the rows of beans.

"You're a fucking pussy," he told himself as he got out. He was going to ask for directions.

As nimbly as a man who had been driving around the damn country for weeks straight could, he shimmied down the ditch and scrambled back up the other side. He hopped an ancient fence and walked through the clean rows of green until he was close enough to shout a the two old timers minding their crops.

"Hey, how do you get back to the highway?"

One old man stared at him while the other moved closer and asked, "Where you headed?"

"St. Louis, I guess."

The man squinted past him, holding a hand above his eyes and then looked back at Dally.

"You keep on the way you're headed and you'll start seeing the signs for 44. Then just follow 'em to St. Louis."

Dally thought the man was an idiot, but he waved his thanks and started on his way. The other farmer called out to him.

"Headed to see the Arch?"

Dally had no idea what he was talking about, so he just waved him off again and found his way back to the old truck. Once inside, he started it up with a roar and pulled back onto the dusty road. He followed the directions, but it was taking forever. He had been driving forever and had seen nothing but the same shit he'd been seeing all day.

"Old fucker lied to me. This ain't it."

But just as he was trying to find a good spot to turn around, he saw the sign for the interstate. There it was after all.

XXX

"How are you getting all these boxes up to the Big Apple anyway?" Two-Bit asked, studying the mess that was Ponyboy's room.

"Shipping them. They'll be waiting for me when I get there."

"You know where you'll be staying yet?"

"I've made some calls. I think I might have a place lined up. I have to wire the money the week before I leave for a deposit. I'll stay there until the dorms open up."

Two-Bit studied the kid sitting across the room from him. He was the youngest of their group of friends, and maybe Steve was right when he was always called him a tag along, but any of them would've been the same way if they were the youngest. He was a good kid, and he was doing one hell of a crazy thing.

"I think Darry's always been right about you," he said. "You just never use your head."

Pony frowned and almost looked offended by that statement. "I think I've thought this through pretty good."

Two-Bit grinned. "Yeah, you have. But what I mean is if you used your head and really thought about what you were getting yourself into by going halfway across the country, leaving everything you really know behind, you never would have done it."

Pony didn't say anything and kept packing books away into the box beside him. Two-Bit could tell by the way he didn't look him in the eye that he was exactly right.

"You're one brave kid, Pony."

"No, I'm not."

"Really, I mean that."

"You know how I said I'm nervous?" he asked, finally glancing at him. "What I really meant is that I'm scared out of my mind."

"So what?" Two-Bit asked with a shrug. "You can be brave and scared to death."

"They kind of cancel each other out."

"If you were really that scared, you wouldn't be doing it. Look, I know it's not the same, but it's sort of how I feel about this whole having-a-kid thing with Carolyn. I feel kind of brave and kind of scared as hell."

That got a smile out of Pony. "You say that like it's still up in the air."

"No, but when I say it like it's as definite as it is, it makes me scared enough that I don't know if I can do it."

"You're gonna be a great dad, Two-Bit."

He shrugged. He had experienced many sleepless nights since Carolyn broke the news to him. "The way I figure it, no matter what I do so long as I don't bolt the way my old man did, I'll be a better dad than he ever was. That's really all I want to be. Probably not a good way to think of it, huh?"

Pony smiled at him. "I think that's a fine way to look at it. He'll blow him out of the water in every category, too."

Two-Bit smiled too. He certainly hoped so.

"What do you hope it'll be? A boy or a girl?"

"Hell, I'm just hoping it looks like Carolyn whatever it is."

"Yeah, me too."

Two-Bit threw a wad of dirty clothes in Pony's direction. "You know, if I didn't have Carolyn and this job and everything, I'd probably try to pack myself into one of these boxes and go with you."

That got a smile out of the kid. "Yeah, if it weren't for all those things, I think that'd be a pretty good plan. I could probably use a roommate."

"Well, if we all need a change of scenery, expect to find me and Carolyn and the baby on your doorstep one day."

"That's fine by me."

"Why don't you get over here and check out this packing job I just did for you? I made it through about three boxes to your one."

Pony shook his head and stayed where he was. "I made it through one because I organized what's in it. I'm waiting until you leave to fix the mess you just made."

"What mess? You haven't even looked in this box!"

"I saw you just cram stuff in it. And you probably don't even know what all's in there. How am I gonna find anything when I get to New York?"

"Of course I know what's in this box!" He gestured to the general area around him. "Everything from this corner of the room is in this box. How's that for organization?"

XXX

Ellie was curled up under her blankets like she had been more often than not in the last week. She only dragged herself out of bed long enough to go to work, and when she was there, she only did as much as she had to keep her boss from getting on her case. When she was at home, she stayed in bed and kept her door locked.

She felt like she was in some sort of trance that she just couldn't get out of. She'd had it in her head to talk to Allison. As a nurse, she could tell her what she needed to do, and Ellie was fairly certain she could keep a secret. It just wasn't that easy to tell anyone when she was having a hard time accepting it herself.

Knowing what she really needed to do, she dragged herself out of bed and over to her dresser and found a school notebook and a pen. Flipping to a clean page, she crawled back to her bed and lay on her stomach. Pen to paper, she wrote a letter to Soda.

XXX

It was easily the dumbest fucking thing he had ever seen, and he stopped midway through the parking lot. The Arch was nothing but a huge piece of metal bent in half. All around him dumb kids and their parents were gawking at it, saying how amazing it was. All it was was tall and gray. It was nothing.

Grumbling, Dally turned and headed back to his truck. St. Louis was a damn stupid place, and he was already looking to move on.

_I'm still running against the wind,  
>I'm older now and still running against the wind<em>


	45. Teenage Rebellion

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. The Gaslight Anthem owns "Teenage Rebellion."**

* * *

><p><em>And in the first year of my former life<br>I was 17 and a wildfire burning  
><em>_If I stretched out my hands_  
><em>I was convinced I could conjure angels<em>

**August 1969**_  
><em>

Soda had gotten a dozen letters from Pony in the weeks he had been gone which kept his mind occupied, but the latest letter wasn't from his brother, and the contents concerned him.

_Soda –_

_I should have written sooner and I'm sorry. I hope you're doing okay and still in California or else I think this will take a while to get to you. Everything's the same here._

_Almost everything. Can I tell you something? You have to promise me to keep it a secret though, even from Steve. It just seems easier to tell somebody that isn't here, even though I think you would be the one I would tell even if you were home._

_I really wish you were home._

_Miss you.__  
><em>_Ellie._

Soda skimmed the letter again. It never seemed to be a good thing when Ellie had a secret to keep, and it worried him. He thought of about a million things that she might tell him, but none of them seemed likely.

He wrote her back, telling her that of course he would keep her secret, wouldn't even think about telling Steve, and told her that they were flying out the following week. He kept it to himself that he was scared out of his mind, and that her letter made him feel homesick more than ever.

He wasn't sure how he was going to make it through the whole year. Mostly, though, he was sick to his stomach over the fact that he couldn't be home to see his little brother off to college. Underneath Ellie's letter was the latest letter from Pony. He had sent plenty, just like Soda knew he would, and they were all about how he was nervous to leave for New York.

No matter how many times Soda wrote to tell him he would do just fine and to have fun, it wasn't the same as telling him in person.

XXX

Pony considered going to Ellie's front door like a normal person but decided against it for old time's sake.

He could see her sitting by her dresser, pen in hand, as he approached her window. He rapped his knuckles on the glass quietly so as not to scare her, but she practically jumped out of her seat anyway.

"Hey," he said when she opened the window. He pulled himself up and through the opening with an ease he didn't remember back when he was eleven or twelve. "What were you doing?"

She shuffled some papers on her desk. "Writing Soda a letter. I haven't been very good about that so far."

There had been something different about Ellie, and Pony wasn't sure what it was. It seemed like she had been sad for weeks now, but it wasn't the same kind of sad that ever seemed to involved Dally. It was a deeper kind of sadness that he didn't even want to ask her about, mostly because it felt like everybody was going through the same thing. He knew it wasn't because he was leaving, or at least that wasn't the only reason. It was the fact that hardly anyone was left. Everything was so different than it had ever been before, and Pony wasn't sure how to address that with any of them.

"He's probably getting sick of my letters," he said with a smile. "I sort of expect him to write me back, telling me to wait until I have something new to write about."

"I'm sure he loves all of them."

A silence settled between them, somehow both a comfortable silence they were used to and an awkwardly heavy silence neither knew how to break.

Pony finally spoke up, wanting to get to the point. "I just wanted to stop over and say bye."

"I'm coming with you guys in the morning."

He shrugged. "I know." He wanted to say his individual goodbyes in private, not in front of a whole bus depot.

"Why didn't we have a party before you left?"

_Because no one's left to come to one_, he thought, but just smiled at her. "We've had too many parties lately and they've all been for sad things."

"Darry and Allison's party wasn't sad."

He shrugged. "They wouldn't have gotten married that quick if Soda and Steve didn't have to leave."

She nodded solemnly. "That's true."

"We'll have a big party when I come home."

"It's gonna be hard with you gone, Pony." She looked away for a long moment before she said anything else. "Sorry things haven't been so good between us."

He nudged her arm with his own. "Everything's fine with us now. Right?"

She nodded again.

"You should come visit me when I get settled. Well, when you're on break from school anyway," he added.

"I'll start saving my money," she said, tears ready to spill over.

He gave her a hug and she hugged him back fiercely. When he pulled away from her, she jumped off the bed and grabbed a bag off the floor.

"I can't believe I almost forgot to give you these." She dug in the bag and pulled out a stack of books. "I know you already sent your boxes, and if you can't take all these with you on the bus, I can mail them to you."

He took the books and looked at each worn cover. There were a couple classics he had always wanted to read. Others had titles of movies he remembered watching with Ellie.

"These are great," he said. "It'll give me plenty to do on the bus tomorrow."

"I went to the used bookstore downtown and asked the guy to help me find some books I thought you might like. I know you liked that Hitchcock movie we saw a long time ago. Hopefully the book's good too."

"I'll read that one first," he promised.

They sat in silence for a while looking over the books until Danny started crying in the other room. That seemed to be the unspoken signal to leave, and Ellie leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Write me, okay?"

He nodded.

She passed him his books after he had climbed out the window. "Hey, Pony?"

"Yeah?"

She looked ready to tell him something but seemed to stop herself. "I'll see you in the morning."

XXX

"All packed up, kiddo?"

Pony looked up from the last of the junk he was stuffing into his bag to see Darry leaning against the door frame. His hulking brother looked as big as ever standing there, and Pony made a quick mental picture to remember him just the way he was.

"I think so," he looked around the room. "Not much else I can bring."

Darry looked around, too, adding, "Well, if you get there and think of something, let me know and I can ship it out. It's not a big deal."

"I will."

"You nervous?"

Pony shrugged. "I guess. I'll feel better once I'm out there and actually have a job."

"Me, too."

Standing again, Darry came into the room. The bed creaked under his weight when he sat down. It was the first time in a long time he'd seen Darry look so helpless, so terribly lost. He looked around the room. Pony had already noticed that it wasn't exactly bare since Soda hadn't taken anything, and he wasn't leaving with a whole lot more than his clothes, but it still felt empty. Pony hated sleeping in there without Soda, and he could already see how much Darry was going to hate that the room was empty at all. His stomach churned at the thought, but then Allison breezed by in the hallway, and he remembered that he wasn't leaving his oldest brother all alone.

"You're going to do great out there, kid. I know you are," he said, smiling. "I'm real proud of you. Mom and Dad would be, too."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

Pony finally picked up his bag and set it on the floor. He sat beside Darry and asked, "You think you guys will ever come out and visit me?"

Darry gave him a look and said, "I hope that doesn't mean you don't ever plan on coming home, but I'm sure we could. Maybe over Easter."

"Oh, no. I'm definitely coming home to visit, I was just wondering," Pony said, tripping over his words. He never wanted Darry to think that he was leaving to get away from him. "Soda said he was going to come out when he gets home."

"Yeah?" Darry said, looking at him. His eyes seemed to be a little wet, but Pony looked away so fast he wasn't sure.

"Yeah."

He shifted a little, pulling something out of his back pocket and holding it as he said, "This ain't much, but I want you to have. Allison and I both do."

Darry handed him an envelope. Opening it a little, he saw that it was filled with cash. He looked at his brother, startled.

"I can't take this."

"Yes, you can. I know you've been saving all summer, but this won't hurt you either. I want you to have it. Just because you're so far away doesn't meant I can't still take care of you a little bit. You ain't even 18 yet, kid. You're still mine, you know," he added with a smile.

Pony put the money into his bag and then hugged his brother. Not as tight as he did the first time he saw him after everything in Windrixville, but hard enough for Darry to know that he would miss him and that he still needed him. There would always be a place in his life for his brothers, no matter how far away he went.

"I love you, Darry."

"I love you, too, Pone."

XXX

Pony had been gone for hours now, and Darry still wasn't used to the idea of him just being gone. He still couldn't get used to the idea that he had graduated high school and that he wasn't the same kid he was when their parents died. Pony was a man making his own way in the world, and for the first time Darry wasn't a part of it anymore.

Both of his kid brothers were gone. The two very things he had worked so long and hard for were no longer sleeping in beds just down the hall or eating at the same dinner table or even able to come over to hang out. They were both unreachable at a moment's notice. They were gone from his everyday life – one of them in a way he preferred, the other he worried about constantly. What concerned him most was that, for once, the one he worried about constantly wasn't Ponyboy.

He came in from the backyard where he had busied himself after dropping Pony off, and found the house empty save for Ellie sitting alone on the couch. She was flipping through one of Pony's yearbooks, but looked up at him as he came in. She looked the way he felt.

"Sorry, I just didn't feel like going home."

Darry sat down beside her and said, "What are you sorry about? You know you're always welcome here."

"I know, it's just different now." She closed the book and set it on her lap and just stared at her fingers. "I don't know how to get along without them all."

Without them all. Johnny, Dally, Soda, Steve and now Pony were all gone. The quiet halls of his own house were a testament to that. How many nights did Two-Bit turn up the music as Soda and Steve got into an arm wrestling match and Johnny and Pony attempted some quiet activity in their own little corner away from the others? How many nights did they expect all of that to just end? He certainly never did, and he could tell she didn't either.

"I'm really glad you got married. I would hate to imagine you in this house alone with no one but me and Two-Bit to keep you company."

There was a smidgen of a smile there, and he smiled himself.

"I'd take you guys as company any day," he said.

"It all makes you wonder how anything ever feels normal."

Darry knew normal was a relative thing. It always had been in his life. Normal changed from year-to-year, and he thought that he had always done okay to adapt to it. That was all he could do. If he didn't adapt, the change would swallow him whole.

"It's just a bump in the road. Look at you, you've got one more year of school and then who knows what? You can head off to college if you wanted."

"Maybe."

"There's no maybe about it, kid. You could do it if you wanted. And I think you want to."

She smiled a little but not much.

Outside, a car pulled up, and he watched Two-Bit get out and walk up to the house. He walked in quietly and saw the two of them sitting there and grinned.

"And I thought I was the only one moping. I guess I'm in good company. Move over."

He squeezed onto the couch between him and Ellie and put his arms around either of them.

"I thought you had to work," Ellie said.

"Yeah, but I told them I was sick and had to go home early."

"Legitimately?" Darry asked.

"Not really sick, just, well, you know …" he said.

"Yeah, we know," Ellie piped up.

"How did Allison get to work? She was a mess this morning."

Darry nodded. She had spent so much time worrying over him with both of his brothers leaving that he didn't even think she would take it so hard when Pony got on that bus.

"She was still crying when she took Lizzie to her mom's. I'm glad she took the dog over there too. I think out of all of us, he's going to be the one moping the longest over Pony being gone."

"I wish you guys would just pick a name for him," Ellie mumbled.

"Allison calls him Andy. Lizzie still calls him Fish. I think I'm the most accurate by calling him a dog."

That sort of got a smile out of Ellie.

"Listen, if Allison comes home and sees us sitting here like this, she's going to insist the three of us go out for a pizza or something."

They were both staring at him, and he grinned and stood up.

"You're serious?" Two-Bit asked.

Darry clapped his hands together and motioned for the door with his thumbs. "Yes. I doubt anyone wants the three of us moping around instead of doing something a little fun. So, let's go."

XXX

There was one slice of pizza left, and Two-Bit eyed it.

"Eat it," Ellie told him.

"You eat it."

"I don't want it," she said. She picked up the pan so the pizza slid perfectly on to his plate.

"Maybe Darry wants it."

But Darry shook his head. "I had enough. It's yours."

He couldn't argue with them anymore, so he picked up the pizza and ate half of it in one bite. Darry had a good idea to go out, but Two-Bit felt a little sad knowing it was just the three of them. Even though Carolyn and Allison were as much a part of the mix as anyone else, it was strange to think that no one else was around. Ellie and Darry definitely felt it, too.

"How long until school starts, El?"

"Too soon."

"I'm gonna have to come to good old Will Rogers for lunch some days."

She perked up a little at that. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. I'd love to scare Greene into thinking that I've come back. I think it might finally give him a heart attack."

Darry laugh, nearly snorting beer through his nose. Ellie handed him a napkin. and he said, "Did you guys really hate him that much? He wasn't so bad."

Ellie startled Darry when she pinched his cheek, saying, "But you were one of his precious football players. He loved you."

"And you think he hates you?"

"Darry, please," Two-Bit said. "It's common knowledge that he hated me. He certainly hated Dally. There's almost no way possible that he didn't hate Tim and Curly Shepard and, because poor El over here associated with all of us, Greene hates her, too."

Ellie nodded at Darry. "Follow?"

He tipped his beer to her. "I follow."

"Good. It's not too hard, even when you were the principal's pet," she said.

"I wasn't the pet! All I did was play football," he said, defending himself.

"That's all it took, Darry. Football players are the biggest pets in the whole school," Two-Bit said. "You weren't cool enough to be the outcasts like the rest of us."

XXX

Ellie was squished into the middle between them on the ride home. It felt like old times, which made it even harder to accept that it wasn't. As much as she loved Two-Bit, she wished it was Soda there beside her, or all of them sitting in the bed of the truck. She missed everyone.

"Where do you think Pony is right now?" she asked.

Darry looked at his watch and said, "I don't know. St. Louis maybe?"

"Pretty far," Two-Bit said.

"Yeah," Darry said.

She wished she hadn't said anything because he looked so deep in thought as he drove. They were all quiet. They all stayed quiet until Darry was pulling back into their neighborhood.

"So, Two-Bit, have you and Carolyn picked out any names yet?"

Two-Bit's grin was so huge she thought someone might be able to see it from space.

"Well, if it's a girl, we like Frankie. Well, Carolyn likes the name Francesca, but we'd shorten it. Well, I'd shorten it."

"And if it's a boy?" Ellie asked.

Thoughtfully, he said, "John."

"That's real nice, Two-Bit. Really great," Darry said, a smile on his face.

XXX

The bus had stopped in Western Ohio to change passengers and give everyone else a chance to stretch their legs. Even after traveling that far, Pony still hadn't been able to really believe he was on his way to New York. It just seemed like a trip he was taking before he headed back home. As it was, he wasn't sure the next time he would make it home. It was going to depend on a lot of things, mostly whether or not he would be able to find a job when he got to where he was going.

Pony had been through a lot of things in his life, but he was just starting to realize this decision was going to shape the way the rest of his life turned out. It was a scary realization.

He walked out of the station, a snack in hand from the vending machines and looked at the sky. The sun was setting and the view was beautiful enough to make him wish he had a camera. Instead, he figured he could draw something to at least resemble what he was seeing. He climbed back onto the bus and made his way back to his seat.

He had all of the books Ellie had given him in his bag, but he'd spent most of the trip so far staring at a blank notebook. It had been a long time since he had really written anything. His theme was years old, and it seemed like it might end up being the last real, meaningful thing he ever wrote, at least on his own accord. His last two years of high school were filled with essays and research, but nothing like the theme he had written for Mr. Syme's class.

A bus trip to New York felt like a good time to change that. Instead of words, though, the pages filled up with doodles the further west they drove. Barns, cows, bridges, trains. All sorts of pictures were filling the pages, but no words. Not yet.

He sketched the clouds outside as the bus filled up again and the driver closed the door.

"Is this seat taken?"

He looked up to see a girl, maybe around his own age, standing in the aisle, bracing herself against the seat as the bus pulled away from the stop. She had blonde hair that hung in ringlets and a pretty smile. She was basically a girl Pony would never have the guts to talk to on his own.

He quickly moved all of his things off the seat beside him. "No, it's not. You can have it."

She settled in and gave him another smile before she noticed the notebook he was balancing on his knees.

"Drawing the sunset?"

He shrugged, instantly feeling self-conscious about it. He fought the urge to cover up what he had just drawn with his arm. "It would look better if it had some color. I guess I didn't pack very well."

"It's pretty even in gray. Where are you headed?"

"New York. What about you?"

"Philadelphia. I always stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks before school starts back. It's thrilling," she added with a sarcastic smile.

"It sounds like it. What grade are you in?"

"I'll be in eleventh. What about you?"

Pony actually had to think about that question for a moment before he remembered the answer. "I'll be a freshman at NYU next month."

The look on her face was surprise and something along the lines of admiration. "Oh wow, college in New York? That's cool."

He smiled. It really was kind of cool.

"Sorry," she said, offering him her hand. "I didn't introduce myself. I'm Lisa."

He shook her hand, opening his mouth to introduce himself. He paused at the last moment before he answered her, a million possibilities entering his head. "I'm … Michael Curtis."

_And in the last hours before the sunrise  
>I'm not sure if I passed out or closed my eyes<br>I woke into a dream where I know I knew._


	46. Lonely Where You Are

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Goo Goo Dolls owns "Name."**

* * *

><p><em>And scars are souvenirs you never lose<br>The past is never far  
>Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?<em>

**August 1969**

A basketful of toy horses and dolls had been dumped in the middle of the floor, and Darry laughed at the look on Ellie's face. Lizzie parked herself right across from her and started picking up the ponies and handing them to her one by one to stand them up in a row.

"You have a lot of these," Ellie said.

Lizzie handed her three more and quipped, "Yup."

"Does Darry play horses with you?" Ellie asked, giving him a look.

"He does, but it's your turn."

Part of him felt like he should rescue her because she looked so tired, but then again, she volunteered to play. He gave her the thumbs up when she gave him a weary look and went back into the kitchen to start on dinner. He busied himself with the food and listened to the girls play. Lizzie sounded like a cartoon character half the time, but Ellie just sounded flat to him. Maybe it was just that she didn't have quite the same energy Pony did when Lizzie pulled out her horses.

When Allison came home a short while later, he poked his head in as she bent down and kissed Lizzie on the head.

"How about you give Ellie a break, huh?" Allison said.

"Okay."

Ellie promised her they'd play again soon as she got up off the floor. Allison patted her arm, and they both came into the kitchen.

"Smells good," she told him. Her hands landed on his arms as she leaned up for a kiss. "Thanks for getting it started."

"You know I don't mind," he told her, kissing her back.

"Darry makes some pretty good meals," Ellie said, both hands were pressed into her back like she was sore.

He gave her a wink and asked, "You staying for dinner?"

"No, I'm gonna go home. I'm kind of tired."

"You feel okay?" Allison asked. "Or did Lizzie wear you out with those horses?"

"I'm okay."

Darry studied her for a few seconds, wondering if she really was, but he let it go just as fast. There was always something, but he knew a lot of everything for them all lately was the boys being gone. The emptiness seeped in wherever it pleased. Even he felt it most of the time. It was hard getting used to the silence and all the empty moments where the boys used to be.

"Come on over another night then," he told her.

She gave him a little smile. "I will. See y'all later."

XXX

He thought about driving further east. He even entertained the idea of heading on up to New York and drop in on his ma. Dally grinned at the thought. The old lady would probably drop dead of shock. The way he figured it, he was like some puppy that had followed her home and when she decided she didn't want him anymore, she took him as far away as she could and hoped he couldn't sniff his way back home. And that was fine with him. There wasn't anything in New York for him anyway, and he wouldn't give Doris Winston the pleasure of pretending to be a mother after all these years.

Instead he headed south, following the Mississippi. He immediately regretted the decision. It was the dog days of summer and if he thought Oklahoma was hot, it was nothing compared to Arkansas in his uncle's truck. The thing was like an oven, and the further south he got, the more he hated the whole fucking area.

By the time he hit New Orleans, he knew he was in over his head. The city was just plain weird. Between New York and Tulsa, he thought he'd experienced a lot in his life. In Louisiana, he realized he hadn't seen shit in his life.

As soon as he could, he got the hell out of dodge and headed back west. Crossing the border into Texas, he relaxed a little, if that was possible in hundred degree weather in a sardine can of a truck, wondering what Oklahoma felt like at that moment.

XXX

Pony sat in his cramped new apartment with a stack of job applications in front of him and a sick feeling in his stomach.

He wasn't sure what he expected New York to be like, but it wasn't all that magical or life-changing yet. Tulsa was a major city, but it felt like a dot on the map next to this place. The apartment was definitely not what he imagined, but at least it was a roof over his head and was mostly furnished. Sure, the couch was stained and uncomfortable, and the bathroom sink leaked, and the window by the fire escape wouldn't latch so the landlord fixed it by wedging a block of wood in so it couldn't be opened from the outside, but it was all his until he could move into the dorms at school. He was seventeen and more than a thousand miles away from home.

That should be any kid's dream. He thought it would be his by the time he got there. What he hadn't counted on was just how lonely it would be.

Darry seemed to pick up on that when Pony called home the first time. He tried to play it off like it was just different, but Darry seemed worried. He made sure that any time he called after that, he talked a mile a minute about everything he had done and seen. He wasn't sure if Darry believed him or not, but he sounded a little less worried than before.

Pony just wished he could make himself believe it.

He leaned back on the couch and reached for one of the books that Ellie had given him. It was _The Thirty-Nine Steps_, the same Hitchcock movie they had seen years ago. Flipping through it, something fell out onto his lap. At first he thought it was just a bookmark, but looking closer, he realized it was a strip of pictures of him and Ellie. He couldn't remember when they had been taken except that it was from the photo booth at the fair. They were young, though. He had a strip of pictures from the same year when Two-Bit, Steve, Soda, and Johnny had all tried to fit into the booth while Ellie and Pony took another set of photos. Those pictures were tucked away in one of the boxes he had in the apartment, but this strip of photos that Ellie had put in the book made him smile. When he flipped it over he saw she had written something on the back.

_Do you even remember being this little?_

His smile broadened at that.

It was expensive to call home and Pony had told Darry to make sure he said hi to Ellie and Two-Bit for him, but with the pictures in hand, he knew he would need to give her a call himself. For as much as they had been through in the last few months, he really missed her. He couldn't help but think how different it would be if he had somebody from home with him. He probably wouldn't be so worried about a job if he had somebody to help him.

Going out to look for a job wasn't nearly as easy as he thought it might be. It felt like he had been to a million different places – bookstores, coffee shops, pizza places – and nobody wanted to hire him. He had an interview at one restaurant but as soon as he introduced himself as 'Ponyboy,' the guy seemed to dismiss him before he even asked any questions.

When he met the girl on the bus, Lisa, it seemed like he could start fresh. Using his middle name seemed like one way to do it. By the time he said goodbye to her in Philadelphia, though, he was feeling guilty. He had always been so proud of his name; it just felt wrong to go by anything else. On the other hand, he liked that she just looked at him like he was some regular guy, and that he didn't have to explain his name to her. No one looked at you funny or asked questions if your name was Michael.

Pony studied the job applications in front of him for a long time before he wrote his name.

P.M. Curtis. That was true enough.

He glanced over at the strip of photos and wondered what Ellie would think about people calling him Michael or Mike or something. She'd never let him live it down.

XXX

Ellie went to bed not feeling well at all. Her back ached, and she was just overly tired. She was in bed before it was completely dark. All night long she had weird dreams, and every single one of them was vivid. They were the type of dreams she would get if she took a nap in the afternoons, the kind that came when she don't stay asleep very long.

The most vivid dream was one of Dally. He was there in her room, talking to her even though she couldn't hear a word he said. He got mad and started to leave, but when she went after him she couldn't. The floor was like a pool, and she couldn't move fast enough to get to him before he was gone. When she woke up after that dream, she was completely disoriented. She had cramps that hurt enough to make her sit up and realize that she was wet.

Quickly, she pulled the blanket off and stared in the dark. With just the light of the streetlamp coming through the curtains, she could tell it was blood.

Her breathing quickened and she slowly got up and flicked on the light. The sheets were stained in her blood. It made her insides seize and she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. This wasn't normal at all.

XXX

The middle of the night sometimes got loud enough to wake him up. Crickets chirping and animals making all kinds of weird noises would jolt him awake from where he slept in the bed of the truck. This night a dream startled him awake. Staring up at the stars under a wide Texas sky, he couldn't remember what the hell it had been about.

He rubbed his face and stretched out, feeling his bones creak from weeks of living out of his truck. Some nights he longed for a bed and it always got him thinking about Ellie. That broad was sure to be mad at him by now. Maybe madder than she ever had been. For some dumb reason that made him smile, but only until he remembered how she looked when he dumped her off at home. After that, he made himself stop thinking about her.

XXX

After lunchtime, Ellie was standing alone in the same hallway as the room Johnny had died in and the same one she had chased after Dallas. The same one where he had pointed a gun at her. She pushed every one of those memories away as she looked for Allison.

She went to the nurses' station, which was buzzing with activity, and stood there for a moment looking at every single one of them. Allison was in the back corner with a stack of charts in front of her. Ellie made a move toward her, but Allison looked up and saw her there. She smiled and walked her way.

"What are you doing here? Everything okay?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Ellie asked.

The brightness in Allison's eyes vanished, and she nodded. She placed a hand on Ellie's shoulder and said to another nurse, "Joan, I need to take care of something. Can you cover for me for a bit?"

Joan looked a little annoyed, but she nodded and carried on with her work. Allison led Ellie down the hallway to a nearly empty waiting room.

"What's going on, honey?"

This was a moment of truth. Ellie looked at her, feeling like the dumbest person on earth for the mess she had gotten herself into. She stumbled over her words, her confession, and clasped her hands together so tightly, her own fingernails, or what was left of them, threatened to draw blood.

Allison noticed and gently put her hands on Ellie's and led them both to a seat. Both of Allison's hands wrapped around one of hers.

"What is it, Ellie?" Her voice was soft and reassuring. Ellie felt the confession just spill out of her.

"I'm pregnant," she said, her voice quiet to her own ears. She didn't look at her and continued before Allison could get a word in. "Or I think I am. Or was. I started bleeding last night and I still am."

Allison, the Mother, responded first. Her hand tightened around Ellie's. "Are you okay?"

Ellie shrugged, feeling the prick of tears. "I don't know."

"Is it -"

"It's Dally's," Ellie said. She did not want her to ask if it was Wade's.

Allison pulled her in and hugged her for a moment. Every emotion Ellie had felt for the last few months whooshed around her, and she let herself sag against Allison. All at once, she wanted to sleep and cry and just hug her back, but she only sat there with nothing inside. It felt better letting someone else know, even though now it seemed like nothing was ever going to come of her pregnancy.

"Did you talk to your mom?"

She didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. All that came out was a raspy, "No."

"Do you want me to call her?"

Ellie just shook her head no.

When Allison let her go, the Nurse part of her took over. She started to ask her question after embarrassing question, and Ellie answered truthfully.

"I'm going to put you in an exam room and have one of the doctors look at you to make sure you check out okay."

Ellie nodded and asked no questions as she did everything Allison asked of her, even when she left her alone in a cold little room with nothing but a paper gown to put on. When Allison came back in, she brought a male doctor with her who asked several questions before he told her to lay back and put her feet up.

It was mortifying, but Allison stood beside her and held her hand as the doctor checked her out. She closed her eyes during most of it, gripping Allison's warm hand and feeling so thankful it was there for her to hold on to.

When it was over, the doctor gave her a list of instructions that Ellie hardly heard. The doctor gave her a smile, handed a piece of paper to Allison, and left the room.

"How about you get dressed and I'll take you home?"

"Okay," Ellie said.

Allison left the little exam room and Ellie set to getting herself dressed.

XXX

The drive home was quiet. Ellie knew she should have protested to Allison that she could get herself home because she knew she had interrupted her work day, but she was so tired she couldn't make herself care very much.

Allison was very quiet until she pulled onto Ellie's street and stopped the car. There was a lecture coming, Ellie knew, and as far as she was concerned, it may as well have been Darry sitting in the driver's seat.

But it was Nurse-Allison that was sitting there. She handed Ellie a bottle of pills.

"You need to take one of these a day until the whole bottle is gone, okay?"

Ellie took them without looking at Allison. She set them in her lap and waited for more.

"I also want you take care of yourself."

"I do."

"No you don't," she said, her voice was gentle. " You don't take care of yourself at all. I'm serious, Ellie, I want you to get some sleep and to eat something. I know you don't feel well right now, but once you're rested up, you'll be much better."

"I will." Food was the last thing on her mind, but sleep sure did sound nice. But she had one more thing on her mind. One very important detail. "You won't say anything, will you? To Darry even?"

"No, no. It's none of my business, but I'm glad you came to me, honey," she said. "I'm gonna call and check on you tomorrow morning, okay? Maybe bring you some lunch."

The last thing she wanted was for Allison to take her on as a patient outside of work, so Ellie shook her head.

"Okay, well, what I meant was that I am going to call and check up on you, and I'm going to bring you something to eat tomorrow," Allison amended, leaving no room for argument. "I'll tell everyone you've got a summer flu. There's definitely one going around."

"Okay," Ellie said. She picked up the pill bottle and made a motion to leave. She finally looked Allison in the eye. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, honey. I'll check on you tomorrow. Get some rest, and call me if you need anything."

With a thankful nod, Ellie got out of the car.

"Ellie?"

She turned back and looked at Allison. "Yeah?"

"You can talk to me about anything. I want you to know that."

In all honesty, Ellie didn't know what she would have done if Allison weren't around. Maybe she would have just prayed the problem would have passed, or maybe she just would have gotten up the nerve to ask her mom for help, but Allison saved her all of that. Ellie knew she was lucky as hell to have her as a friend.

"I do."

She gave her a weak smile and headed inside.

Jimmy and Danny were sitting at the table eating supper. When she came in, Jimmy nodded at her, and Danny called out her name.

"Hey, buddy," she said.

"You okay?" Jimmy asked.

"Yeah, just the flu or something."

Jimmy gave her a look. "Maybe you oughta go to bed instead of hanging around here."

And she did just that. She filled a glass with water and shut herself into her room. She took one of the pills and set the bottle and glass aside before climbing under the covers. She lay there for a long time, wide awake and thinking.

XXX

Darry lay in the dark room, waiting for Allison to come in. She said she would be right in after putting Lizzie to bed, but that had been a good half hour ago. He climbed out of bed and made his way into the hall. She had seemed off to him all night. She hardly touched her dinner and didn't have much to say, even when Lizzie was pulling her into the living room to play with her.

He quietly opened Lizzie's door, only to find her sound asleep in her bed and Allison nowhere to be found.

The bathroom door was closed and just as he was about to knock on the door, he heard her sniffling from inside.

He knocked quietly as he turned the knob. "Ally?"

She was perched on the edge of the bath tub with a wad of tissues in her hand. "Sorry," she said. "I was just coming to bed."

He sat on the toilet lid across from her, his hands on her knees. "What's the matter?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing."

"Just a bad day at work."

He ran his hand along her cheek, and she leaned into him, a forced smile on her lips.

"You sure?"

She nodded.

"You want to talk about it?"

She sighed. "You know I can't do that."

"Something patient-related, huh? I'm sure you did everything you could."

Her smiled faltered, and she looked ready to start crying again. Instead she took a shuddering breath and nodded. "I guess."

They both stood up and she leaned into him as he wrapped his arm around her.

"Things just aren't fair sometimes," she said.

"I know."

"It seems that way more than ever anymore."

"How about you get some sleep? Things won't look so bad in the morning."

"I hope so," she said as he held her tighter.

XXX

It was after midnight. Ellie's mind was still reeling and didn't feel like it would ever quiet down enough to let her get to sleep.

Almost three months ago, she got pregnant. A month ago she realized it and now it was over. All the fears that kept her awake at night and all the plans she was trying to form didn't matter anymore. There wasn't anything growing in her belly; it was just empty. The emptiness was what hit her. She didn't expect it after she had prayed she had been smarter three months ago. There hadn't been a lot of time for her to get used to the idea, but she still felt a loss deeper than she ever expected. It wasn't all despair, though. She realized there was elation too. She had a future again, and with that future there were possibilities.

For the first time she found herself wondering if had been a boy or a girl. Intuition told her it would have been a boy, but that also might have been because she only pictured a little boy that looked just like Dally. Picturing herself as small didn't come as easily, but a little boy just felt so right.

In the confines of her heart she felt him like she never had. How strange was it that, until that point, he just felt like a problem to be solved? Something that was going to have to be dealt with, despite her decision to not treat him the way her mother treated her. How was it she felt her heart burying a piece of her she never met?

Closing her eyes, she pictured a baby with soft yellow hair and named him. In a nearly silent whisper, she said, "Matthew."

As she finally felt sleep tugging at her eyes, Ellie knew there would always be a hole in her heart where a child she never met would be. That loss would always be a part of her, but with it also meant life for her. For the first time in weeks, she felt something good through the bad.

_We grew up way too fast  
>And now there's nothing to believe<br>And reruns all become our history_

* * *

><p><em><em>**A/N #2: Just a few more chapters left of this story. As always, thank you for the reviews. We appreciate all of them so much.  
><strong>


	47. Nothing to Remember

**A/N: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Neko Case owns "Nothing to Remember."**

* * *

><p><em>I owe you nothing<br>That's all I've got for you  
>And you'll borrow nothing<br>That's what you expect of me_

It had been a week and Allison still came by every day on her lunch break with a bowl of chicken soup, and later in the week, sandwiches, for both of them. Ellie hadn't wanted the company at first, but by the end of the week, she was tired of being alone. Her mom and Jimmy didn't count. They only argued in the evening when Danny was with them or completely ignored each other after he was asleep. A part of her still wanted to tell her mom what had happened, but she just told her she had the flu instead.

Allison sat across from her on the bed, eating her soup and being careful not to spill any on her nurse's uniform.

"You shouldn't take time to come here," Ellie said. "I know you don't get back to the hospital in time."

Allison shrugged. "I have time saved up. I told them it's a family emergency."

Ellie smiled at that. "I would have been okay, but thanks."

"You're still feeling okay? No serious pain?"

"Cramps every now and then, but I feel a lot better."

"You've been taking your medicine every day?"

She nodded, trying not to smile. Allison was doing that Mom thing again, and Ellie wished her mom had nagged her like that all her life. She had even gone as far as to get her a doctor's excuse to get out of work for the week.

"Good."

Ellie put her empty bowl on her bedside table. "Doesn't Darry wonder why you made all this soup?"

"You've got the flu, remember?" she said with a little smile.

Part of her wondered if Darry believed her, but Ellie knew her secret was safe. Darry would never in a million years try to get a truth like that out of anyone even if he did have an idea. Especially when Allison was around to deal with girl problems like Ellie's.

"Right."

"How about otherwise? How are you, Ellie?"

She have her a shrug. "I think I'll be okay. I'm not looking forward to it, but starting back to school might actually help."

Allison lit up a little. "Do you want to go shopping before you go back? If you feel like it?"

"Sure," Ellie replied. Shopping had never been her thing, especially the way Allison did it, but she was ready for just about anything to get her mind off of everything else.

"Maybe we can see if Carolyn wants to go," Allison went on. "Make a day out of it. It doesn't have to be a big day, but it'll be fun."

"That sounds great. I'm actually thinking about maybe going to see Two-Bit at work later this week. I'm tired of just doing nothing here but thinking."

"That's a great idea." She glanced at her watched and sighed. "I've got to get back. You'll call me if you need anything?"

Ellie nodded. She was glad that for once she had a girlfriend to confide in, especially since it was worried, nagging, motherly Allison.

XXX

The Ferris wheel came to a stop and their cart was at the very top, which was Two-Bit's favorite place to be. He rocked a little, just to look around, and Ellie grabbed his arm.

"Cut it out," she warned. She looked pale and tired, and he cut her some slack.

"Sorry," he said with a smile. He leaned back in his seat with his arms stretched across the back of the cart. It had been unbearably hot the last couple of weeks, but the sun was setting and there was a nice breeze. "Feels pretty good up here, huh?"

"Yeah," she said, but her knuckles were white on the bar. She wasn't usually so on edge on the Ferris wheel unless he or Steve were trying to rock the carts.

"You aren't feeling any better?"

She looked at him, confused. "Huh?"

"After the flu. Darry said you were sick this week. I thought maybe you were just being miserable like the rest of us since Pony left."

"I'm feeling a lot better," she said with a smile, which was nice to see. It may have been because the wheel started turning again. "Maybe it was a little of that too."

"You aren't contagious are you?"

Her smile broadened a little more. "No, I think I can promise I won't get you sick. I'm much better." She was quiet for a minute before she looked back at him. "That's not why Carolyn didn't come with us, is it?"

He shook his head. "She thought the morning sickness thing would be over and done with by now, but it's turned into evening sickness now. She didn't think she'd be much fun tonight."

"Sorry I'm not much fun tonight either."

He clapped her on the back. "You're still on the mend. There'll be plenty more fairs to come to."

"Yeah," she said, staring out across the fair as they sank more level with the ground. "I wish Pony hadn't left so early and missed this. It isn't the same with just the two of us."

That was the truth. Their gang felt like it was down to nothing. Darry was married, and Allison fit in real well, and even Carolyn felt like she had always been around. It was just moments like these that he really felt the pang for the old times. He wished they would get off this ride and Steve, Soda, and Dally would be pulling them to the roller coaster. Pony and Johnny would do what they could to save Ellie from the roller coaster, but Dally always got her on it anyway. Judging by how pale she was, Two-Bit didn't think it would be a good idea to drag her on the coaster for old time's sake.

"When's school start?" he asked after a long silence.

"Couple of weeks," she said, blandly.

"Excited it's your last year?"

"Guess I'm excited it's almost over."

"Then what? College?"

She smirked. "Doubt it."

"Well, get through this year and see," he said, trying to pep her up.

She nodded. She chewed on her lip for a while before she sighed. "There's not going to be much of anyone for me to hang out with."

"Aw, come on, you'll have somebody."

She seemed to think about it before she glanced at him. "I can't think of anyone. Even if I did, after what happened with Wade, nobody would wanna be friends with me now."

He draped his arm across her shoulders. "You'll be fine."

He hoped like hell it would be anyway. It was true that she didn't have a lot of friends outside of their gang, and Wade had ended up being a pretty popular kid, so she definitely wasn't scoring any points with his friends after everything that went down at the Prom.

"I wonder if Curly passed last year," she said, with a little grin. "I feel like I can make that kid eat out of the palm of my hand if I asked him right."

"Oh, El, please do better for yourself than another Shepard."

She punched him in the shoulder and tried to look offended, "I didn't mean it like that!"

"Oooh, you mean you'd use that crush he's had on you against him?"

"Only if it works, and if it does. I'll use it for good."

"I could probably come pick you up for lunch now and again. That could kinda be like old times," he said.

Her smile broaded at that and he felt like it had been a long time since he had seen that smile.

"I'd like that," she said.

The wheel slowed down again as they spun to the bottom, and once it stopped, the attendant opened their cart. Ellie walked off and waited for him at the end of the exit gate. Maybe she was thinking about the same thing he was about all their friends. It killed the smile on her face. This he had to change. The fair was supposed to be fun.

"Hey," he said, grabbing her arm and veering to the right, "we haven't done this in a while."

He led her to one of the little photo booths at the edge of the fairgrounds. He held the curtain back for her and they both climbed in.

Loading in the coins, he said, "We'll have to get a few copies, you know. I'll have to get one for Carolyn and we'll have to send them to all the boys, so you better come up with your funny faces."

"I think you've got plenty for the both of us," she said as they squeezed into the small space in front of the camera.

He looked at her as the first picture took and was happy to see the smile on her face looked genuine.

XXX

By the time Ellie got home, she was starting to believe her own lie. Maybe she really did just have the flu, and that was why she was so tired. She made her way through the dark house and into her bedroom, surprised to find a couple pieces of mail on lying on her bed.

The first was a postcard from Texas. She knew who that was from without looking on the back, but even when she did look at the back, it was blank. She studied the picture on the postcard for a long while, trying to decipher any kind of clue Dally may have expected her to pick up on when he mailed it to her. She couldn't find anything and tossed it back on her bed in frustration.

The other was enough to make her forget all about Dally's joke of a postcard. Soda's chicken scratch was hardly legible on the envelope, and it made her smile. She ripped the letter out and read it quickly.

_Ellie –_

_I don't like it when you send me letters asking me to keep secrets. It's gotta mean something's wrong. I hope not. But of course you can tell me. I'm real good at keeping secrets. Even from Steve._

_Don't worry if it takes me a while to write you back again. It's just because it'll take a while to get mail in a couple of days. We leave soon._

_Sodapop Curtis_

_PS: Can I tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone else?_

_I'm scared._

She sank down on her bed and read over the short letter again, wishing it said more than it did or at least something different. She hated to think that Soda was anything but his normal happy, cheerful self. She knew that wouldn't be the case, but she liked to pretend that nothing could ever faze him.

She pulled out the letter from under her pillow that she had written after she sent the first letter to Soda. She had written it in preparation to his response, and now it was sadly, horribly outdated. She couldn't even bring herself to reread everything she had written about the baby she was never going to meet. She tucked the letter away again and reached for a pen.

_Sodapop Curtis –_

_Don't worry about what I was going to tell you. Things change around here pretty quick, and I guess I don't have a secret for you anymore. Just to prove that nothing's wrong around here, I'm including a picture for you. It's me and Two-Bit at the fair. It just wasn't the same without you and Steve and Pony there.  
><em>  
><em>I wish you didn't have to go.<em>

_Ella O'Hare_

_PS: I wish your secret wasn't so sad. I'll try and be brave for you._

She studied his letter again before she tucked hers into an envelope. She pulled the strip of photo booth pictures of her and Two-Bit out of her purse and added them to the letter. Hopefully that would convince him everything was okay and give him something to smile about.

XXX

The wind was warm and the sand was hot between his toes. The long walk from the truck to the edge of the water was almost too much for his feet to take, but he didn't run. He'd been walking over coals for years now; managing hot sand was nothing.

Dally had never been to the beach before, not even when he lived in New York. Somehow he imagined the beaches in New York to be so much different, probably filthy and cold, whereas this one was the cleanest thing he had ever seen. He felt like a stain on the beach, some bit of rotting flesh that washed up with the tide. He certainly didn't belong there. If Dallas Winston was anything, he was a city kid, a no-good street hood that spilled trouble and misery wherever he went.

It actually amazed him though, maybe even took his breath away to see something reach out farther than he could imagine. It struck him that he was actually there; looking at something so incredibly different than anything he had ever seen.

Warm water rushed at his feet and soaked him up to his knees. He stood there a long time, just letting the waves hit him as he stared out at the great blue expanse. He tried to not think about home and mostly tried to keep the last look on Ellie's face out of his mind. The hurt in her eyes as he left her behind was more than he could take.

Walking back a little, he sat on the hot sand and continued to watch the water and think. The worst mistake he ever made was bringing her back to Windrixville and inviting her into his life for that night. In doing so, he had wrecked everything he worked so hard to achieve, a certain bit of anonymity. He liked no one knowing where he was, but he couldn't lie to himself about how good it felt to just have her look at him.

He kept hearing the same thing in his head over and over, the way she cried to him when she asked him if he had just used her, knowing she would come with him. And what had he done? Slept with her and left again.

"I'm a fucking pussy," he said to himself.

He wondered what she had done, mostly if she had gone back to the boyfriend. He wondered if she was waiting for him all over again. Part of him counted on it. The whole time they were together in Windrixville, she was completely his. She looked at him, spoke to him and wanted him. What scared him was that he felt like he needed that. It was a foreign feeling, and maybe the reason he ran away again. He never wanted to need another person.

Behind him, the sun was starting to set, but the colors of the sky changed to brilliant shades of orange and red. He watched silently, taking in the sounds of the waves and the wind and the seagulls. The colors transfixed him as he thought about everything that led him to this minute of his life. It was the most he ever let himself think, and he wished he knew how to shut it off.

Once the first few stars poked through the dusk, Dally got up and brushed the sand from his pants. He stretched and took one last, long look at the ocean and headed back toward his truck.

Galveston was not the furthest he could get from Tulsa, but he knew it was as far as he would go.

_I can't face that yet  
>I'm ashamed that I'm barely human<br>And I'm ashamed that I don't have a heart __you can break  
>I'm just action and other times reaction.<em>


	48. Might Just Fall Apart

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. First Aid Kit owns "To a Poet."**

* * *

><p><strong>September 1969<strong>

_There's nothing more to it,  
>I just get through it<em>**  
><strong>

Ellie walked down the halls of Will Rogers for what would be her last first day of school ever. If it hadn't been her senior year, she didn't think she'd be able to face it. If she hadn't been such a screw up two years earlier, she wouldn't have failed and the previous year could have been her last. She tried not to dwell on that as she walked through the swarms of kids.

She felt out of place and uncomfortable in the large school with no one she could call a friend. She hated that she was on her own, that she didn't even have anyone to share a ride with in the morning. There wasn't even a reason to get up a little bit earlier to stop over at Darry's for breakfast. She just had to brave it all on her own, but she made a decision to try and make it all worth her while. She was just going to pour herself into her school work and get out of Will Rogers in one piece.

In the hallways she noticed some kids stare in her direction and she fought the urge to place her hand on her belly. Even though it felt like they could all see right through her and know what she went through that summer, she had to convince herself that none of them did, and never would.

Ducking her head, she walked to her homeroom and sat in the back corner. It was as far as she could get from everyone else but not far enough.

A couple boys walked in and sat on the opposite side of the room. One kept glancing back in Ellie's direction, and he nudged the other one. She kept her chin up and stared at the front of the room until the other seats filled enough that she couldn't see them staring at her anymore. She thought she recognized them from being on the track team with Ponyboy.

Just before the bell rang, she caught the sight of a cowboy hat out of the corner of her eye. Her stomach twisted into a knot and her heart skipped a few beats. It felt like all the blood running through her veins stopped flowing for a split second. She sank in her seat as Wade sat behind the two boys. She may not have been able to see them, but she could hear them talk in their too-loud whispers.

"Man, that's her, right?"

She noticed the cowboy hat tilt in her direction, and she could hear his response.

"Forget about it, guys," he muttered. "It's no big deal."

Ellie blinked back tears at the words. She knew she was lucky. If Wade were anyone else, he could make her life a living hell for what she had done. In a way, though, she would have preferred that to Wade just ignoring her.

Her face was burning red as the teacher called roll and each student raised their hand at their names. When the bell rang to dismiss the class to go to their first period, she was the first out the door.

XXX

By the end of the day, Ellie was ready to break down in tears. She only had one period left, but so far, Wade had been in three of her six classes, not counting homeroom. She stopped in the bathroom before her English class to calm herself down, and by the time she stepped into the classroom, all of the seats were taken and the bell was about to ring.

She hurriedly looked around the room as the teacher stood up from her desk.

The woman smiled kindly and pointed to a desk in the middle of the room. "I think we have an open seat here."

Ellie flushed as she walked to the empty chair and sat down. She put her bag on the floor and noticed the cowboy hat sitting on the floor beside her. She glanced up, horrified, and found Wade sitting beside her.

He was looking at her, his lips in a grim line. Her favorite pair of blue eyes were hardened and he looked away first and didn't look back at her. It took her longer to pull her eyes away. He had cut his hair.

Ellie tried to disappear into her seat as the teacher began class. She didn't hear a word she was saying until she began pairing everyone up to start their first assignment. Ellie panicked as they were paired with the person next to them. Wade seemed to share in her dread as the papers were passed down the rows and the scrape of moving chairs filled the room. He didn't move any closer to her.

They worked separately as they read through the prompts and answered the questions that followed. She kept glancing up as she worked, but Wade was only focused on the paper. Finally she cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry, Wade."

"What for?" he asked without looking up.

She shook her head. She didn't even know what she was sorry for anymore. "How was your summer?"

"It was fine."

Part of her wished he would ask her about hers. And that part of her wished she could spill everything she had been through and he would wrap her in his arms and tell her it was all okay. She knew she wouldn't ever be able to do that, even if things had ended different between them. She would never be able to tell him. He would look at her like she was one of those good-for-nothing greaser girls. The worst part was that she realized he would be right.

"Ponyboy's in New York now."

"He finally made it, huh?"

She nodded even though he was making it clear he wasn't going to look in her direction. "He seems to like it from the letters he's written."

"Is his brother doing okay in Vietnam?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Good."

"Listen, Wade," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "I'm sorry we ended up in almost all the same classes this year."

"Did we?" He finally glanced up at her, a cool look on his face.

Her face flushed under his gaze. "I just don't want it to be weird for either of us, I guess."

He studied her for a moment, and she felt pinned under his gaze. She knew he was replaying Prom night in his mind and remembering every tiny reason he probably hated her. Ellie saw herself in that moment and all she saw was a good-for-nothing girl who threw away the best thing she ever had.

Then bell rang, and she flinched at the sound.

"Don't worry," he said, gathering his things. "It won't be."

XXX

By the end of the week, Ellie was up to her ears in homework. What bothered her the most, though, was that each day following the first day of school, Wade had slowly disappeared from her classes. By Thursday, he was out of her English class.

By Friday, he wasn't even in her homeroom.

XXX

Even though once upon a time Pony longed for the quiet country life, he was thriving in New York. Sure, he was lonely for his friends and family, but there was something about being so far from home that ignited sparks under his skin. New York was always alive, and he found himself bursting with a fearlessness he had never known. Since classes began, he was busier than he had ever been, but it wasn't enough to topple him. It just kept his mind off of missing people.

Every day he got up early, happily settled into his new dorm rather than that tiny closet of an apartment he had. He attended his classes, spent an hour in the library working on homework, and then huffed it to the movie theater he worked at a few nights a week. He was always up late finishing his work, only to get up early and start it all over again the next day. Even though he was tired, he kept on going. He never truly knew what it meant to be independent, but he loved the feeling of the independence he had found.

Darry sent him a little bit of money every month, and Pony usually just put it away for emergencies. Part of him wanted to tell his brother that he was managing fine, but he knew as soon as he did that something unexpected would happen. So he socked the money away and continued to try and make it on his own two feet.

Every day he thought about Soda and tried to send at least one letter a week. He didn't hear much from his brother, and Pony tried not to worry so much about him. It was hard to imagine him in a jungle in Vietnam instead of at home in Tulsa. It was so hard that Pony just sometimes pretended it was like that anyway. Soda was home working at the DX, and he was so busy with girls and cars that he just couldn't get letters out as often as he liked. Besides, he preferred it when Pony called so they could talk on the phone, but long distance was expensive so they couldn't do that very often. It was a wonderful fantasy, indeed.

One day – one of the first days it felt more like fall instead of the blistering East Coast summer – Pony sat in the back of a lecture hall during a Trigonometry lesson. It was boring him to tears having to take all these general classes before he could get into his English major, but he could deal. Especially when a pretty brunette squeezed into his row a few minutes late.

She sat down beside him and quickly pulled the small desk up from between the seats. She pulled out a notebook and kept digging in her school bag. Pony knew she was looking for a pencil, and as she looked at him to ask to borrow one, he was already offering his. She flashed him a surprised smile, and he couldn't help but notice that she had green eyes.

"Thanks," she whispered.

"Anytime," Pony replied.

When the lecture ended and everyone started packing up their belongings, the girl looked right at him and dropped the pencil in her bag.

"You mind if I steal your pencil for the day? I'll bring it back to you tomorrow."

"Not at all."

Again, she flashed that pretty smile, and pushed her hair over her shoulder. "That's a different accent."

Pony felt himself flush as he gathered his stuff. "Yeah. Oklahoma."

"You're a long way from home."

She crossed her legs and leaned into the tiny little desk on her elbows. It was hard to not notice her legs when she did that.

"Yeah, but it's been pretty great."

"I'll bet. I'm Maura," she said, holding out her hand.

It was the moment of truth. She already pegged his accent, one he never noticed until he left Oklahoma. He didn't know if he could tell her his name was Ponyboy on top of being a country bumpkin. Just like with the girl on the bus back in Ohio, he had the desire to just have a normal name that he didn't have to explain. He didn't want to be Ponyboy Curtis, juvenile delinquent who once had a part in the knifing of another teen, he just wanted to be someone plain and simple.

Accepting her handshake, he said, "Michael."

"It's nice to meet you, Michael," she said, getting up. "I'll see you around."

She was gone before he even made it to his feet. He still felt kind of clueless about girls, but he knew he liked that one. Boy, would he ever have a letter to write Soda this week.

XXX

"My ankles are swollen."

Two-Bit looked at Carolyn and specifically down at her feet where, indeed, her ankles were a bit swollen. This pregnancy thing was hitting her hard, and Two-Bit felt bad that he couldn't do anything.

He sat down beside her on their dumpy old couch and put an arm around her.

"What can I do for you, Momma?"

She looked at him with a pleading look. "Can you make it January already? I think I'm ready to squeeze this kid out."

"Well, I wish I could do that for you, but I don't know the secret of time travel yet."

Carolyn smiled and laid her head on his shoulder. She snuggled up to him, and they both looked at her feet.

"My mom says it's better with the second baby."

"You mean after all this you'd have a second baby with me?" he said.

"Who said I'm having it with you?" she said, playfully. "But, you know what would really convince me to keep you around?"

"What?"

"If you'd rub my feet."

He kissed the top of her head and said, "Which one first?"

Quickly, she spun around on her butt, pushed herself back on the couch and laid both of her feet in his lap. It was the fastest he'd ever seen a pregnant woman move.

"The right one."

Two-Bit picked up her right foot and started with her toes. "This little piggy …"

She laughed at him and rested her hands on her growing belly.

XXX

A touch as light as a feather startled him awake. Allison propped herself on one arm, and Darry stared at the little girl standing beside the bed. She held a doll close to her chest as she stared at him expectantly.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sitting up and turning on the light on the night stand.

"Uh huh."

Darry remembered how Pony used to get those awful nightmares after Mom and Dad died. The dreams always kept him up for most of the night afterwards.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

"No."

She looked over at Allison and then back at Darry.

"I want to sleep with you."

"But you have your own bed," he told her.

"I know, but I don't like it right now."

"What's wrong with it?" Allison asked.

Lizzie just shrugged. "It's lumpy."

Allison laughed. "Lumpy? How'd it get lumpy?"

She put a hand on her hip and said matter-of-factly, "Because I was jumping on it today."

"Oh, I see. Maybe you shouldn't do that anymore," Allison told her.

"Well, I won't if I can sleep in here tonight."

She was bargaining with them. This tiny little person was actually bargaining and winning. When Darry looked back at Allison, she had a little smile on her face and shrugged, leaving it up to him.

"Okay," he said, picking her up and depositing her on the bed between them. "Settle in."

Turning off the light, he turned onto his side facing Lizzie and Allison and immediately noticed the fact that his space in the bed had all but vanished. Allison pulled Lizzie closer, and Darry stretched out a tiny little bit.

"Thanks," Lizzie said. She kissed her mother and flipped over and gave Darry a kiss, too. After a few minutes, she was out cold, and Darry was left awake looking over his two girls as they slept.

XXX

The gunshots pounded against his eardrums, and he had to resist the urge to drop his own gun and block out the sound. That gun was his best friend; at least that's what they had been told during boot camp. Right now, it felt like a bigger enemy than the real one.

The jungle was hot and sticky, even now, well after the sun went down. Sweat poured down his face and he had to blink it out of his eyes, not that it mattered. Except for the bursts of gunfire, it was pitch black all around him. There could be a gun a foot in front of his face and he'd never know until it was too late. The thought made the blood rush through his veins, and the only sound he could hear as the gunshots quieted was his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

He was crouched in the tall weeds, separated from his unit. They were ambushed and everyone scattered in a matter of seconds. His skin crawled from sweat and bugs as he tried to make his way back toward the trees, toward the river, somewhere that could protect him, hide him.

As he moved, there was a burst of gunfire that was surely meant for him. He fell to the ground, his gun clutched in his hands. They had a bead on him; there was no doubt about that now. He slung his gun across his back and crawled on his elbows. He wasn't sure where he was headed. He didn't care just as long as he could get somewhere safer than he was at that moment.

He could hear people talking, far from him. He listened carefully, praying to God he would hear English being spoken. All he could hear were the sharp accents of words he didn't understand. They were far away, though. There wasn't going to be a gun in his face in this pitch black jungle. He was sure of that now.

He risked raising his head long enough to catch a glimpse of his surroundings. The burst of gunfire behind him allowed him to see the looming trees just in front of him. If he could just get in there, he could make it. If he could just disappear into those trees, he'd make it back home.

Tulsa flashed through his mind. Tulsa and the DX, the Dingo and the Ribbon. All those things he had taken for granted flashed through his mind in an endless blur when the world suddenly exploded around him.

He didn't know if it was a landmine or a grenade when he opened his eyes. All he knew was that he was still alive, if barely. The world felt tilted and out of reach, and he couldn't hear anything but a ringing in his ears that made his whole body vibrate down to the bones. He clawed at the earth around him, dragging himself over the debris of exploded trees, the aftermath still raining down on him.

Tumbling down a small embankment, he came to rest in a ditch. He fought to keep himself focused on his surroundings, but everything faded away. Everything but the shrill ringing in his damaged ears.

_It always takes me by surprise  
>How dark it gets this time of year,<br>And how apparent it all becomes  
>That you're not close, not even near<em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: One more to go ...**


	49. Gravity

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Sara Bareilles owns "Gravity."**

* * *

><p><em>Something always brings me back to you,<br>It never takes too long_

**September 25, 1969**

It was getting late, and he had watched her mom come home from work and her step-dad leave. Silently, he listened through the closed bedroom door as a little kid ran up and down the hallway and eventually the bath water started running and her mom caught up to the little hellion and trapped him in the bathroom.

He didn't dare to move around her room, so he just looked from where he was sitting on her bed. It was still as neat and prim as ever. The whole room smelled like her and all he could think about were those nights he brought her to Windrixville. Years had gone by and he did everything he could to not think about her, but now he was sitting on her bed and waiting on her to get home.

Cautiously, he stood up and took one small, silent step at a time toward the vanity mirror over her dresser. In the dimming light he looked at the pictures, movie tickets, and scraps of paper. There were a lot of things going on with all of his friends, but he didn't have anything to do with them as far as he could tell. Not a picture or a memory. But when he looked down he caught glance of his postcard tucked under a small stack of books and opened letters. He left it there.

Through the barely parted curtains, he saw her as she came up the sidewalk and then up the front walk to the house. His palms started to sweat when he heard the front door open and she came in. He moved to the middle of the room and knew this was his last chance if he wanted out. He could just slip out the window he'd broke in through, and she'd be none the wiser.

Dally strained to hear, but she was quiet. It sounded like she was in the kitchen, but then she was closer. The bath sounds were louder, and he could hear her talk to her mom and the kid.

"Hi, buddy!" he heard her say.

"Hi Ellie!"

"Did you get your mail?" her mom asked.

"I got it. Thanks. I'm going to go work on some homework."

The bathroom door shut, and Dally braced himself as her bedroom door opened. She flicked on the light and shut the door before she looked up and noticed him. She jumped, the books and papers in her arms looked like they were going to fall out of her arms, but she caught them up and hugged them to her chest. Not much had changed on her in four months, except now she stayed away from him.

"Hey, doll face."

She looked over her shoulder and seemed to be listening for a second. When she looked back at him, her eyes were dark. She looked him up and down, anger in her eyes. Dally immediately tensed.

"You get my postcard?"

She shrugged. "I got a blank postcard."

This was not quite what he was expecting. Her lips were set in a firm line and her brows were knitted together. She was glaring at him. He knew she'd be mad at him, but he expected it to be the same way she was always mad at him. This time it was different. This time it was real, and there was no mistaking it.

"Yeah, I was in Texas for a bit."

"Well, that's real nice for you," she said with a shake of her head. She moved away from the door and set down her things. With her back to him, he noticed a white envelope in her hand. Dally sat back on her bed and she turned around, looking at him again. She made no motion to come closer.

"Why are you here?"

This was something they never had to talk about. He never had to explain anything to her. And if she ever asked, she never really pressed him for an answer. This was simple.

"Why do you have to ask?"

"I don't know. Maybe because I've barely seen you in three years."

Daggers seemed to be coming out of her eyes. She still stayed as far away from him as she could. Dally looked to change that, so he stood and closed the distance. She stayed where she was, and he stopped just in front of her. He reached into his shirt and pulled out his Christopher medal. Pulling it over his head, he offered it to her.

"I'm looking to make it more than that."

For a long time, she just stared at his hand and Dally started to sweat a little more, but he played it cool. It was supposed to be easier than this. It was supposed to be the way it was a long time ago. From the way she had begged him to leave Windrixville and come back to Tulsa, he expected her to fall to pieces as soon as she saw him. This was supposed to be what she wanted, and he was damned because he wanted it too. Months of living alone on the road forced him to realized he fucking hated being alone. He may as well be locked back up in jail or something.

He just couldn't understand, especially when she wouldn't look at him. He clenched his hand around the silver chain and couldn't keep the bite out of his voice.

"Did you go back to the boyfriend?"

She looked around him, but she made no motion to move by. When he inched forward, she stepped back.

"What was it?" he asked, letting a smirk play on his lips. "He wouldn't take you back or something?"

Now she looked at him. Narrowed eyes that glistened just enough to know that he had truly struck a nerve.

He lost the smirk and glared back at her. "Lucky for me that he didn't, huh?"

Again, she didn't answer him, and he wasn't feeling all that lucky anymore. She tried to pull away from him when he took her left hand, but he brought it up easily enough and laid the chain in her palm. When he let her go, she pulled her hand back quickly. There was the crunch of paper from her right hand. That envelope she had been carrying when she came in the room.

"What does this even mean?" she asked, the venom in her voice hissing through her strained whisper. "Because I _can't_ believe this is a promise that you'll stick around this time."

She was putting him on trial, and he didn't know how to respond. He fucking wouldn't. Ellie must have known that, too, because she pushed around him and stood on the other side of the tiny room.

"You can't just come here after what happened and expect me to just put this on and act like it's all okay. I won't do it because it's not."

"I was in fucking prison, El."

"That was your own decision. You didn't have wave a gun in front of the cops. You could have come home with me." Her voice cracked, and she immediately looked away.

Those moments were so hazy to him he didn't even remember most of the events leading up to the point that he got shot. He remembered the hospital and Johnny dying and Ellie on his heels. There were flashes of images, smells, and sounds that reminded him, but there wasn't a clear picture of that night.

"It's not even you going to prison. It's what happened four months ago and how all you seem to know how to do is disappear on me."

"I came back, didn't I?"

She shook her head, eyes rolling back into her head, and the most disgusted look he had ever seen crossed her face.

"Oh, please. You used me, Dally. That's all you did."

"I fucking told you that I didn't."

"Oh right, your letter. Was that supposed to convince me after you took off without a word when I needed – " She stopped herself, covered her mouth with her wrist and looked away. There were actual tears falling down her cheeks now, and he was at a loss.

"All you were was bored in on your uncle's farm and knew that I would go with you," she said, her voice raspy. "You knew it, and I was stupid enough to think that maybe you actually gave a shit about me."

After all these years, he couldn't understand why she didn't have him all figured out. He didn't think he was all that complicated.

Slowly, he moved toward her. She dropped her arm and stared at him, eyes wide and wet.

"I don't got a lot of reasons to be here," he told her. And he didn't.

"Please don't make me the reason you stay," she said. Her voice quieted, and he could hardly hear her. "I don't trust myself with you."

Inside, he was smiling to himself. It felt like a victory. She could have told him flat out to just hit the road, but she didn't.

Because she wanted him there. Because she needed him there as much as he wanted to be there.

"That sounds like a pretty good reason to stay," he said.

She closed her eyes and turned away from him, tears on her cheeks. She was falling to pieces in front of him but not the way he had expected. Definitely not the way he wanted.

"C'mon, baby," he whispered, reaching for her arm to turn her back to face him. "I fucked up that bad that you don't want me back at all? You want me gone again?"

Her eyes were still closed, fat tears spilling out from under her lashes. He took a deep breath before he went on, ready to use what he knew would get the reaction he had intended to get.

"I can go, Ellie," he said, letting go of her arm. "If it's that fucking bad to have me back here, I'll go. I just thought you wanted me here, but I don't know what the fuck I was thinking."

He walked back to her door and put his hand on the knob.

"I got plenty of places to go. Got a whole 'nother side of the country I ain't even seen. I just wanted to see you, though. If you don't wanna see me, no big deal."

"Wait," she said, wiping at her face. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot when she looked at him.

She hadn't come running into his arms or anything, not the way he wanted, but she didn't want him to leave.

He looked at her hand where she was still clutching his saint medal and nodded. "So that means you want me to stay?"

She was quiet so long that he didn't think she was going to answer him. Standing across from him, she had his medal held tight in one hand, a letter in the other, looking like she was weighing her options before she made her decision. He started to realize she wasn't the girl he used to know. She wasn't the way she used to be.

When she finally spoke, it wasn't the answer he was expecting, and it made him wonder what the hell he had expected in the first place.

She held his gaze as she gave him a small shrug, tears still on her cheeks.

"I don't know."

Dally knew then that if he stayed she would hate him as much as she would if he left. There was no right answer, and she wasn't going to tell him.

He was going to have to figure it out himself.

_You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go,  
>The only thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down<em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And that's a wrap! Thank you so much for all of your reviews and time! We hope you've enjoyed! xoxo Kori and Katie**


End file.
